Day 421 - Dependent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word independent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand where and how I've fallen into relationships of dependency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be in a co-dependent relationship, where I seek to receive positive feelings from my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a co-dependent relationship, where the strength of self-sufficiency through independence is missing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to specifically investigate these conflicting desires to be dependent and independent.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself see, realize and understand how I've blinded myself from this construct by judging my partners as either dependent or independent, and not opening up my personal relationship to both of these words.

--

I commit myself to investigate, redefine and substantiate these words in my life.

I commit myself to investigating my memories of past relationships, and walking the specific forgiveness statements to release my energized definitions that I carry now as "baggage."

I commit myself to purify and redefine dependent and independent so that I can properly lead my life in all of my relationships to people, places and things.

When and as I see myself desiring an external force to make me feel good, I stop, I breathe. I realize the key of self-fulfillment. I commit myself to investigating how I've created the particular experiences of lack in my life, so that I may return the point to myself and give myself what I had desired from my outside world.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for my wants, needs and desires.
&
I commit myself to investigating the full nature of my preexisting programming within and behind these words.

Day 378 - Redefining LOVE

I've investigated this topic enough to confidently restructure or redefine what LOVE is to me. I'll start by describing what love seemed like to me before I ever knew I could consciously define this inner experience, implying that I subconsciously defined it from the examples in my life.

In my Day 375 - What is Love?! (Baby Don't Hurt Me) post, I briefly described some of the experiences that I associated with LOVE, but there is more dimensions to it. One example that comes to mind is this sense of care and completion. A past girlfriend I had seemed to provide this feeling of fullness in my chest. It was very relaxing and enjoyable. I never experienced "head-over-heels" love or "This is the One" love. Every one of my relationships in my past never contained that perfect mutual experience of love that you see in the movies. I never fully trusted my feeling of LOVE because it was never solid or stable.

My journey through all the emotions and feelings associated with LOVE could be written about for a very long time, but the underlying theme was instability. The relationship dramas of positive feelings and negative consequences all stemming from desires and fears all seems like water under the bridge given a bit of time. This alone should be enough to question the validity of mainstream/Hollywood love, despite how real it can seem in a single moment.

The Desteni message rather harshly kicked me in the face with some common sense perspectives I resisted extensively while I was still enthralled in my pursuit and desire of perfect love. I wanted to be special and awesome, and then have that be validated by a significant other. Desteni put me in my place with the reality that I'm not just automatically special. I'm just a consciousness programmed (ego) to think I'm special so I can justify abusing and mistreating others in My Name. So in relation to LOVE, I was willing to give it only if I would get it in return. My love was conditional. I gave it to get a particular feeling I desired. Bluntly, it was a game. This is not LOVE.

LOVE is only real if it is stable and inclusive of all beings in the world. Think about it. Unconditional LOVE can't be defined or determined by just a few people in your immediate world and reality. Then it would be dependent on those people. Essentially, you would be blaming them for causing your experience of LOVE or HATE. To stabilize LOVE, it must be rooted in and as Self. It must be an expression of Self that is not dependent on external circumstances.

True LOVE is supporting Self and Others, equally as one, to reach our highest potential of ability and expressive capacity in the physical world. I am learning how to really LOVE for the first time in my life. In the agreement-relationship that I am now in, my life partner and I are supporting each other to specify and define our expression of LOVE in this world. It's a process, and it's taking a lot of work. It's not easy or automatic like a mind consciousness system instigated relationship love. It's a commitment. Whatever the challenge, we are able to communicate and find the solution.

"an ‘Agreement’ is Not something that is ‘Rosy’ in the beginning – it’s something that’s required to be ‘Worked-at’, ‘Looked-at’, ‘Lived’ ‘Moment to Moment’, in an ‘Complete and Total Understanding’." - From When are you Ready for 'Agreement'?

LOVE is physically supporting each other in our process out of the preprogrammed consciousness, to develop an equal and one relationship with our physical bodies, and world.

More Resources:

EQAFE: 

What is Sex - Love as Sex (Part 1) - Part 35

What is Sex - Love as Sex (Part 2) - Part 36

Matti Freeman:

Day 245: How Love got Lost in the Matrix - Part 1

Heaven's JTL:

Love and Fear Tug-of-War: DAY 483

Pictures:

hearts

arrow

anatomy heart

Day 366 - Year 2: Adjusting My Starting Point

It's simple to write, and yet there are all these reasons, excuses, and resistances that can come up in the mind. You can probably relate to the inner thought, "I just don't feel like it right now."

I'm coming to realize that we are constantly and continuously creating our reality through these perceptual moments AND I too often seem to be at the whim of my fluctuating feelings and emotions. It's like I could learn a thing or two from my heart: the way it just keeps beating, doing work; not just when it feels like it, but constantly and continuously. Until that moment when it stops, of course. So I look at myself, and I see a person that moves himself rather inconsistently at the moment, and yet the day when I stop completely grows nearer constantly and continuously.

The point: Will I continue to accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own conditioned mind patterns? If I do that, then I'm going to end up with the conventional life that I set out to leave behind when I dedicated my life to understanding. To really understand self, there are some mental phenomena that need to be stopped. It's not cool to sulk within a lethargic energy experience because I've trained myself to rely on internal energy experiences to motivate myself. It's not alright that I am deliberately making multiple decisions from the starting point of serving the mind (seeking positive experience or avoiding negative experience). It's most certainly not groovy to think all that matters in the world is my experience of myself within it.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I get from others.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I fear I would get from others.

During my first year of Journey to Life blogging, my starting point was based on this socially constructed self-belief. I did realize that I wouldn't have it all perfectly sorted out from the get go, so I allowed myself to go into it with this energy-motivation that specifically fulfilled my ego needs. I enjoyed the recognition and the feeling of writing a good post. I hadn't considered the consequence. Feeling good has to balance out with feeling bad, regardless of how much we try to suppress the bad from our conscious remembrance (this is where self-honesty comes in). I didn't make the connection between that positive feeling reward from writing a good blog post, to the negative emotion of fearing that it wouldn't be a good post.

All the speculation, and worry, and need to be seen as awesome and fear of being judged as not; it's all shit. It's all a product of how I've structured my mind to best suit the idea of myself! This ego. This socially constructed and validated idea of who I am in this reality.

I stop. I breathe.

This is the choice I commit myself to start getting more acquainted with while walking my real-time process. I have spent a long time investigating the Desteni Message, and honestly it did take awhile to sort through it all. But I was already on board with the Oneness idea when I was in my spiritual phase, spending a bunch of money to activate my DNA and become an ascended master to leave my mark in the world. Haha, so it took a few years wrestling with the contradiction of equality before I could no longer remain stubbornly in my pursuit of wanting to become more than others. I saw how I wanted to be better than others because I held a semi-suppressed belief that I was worse than others.

Oneness and Equality: Best for All

Eventually, it just makes absolute sense. When the mentally induced resistance subsides. When the ego-preservation mechanism is trumped by self-honest consideration of the whole picture. When I begin to let go of the belief of who I am that is an externally constructed idea. When I start coming to terms with the fact that I'm not so special. When I start looking at the reality of myself in contrast to the idea of myself. When I put myself in the shoes of another...

I realize I want what is best for all.

The problem is, I've created my mind for 2 decades within the objective parameters of wanting what was best for me. I CONDITIONED MYSELF TO THROW MY NEIGHBOR UNDER THE BUS. In literal terms, I ridicule and judge others to make myself feel superior. All I've ever cared about was me and my success. Sure I wanted to make a positive impact in the world, but I had no concern about a hypocritical means to a glorified end.

Now, I can't sit here in this perceptual reality of self-judgment. I take responsibility for who I was and here is how I'm going to do it: I'm closing the gap between my past self, my present self, and my future self. They are all here, and I take responsibility for directing each aspect through a process of forgiveness and corrective application.

Over the course of this next year:

I commit myself to clearly exemplify my process of writing and self-corrective application.
I commit myself to write more frequently than I have been the past 6 months.
I commit myself to start deciding to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a mind-created reality.
I commit myself to support what best for myself and others through reformatting my mind and reprogramming it with awareness.
I commit myself to see who I am as one and equal with who I've been and who I want to be.
I commit myself to prioritizing physical actions to create in reality.

AND for the final point of this post:

I commit myself to adjust my application within process to include equal parts of self-forgiveness to corrected application, 1:1, meaning: this game of glorifying self ends here. I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing and writing and writing until I am clear and stable within self-understanding AND practice the correction until my self-change is lasting and real.

Thank you.

cc photo

Day 342 - Who am I in relation to Bernard Poolman?

I've now had a week to process the death of Bernard Poolman. The aspects of myself that this man had brought into view for me were tremendously supportive. He showed me how my anxiety can be stopped with a simple breath and 'yes or no' perspective. Simple. He called me out on my selfish, egocentric way of seeing myself in the context of all that is around me, explaining how all I've really been caring about is the 'me' in my head, placing all other beings as irrelevant (unless they could benefit me, obviously). He assisted me in understanding just how severely compromising this self-importance design I created for myself is. How I have actually separated me from the physical reality to such a degree that I inflate the view of myself, feel powerful, and thus trap myself within my own illusion, while in reality I am damn near powerless.

He spoke of potential. That was the perspective he spoke from. He would see the potential in everyone and he took responsibility to assist us in seeing how we're holding ourselves back within our skewed views. He didn't allow himself to be anything less than than Life, one and equal with all life, and so he wasn't about to allow the rest of us stand as anything less than the Life we all truly are. And he wasn't about to walk our Journey to Life either! "You created it," he would say.

He devoted his life to living the principle of what is best for all. He investigated what is here and found many systems that support inequality and the enslavement of the human. Very few actually understand that the physical reality is what matters. These people are the elite. The difference between the elitist perspective and Bernard's perspective is fear. Bernard recognized the fear reactions within him and questioned "why not best for all?" He was relentlessly compassionate, saw the problem, and stood as the solution. And perhaps the most significant part was that he understood what had to be done, and he did it.

The Desteni group is the result of his efforts to bring about a better world. The few that knew him understand the authenticity of Bernard without question. What he stood for came through in every word that he spoke. Sure he was a funny guy, but his humor was never dry, always specific in revealing the odd to atrocious nature of man's existence. Before I had met him in real life, I had listened to many of his talks on YouTube, and even though he sounded...unattractive, scary even, I was listening to what he was actually saying. Where he was coming from. His words came from a place I could not easily dismantle. I had to continue my investigation.

Now, I stand with clarity. I am here to carry on in the name of Life. Bernard shared how he realized himself as Life through self-forgiveness, self-honesty and practically living the the solution within the principle of what is best for all. He created an organization of people who care. Small as we may be, I guarantee this is only the beginning. The fears and justifications do not stand a chance against the movement of life; but the test of time will prove that.

I commit myself to accept and allow nothing less than Life within myself, so that I may stand as a pillar of support for all to realize Equality and Oneness.

Here's my brick of SF from the day he died:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in relation to Bernard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship of dependence with him, that I can't do it alone, despite the nature of the core message. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Bernard is superior to me as life embodiment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe I am less than life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my personal issues and time loop many times because I fear I cannot stand as the directive principle of my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my inability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot do it, that I can not do what he has done. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a need to suppress points in relation to him that might make me cry if I look at them self-honestly. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I can stabilize myself in any and every moment with a single breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold to memories where he had supported me so well, and believe that I cannot stand and effectively support myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can honor him by playing Candy Crush, and not be self-honest about the point to see that I am avoiding facing the emotional reactions that I chose to not face immediately. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my reactions immediately. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to quantify self-forgiveness and focus on my application, so that I may optimize and walk my process steadfast.

In the next post, I'll correct and expand on how I decide to live here onward. Thanks for investigating.

See also: The Measure of a Man & how other's expressed themselves in relation to Bernard here on this thread in the desteni forum.

Day 310 - Splurge Time

I create a feeling of being able to splurge a little with my time whenever I've "been good." Kind of like a dietary splurge when one has been eating healthy, why not treat oneself to a little cheat-treat? It's a form of self-deception and it adds up more than I had realized thus far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's ok to justify my resistance toward work and being productive after I have accomplished something.

A form of this came up today with my friend. We both agreed that we experience some kind of "I'm spent" and unable to do anything more after a day of work. It's a creation in my head. It probably stems back to when I was rewarded for being good as a child. I formed a habit of expectation. And it's even interesting to take a step back and look the design of reward after going through something undesirable. Instead of investigating the relationship toward the undesirable object (i.e. work, vegetables) and releasing that system, it appears that I've been conditioned to rather cover up my negative experience and forget about it by moving into a positive experience (i.e. video game, ice cream) for a moment. And then on to the next moment until the pattern repeats again. Silly human tendency.

My relationship to sugar will need extensive investigation. There will be a bit of overlap here, as sometimes I use food/sweets as a time related distraction, but my focus is on how I let myself be overly unproductive through justification of needing to balance/reward being productive with my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define productivity through/as a positive charge that requires energy and a polarity out flow of negatively charged laziness/relaxation. There is an underlying dynamic that is interesting where productivity has a negative charge on it, making it hard to bring myself to this state vs. the polarity positive charge on lazy/relaxation/ease. So, there is a polarity balance within productivity alone, as well as lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that I am maintaining charges on these words 'productivity' and 'lazy' that are cycling through polarity and manifesting as experiential cycles that cause friction and conflict within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'lazy/relaxation' - instead of relaxing being simply that which it is - without a mental desire/avoidance mechanism in place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be lazy because I perceive it as easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the easy life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see being lazy or relaxing as 'bad', as this is utilized by me to feel guilt or judge myself for not being 'good', effectively perpetuating the cycle of internal friction and conflict = no self-change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'productivity' - instead of seeing productivity simply as a necessary part of life to get stuff done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be productive because then I will be rewarded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see productivity only in contrast to the positive reward, as something that I must to be able to move forward. In this, I have externalized my motivation and removed myself from the sole driver of me as being self-responsible, and in that productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a reward cycle, losing awareness of time in the context of the day and what else I can or should be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say/think "just one more round" without realizing the design of perpetuating my abdication of my responsibility for myself, here in every moment.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself to get motivated and productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm in an internal polarity conflict because I have energetically charged who I am in relation to work. I commit myself to assist and support myself in becoming aware of how I have created myself in relation to productivity as difficult and relaxation as reward. This system is not helping me to be as effective as I can be.

When and as I see myself delaying work or maintaining distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have an ultimate responsibility for myself and my decisions within every moment. I commit myself to acknowledging that I am unable to divert, avoid, or excuse myself from the consequences that will ensue from me not wanting to take responsibility for myself here. *Here = one moment and all moments.

I commit myself to realizing the significance of what is here and who I am in relation to whatever is here. This is who I am. I am defined by my relationships, and yet I allow them to flow out from my past, and blame my past an the people that have shaped me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others, and not always recognize my self-responsibility for the entirety of myself within what is here. This being my past/present creating my future. I am responsible for this process even though it appears automated and uncontrollable.

I commit myself to continue investigating my automation AND taking responsibility for it.

Day 263 - The Achievement Collector

This is an interesting perspective I've narrowed down within me.  A personality design, a character that comes out in many of life's scenarios. It's so deeply rooted that I can't remember for how long I've been this way, so it might take awhile before I can effectively address the entire system. I breathe, I walk.

The achievement collector is how I'm going to label this personality/drive that I've discovered. This is what it is to me:

• a way to become better & more powerful, to ultimately "save the world"/become famous
• climbing the ladder seemed like the best option for myself
• validation in and of my externalized self-definition
• do hard work now -> achievement; then take it easy and just ride the achievement
• as capital: achievement viewed as inherently valuable
• Competition, rush to gain as much achievement as I can to be safe & secure
• competing with the "general other"

OK, so with these above points, I can see how my starting point within achievement is skewed  and tainted by self-interest. Achievement has nothing inherently wrong in it. I'm not trying to stop achieving things. I'm investigating my motivations to achieve, and gather accomplishments like a commodity that increases my self-worth. That's not cool. My self-worth is defined as the life that I am, not the ego/externalized self-definition/others' judgments of me. I must realign who I am within seeking achievement to fulfill my potential and not succumb to creating myself through how I believe others want me to be or expect me to be.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-worth in separation of myself, such that I would define myself according to my accomplishments that were valid in the eyes of others as if that was all that really mattered. This is the primary reason and starting point for going to college and I ended p cheating myself out of getting the most I could have, had I been there for me and not for society's sake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue achievement in relation to others. This point of comparison as means to validate my value has been seriously detrimental to myself and others within how I would orient myself in relationships, needing to be superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'achievement' as being superior than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a value on achievement from an external perspective, where I would be able to eventually stop working when I accumulate enough achievement. This is like capitalism, work hard, have success, and retire on the work of yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to escape working hard by only working hard on things that I perceive will yield a residual benefit so I won't have to work hard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard, and not realize that this desire plays out, and that there is no escape from my internal reality. I commit myself to seeing all of who I am within, so that I may own it, and change myself as who I really am into an expression of life, not ego/mind.

I commit myself to exposing to myself the entirety of my personality constructs that I have built to serve my ego/externalized self-definitions.

When and as I see myself working toward an achievement so that others will positively define me, I stop I breathe. I bring myself back to myself and see how I am motivated to accomplish whatever it is within the context of myself and what is best for all. If I was only motivated by how I think others will judge me, I realize this is a fear-based starting point. I commit myself to check my starting point within my motivation toward accomplishment to see if I am acting within a root of fear or have I really considered the implications/effects of a particular achievement.

When and as I see that I have not considered who I am within the starting point of obtaining achievement, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past behavior has momentum, it's my personality. I commit myself to breathe and create myself within an alignment of what is best for all when working toward achieving something.

When and as I see myself acting to become better than, more than, or superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize that achievement based in comparison and competition is not what is best for all, rather what is best for my self-image as who I am as an ego in separation of others. I commit myself to identifying where I am still attached to this idealized self-image that is my ego within my imagination based on how I think others perceive me. Through identifying my 'vices' related to desire for superiority, I commit myself to patiently walking self-forgiveness and corrective application until I no longer am drive to succeed by treading on others.

When and as I see that I have been working hard at something so that I can eventually stop working hard, I stop I breathe. I realize that this particular form of achievement desire is actually holding me back as my starting point is to 'not have to work hard.' I commit myself to hard work, for the rest of my life.

No shortcuts.

No easy living... 

Not until all may live easy.

Investigate equal money system where basic human rights are guaranteed to all, and LIFE is honored.

Day 213 - Self-movement: Perspective

Today, I kept thinking about this perspective for some reason. It's the perspective of the detailed effort involved in a physical movement or set of movements to get a task done. This is hard to describe inside of myself, so I'ma write it out!

This perspective that I am going to do my best to describe it seemingly common sense movement. Great example: Walking across the street. What does it take to do that? FIRST, it's a turning of the head in both directions to check for cars. Then, there is a step, followed by another step, etc, but even before that there is a neck movement to place one's head slightly off balance in the direction we want to walk.

One of my real life examples from today: I waxed my snowboard for the first time, so maybe that was another reason why my movement-perception wasn't so automated. From one perspective it takes a lot of work, almost an overwhelming amount of work (thus the $8 alternative of paying someone else to do it). This overwhelming perspective happens before any time is spent. When one is willing to dedicate the time, the series of steps naturally unfolds when the tools and the know-how are available. Heat the iron, drip the wax, spread the wax with the iron, scrape off the excess, clean up the excess, turn off the iron. Even this quick description I didn't immediately think about having to toss the excess wax in the trash. Heck, we could have swept the floor if we wanted to be thorough.

The point of sharing this perspective is to unfold the decision process and bring a little awareness to the physical. I notice that I make quite a few decisions based on the perception of all the effort required to complete a set of physical movements for a given task. This "effort" is a loaded term. Effort is relative. How I relate to work determines effort perception. The relationship indicates a separation, and I think with today, for some reason, I was more tuned into what is required to complete physical tasks in a simplistic perspective that was intriguing. Just doing what has to be done.

The inverse perspective (instead of this perspective), is that the movement is automated. Decision to cross the street does not normally consider ALL of the physical movements/effort because there is a relationship toward these movements. Tilting the head forward is easy. Placing one foot in front of the other by bending the knee in conjunction with a minimal effort abdominal contraction is easy. The only real consideration that happens is how many of steps it will take.If the road is 7 miles wide (i know, crazy) then we may choose not to cross the road depending on the reward vs effort of walking that far.

Yes, this is a broad perspective, but I was intrigued with insight. It's not a new perspective, but I've never written about it before. It's a perspective I am drawn to and the primary reason I like to study parkour, free running, and everything related to balance. I really like trying to understand and gain mastery over the physical movement through space time...I think I like it because there is so much room to learn, grow expand my body vocabulary. The newness of learning how to balance on a unicycle is some kind of physical intimacy.

free use flickr image

Again, the inverse perspective would be that I already know how to...make a sandwich, or say with yoga, when I already know a posture or a movement, it is automated. I make a decision, and my mind just put my body there automatically, and I have room to think about something else. Ah, here lies the crux of it all. Long distance running, another example, on a treadmill even. The know-how of each physical body movement is squared away in the mind, and it leaves the space for us to zone out and think other thoughts and daydream. With parkour, there is more of a continual challenge and adaptation to the environment that keeps me more present with the physical reality. The main flag point of mind participation within parkour is when ego and pride step in, especially when others are saying "ohhhh, so cool, great job!" And that's how people get hurt: trying to uphold a reputation of being good or great instead of practically considering the physical limitations.

Ok, join me for some self-forgiveness tomorrow. There's a lot to this perceptual shift, and I want to see how deep I can go in releasing my physical movement programs. Also, I will report on what I notice in relation to daydreaming (separation from the physical) that occurs while I'm boarding down the mountain.

Day 193 - Relating toward Desteni versus Self

Yesterday, I found an interesting point that I had long ago brushed aside: My relationship toward Desteni. As the material and the group of people, I have not been standing as a stable point of self within it. No.

Instead, I decided that I was in (referring to this review). I knew that pursuing this knowledge, and more importantly, the understanding of oneness and equality was the only courageous option. If I tried to ignore the group and this message, I couldn't shake the feeling of running with fear into ignorance. All the while, I had kept my distance by participating on the fringe, and mostly lurking around the forums: I'll call this my information gathering stage.

Within this stage of Destonian Development, I had most certainly created a relationship between Desteni and myself. Only now did the point resurface while further investigating my delay character. I realize that by maintaining my relationship toward the group, I placed me in separation of them, and through this separation, was creating a point of external motivation to get my process done. This was causing resistance within delay, similar to the design of delay in relation to my school work as I exposed yesterday.

Andrew's Vlog, here, helped me to understand a few things: 1. My process is really just ME doing self-discovery, and 2. I need to start Vlogging! haha. Thanks for the support Mr. Gable.

This point of bringing my process back to self, for self seems like a big one, yet it's rather quite simple. Self, living here with self, or Self in relation to what's here from the conceptual starting point of self elsewhere. By this, I mean I have created "self" in my head that relates to everything in my life. This is deeper than I originally thought. Stay focused Dan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Desteni within a knowledge & information consumption-relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how Desteni stands as a point of support for self to walk self out of the mind, for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about who I am in relation to Desteni and in relationship toward the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of myself alone, walking process for me alone, while supporting others in their lonely journey. Their 'only' journey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bigger than life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be bigger than life, instead of realizing myself one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship with life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've created relationships to externalized points through a process of of holding "myself" in separation of myself, where I am in my imagination and relating to the world from there.
--
When and as I see myself abdicating my responsibility to get my process done for me alone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must by in a relationship within my mind toward a physical/external point. I commit myself to flag pointing resistance toward work to check for additional points of relationship formation where self is not the starting point for self.

When and as I see myself in my mind's eye, relating toward my physical environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of realizing self as All, one and equal, will take time and with persistence, I will gradually understand my source of motivation as self with all life. I commit myself to recognizing where I am in relationships toward anything or anyone to see how I've defined myself in separation and walk my process accordingly.

When and as I see myself walking process for others first, I stop I breathe. I remember that I am only public within all of this for the benefit of others and for self through feedback; however, I am first and foremost writing self to freedom for self. This is my goal. I commit myself to purifying my relationship with Desteni so that it exists as an establishment of support for all & me, not as something greater or bigger than life in any way.

I commit myself to ending my starting point of self elsewhere, to stop relating to everything around me within my imagination. One step at a time, I investigate myself for me. Simply so.

Related articles

• Day 192 - Why the Excuses?
• Day 189 - Unintended Breath Departure
• Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF
• Day 177 - Trying to Hide
• Day 170 - Got to get here quick! pt.6 - Others
• Day 188 - Finding My Breath

Day 111 - Writing out Agreements

Today went well. I pushed through a shit-ton of communication resistance/apprehension. I started the date off with some tea and a game of chess before siting down to attempt establishing agreements. I opened my laptop and laid down the clipboard. First, we read a response from my buddy Garbrielle related to yesterday: Day 110 - Laying down agreements. Basically, she suggested to establish agreements with self first, and linked me in to some more agreement resources. You can see the post here: Re: Dan's Journey to Life. And she has a good point. I am a bit shaky with my self-trust and application of living agreements...I mean Day 111 of 2555 or seven years of commitment to publicly writing my life experience of self-realizing. The words stand. I stand with my words. Simple. Real.

And so our first practical living agreements were written out on real paper. It took a lot of effort to communicate shared points that we could commit to. The experience was an exercise in being vulnerable. To speak fear points openly enough to turn it into something on paper, is not a comfortable experience, but we got through it ok. I stumbled a bit, she was patient with me, understanding. Overall, it felt really good afterward. Expressing some fear points with another and doing so in a productive, written agreements kind of way had an effect of feeling closer, more comfortable.

I had to start sometime. And I will continue. I commit myself to working with self-agreements to a point of stability within my practice.

This is to be continued, it always is. Day-by-day, I write to figure out what's going on inside me, and sharing it with anyone in the world is just kinda cool.

Day 110 - Laying down agreements

The first agreement was to meet tomorrow and establish some agreements.

When she agreed to try to establish some agreements between each other, my reaction was of satisfaction. I was pleased that she was willing to meet on my terms. This feeling of satisfaction is clearly self-deception of ego. I felt more comfortable and open, knowing that she doesn't reject my notion of "doing things the hard way" as I also spoke of "standard relationships being the easy way."

I'm so very uncomfortable writing about this topic, let alone speaking about it with her or anyone. I partially realize the benefits of establishing agreements with others, but I prevent myself from trying, because of this awkward feeling. There's nothing cool or fake about establishing agreements. It real, grounded, and clear. I still have to work through some barriers/resistance to the process because I'm still heavily conditioned to hide my feelings and only selectively present myself toward another to receive the highest self-benefit. Pretty interesting how hiding my feelings has caused huge divides between myself and a woman, though not apparently so. It was hidden.

Ok, so because I'm still learning about agreements, I'm going to direct you to two great blog posts on the topic that have helped me to clarify, so far, what I am thinking about enacting: maitedip.blogspot.com/search/label/agreement

And now for a little forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek a sexual partner within a hazy desire to calm the storm within me, where I look for and provide comfort. Come into my fort vs Come forth (the second blog about agreement by Maite), is two vastly different perceptions of comfort. Am I providing a fort for her to hide from herself in? Or am I seeking refuge from facing myself within my continued desire to be with a girl? Will I have the courage to come forth within self-honesty, speaking every practical point of self/other support?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been seeking a girlfriend, in part, to re-energize my ego as I attempt to further separate myself from the thoughts as fear and insecurities; as if, I was able to gain by presenting a pretty, painted picture of myself  to her that she would validate, and all would be fine and dandy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I was back in my past where life was easy, great, fun, and simple when I had a girlfriend with whom I never revealed my intentions were not to stay together forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the uncomfortableness of speaking and not figure out why I"m having trouble speaking an honest expression of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I "won't do it right" (establish agreements correctly).

--

I commit myself to recognizing when the backchat of "won't do it right" is holding me back from acting, where I will then apply self-forgiveness...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be petrified of being wrong or inadequate, such that it becomes a barrier to success/trying.

This fear of doing something or someone wrongly is intense. But that doesn't mean I'm going to back down. Rather, set the program: seek and destroy all thoughts related to "need to be right"
It's going to take some time. "Right," is who I've decided I want to be from a prety early age...interestingly, also existed a continued pattern of wanting to hide that I am always right. I guess this was to protect me from being wrong...haha, oh boy!

Again, one-step at a time. Set agreements with self and others. Keep slowing down until I can feel my breath. In any given moment, I breathe to stop the overwhelmingness or drive to make the world fit into my design. Knockin' down points, point by point...even now, I want to type a growl out into my computer as the energy of this paragraph has be worked up - overwhelmed. I breathe, and focus on the moment of what gets done next. Thanks. See ya tomorrow.

Day 109 - Self-Honesty in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compromise my self-honesty within a relationship so that I won't hurt her feelings or damage the positive image of myself in her eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my thoughts/opinions about another in a relationship, essentially dragging it on within a fear of her opinion of my opinion.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my plan to increase my attractiveness as the male ego is only taking me into consideration and not the other person, so I forgive myself for allowing me to carve the path for the ego as me with total disregard for the other individual as an equal being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear speaking honesty in a relationship through the fear of compromising my ego-image of being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place emphasis on me and my self image only within dating women, where I hide my true intentions that are self-interested.

I forgive myself that I allow and accept myself to support hiding within myself and the girl by spending time on the surface level and just allowing the backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into the backchat of my mind that is typically fear-based, and then not speak it to preserve my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to leave behind my awareness of the moment when with a girl as I go into thoughts of fear, insecurity and weakness. I hide these thoughts because they would compromise positive image of my ego that I believe myself to be and wish to project to have others see. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that who I am in the physical reality as touch and the words I speak is stable, and any fears that I have under the surface are of mind and not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to support the image of myself and the other, not realizing that by supporting our egos, I am supporting the lies and suppression in a journey into the common relationship. I forgive myself for not allowing me to unconditionally support what's best for all in every moment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get share the perspective of self-honesty and running agreements when entering a relationship in fear that I will not get sex and/or hurt someone's feelings.

--


When and as I see myself leave the awareness of the physical to move into thoughts, I stop I breathe. When I'm with another, I realize that the backchat is not supporting what's best for both. I commit myself to slowing down my thoughts and speaking with self-honesty. The supportive points that I wish to share can't go unsaid, because that is the point where I am really supporting the dishonesty as movement into another self-centered relationship.

I commit myself to stop thinking about my self-image as superior and more important that supporting both equally.

I commit myself to uncovering, peeling back and revealing where I have hidden my true intentions within a relationship especially related to sex and ego.

I commit myself continue writing and sharing with others the points I find related to ego-oriented relationshiping.

I commit myself to the courage to share the 'scary' thoughts and push through the resistance to speak self-honestly, and when I am unable to do so, I commit myself to writing about the point to discover the fears in play and delete them with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop worrying about how other's see me as this only supports the ego. Rather, I focus on breathing and speaking out of consideration for all and what's best for all.

I've already committed to self-honesty, so I commit myself to pursue the points where I still allow myself to be dishonest with self/other. This will take time, but this is not an excuse to support a standard relationship formation for unspoken self-interested reasons. PLAY IT SLOW DAN.

I commit myself to slowing down, and supporting myself with another within agreements to support each other as equals, as life.

photo credit: Joe Kou

Thanks and stay tuned. This relationship-agreement dynamic is probably going to get more juicy before it stabilizes as my expression of self-honesty in support of the best for both, as life. Woooo!

Related:

• Day 107 - Relationship vs. Agreement

Day 108 - All Day Delay

A day with a hazy reference to time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay working all day with distractions like video games,   television programs, exercise, candy and smoking, not realizing that I was hiding from responsibility all day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste my time today and fuel this behavior through hearing another make the statement of not having enough energy to do work today and accepting this as permission to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from facing myself through writing about my night with the girl that I've been seeing, and not realize this point as contributing to my allowance of delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot completely clear a point that seems as large as stopping distraction, starting an agreement/relationship, and/or my nail biting habit, and not realizing that my delay was contributed to by this fear of not being able to clear a complex and integrated fear system within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply begin writing, and realize that I can continue to open up layers of understanding through the reflection of myself in writing and application through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately move into thoughts of possible distractions when faced with a daunting task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amplify any point by vaguely allowing myself to define the task/point as daunting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my relationship to work through the perception of 'daunting' or 'too much.' Delete. I commit myself to re-framing work from 'daunting' and/or 'too much' into a more self-supportive frame such as 'one bite at a time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear work as "too much for me to handle."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear any point as "too much for me to handle," and not realize that any seemingly large point can be broken down into it's components.

I have these connections to thoughts/memories with positive/negative emotional attachment. To destroy these bonds to the mind consciousness existence as programmed polar emotional response based in self interest, I'm going to have to take this slowly, and STOP allowing the 'overwhelmingness fear' to keep getting in my way.

--

When and as I see myself at a point that overwhelming to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must write down this experience of thought and sort out the perspectives/characters to understand where I'm coming from. I commit myself to slowing down my lifestyle such that I allow myself to the time to see where I'm coming from in thought, and to know my direction...this is too open. I don't believe myself within this last commitment statement.

So without further delay, I am now writing about this experience as example for the above realization:

1. Slowing my lifestyle down is completely foreign and not grounded in reality, like a lofty goal.
2. To understand where I'm coming from within every thought that pops up in my head, woah, talk about 'Mission Impossible.' This is a daunting task/point.
3. To know my direction is a continual battle against clouded/hidden voices in my head. Typically, I am pleasure seeking because I haven't been 'exposed to the real world and hardened by tough times.'

There's a lot going on just here in breaking down one lofty/bs commitment statement. Food for tomorrow..

I commit myself to grounding myself within the application of work as a process. Within this I commit myself to writing about the experience I have in relation to the point of siting down to direct myself through working on a specific point.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to blame others through the excuse that if they waste the day that I can too. I commit myself to keep writing down my daily tasks the night before...this worked for two days, and it works in keeping productive and focused with a goal upon waking.

I commit myself to STOP running from points that seem daunting or like too much work for me to be successful. I commit myself to writing out each point, one at a time, grounded in space-time, not allowing the overwhelmingness direct me away from my goals.

I commit myself to staying self-honest within my writing. Most of today's post was an honest flow of my expression through writing. The lofty stuff, based on a thought of ideal = not real as myself talking about myself in self-honesty.

Thanks, that's all for tonight.

Day 107 - Relationship vs. Agreement

I started my morning with a google search: "relationship agreement desteni"

I'm sure I've done this search before, as this point of going into a relationship with a girl always spins my mind, hardcore. Especially in the beginning of all my relationships, my mind would rev up and over think everything until contact. Once there is at least a kiss, I start opening up, but never all the way. I've never let myself be vulnerable enough to give myself fully over to a girl. I had bright plans for future success, and girls only ever slowed me down with requests and feelings. So, my normal pattern in relationship with girls is to over-think the situation within my own self-interest, and then hide those thoughts from myself and her through focusing on the feelings and psychical sensations. I would vaguely justify the secret thoughts within me because I could still get physical and mental attention...vaguely thinking that means success.

When I first found Desteni and started reading about the point of self-honesty and agreements, I was straight scared. I avoided this aspect for a few years, because I wanted to carelessly "chase women" in my final college years. So now that I'm out of college, I've been looking for girl attention through dating sites and whatnot. Well I found a girl I'm pretty attracted to, and not just physically. Well 'bad' news, I can't just go with this like I always have. Falling into a relationship has always ended badly and I've identified the reason as the internal lies & backchat. Not being honest with another starts with self-dishonesty. My relationship to being honest has been pretty solid for awhile, since the spiritual stuff before desteni, I was into enlightenment and becoming pure/honest. So, I've been having trouble relating with girls, because I'm always thrown into a whirlwind of thoughts that I don't have the courage to speak out loud, because a fear of loss or a fear of hurting her.

Now, I have been playing it more slowly, as recommended by fellow destonians, and I am seeing how patience has been working. That google search this morning lead to this article When are you Ready for 'Agreement'? and as my morning reading, I've begun to see the the practical approach to supporting another being and self, within the framework of self-honest support of self and other in walking together in agreements. Good shit.

This post is just a warm up or breaking into of this point of relationships. There's a lot going within this, so I plan to take it slow and not let anything slide by. Self-honesty till I die!

cc

To be continued...