Day 110 - Laying down agreements

The first agreement was to meet tomorrow and establish some agreements.

When she agreed to try to establish some agreements between each other, my reaction was of satisfaction. I was pleased that she was willing to meet on my terms. This feeling of satisfaction is clearly self-deception of ego. I felt more comfortable and open, knowing that she doesn't reject my notion of "doing things the hard way" as I also spoke of "standard relationships being the easy way."

I'm so very uncomfortable writing about this topic, let alone speaking about it with her or anyone. I partially realize the benefits of establishing agreements with others, but I prevent myself from trying, because of this awkward feeling. There's nothing cool or fake about establishing agreements. It real, grounded, and clear. I still have to work through some barriers/resistance to the process because I'm still heavily conditioned to hide my feelings and only selectively present myself toward another to receive the highest self-benefit. Pretty interesting how hiding my feelings has caused huge divides between myself and a woman, though not apparently so. It was hidden.

Ok, so because I'm still learning about agreements, I'm going to direct you to two great blog posts on the topic that have helped me to clarify, so far, what I am thinking about enacting: maitedip.blogspot.com/search/label/agreement

And now for a little forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek a sexual partner within a hazy desire to calm the storm within me, where I look for and provide comfort. Come into my fort vs Come forth (the second blog about agreement by Maite), is two vastly different perceptions of comfort. Am I providing a fort for her to hide from herself in? Or am I seeking refuge from facing myself within my continued desire to be with a girl? Will I have the courage to come forth within self-honesty, speaking every practical point of self/other support?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been seeking a girlfriend, in part, to re-energize my ego as I attempt to further separate myself from the thoughts as fear and insecurities; as if, I was able to gain by presenting a pretty, painted picture of myself  to her that she would validate, and all would be fine and dandy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I was back in my past where life was easy, great, fun, and simple when I had a girlfriend with whom I never revealed my intentions were not to stay together forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the uncomfortableness of speaking and not figure out why I"m having trouble speaking an honest expression of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I "won't do it right" (establish agreements correctly).

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I commit myself to recognizing when the backchat of "won't do it right" is holding me back from acting, where I will then apply self-forgiveness...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be petrified of being wrong or inadequate, such that it becomes a barrier to success/trying.

This fear of doing something or someone wrongly is intense. But that doesn't mean I'm going to back down. Rather, set the program: seek and destroy all thoughts related to "need to be right"
It's going to take some time. "Right," is who I've decided I want to be from a prety early age...interestingly, also existed a continued pattern of wanting to hide that I am always right. I guess this was to protect me from being wrong...haha, oh boy!

Again, one-step at a time. Set agreements with self and others. Keep slowing down until I can feel my breath. In any given moment, I breathe to stop the overwhelmingness or drive to make the world fit into my design. Knockin' down points, point by point...even now, I want to type a growl out into my computer as the energy of this paragraph has be worked up - overwhelmed. I breathe, and focus on the moment of what gets done next. Thanks. See ya tomorrow.