Day 117 - The Sticky Black Hole, Out of Perspective

Black Hole Outburst in Spiral Galaxy M83 (NASA...
Photo credit: NASA
...When the effects of this mind construct I've deemed the sticky black hole are in motion, either I just don't see it or I do. When I do, I feel it. It's like I'm watching myself move backwards when I want to go forwards. I just allow it! The contradictory directions. The pull towards the distraction, and desire to get back on track suppressed as I move toward the desire. So, if I were to treat this as an addiction, which makes perfect sense, I'd have to walk out of it with the first step being admittance.

So, I admit there is a problem = stop hiding
2nd, identify all entrance points. Set red flags for each point of going into delay with self-interest
3rd, accountability.

Taking this and applying the tools I picked up from Desteni, I will write out the flagged entrance points. Why do I move into delay in this way? What am I avoiding, and why am I avoiding it? The writing will hold me accountable. The end point I have in sight is being able to still have fun, though without the suppressed responsibility on my back.

One motivation I see now, is how my work is more easily in a flow state when I have the clock pushing me. So, if I don't have a deadline as external motivation force, I experience real lag & resistance to accomplishing a particular responsibility. This addiction/routine shows me I've never actually been directing myself to do work by relying on my ability to do the bare necessity to get by. I justified this existence by loading up my time with as much positive experience as possible. Wasting time with friends/girls = justified as worthy of compromising myself because self-direction was a negative experience, and if I could 'get by' without it via successful procrastination, why wouldn't I? Sometimes my procrastination would lead to failure in accomplishing a given task, but it usually just lead to a rushed product, though I would always convince myself that is was good work.

Ok, before I let the overwhelmingness take hold (or the clock strike 12), I will stop here and take note of the patterns emerging, and continue with writing tomorrow some much needed self-forgiveness statements.

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