Day 129 - Fear of Participating in Discussion
Throughout my life, there has existed a fear of participating. For instance, in the classroom, I would keep my hand down and seldom participate only when I was comfortable. Typically, I was sitting in fear that I wouldn't be intelligent. And the fear pattern has never gone away. I really have just allowed the fear to keep me silent or not shut up. I over participate in discussion when I'm confidently in the know, so that I can't be wrong. I forgive myself for allowing me to fear being wrong or insubstantial within my responses to others in any type of discussion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate in discussion because I have been fearful of looking stupid or being judged as having an inadequate answer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the fear of disapproval as self-judgment and so shy away from expressing my voice as an equal participant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the maintenance of a positive self-image such that I can portray to others that I am valuable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others won't see me as valuable or as having a valuable opinion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the fear that other may judge me negatively by suppressing my thoughts/opinion.
This point can be expanded upon and will be as I write more and reflect on my past behavior in the situation of collaborative discussion.
When and as I see myself shying away from participating in a discussion, I stop, breathe and bring myself back to the discussion topic. I realize that I am compromising my self-expression by entering into the backchat as internal conversation in my mind, contributing to and compounding the starting point of fear energy. I commit myself to recognizing when I depart from the moment of active participation by flag pointing the fear-driven thoughts where I am doubting myself through placing myself in imagined scenarios where others disapprove of or invalidate my opinion.
I commit myself to self-honest self expression. When this is too challenging, I commit myself to writing about the resistance, about why have I gone into internal backchat.
I commit myself to stopping the allowance of going into mind energy participation, and begin participating equal and one with the group in discussion.
I commit myself to realizing when I am suppressing my expression within the fear that others will judge me. I understand this fear as projection of self judgement. I commit myself to stopping self-judgment with the consistent application of self-honesty, breath and self-forgiveness.
Posted Thursday, November 29, 2012