Day 112 - Not wanting to face myself today

Avoidance


Been keeping myself distracted with video games and entertainment. This time it's about avoiding writing about this girl in part because I am wavering in confidence to be able to establish agreements as I have not spent the time establishing agreements with myself. This block of giving myself the time to work through 'tough' points because of fear of failure is really getting annoying. What is the hold up? The fear that I won't be effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being effective with my writing application in addressing 'tough' points, and allowing this fear to prevent me from trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape the reality of facing myself through various forms of entertainment as delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'effective' as already having the knowledge in my head before I educate myself through self-investigative writing.

I commit myself to continue writing out every point that I experience as resistance, and until I am stable in my choice to engage in entertainment, I no longer accept and allow me to run from facing the reality of my inner experience through media/entertainment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misuse time with/as media from a starting point of averting/delaying responsibility of writing/reading/work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually delay the process toward unconditional self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of this blog as something special and needing special substance to my entries, such that I allow fear of not being special to contribute to delaying any/all writing for self. I commit myself to write outside of this blog and no longer allow it as a fear-excuse within me to not write at all.


When and as I see myself wanting to move into distraction so I don't have to do what I know I should do, I stop I breathe. I realize that the work I know I should be doing is nothing more than self-expression, and the resistance I experience as distraction thoughts or the actual feeling of discomfort when faced with work.

I commit myself to decoding this feeling that I've allow within and as my experience toward work.

I commit myself to writing about my resistances, to work it out within and as me, and stop projecting my responsibility or avoiding it.

Thank you.

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