Day 125 - Pacing Process
As I walk along this path with Desteni, I've been experiencing a lot of resistance. Sometimes I even wonder if I had not lived by the self-definition of "truthseeker," I would have bailed by now, but even this thought is charged by my mind, looking for ways to separate myself from others. So, I'm sticking to my guns, because once you have them in your hands, letting go is giving up. I can't go back to normal mind-energy indulgence levels, but moving forward is not easy either. It like having to re-learn life or something...from scratch
Well, not quite from scratch. I get to work the self-perfection tools so kindly presented by Desteni, and I work with myself to rebuild my relationship alignments (who I am in relation to anything). So far, I've specifically chosen how to 'handle' my relationships for maximum advantage within self-interest because I realized that as success based on the positive feelings. So, my sense of self had always been constructed by, as & within that positive feeling. And so I moved toward increasing my perception/awareness and my ability to see and understand how I can influence more situations across contexts. So my life emphasized the process of building myself to be greater. One example of how is the notion of abstraction, where I would seek the generalized knowledge that could be applied to many situations to come. I'm sure that's not an unfamiliar concept, but I like "owned" it. I created myself to believe myself to be smart and able, WHILE always tucking away the doubts and fears that I am actually less than others or less than able or missing a piece of the knowledge puzzle (dumb).
So, this Desteni I Process that I'm knee deep in is forcing me to look at myself and my daily behaviors so that I will begin to take full responsibility for everything of my life, something I've never thought mattered a whole lot. I used to think that as long as I could be on the up-side of my interactions, I will have money and be successful for my whole life. Now, that equality has entered the picture, oneness too, I have no more wiggle room to bullshit around. I didn't realize how addicted I am to dickin around until work is thrown at me, and now I have a lot of work. Responsibility goes up, work goes up. Seeing this as a bad thing is the leading procrastination factor for me.
To break down why I see work as negative: Lazy feels good. Lazy is easy. Lazy is free (haha). Lazy is me.
I've always wanted to get ahead in life without having to work hard. That's not going to work, so my pre-self-direction path of being smart and living off of others not being smart (a general conception of how I used to operate), simply won't do. Desteni has shown me oneness and equality, and I can't go back because that's it. When I'm on my death bed, I'll have wanted to done all I could have to make this world closer to perfect. I want to have done my part. So, to re-realize my power within equality is not a simple process. It's ugly. It's me though too.
Here I am, writing through resistance (though it's not cleared yet, no). And if I want to achieve my death bed goals, I need to continually assess my starting points within actions and thoughts. In doing this I can check my alignment on the scale from self-interested entertainment time-waster, to living equality as whats best for myself and others in terms of living to effectively support all life on Earth.
Specific self-forgiveness and corrective application statements to follow.