Day 115 - Fearing the breakdown

A consistent theme I'm finding in my Journey to Life is being afraid to tackle the tough points. I feel like I just want this to be done without having to actually get down and dirty. The points that I have spent a lot time compounding within me, like biting my nails and any prolonged habit, are scary to face. Why? Because I fear the complexity. I fear not being able to be successful with one powerful blow. And I fear not getting validation for my efforts as immediate success.

Phew.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to have instant gratification within my efforts, such that I fear even trying when my chance of success isn't certain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing the complexity within and as me, not realizing that I must take this process slowly and thoroughly, point by point, one bite at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overwhelmed by a heavily compounded point, such as nail biting and other long term habits, and through this overwhelmed feeling, shy away from facing the point because I don't believe that can take it on yet. Delay is in here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone working through a 'large' point because I allow anxiousness to direct my beliefs that I must address the entirety of a point within one blog post, or even one self-forgiveness statement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will fail or forgive myself wrongly, and so back down and wait until I am more able.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than able to do what needs to be done, and not realize that I am just experiencing resistance to letting go, through self-forgiveness, of the patterns that I have allowed to define who I think I am for an extended period of time.

I commit myself to facing the resistance I experience within seemingly large points by just starting to write, and continuing as the point opens up. Taking that first step is essential.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't be effective, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear is actually keeping me from being effective. I commit myself to pushing through the resistances to face myself and when I shy away from writing publicly, I shall write the point out for myself first.

I commit myself to realizing that I can't walk this process in one step, and I no longer allow this as an excuse to not walk at all.

I commit myself to red flagging the experience of overwhelmed. Here, I stop I breathe. Begin writing.

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