Day 248 - General Specificity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being over general with my self-investigation in a way that is akin to "BSing" school work or "fluff writing."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define generalized writing as bad because it isn't specific enough to be really effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a generalized writing form can serve as necessary, initial stepping stones in my Journey to Life process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving no where and making no progress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my efforts are futile, not realizing that by allowing this fear to direct me, I create and manifest the effect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not dedicate more time, earlier in the day, to my writing and investigation process, leaving me with no choice but to whip out a quickie at the end of the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only write the generalized dimension of a single point and then move on faster than I can realize what I've begun to discover.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disinterested in the specifics of a single point because it isn't as easy as the flow of an initial opening/discovery writing form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the specific dimensions of writing as 'hard' and 'too difficult' where I do not even allow myself to try going deeper.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing in relation to self-change if I write within depth and specificity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the opportunity to try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if I fall, I can try again.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the design of fearing to fail is keeping me from trying, keeping my from falling, and keeping me from getting back up and becoming stronger, and thus, fearing to fail = failing.
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When and as I see myself writing a generalized, surface level dimension of a point, I realize that this is just the first stage, and to not fear my inability to bring the point through a specific and thorough writing investigation. Here, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing about what comes up in a moment and when it's a point that I have already written on, I commit myself to reading and rediscovering within the prior post, how can I go deeper, what have I missed.

When and as I see myself wanting to just get by with a simple, easy, general post at that end of the day, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am compromising myself through a subtle emotional outflow of self-defeatist backchat that I haven't explored. I commit myself to stand up and stop the self-abuse through the realization of who I am in a moment with the application of my breathing awareness.

When and as I see myself fearing that I am not being specific enough and/or not going deep enough into a single point and thus through that, fearing that I am wasting my time writing fluff, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear is not benefiting me, and through that realization, I commit myself to conducting immediate, vocalized self-forgiveness on the fear before it becomes an outflow of inaction and self-limitation.

When and as I see myself wanting to run away from my blog because I fear not being able to produce a quality post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the moment of truth, so to speak. This is my chance to push through fear/resistance and not allow myself to be directed by it in a way that yields what I fear. I commit myself to identifying all points of fear, ESPECIALLY within the general dimension, so that I may gain clarity on what is moving me. From there, I commit myself to push through the fear and resistance of going deeper so that I may flow within the specifics of process as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot flow within the specific, thorough and more difficult dimensions simply because I haven't been able to nor have I given myself the time to practice my depth/specificity writing.
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When and as I see myself fall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can get up after a fall. I realize that I do not have to define myself as a failure because of this fall. I commit myself to standing back up and doing whatever it takes to press forward.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Here I am.

Day 247 - Simple Breathing & Living Application

There is this perspective that if you are aware of your breath...go ahead try it right now...really...stop reading and take a solid breath. STOP HERE, and breathe.

Now, how fast did you begin reading this next paragraph. Did you not want to participate? Were you aware of that moment from the breath perspective that everything stood still, in motion. It's not like we can't function when we are aware of our breathing. On the contrary, I have a more stable sense of direction when I take a breath and move from there.

Here is a fellow JTLer that posted this great point of support just before I started my JTL:
4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

It's a very well written example of how to slow down and see who self is in a moment. What I've noticed in the past few minutes of bringing myself back to my breath is that there are many thoughts racing through my head at pretty much any given moment. The thoughts move me and yet, I do not consider where they come from. Automated thinking patterns from an unknown origin. The cool part is that I can figure it out.

Imagine calling out a friend. How easy is it to see their flaw or their biased starting point? Now, imagine becoming self-accountable for each of self's thoughts. Where they come from? To source every reaction, every mind initiated starting point, being brutally honest with self in every moment of awareness..

Seems impossible. Or rather perhaps the most challenging challenge of life. Whatever. I'm doing it. I'm excited to see what 7 years of self-honest self-investigation reveals about who I am. And I'm stoked for the mindful reader as well. This blog is already becoming a solid document of self-change...oo, and interesting point to consider:  Where it is not, is to be reevaluated. Why have I not yet produced change in self (i.e. nail biting habit)? Where can I dig deeper? How can I understand the processes behind my predictive programming? Yes, the tools and prep work that is this writing.

So my blog stands for self-investigation for all to see as well as a document of self change. I've been too focuses on the former, and my self-change has been something I've been waiting for to happen, not realizing that I actually have to do the leg work and make it happen, as I opened up yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within and as every breath from the self that is here writing. There is a disconnect between the realizations and living the correction. This point must be investigated until I am effective in this regard to stop wasting time from an energy loaded, perspective spewing writing that results in no self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my daily living with out the simple awareness of my physical breathing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to slow down within the awareness of my breath to give myself the chance to really see who I am in that moment, how I am reacting to what, why. I realize that I can't hide the truth of self's existence within the brutal self-honesty that is here with every breath.

I commit myself to stop writing because I have to, and start writing to support and facilitate self-change through self-realization.

When and as I see myself within a strong emotion or thought chain, I stop I breathe. I realize my breath. I commit myself to breathing until I make a stable movement, practicing the living of what is best for me and all in that moment.

Day 246 - Self-Awareness: Gift of Life

"And the most important point within this process is our awareness." - Sunette
The above quote is from a recent HJTL post Self Change through Self Movement: DAY 332, and it was a really cool point of support for the moments when the "I am useless" thought comes up. I encourage the curious to check this one out.

My actual living process has been... under-realized, in a way that I have a more clear sense of direction while I am writing, but when I get back to "normal life/living" the old habits and patterns start to emerge. And in this I realize that the writing process can only take me so far. The self-discovery tool of writing with that intent, is an outstanding method of self support. I gain clarity whenever I write in this proactively self reflective way.

Artwork by Carrie Tooley
What I think I have been missing is the part where the real work comes in. Because I can flow within writing. Sometimes more easily than others, but moving my realizations into practical living application...it's a whole different dimension of process. It takes an acute and persistent effort to change self.

And as I've walked through some various layers of resistance to this self-uncovering process, I haven't yet walked through much of the resistance that comes up in moment of actually living the moment of self-change. I have less experience in that regard. My whole life has been more go with the flow and maximize personal benefit from what I already have. Hard work is unfamiliar because I've not had to work hard to get by within my pre-existing flow of life circumstance. Now that I find myself over 245 days into a 7 year Journey to Life, I am facing every obstacle that I have ever suppressed.

What is now coming up is fear, inadequacy and various forms of holding myself back from acting to give myself Life. "I can't do it" is like a nagging backchat that is just there even if I don't want to believe it, so I fight it. "Oh yes I Can!" and sometime this works and sometimes the inferiority complex wins the internal battle. This is not stability. This is not an expression of who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I am within a moment of breath as the awareness of self, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go off into my mind with a false sense of confidence that I know whatssup because I am writing daily about how I see myself within mental patterns, and not yet realizing what it takes to bring written realization through into physical living. It takes commitment.

Real living commitments. A living agreement with self.

I commit myself to living self-change.

When and as I see my self-defeatist characters come up, I stop I breathe. Realizing that I have entered a mental space in separation of myself as life, here with my breath, I commit myself to bringing myself back to the moment of my in-breath, check how I am living, breathe out, and live in alignment with the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop wavering in and out of desire and fear, creating a tornado of uncertainty experience that fuels my inferiority, ineptness. Here, I commit myself to stop the accumulation this internal experience before it gets to the point that I am living that out, instead of the self-awareness that is here in every breath.

To not get overwhelmed. To not unwind into uselessness and delay. I stand.

I commit to stand. I commit myself to not beat myself up with a spiraling, self-inept belief. I commit myself to getting up and remaining steady within my self-investigation AND living self-correction.

Yea!

Day 245 - Coffee & Attention

cc: pixabay
I've accidentally exposed myself to my relationship to coffee today. At 8:30PM, I decided to brew a pot. I wanted to get my head into that space of mental focus. I wanted that drive to perform at my peak. I wanted to find an easy way around resistance. K, haha, just going to hop into forgiveness for this one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize coffee as a crutch to find a level of willpower that I had believed myself to not have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship of dependency to coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can focus better and maintain my attention for longer when I consume coffee, not realizing that I can just as easily waste my time while hyped up on caffeine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse coffee and drink it just to feel the high of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my attention to wander, and with coffee, just wander faster :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that coffee is not to blame or credit for my work ethic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship to coffee such that I am less able to complete work and stay focused without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that coffee will solve my problems for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell others, in relation to my schoolwork, that "It wasn't me. The coffee got me A's," and within these the mental backchat justification was that I wouldn't have been able to stay focused and productive without coffee.  Call it ADD or whatever, it's time for me to start taking responsibility for my work ethic, and how and why I drink coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more in control when I drink coffee.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less in control when I do not have coffee, such that I allow the resistance and grogginess experience to shut down my work efforts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within an energetic relationship of belief in my productive ability that "I cannot do it" without external motivation such as coffee and time pressure.
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There is probably more dimensions to my coffee drinking character that I've created through separation, and I will face these points as it comes up. I really like coffee, so I will continue with my correction and realignment of who I am in relation to coffee/caffeine/stimulants in posts to come. For now,

I commit myself to experiment with my sober self and write about what is going on in my head when I am desiring coffee to expand my understanding of the relationship I have created there.

When and as I see myself wanting to drink coffee for the purpose of getting things done without having to push through resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am slowly embedding a program of dependency into myself, essentially stating "I am weak and unable to overcome resistance (of hard work) unless I drink coffee." I commit myself to showing myself that I can still work strong, fast and effectively without the use of stimulants as an external motivation to stay focused and attentive.

I commit myself to practicing my self-application without coffee, to stabilize my productivity and work ethic while sober, and end the abuse of drinking too much coffee.

When and as I see myself drinking lots of coffee (3+ cups) so that I can get lots of work done, I stop I breathe. I realize that I actually do not need this much coffee ever. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse coffee in this way. I commit myself to toning down my coffee consumption until I have cleared my unfettered relationship to it, so that I may once more enjoy coffee for it's basic expression of itself. I am the coffee. I am me. I am with coffee, most simply.

A moment of my past:
I had developed a strong affinity toward this segment of a Futurama television episode:

Day 244 - Where has my Attention Gone?

Continuing from yesterday, I am expanding here on how my attention like to wander. I realize that each individual instance of attention wandering may have various, specific points that require my attention, ha. So the basis of all my self-investigation work requires that I be attentive to what takes my attention away.
cc

I have labeled myself as having ADD, but what that actually entails, I have not thoroughly investigated. To define it, once and for all, Attention Deficit Disorder is, in my experience of it, an agility of thought that moves on to the next thought rapidly and frequently. I can pay attention to something for a long time if I need to/want to, but usually I just don't want to. So, ADD for me is kind of a positive mind state seeking. I want to be engaged with the next thought. That's the positive definition that I have utilized to cope with "ADD."

The negative side is how the willingness to not give too much attention to any one thing causes much unfinished business. I tend to have a difficult time with long and tedious work, and usually just let my mind jump around until I must stay focused (i.e. procrastination & delay patterns). When I used to smoke weed, my attention was diverted continuously within a favorable experience, and the primary consequence was a trail of unfinished work/projects/pursuits. I don't blame the flower, but it did positively amplify the experience of my attention frolicking.

So, this point of establishing a stable attention within myself and in reference to my own self-honesty that is here in every single breath is not going to be as simple and straight forward as I would like it to be. What I've liked is the "freedom" of a wandering attention. This is a major key: realizing that this "freedom" is not real freedom. It's more accurately a predictable out flow of lack of self-control over my attention. My willingness to jump around with whatever is impulsed my way is like the ultimate programming, isn't it? I've opened myself up to psychological attacks from the media, namely,sex and money appeal, but even just now the bag of cookies that my brother just put in front of my face (impulse) caused an internal debate that lead to an imagination and mouth watering that took over control and I ate a damn cookie. In this specific case, I realize that I need to investigate several dimension of my sugar eating character.

Bottom line: establishing a consistent self-awareness of myself AS my attention will be a great benefit to my discipline. Enough prelude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with the alternative attention outlet such that I build up an internal friction-energy that takes me away from my self-attention. So, a key realization here is that what I am correcting is my relationship to the individual subjects/objects of attention that seem to take me over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself go within an energy experience overlay onto whatever is calling for my attention without me considering who I am within that movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with myself as breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my self-attention is who I am, and within this, every time my attention is diverted, I am responsible for that, it was my decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility and self-awareness when I become distracted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within a series of attention grabs. In this my sense of awareness of self, of my breath, is nonexistent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about my breath of life as who I am in every moment when I blindly follow whatever catches my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive power away to whatever distraction that I have deem as interesting. In this process, I am not creating a self-honest agreement in relation to relinquishing my attention from one thing to the next. I am merely within a reactive, predictably programmed mind experience that I had once created within myself from a starting point of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define all self-interested pursuits as valuable and worthy of my attention  not realizing that through this program, I am placing control of my attention outside of myself as I passively seek fulfillment of this desire, which is the base program of my automatic attention diversion acceptances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally become distracted because I am experiencing resistance to what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not always be present with my breath, what is here, and what requires to be done.
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When and as I see myself within the friction of an internal debate for my attention, I remember to stop and breathe. I realize that if I am with my breath, I may take into consideration a stable perspective and make a real self-directed decision. I commit myself to stop allowing my attention to move with distractions when I become aware of my who I am as my breath. I commit myself to moving from a common sense starting point, and when I am in discord with that, I commit myself to investigate my relationship to whatever had grabbed my attention without permission.

When and as I see myself in a series of attention diversion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I need to start writing down all the distractions, so that I can remember and analyze what I deem is worthy of my attention. I commit myself to the self-honest investigation of all attention grabs.

When and as I see myself deliberately moving into a distraction, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that this is just a well embedded system of conscious diversion. I commit myself to breathing through the resistance that lead me to make a deliberate choice to go into a distraction from whatever I was currently facing.

When and as I see myself in a loss of directive control of my attention, I stop I breathe. I realize I need to investigate the specifics of each particular attention preference that I have coded into my mind. I commit myself to bring myself back to my hereness with my breath, so that I may once again stand up and direct my attention to what is here, what requires to be done to create a world that is best for all.

Thank you.

Day 243 - The Responsibility of Self-Attention

"The solution of attention I present to you is the focused specificity application of yourself as who you are in every moment as every breath. "
While I was walking through my DIP lesson this month, there was a section on attention that I found to be very relevant to what I'm walking through right now. It's so simple and yet so profound.

It's all too often that I allow attention diversions to take me away from my breath, my being here, my presence of and within the moment. Silly distractions even. One my guilty indulgences is this game called Subway Surfers. One of it's main features is that it's "highly addictive." It's also a time sink that I don't really want anyone to know about. Hidden and shameful....nice. SO, I blog about it because it's what has come up.
source
I could go into excuses and justifications why I continually allow myself to play this game, but the key point is that it's one of the major attention diversions in my life. I probably won't even be writing about it if I had somehow decided to open the app while I was watching the Solution of Attention video interview. It was much like a window of opportunity to see myself and finally take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing in this context. There is one other video game app that I like to play, but I'll address that in another post.

Which leads me to a noteworthy side point: selective self-responsibility. Oh, how I react to that concept! Like what the hell am I doing. Okay, breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to become frustrated with myself for what I have been allowing myself to exist as and participate in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry that I do not act within the common sense of what is best for all.

I compromise myself through repetitive allowance of attention diversion. It's bullshit. It's shameful. And this is where SF come in. Breathe..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, for a long time, continue to participate in the video game because I want to have lots of virtual coins. Why? I want the purchasing power, even if it is only within the game. Oh man, there is something else going on here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be greedy and filled with desire to have lots of (virtual/not real) money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will have real satisfaction from unlocking something new. This is a primary additive point for most video games.

Now, why is this (guilty) indulgence something that I must stop? It's who I am within it. I reduced myself to a simplified, zombie state. Motivated by a transient/null reward, I play it every day so I can get the "super mystery box" each time I play. The consequence of letting this play out, unchecked, unmoderated, unfettered, automatically, is an accumulation of lost time, time that I will never get back. And this is vital time. I am walking my process. Don't I want to be as effective as I can be? YES! I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for relinquishing my attention.

I commit myself to to patiently and consistently work myself back to here by investigating these long running patterns of lost time where I have allowed an attention diversion and deliberately not investigate it.

I'll continue tomorrow with more detailed SF on Self-Attention. For now, If you are curious about the video interview I was watching, I am happy to inform you that it's publicly available here: The Solution of Attention

:)

Day 242 - Worldly Responsibility

This post is a semi-capstone to my mini writing series on responsibility:
Day 241 - The Path of Least Resistance

I say "semi" because I've realized the multidimensional layering of my current, encrypted personality designs takes patience and persistence to decipher. I have always had a hasty walk. To get from point A to B, I would much rather bike or skateboard, and so within this writing process, where I am walking through my mind and realigning myself with and as life, I have had the tendency to try to race to the finish. So far, I've been trying to move through points so fast that I haven't been giving myself the time to apply and live the correction that I lay out in my commitments.

So, taking responsibility is really a two part process within ONE decision. The decision to actually walk the correction, and then to actually WRITE and APPLY.

It's a little awkward at first, I'll admit. Moving from passive consumption to participatory engagement is strange because I've spent so much time passive and reacting, that self movement and leadership just doesn't seem natural. There is a lot of internal resistance that leads to excuses for not changing self in a way that is self-honestly responsible for how self decides to exist. Why is this important?

The obvious: self-empowering to become a responsible and effective leader of oneself.

The ultimate: not everyone is able to make this choice to become responsible for their living. Us privileged people that have the time and resources to read this blog are unimaginably lucky relative to the far less fortunate citizens of this earth. I recommend this free interview if you want a polar opposite perspective to put your life into perspective.

So, for me to sit pretty, troubled by mundane affairs and getting the nice car for social status, requires a layer of ignorance or complex suppression. How could anyone sit pretty while there are lives on earth in absolute discord and strife? The only reason I can come up with is brainwashed or rather brain-conditioned to feel powerless, inadequate in the context of changing the world. Deep down everyone want this world to be free and fair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot make this world perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that I will fail in this world, that the world is too big for me to make a difference, that I am powerless in the context of the bigger picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent and seek momentary pleasures because I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can simply maintain a happy life for myself through leveraging my fortunate circumstances and ability to provide for myself and maybe for only a hand for of others that I determine are also more valuable than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself, my life as more valuable because of my ability to be successful.

What's going on here? I am forgiving myself for the what ever layers come up in relationship my position in the world. Why? Because I have found this perspective of self-interest to be limiting the amount of responsibility I have allowed myself to take on. What's wrong with that? Self-sabotage to the detriment of all life on earth.

Understand that each has the potential to contribute to creating a world that is best for all. What's more is that if we do not take on this worldly responsibility, who will?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the powers that be to take care of me, completely abdicating my responsibility for my world and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize my role within existence as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist contemplating and understanding the implications of universal oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist taking responsibility for my individual participation as a one and equal life-form, manifest.
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When and as I see myself fearing to take responsibility for myself in the context of this entire existence, I stop I breathe. I realize that if the large majority share and allow this fear, we are enslaved to this hellish existence we call Earth. I commit myself to showing others that that I can stand up as a responsible citizen of earth, supporting what's best for all.

When and as I see myself facing resistance toward self-honest, self/world-responsibility, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create this experience of resistance according to my residual pre-programming. I commit myself to walking through resistance within my breath, to be who I am as responsible for my world.

When and ass I see layers of self-doubt in the context of responsibility and overcoming resistance energy, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have to walk through a multidimensional encryption. I commit myself to not giving up, within a full understanding of my ability to stand, utilizing the tools of self-forgiveness and breath to decrypt and remove my conditioned internal experiences, to ultimately create myself as a responsible expression of life within oneness and equality.

One step at a time, I commit myself to stabilizing, here, within my breath, as a pillar of support for all to stand and take ownership of this world.


Day 241 - The Path of Least Resistance

The saying goes "electricity takes the path of least resistance." In reality, energy takes all paths and just most of it goes the path of least resistance. Relating this back to how my mind operates, how my thoughts move and ultimately move me: I tend to move in the path of least resistance.

There is an internal experience of "resistance" that I want to pick apart. The experience can be quite difficult to deal with unless I move with it, meaning I allow it to direct me. That is a fall in terms of being self-directive.  Imagine the energy as a wall at a fork in the road, creating resistance to go down one of the paths. The open path is the easy way. It is to procrastinate. It is to distract oneself. From what? What is the path that the wall blocks? It is the responsible thing to do. To determine what the responsible thing to do is a matter of internal integrity, honesty with self.

And this is the crux of it all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flow with the energy of mind that is resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower resistance energy through allowing it to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that resistance energy is my own creation and its power over me is my choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the consequence of allowing resistance to move me is far worse than walking through the momentary discomfort of resistance.

Quoting a friend: "Walking through the resistance - NOT SO EASY, feels like you're walking through 1000 waterfalls rushing within you/infront you that you have to push through"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing in the face of resistance, not realizing that this fear contributes to empower the resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only casually/occasionally push through resistance  and then attribute my 'success' as indefinite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to make a responsible, self-directed decision, instead of nonchalantly just going with the thoughts that come up in favor of the resistance energy. There are a multitude of excuses that I am aware of that justify this nonchalant, casual acceptance and allowance of resistance energy movements. I commit myself to red flag these excuses/justifications to mark them for asap investigation. This resistance game needs to come to an end, and the only way that's going to happen is if I accumulate responsible decisions.

The movement of energy within is a fascinating topic of study. And if the only thing getting in my way is myself as resistance energy, well, it's time to really take responsibility for my movements. In taking responsibility, I know what I am doing and am able to initially investigate why. From there, I can write/speak the self-forgiveness as an honest expression of myself here. Next step is to write the new law of self, to lay the groundwork of my self-direction, and stick to what works.

But, one step at a time, first step's first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that resistance will hurt me if I move through it.
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When and as I see myself in the face of resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize this is an opportunity to see my participation within it. I commit myself to moving through resistance or asap writing about why I caved.

To be continued..

Day 240 - Timing and Responsibility in my Hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into place with energy in such a way that I only know how to move within energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely when I do not have a positive energy guiding me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I know how to be successful only within and through energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for myself from a starting point of what is here physically.

At the moment I am experiencing a bit of tiredness, ran around a lot today, and with this tiredness, I am frantically searching for viable distractions, my mind races with ideas to not have to face what is here, which is the physical keystrokes and this computer screen. As I sit and choose not to participate in the distractions, I realize that I have to use like an inverse energy experience of imagining the dissatisfaction I would have with myself for indulging in the non-productive time sinks. For example, I could go down the stairs and eat some chocolate ice cream with peanut butter and watch a little of whatever my mother is watching on the television. I would typically just go for it through justifying it with backchat, "it won't that that long."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that each moment and activity related to delay add together and accumulate. I do not want to be accumulating the consequence of a immediate desire fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my responsibility into the hands of my future self, believing that I will be be able to just do everything later. This is not leadership. This is sneaky form of complacency. "Oh, I'm so able, I can just do it later." There is this underlying belief that I do not need to work as hard right now because I can catch up to the average work ethic. It's a perpetuation of my past ability to work under pressure and get things done at the last minute. This method seemed to free up a lot of time for the cost of being in slave-mode for only a brief sprint at the end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude my potential production by subscribing to the belief that I only need to just get by and fit in with the majority. At the same time, I had held the belief that I was a top tier human being, I was just to afraid to fail, so I had never put myself out there within leadership roles. I had inverted. I focused on becoming an effective leader of myself. It seemed like a smart choice, but what happened was no real accountability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me purely so I could feel like my imagined greatness of self was legitimate, not realizing that others were actually showing me myself. All this time I have been building this self-concept, and only occasionally acting to achieve my goals. There was always more time..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay the responsibility I have toward myself in developing my talents and abilities through applying myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on external motivation to produce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent of self-compromise at play through participating within my ego and believing I am who I think I am.

It's a curious thing, this allowance of my internal make-believe world as a reference point and a starting point. As I progress in diffusing the charges of limited perspective inherent in these personality programs, I start to wonder how I ever could have been so foolish, but that's just another program of self-criticism. The reality is, the chain of events that lead me to where I was and am today. All things considered, there is no secret. Only responsibility to direct oneself to support what is best, best for all.

I will continue to decipher my resistance in being a responsible citizen of this earth so that I may become increasingly effective within stabilized self-motivation and share with you how I did it. Thanks.

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The direction of the world is related to how much responsibility
the individual is willing to take.

Day 239 - Becoming Responsible

I am getting a sense for what it means to grow up. This is a rite of passage that all kids go through when entering adulthood. Moving back home after college has prolonged this process a bit, but the cool part is that I've been writing and blogging about my daily experience for quite some time. I started my first process journal June 2010 and started this blog about 2 years later. Now, I'm beginning to feel like a year's worth of blogs is just around the corner.

This time creep, if you will, is an interesting experience. One day I'm young, the next I'm old. You hear this from older people all the time, and it's as if there is a disconnect between reality and perception of self. There is an imagined version of self that is idealized and able.

My college lifestyle
What I am realizing over broad period of time is that I too am growing up, and with that comes a multitude of responsibility. This type of responsibility is typically learned by necessity, but there are ways to delay becoming responsible, especially when one is able to do so. In my case, I have been able to delay the onset of responsibility. Perhaps a slower transition is will lead to a better outcome... Whoa, no, hold on. This is smelling like a justification. It sure is easier to transition more slowly, and it's a heck of a lot easier to postpone responsibility when the world is not pressing on me.

College was a place far from home that I was able to get a sense of what it's like to be on my own feet. While this is true in some regards, I was not funding my own education/rent/food. I had severally underestimated what it takes to make ends meet. I was simply following the groove of my destiny, boarding to class and living like a really chill cat. I took care of my pressed responsibilities (i.e. passing grades and cleaning dishes), and the rest of the time that was afforded to me, I just had fun. That was the plan: Get a degree and enjoy my social experience. I also enjoyed my own time in being creative or going to the beach (Ya, school on the ocean)!

My point here is there are several perspectives of responsibility, and I haven't considered them all. This is changing. I easily accepted that I was responsible by the definition of getting passing grades, not even good grades. I was weaker yet in terms of eating a healthy, physically supportive diet. I got my exercise through having fun, so I didn't even consider being responsible in that area (an issue in itself: that of ignorant irresponsibility). And that leads me into the big one...being responsible for this world as a participant.

I had this imagined version of myself, where I was great and leader-like, and I was going to study communication and talk to the world. Through this idealized version of myself that was just going to happen sometime in the future, I had lost touch with reality. I almost felt like that was who I was already, and no hard work would be required to become who I already am (fascinating).

In a way, I had reduced the definition of responsibility to "making the right choices." I wasn't very aware of this definition. I had always just made a decision and followed through, and doing hard work can simply be that. What I was doing though, was only choosing to expose myself to easy paths. Some verb-age from my fathers mouth "...path of least resistance," was said in a positive way, and so I adapted this into my program.

So here's the interesting end thought:
Above, I made the statement "I was simply following the groove of my destiny," and I meant it as kind of a natural unfolding of life. What I had long believed my destiny to be was to be someone really significant and change the world to be a better place. I have a vivid memory from 7th grade history of wanting to be written about in the history books. The problem was that I didn't think I had to work very hard to get to such a position, and later on, as I became exposed to 2012 readings and new age spiritualism, I saw a nice fit in being able to become the "great, enlightened world saver" I was destined to be with no real effort. All I had to do was meditate with mantras and cast violet light across the neighborhood (yes, I did that).

Now, I find myself in the shoes of a Destonian, as a member of Desteni. I am no longer within my simple destiny groove. The transition from destiny to desteni was similar to the derailing of a train. Had I spent several thousand more dollars on reaching higher consciousness, my train may have been moving too fast, too confidently to consider that I was wrong in any way. Fortunately, I had an open enough mind to conduct a thorough investigation.

And what did I find?

An overlap. I was on board with oneness, but I couldn't wrap my head around equality. I had wanted to make the world a better place by becoming better (than others) myself. That fit nicely with the "best for all" principle. One of the most mind boggling perspectives of oneness and equality that Desteni presents is becoming responsible for the entire world. I perceived that was what I wanted, not what I already was. That was the real source of the initial shock. Actually hearing the message of becoming responsible.

I am leaning what is means to be responsible in a practical, create myself through effort kind of way. This is not exclusive to Desteni, but the Destonians aren't kidding around. Desteni I Process is a fast track to removing the mental limitation and excuses for not being responsible for self and this world as a whole. All things considered, greed and self-improvement just don't make the cut. Aligning the expression of self as life, to support what is best for all life, through a process of self-perfection...is becoming responsible.

Investigate for yourself where you stand in this world.

Day 238 - "I can't do it" in my Imagination

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I went rock climbing today for the first time in a long time, and I conveniently got a bit closer to my "I can't do it" character. There was one particular spot that I was stuck at, and my forearms were starting to turn to fire. And to reach the point of 'giving up' I had imagined the possibilities and nothing seemed to work. I couldn't make the reach. I 'gave up.'

Thankfully, my belay buddy caught me and wouldn't let me down. I was throwing a mini fit while I contemplated a second attempt with what little strength I had left. Thanks to her stubbornness, I got the chance to hang out, 40 feet above the ground, and cool off. Eventually I found the needed foot hold that I had missed while frantically imagining the possibilities that all led to failure, and I was able to finish the climb.

This imagination dimension is just one piece of this puzzle that I utilize to persuade myself that "I can't do it." I will continue to write about the other character dimensions in upcoming posts. This character is as good as any for getting acquainted with these dimensions that are behavioral blueprints of the mind in a way. I will soon make a post that overviews these character dimensions that are essentially the foundational components of each personality we have created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the possible scenarios/options that do not work and lead to failure, instead of taking a breath and really examining all possibilities that are here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to operate and based my decisions from an imagined version of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can imagine opportunities and the play outs of each scenario better from within my mind than I could if I was just operating within and from the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to figure out what is here in a moment and so rely on my superior observational powers of imagined reality play outs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and retreat away from a goal when the going gets tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate imagined failure to motivate myself to become the "I can't do it" character/personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was operating from a panicked, energy state of mind when I was going through imagined possibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the physical and focus all my attention on a limited rendition of reality.
--
When and as I see myself imagining "all" the possibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may missing opportunities I haven't uploaded into my mental video player. I commit myself to flag pointing the "I can't do it" character and backtracking to see how I have convinced myself that "I can't do it."

When and as I see myself imagining failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have diminished what is physically here into/as a mental representation of what I think might happen. I commit myself to the realization that I am not considering reality when I am imagining. I know this will take awhile before I am comfortably living self-trust within each and every here-moment as the breath and to be able to make this my starting point of every decision. I commit myself to familiarizing myself with the character dimensions / mind blueprints so that I am able to see the activation sequence more readily. This way I will be more able and prepared to STOP the personality before it possesses me.

When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do it" because I have imagined all the possibilities and reached a conclusion of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that if failure is inevitable from a starting point assessment based within the physical reality, I would then make a common sense decision. I realize that if failure seems likely based on a starting point of mental processing, I need to take a breath and get back to what is really here. I commit myself to stop thinking that I know it all, because from this mental 'knowing' I realize I do not know what I do not know. I breathe. I keep coming back to reality. I stop the characters when and as I see them. It could be an instant stop. It could take a month of writing. I am no longer concerned with being able to always be able to stop the character from the get-go because I realize that some of these personalities are deeply ingrained into my physical-flesh.

No more panicked judgments of reality. Slow down Dan.


Day 237 - The "I Can't Do it" Character

Related to this theme of work ethic that I've been writing about the past few days, I'd like to take this time to begin working with the character dimensions. Why is this? "I can't do it."

Again there is this fear of failure, and it is increased because of this expectation that if I am thorough with decoding of this "I can't do it" character with all of the character dimensions and STILL fail to remove the self-limitation pattern, "then I'm really screwed."

Artwork by Kelly Posey


Okay, forgiveness game plan: first this above point, then I'll flow out some "I can't do it" SF related to the backchat dimension and tomorrow I'll expound upon the character dimensions. My lack of understanding is no longer an accepted or allowed excuse within me as fuel for this self-sabotaging fear of failure crap.


Note Current Related:


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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become apprehensive and shy away from things that are new/novel/foreign because I do not want to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to with inferiority toward unfamiliar objects/objectives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go with the thought that "I can't do it" when faced with a challenge of doing something new.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be perfect/great at something that I've never before tried.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I must have success initially without making any mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be unsuccessful before I have even become acquainted with the new challenge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I am paving the road to failure with the thought "I can't do this."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I create my reality and that which I think will manifest if I allow it to accumulate and build momentum into the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to passively assume that "I can't do it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that "I can't do it" from a starting point of self-doubt/inferiority, not considering the practical, physical dimension of whether or not I can really do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been basing my decisions within energetic fluctuations in my head based on my past. It's like a snowball of determinism!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the chance to try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in and empower my fear of failure, make it out to be real as if it is actually real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate fear.
--
When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do it," I stop I breathe. I realize that I have reacted and this thought is an energetic relation to the external challenge  I commit myself to really stop, breathe, and consider what is practically here before I just go on and automatically think that "I can't do it."

When and as I see myself reacting toward a challenge or something new with any thought, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have created a mental system from past experience that operates in relation to my ability to succeed. I commit myself to making a note of these challenge initiated, reactive thoughts, and then moving them through into a writing expansion to determine the pattern that remains in control and in my way of a stable, breathing decision  where I practically take into consideration all relevant points that are here.

When and as I see myself moving within fear of failure, away from the challenge, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have reacted, and within this realization, I commit myself to not react in self-pity. I commit myself to either stand up and go back to face the point of challenge or to write about what happened.

I commit myself to write, write, write, until my keyboarding speed is over 55WMP, and until I am able to move my realization from the paperwork into reality through a moment of living application. Until I am consistently applying the principles of which I write, I commit myself to continue writing. Until it is done. I can do this!

Day 236 - My Favorite Excuse

Continued from yesterday (Day 235 - Opportunist vs. Excuse Maker) & exposing my favorite excuse:
Fear of failure
The only issue with fear of failure is that it's HUGE. It's central to most of my decision processes. And the forms it takes on like embarrassment, rejection, inability, loss, etc. What I find is that when I am faced with particular opportunities, I will have that experience of "not being able to do it." Before I even realize the experience, I am moving away from it, seeking the next best option that IS doable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing effort into a project that I think I will not succeed at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting time if I fail, not realizing that success depends on failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILURE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away or give up on the pursuit of anything that I fear failing at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I have been cowering in fear when I redirect to a more obtainable goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have defined myself as one who enjoys a challenge so long as I believe I am able to succeed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become motivated by failure, either to shy away or become invigorated with the challenge.

primary memory of positive fear motivation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have created  polarity within the experience of failure, and only really considered the positive affect of becoming motivated to overcome fear, and suppressing the moments when fear motivates me to run.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define fear and cowardice as weak, and through that charge have refused to see myself in that light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate how I am moved by fear in the negative/weak polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the fear within an unconscious statement that who I am is a coward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self-judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a coward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place fear of failure as an authority and yet still believe that I am greater than fear, not realizing myself as the fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I create the fear, and thus create my reality.
--
When and as I see a movement of fear within me when faced with an opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the creator of this fear emotion. I commit myself to stop simply allowing fear of failure to direct me. I commit myself to acknowledging the fear as equal and one with myself, and through this I decide who I am in that singular moment: self-directed or fear-directed.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to overcome challenges that I believe I can succeed in doing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this positive version of failure motivation is an energetic polarity of the fear that disables me. I commit myself to facing challenges and opportunities from a stabilized starting point assessment of what is here and what I can practically do.

When and as I see myself defining myself by fear or fearing to realize how I have made a living statement of myself in fear, I stop I breathe, I realize that it takes great courage to admit to fear because admitting fear entails a moment of lack of courage. I commit myself to stop the double dipping of cowardice and start owning up to my fears while being brutally honest with myself.

When and as I see myself turn away from a challenging opportunity because I am afraid to fail and within that waste time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I learn through failure and by allowing fear to direct me away from trying to succeed will result in never trying, and thus never succeeding. I commit myself to fail so that I may stand up strong having faced failure.

I commit myself to spending more time analyzing and decoding my relationship to fear and failure, so that I may steadily work through each layer.

I realize that fearing failure, creates real failure. I commit myself to no longer accept failure within fear. Self-directed failure, I invite. That is how I will grow. Thanks.


Day 235 - Opportunist vs Excuse Maker

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The past 2 days, I've been writing about hope and luck. Today, I want to build context. I have always been attracted to the opportunity for advancement. Isn't everyone?

Well, I think my problem had evolved over the years as I got used to a stream of great opportunities. I began to expect great deals and accept nothing less. For instance, when I want something that I may be able find used, I go straight to Craigslist.org to find the good deal. As I enter the job market, I have been comparing my time spent working for money against my time spent developing my character.

I watched a cool TED talk today called Why you will fail to have a great career by Larry Smith. Basically, I saw myself more clearly as a person that has dreams, but also as the person who makes excuses to not pursue them as I wait/hope for my lucky break, my perfect opportunity to reach my goals. Quite the wake-up call.

Will I continue to separate myself from reality as a dreamer that doesn't put forth the effort to make my dreams come true? No, I will not. I am done waiting for greatness. I once heard that preparedness is essential to seize opportunity. It's time to stop making excuses and prepare myself for the road ahead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become accustomed to great opportunities to the degree that I do not act unless a great opportunity presents itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to create my own opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be proactive about seeking or creating opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an opportunity because I wasn't prepared.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from reality by identifying with my imagined greatness that was to unfold through opportunity that I projected in my future based on nothing more than pure desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will be fortunate for the rest of my life and that I will not have to work hard because I am good at seizing great opportunities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by only considering my desired careers/jobs/opportunities without establishing a practical means to get myself in that desired position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time waiting for opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the initiative for creating myself in alignment with my desired opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses so I could remain safe and not risk failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word failure and allow it to direct my decision process through excuses to not create opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability and so hold myself back from reaching my potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only act on safe and obvious opportunities and in this allow myself to become complacent and hopeful of the next opportunity.

To be continued tomorrow.

Day 234 - Lucky Life = Free Money?

Related to my hopefulness, I have had this relationship with being lucky. I've basically been so fortunate in this life that I've not only taken it for granted, I've thought myself to special and important because of my apparent luck. Later on this evolved into power, where I believed myself to have the power of Attracting good fortune into my life. This belief had the consequence of a subtle undertone in my primary personality related to money: I didn't have to work hard.

So recap of the delusion: I have been fortunate. This means I'm special. If I am special and lucky, maybe it is my own doing via Law of Attraction (LOA). I am powerful.

Okay, thank goodness I found Desteni before my spiritual ascension endeavors took my ego-delusion to higher levels. This personality related to money is extensive and today's post will just cover the lucky sliver. My first money personality post can be found here.

pic credit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am to blame for my relative fortunate living circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can attract wealth without having to work for it and that there would be no consequence for this little (LOA) trick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special and important because of my apparent luck.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my purpose and destiny from the starting point that I am lucky and therefore more able to be important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-worth in accordance to how much luck I have or am able to cultivate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my past luck as significant to who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will always have enough and can be supported through luckiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as lucky and through that justify my lack of work ethic because working hard had never been required of me to be satisfied. Moderately spoiled was plenty enough to breed ignorance of the world-wide ratio for relative work ethic to basic needs met.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can be successful without putting in a hard work ethic because I am able to perpetuate my luck.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decision to give back to the world through/because I have been lucky in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk with Desteni based on the decision to give back to the world through/because I have been lucky in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth within luck, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my value and worth according to how lucky I have been.
--
When and as I see myself within fortune and reacting positively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by placing value into this lucky happenstance, I am supporting my relationship within luck. I commit myself to working hard regardless of lucky breaks.

When and as I see myself wishing/hoping for something and expecting to get it because "I create my own luck," I stop I breathe. I realize that even though I wrote about this yesterday, I still will have a habit to attempt to use these "special powers" to benefit me. I commit myself to stop manifesting luck through energy/mind.

When and as I see myself relying on or assuming good fortune in the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that only the physical movement of creation is real, and that by using LOA to manifest an outcome without physical effort, it is temporary, unstable, and I am accumulating consequence. I commit myself to stop assuming a positive outcome, and instead create a positive outcome through practical, physical influence.

When and as I see myself as lucky, I stop I breathe. I realize this as an embedded self-definition that I have programmed into my personality design. I commit myself to realizing who I am as the breath of my physical and ending all mental self-definitions.

When and as I see myself believing myself to be special and/or important, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past experiences with luck have shaped who I think myself to be. I realize this as the delusion of self. I commit myself to exposing all self-definitions that are not strictly life, so that I can see my created personality and forgive myself for thinking that is who I am.

When and as I see myself utter the word LUCK, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can set flag points as words to bring myself back into my breath. I commit myself to checking to see how I have used the word luck to find how I still relate to the word. I commit myself to walking the purification process of the spoken word, word by word. Word? Word.

Check out equalmoney.org to have your voice heard, so your children won't have to be so lucky.

Day 233 - Hope vs. Hard Work

I had been neglectful of doing hard work for reasons unknown to me. The foremost answer that comes to mind when I ask myself why, is that I truly haven't worked very hard for anything. I have been fortunate and privileged for the majority of my life. Now I find myself debate-free with a college degree, and yet I still do not know what it is to work hard. This changes here.

In my Journey to Life, I investigate who I have become through the many influences throughout my life. I realize that I am a product of these influences by choice of what I accepted and allowed within me through the base programs of fear and self-interest. Through fear of failure and preordained fortune, I have found myself quite content with minimal effort or struggle...and now that I am faced with the world's money system, I see that the passive, hopeful route is not going to cut it. And in terms of this self-investigation process, I have been holding myself back through my bare-minimum work ethic. This stops here.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on hope and luck to determine my success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only work as hard as was required of me from my external forces.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for my self-direction within work and accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing uncertainty to dictate who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the flow of my environment because I was able to live comfortably without asserting my effort, and thus was enabled to hide my fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I was afraid to assert myself because I was afraid to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my environment to act first so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect what I hoped would come true, to come true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past fortune indicates future fortune, and through this design I existed within hope without realizing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I am hopeful of a fortunate future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work hard only when I was assured of success or fair payoff.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set the bar low for myself instead of striving to really excel wherever I apply myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up and direct my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for my world to present opportunity to me that I would take if I was certain that wouldn't fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my fear of failure from myself through hope and waiting for fail-safe opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be passive within my world, accepting the hope as an alternative to hard work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could simple attract (LOA) fortune to me through the design of hope and positive thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work hard.
--
When and as I see myself waiting for opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize that I could be waiting my whole life or I could be utilizing my time to make something of myself and of my world and reality. I commit myself to work hard for my rewards in life from now on, meaning: NO MORE LOA,  HOPE, or WAITING.

When and as I see myself passively hoping for that pretty girl to talk to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear of failure/rejection has a solid foundation within me. I commit myself to patiently & persistently picking apart my experience pf failure and rejection within myself, so that I may forgive my allowed passive existence and get on with living!

When and as I see myself immobilized by fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize there are many forms and circumstances of which this personality characteristic comes into play. I commit myself to move myself through the resistance generated by this fear and when I do not, to investigate the specifics of that particular event. I commit myself to write about my fear until I understand it and release it. It does not serve me, and I do not need to protect it, so why have I been? I believe in the experience of fear and thus empower it.

When and as I see myself hoping, praying or desiring something without having to work for it, I stop I breathe. I realize myself in the physical and I realize that practical, physical steps are how create my world and reality. I commit myself to using my words and my physical body to make shit happen. No more innocent, wishful, naive, positive thinking in the form of hope. I commit myself to the residual realization of how I can get stuff done with hard work.

When and as I see myself passively waiting for my momentous fortune to carry me through life, I stop I breathe. I realize the illusion that is my mind. I realize that the overlap between mind and reality can be convincing. I realize that disappointment in oneself is certain with a reliance on hope to carry me forward. I commit myself to taking that breath and moving myself within a practical plan to accomplish my goals.


pic credit: deviantart.com

Day 232 - Work Ethic: Unplugged

How hard I work is a relative perception. As I began to see yesterday, I have been overestimating my work ethic for some time now. I have been working a sales/marketing job for the past 4 days, 8 hours a day, and it's pretty hardcore relative to having no job. What I've realized is how much work I am able to accomplish when I am really working. So far, the best part of this job was seeing this factor. Seeing exactly how valuable an hour of time is.

It's not a completely foreign concept and I've done some writing about this is the past, but the relative perceptual factor I hadn't really been aware of. When my environment is fast paced, I feel charged and motivated to do more work, and this is the climate of the work culture that is implemented through various "stay positive" techniques. Even when I was in school I was motivated with regard to seeing how much everyone around me was doing everyday.

So my question is: How do I determine my work ethic without relating to anyone around me? Why haven't I already figured this out?? I've taken for granted my external circumstances for a long time, to the point that I didn't ever realize the internal-external point of separation for the source of my motivation. This is interesting.

When I come back to this first question, the obvious answer is self-honesty, FYI. I can only determine how hard I work relative to how hard I can work within being honest with myself. What I've done over time is lose sight of how hard I can be working through a repetitive and varying dishonesty within self (a.k.a. excuse). And there is shame here. Will this shame be my internal source of motivation? It's better than no internal motivation. And quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of all the external motives that have pushed and pulled me everywhere throughout my life.

My internal sense of motivation needs an overhaul. And this is my journey. To examine my self-interested motives, find which are abusive to Life, which are supportive, stable, practical; and within this examination, I must rebuild my internal motivation so that it aligns with what is best for all.

This latter part has been my hang up because of the resistance code. I've coded myself to react to giant undertakings such would be rebuilding my motivation structure. The typical reaction is to become overwhelmed. I have used this excuse to do nothing countless times.

Boom. Key point found. If I am going to be stable within my work ethic, I can no longer be self-dishonest. I can no longer allow internal excuses and fluctuation external environments to determine my work ethic. It's time to take back control of me. Join me tomorrow for some practical self-forgiveness and corrective application.



Day 231 - Putting in 100% Effort

...Or "120%!" like some guys say, but I just don't really think that's possible, mathematically, but the point that is trying to come across here is when you are seriously doing hard work, you need to work seriously hard. Through my "mathematical judgement" I was missing my true and initial reaction to "120%," that I didn't want to work hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard because I believe that I can always find an easier way, a short cut, some hidden edge that no one had yet found, to leverage my work so that I could perform at less than 100% and still yield 100%.

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Why have I operated this way for so long? It's as if this mentality had been inherited through generations, simply because I have no idea where I had grown this affinity to maximizing my output, SO I could work less. Any excuse to work less and still be successful. Very interesting programmed mentality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a mentality of trying to make my work efforts amplified through finding an edge that others do not have, instead of working hard while also finding that edge to be able to reach that "120%." Now, it makes sense.

I had been missing how I was accounting for the edge. the little extra boost to production that happens by taking those extra, above and beyond, steps. Those extra steps are part of my 100% that leads to the "120%." My walk through life thus far has been on trying to do 80% and make it look like 100% through whatever clever method I could conjure.

Interesting! I have been hiding my true work ethic from others, when I could get away with it. This had transformed into hiding from myself that I wasn't even putting in 40% yet thinking that I was already at 100%, or at least 80%. So I snowballed the wrong way in terms of production and work ethic in life in general.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what others see within me and my productivity output because in doing so, I am NOT being self-honest with myself and my ability to to perform.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decline in productivity/motivation and trick myself into thinking that I am passively existing at the 100% level of work effort.

My frame of reference for doing work and working hard has been out of wack for a long time. "Perception is reality," one of the phrases I heard at my new job today. It's very true from the perspective that we only see through and with our current perspective. It's not true from the perspective that our perception is limited and reality is all of what is here, everything. So, this game of life, this program that is laid out before you, whatever it may be, it's up to you to decide to walk it and what your pace is. That decision process is not easy with a limited perspective. Bottom line: keeping an open mind will expand your perception in ways you have never imagined. Try it out!