Day 457 - Training for Physical Reality

In my last post, I spoken into a belief that "posting once a day would be too much, or too difficult for me." While I have my reasons and justifications for this, I also see the reality that I could be posting nearly everyday. So, with both perspectives in mind, I decided to make the leap and commit to writing every day last month. What I found by challenging myself, and failing = worth the effort!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trying something because I fear failure. When and as I see myself shying away from something within a mindset of fearing to fail, I stop, I breathe. I realize that nothing gets done when I stagnate with fear of failure, manifesting a failed opportunity of a life I could have lived. I commit myself to facing my fear of failure, embracing the lessons of failure, and carrying on with Self creation in the absence of fear (creation).

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Note: if I really had to or wanted to, I could stop my post here, and call it a day. Just one example-reason that I really have no valid excuse to not post on the daily.

Every reason for why I don't write every day, is linked to escapism. Writing and posting these 7-year-journey-to-life blogs is an effort of facing myself. Facing all the resistances and fears that come up along the way. Sometimes, I really don't want to look at myself, and so I layer the excuses to be "ok" with it. Observing myself in this pattern this for so long now, I've really gotten ample chance to see how silly it is.

Why is it so silly?

If I try to separate myself from the awareness of what is, then I enter a timeloop of specific unawareness, only to come back to awareness eventually. This retards one's growth in self-awareness, and who wants that?

I, as the mind consciousness system, do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to orient to the mind and believe that my dealings in energy are more significant or important that my physical reality. When and as I see myself racing for an energy fix, I stop, I breathe. I realize that there is only one me, and that if I have conflicting priorities, I need to slow down, reconcile who I am and which reality I want to validate and honor. I commit myself to remember to check-in with my starting point awareness, and carefully examine the evolution of my perspective through time; so that I may reverse engineer it, understand who I am within it, and continue building an increasingly consistent and stable character.

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I commit myself to honor and respect the physical laws of the universe.

I commit myself to embrace failure as a vital means of self-growth.

I commit myself to slow down to the pace of my breath, my body and my fingers (for typing), so that I may accomplish more substantial self-creation in the physical world.

I commit myself to ultimately be the director of my mind, instead of following energetic impulses that are inconsiderate of the physical world.

I commit myself to press on and recreate myself everyday! Cheers to a life worth living!

Day 451 - What takes FORM?

I wore myself out running around the beach. I came home to eat and write before bed, but I was really tired after leftover pizza.

I set the alarm to sleep from 9:54pm to 10...snooze for 10, snooze for 10 more.

I move from the couch to my bed, thinking I can fool myself into one final, brief rest before writing, but no alarm this time. That was really a decision. I vaguely decided I'll make it up to myself by posting twice the next day, or whatever.

Why is this decision so shrouded and unclear? Let's unpack it!

This kind of non-decision, an abdication of responsibility. I was physically tired, but that wasn't even a consideration at the time because I was too focused on the negative self-critic, like "I'm a failure," and/or 'scheming' to try and justify going the 'easy way'.

While resting, in the background of my mind, I'm doing this whole process and giving myself 'the run around' internally, covering up the self-judgement and justifications, trying to make everything seem ok... until I pass out. It's like distracting myself from facing myself until I ab-use my body's need for sleep as 'an out' from having to face what's really going on in me, in stillness.

As a result of the internal mess, no post is made, no-thing takes form.

So, to the point, the big realization:

Clear Decision-Making

is a key to creation.

By asking ourselves the most relevant questions, we can take aim for creation with more specificity. Each question answered sheds light on how best to proceed, but without Self-Honesty, we'll just opt for delusion when faced with getting nitty-gritty of who I am, have become and choose to be.

I didn't make a self-honest decision to skip a day of blogging. I wasn't slowed down, in my body, and considering within awareness, a practical compromise or solution for my predicament. I was running around in my mind, justifying layers of excuses and reasons until I exhaust myself into a consciousless slumber.

A clear decision to rest the body can be a beautiful gift.

I commit myself to becoming more deliberate with my body, my movements, my decisions, my bedtime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the truth of my decisions and actions within a mental whirlwind of justification and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistreat my body by more considering my own ego's priority system, rather than that of my physical formation.

I commit myself to form deliberately, carefully.

I commit myself to exposing all half-measures and BS justifications within my operating system.

I commit myself to getting really clear, on what takes form in my life.

Day 390 - Responsible Self Creation

A fascinating point opened up for me this week. In short, I've been walking process in separation of it. What does this mean? I've defined this Journey to Life / Desteni I Process as a thing that sits on the shelf, and so when I was walking down the aisle and saw it, I threw it in my shopping cart. Desteni became for me just another 'thing' that I could have a relationship with and so define myself by it. When you investigate the process that Desteni outlines, you will find that it is impossible to passively consume the information and call yourself a Destonian. It is very much a participatory process.

Now, on one hand, I could say that seeing, realizing and understanding this point was also just part of the process, and that would be true; however, on the other hand, this point is essential to walk my process effectively. So let's just say that it is a critical stepping stone. Let me elaborate a bit more.

The corrective application for this point is what is so fascinating about it. It is as follows: Self is referenced first, then the external is referenced. I know, right? Awesome. Before, when I was walking process in separation of it, what I was doing missing Self in the equation of living. Don't get me wrong: I had an ego/self-concept that was constantly considered, judged, protected, etc. But Self, here, was in the background while my consciousness called all the shots. So, now I'm practicing including Self in the equation, and one specific experience of how I do so is best described as a shift forward within myself.

Example: Slouched over, at my desk, reading this blog post. I notice myself. I ask, "where am I [within my body]?" I sit up straight. I take a breath. And then it's like I, within myself, move closer to my eyes. My peripheral vision is slightly more in awareness as is my body. From here, I can consider my reality more expansively than a moment ago. And this is just the beginning of responsible self creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is hard to be here, aware of myself within physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire escaping into my mind to avoid my responsibilities and furthermore hide what I am doing from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy, automated way of transcending the mind, which is also accurately phrased as 'escaping the mind', wherein I now realize that this misconceptualization only feeds the mind and that I (Self) actually have to participate in process if this is going to get done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put forth the necessary effort to push through the resistances and fears that have long held me within my base set of personalities, and so perceptions, thus vastly limiting my potential to the point where it makes me sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the realization of who and how I have been living as, with an unease of self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within self-judgment, instead of moving forward in the realization that I now see the point, and I now commit myself to taking full responsibility for the point, and I commit to changing myself through living the corrective application.

When and as I see myself slumped over with my beingness shifted into the background, and/or I am reactive to my environment, not really considering everything INCLUDING SELF, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am here. I see where I am at within my daily responsibilities. I write. I create a game plan. I move myself.

This is my chance to responsibility create myself and reach my highest potential.

This is your chance too.

Just gotta walk the process ;)

Day 385 - Weak or Strong: Stopping Polarized Reactions

wikipedia

Writing out current relationship:

• To be seen as weak is like admitting failure. The most significant source of emotion comes from looking at myself through how others will see/judge me. Of course, this is not real, because it’s an internal, mental process of my own.
• Behind this is a fear that my projected, possible self-judgments will manifest in my world through other’s expressions. To protect myself from this fear, I utilize denial, blame, diverting attention, and physically avoiding the situation.
• I want to be in a position of strength. Why? This is safe from the fear of others negatively judging me as weak. This is also a power, an ability to accomplish my goals.
• Any signs of weakness reveal that I am not strong. Weakness becomes a hot button, setting myself into reaction.

Observation of above points:

            This is an EGO point. My ego is put into motion within fear energy and competition, being better than others. There is a desire to be more than others, and the fear of being less than others is even stronger. Why? The self-defining nature of weakness is perceived to penetrate through time, affecting who I believe myself to be, which means it will affect how I act “for the rest of my life,” which is in conflict with my vision for myself, my Religion of Self.

Goal:

            Letting go of this reactive programming that’s been limiting my expansion of myself from weak to strong in a specific dimension of self. To stop hiding my weaknesses from myself in various ways (i.e. blame, excuses, justifications, denial, distraction), so that I may accept myself as weak, and allow myself the opportunity to then strengthen myself within this dimension that I am self-honestly weak in.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being perceived as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with defending myself as ego when another points out that I am weak in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny within myself when I see that I am weak in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong without considering the process of moving from weakness into strength.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the moments where I become aware of a weakness when another points it out to me, to commence a self-honest investigation of this weakness and how I can turn it into a strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through the perceptions of others of me, so that when another sees me as weak, I must defend myself and deny this perception to maintain my positive definition/perception of myself.

Corrective Application Statements:

When and as I am being referred to as being weak in some way or another, I stop I breathe. I realize there is a potential gift here, wherein I can realize an area of myself that I can improve. I commit myself to stop reacting to implied weakness within who I am or who I believe myself to be. Within this commitment, I also commit to apply self-forgiveness when I miss a breath and go into an unsupportive reaction when someone perceives weakness within me in one way or another.

When and as I see myself defending my self-concept / ego, I stop I breathe. I realize that by internalizing the perceived weakness in self through taking it personally, I am sabotaging an opportunity for self-growth. I commit myself to stop the systemized perceiving of weakness within self that calls for a defensive reaction.

I see, realize and understand that this defensive reaction is a function of mind, as well as: me. I commit myself to taking full responsibility for my reaction to defend my ego. Despite how it feels automated, I commit myself to fully let go of the relationship to my own mind where I am a victim of it. This is separation. The integrated honesty here is that I allow my mind’s reactions because there was a time in my past where I automated this specific reaction because it served my self-interest. I no longer need this program to protect the idea of myself because I now realize that who I really am is not the ego/self-image. I am life, manifested. I am my physical body.

And so, I commit myself to utilizing my physical body to serve as an indicator for when I am in reaction within my own perception of an attack on my self-image, as strength. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am ‘strength’ and that I must preserve this self-definition by denying and not accepting the notion that I am weak in one way or another.

When and as I see my body become elevated in discussion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have initiated a mental program, I am reacting with a particular energy/emotion, and that I did not choose to behave this way in a single moment of self-awareness within and as the breath of myself as my body. I commit myself to, within a breath, assess who I have become, align the correction and live it as I exhale.

And this is how I transmute weakness into strength.

Day 372 - Expanding on My Automated Lifestyle

Going with the theme of my last two posts:
Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

I'm noticing more and more ways that I have subscribed to lifestyles that I don't necessarily want to have anymore. The nail biting opened this point up, where I became aware of myself biting my thumb nail, I stopped and I saw myself choose to continue biting while I distracted myself in a mental analysis of this act, and finally saw the consequential outflow of that choice being automatically repeated on a subconscious level. The general concept here being that the choices we make are stored and executed in future scenarios when applicable.

What's wrong with this? Oh, I'll tell you whats wrong with it! Mainly, it's the perpetuation of the past. The choices I made minutes to years ago may not necessarily be the same choice that I would make in the present moment. New information comes to light. It would be commonsense to adapt one's perspective to meet the most currant criteria, right? And I'm sure that some people are really good at doing this.

But what happens when...oh let's say you come across this online community going by the name of Desteni, and they proclaim that all is one and equal, which practically boils down to doing what is best for all. This destiny shattering perspective implies that one must now shift the starting point of the creation of one's automated lifestyle choices from self-interest to best-for-all-interest. I've been trying to just stop biting my nails for about 6 years.

The obvious point here is that this kind of self-transformation will take a long time. Rumor has it that if I take this process seriously, and everyday, every moment, every breath I apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and corrective application; in 7 years time I will have disintegrated enough of my consciousness programming to see as life. We're all just organic robots with this elaborate mind consciousness system telling us what to thinks, see, hear, and do. Life awareness is tremendously suppressed.

I imagine this life awareness embodied living to be much like freedom from automated lifestyles. There is only a breath and a commonsense action. Not even thinking is required, as the best for all answer is already here as self's instantaneous expression. Aware of every breath. The physical reality is the only reality that  is valid. Supporting other organic robots will be no different than how I supported myself throughout this long journey to life.

But here, it is important to note that creating a future projection of what it might be like to have finished my individual process is not something to get attached to, as that would perpetuate my current perspective. I see it, I let it go. I commit myself to live here in breath.

And now for the dreaded list of programs that I have running my life today. Also important to note here that a negative judgement and taking these habits personally will only prolong my process of realizing and applying the solution. I must stand as the problem and the solution simultaneously if I am to take responsibility for my past and intentionally create the best for all solution that I can practically apply in my daily living.

• Sleeping in, or napping from a mental tiredness - induced when facing resistance; rather than physically induced tiredness.
• Eating for pleasure (i.e. sweets) and eating as a way to delay facing resistance.
• Shopping to get a good deal - allowing those who study the psychology of consumerism manipulate me into buying things I don't really need or even want, oddly enough.
• Watching mini-marathons of TV episodes - allowing the hook at the end to pull me in to another hour that I wasn't really planning to kill.
• Exercise, doing it to achieve a value in appearance/ego, rather than simply keeping my physical body in healthy, self-supportive condition.
• Working for an ego desire to be seen positively by others, rather than working to create a systems that support what is best for all on all levels: personal, interpersonal, & universal.

There are most certainly more programs that I must face. This is just to give an idea of what I am still accepting and allowing at Day 372.

The only choice that remains: Am I going to be self-honest, see the bigger picture and take responsibility to manifest my fullest potential, or am I just going to go with the flow and allow my past to create my future?

...Perhaps realizing your fullest potential isn't going to happen automatically.
lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 336 - Sleeping Awake

When I'm resisting a particular task or set of tasks, and I do not direct myself to work effectively, one of my mind's favorite ways to deal with this situation is to send a signal of tiredness. If I follow this pull to the bed, then I end up losing a lot of time. I certainly could have pulled myself together and finished at least one of the responsibilities, but I went for the feel good instead.

Lots to open up here. I can look at the relationships toward specific tasks / responsibilities. I can look at past moments where I've initiated tiredness. I can look at the practical process of 'pulling myself together'. With understanding there is a temporal process required to physically change the patterns that constitute oneself, I commit myself to finding any way I can make a small change in alignment with the goal of becoming the directive principle of my resting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "oh, let me just rest my eyes for a moment."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and hide the risk of falling asleep when I given into a tiredness moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am able to remain in control of my mind when I give in to tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are practical physical support steps I can take to snap out of a tired state of mind, such as a cold face wash or a bit of water in the eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to direct myself out of the tiredness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this tiredness emotion that washes over me is a product of the mind and only as powerful as I allow it to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a victim relationship to the tiredness energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the tiredness energy, stand one and equal with it, and direct myself within a breath stability.

When and as I see myself nodding off while facing a set of tasks, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am going into a familiar reaction of avoidance through tiredness. I commit myself to flag this point, to take a breath, and really consider all of what is going on in this moment. Where am I going? How can I move myself into a directive awareness to stop this energy possession?

When and as I see myself "resting my eyes," I breathe and commit myself to an actual agreement of how much longer I will rest my eyes. I realize that there alternative solutions to warding off tiredness besides just sleeping it off. I commit myself to discovering these methods and baby steps toward stabilizing myself as a directive force.

When and as I see myself as inferior to my tiredness, I stop I breathe. I realize that I created this feeling. I commit myself to standing one and equal with my feeling tired, and directing it/me as the totality of myself in alignment with what is best for all. Get it done!

A key point within post is "taking baby steps." I'm now becoming increasingly aware of how I will not change if I do not change, but to Change can very easily seem like "too much." Then I get overwhelmed and resort to something like avoidance through tiredness. I am not finished with my relationship to sleep, but today was a step. Process happens one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Change through tiny steps if necessary. To look back on my life and realize all the moments I could have changed but didn't, it's going to be displeasing. Solution = figure out how to take one step at a time.

Thank you.

pic credit

Day 314 - Taking Breath for Granted (LSC)

(LSC) = Living Self-Commitments

Continuing from:
Day 312 - Taking Breaths for Granted
Day 313 - Taking Breath for Granted (SF)

For additional support and perspective, I use this wiki page to understand what it is to just breathe.

I commit myself to assist and support myself in realizing myself as my breath.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself excuse and validate my self-dishonesty; to no longer deliberately maintain separation of my breath. I am here with it.

I commit myself to realizing that I am inevitably here with every breath, and through this realization, observe and investigate my state of separation.

I commit myself to keep breathing.

I commit myself to breathe then direct myself.

I commit myself to continue breathing.

I commit myself to breathe and be aware of myself.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when and as I see myself in separation of my breath.

I commit myself to breathe when I am participating in any action, or moment of decision.

I commit myself to actively participate with my breath as soon as I wake up.

I commit myself to breathe throughout the day and reflect on these moments to understand where and when I take breaths to give context and clarity to the moments that I am not yet breathing.

I commit myself to prioritizing my breathing application, and within that

I commit myself to effectively applying myself within my daily responsibilities. When and as I see that I'm not, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can halt an energetic possession and breathe into stability to apply myself effectively within the principle of What's Best For All.

I commit myself to continue breathing and being with my breath, until I breathe no more.

Day 246 - Self-Awareness: Gift of Life

"And the most important point within this process is our awareness." - Sunette

The above quote is from a recent HJTL post Self Change through Self Movement: DAY 332, and it was a really cool point of support for the moments when the "I am useless" thought comes up. I encourage the curious to check this one out.

My actual living process has been... under-realized, in a way that I have a more clear sense of direction while I am writing, but when I get back to "normal life/living" the old habits and patterns start to emerge. And in this I realize that the writing process can only take me so far. The self-discovery tool of writing with that intent, is an outstanding method of self support. I gain clarity whenever I write in this proactively self reflective way.

Artwork by Carrie Tooley

What I think I have been missing is the part where the real work comes in. Because I can flow within writing. Sometimes more easily than others, but moving my realizations into practical living application...it's a whole different dimension of process. It takes an acute and persistent effort to change self.

And as I've walked through some various layers of resistance to this self-uncovering process, I haven't yet walked through much of the resistance that comes up in moment of actually living the moment of self-change. I have less experience in that regard. My whole life has been more go with the flow and maximize personal benefit from what I already have. Hard work is unfamiliar because I've not had to work hard to get by within my pre-existing flow of life circumstance. Now that I find myself over 245 days into a 7 year Journey to Life, I am facing every obstacle that I have ever suppressed.

What is now coming up is fear, inadequacy and various forms of holding myself back from acting to give myself Life. "I can't do it" is like a nagging backchat that is just there even if I don't want to believe it, so I fight it. "Oh yes I Can!" and sometime this works and sometimes the inferiority complex wins the internal battle. This is not stability. This is not an expression of who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget who I am within a moment of breath as the awareness of self, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go off into my mind with a false sense of confidence that I know whatssup because I am writing daily about how I see myself within mental patterns, and not yet realizing what it takes to bring written realization through into physical living. It takes commitment.

Real living commitments. A living agreement with self.

I commit myself to living self-change.

When and as I see my self-defeatist characters come up, I stop I breathe. Realizing that I have entered a mental space in separation of myself as life, here with my breath, I commit myself to bringing myself back to the moment of my in-breath, check how I am living, breathe out, and live in alignment with the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop wavering in and out of desire and fear, creating a tornado of uncertainty experience that fuels my inferiority, ineptness. Here, I commit myself to stop the accumulation this internal experience before it gets to the point that I am living that out, instead of the self-awareness that is here in every breath.

To not get overwhelmed. To not unwind into uselessness and delay. I stand.

I commit to stand. I commit myself to not beat myself up with a spiraling, self-inept belief. I commit myself to getting up and remaining steady within my self-investigation AND living self-correction.

Yea!

Day 214 - Self-movement: Continued Expansion

Every little movement taken into consideration. It was quite obvious when this wasn't happening, like some half zoned-out state where much less detail is taken and and I am simultaneously experiencing an energy/thought. As I sit down to write this post, I am really worn/tired from the long day on the hill. I find it interesting that this energy  fluctuation is how I've validating the resistance. I actually experience this strong desire to not have to write and face myself at this moment. I am tired, but I really just don't want to take the time and effort (interestingly enough) to push out another post. "Daily!? Seriously? This is what I committed to??" :)

What is interesting about the time & effort dynamic relationship toward this self-writing? Precisely that. That it is a dynamic relationship and requires a certain level of energy to get through it...which now leads me to believe that my energy infused writing is not of comprehensive detail.. fascinating connection. I'll explain.

While I was snowboarding, I had become much more aware of my movement and even my breathing, having  given myself the context from yesterday's post.What I noticed was how the quick movement through the bumps of snow and how I had to adjust my weight and move to adapt, it was a lot of fun. So in a similar regard to how I find parkour to be fun, it wasn't something that I could done while zoned out, off in my head space somewhere. Except there were times when my mind took a larger dominion than my physical, space-time awareness.

This happened when there was a straightaway, and when going off a rather large jump. With the straightaway, I caught me in my mind when I put my hands up like I was flying. I questioned the movement and realized it as a display for others, noting the moment as a departure from the physical. I scan/see that minimal adaptive effort is required and then I could release from the physical awareness effort and just bomb that section of the hill. With the large jump: fear.

Fear stepped in as doubt, uncertainty, hesitation. It was a relatively unfamiliar experience of flight. The take off is this experience of increasing extra gravity, and then before I know it, I'm wrestling for balance in mid air. Thankfully, I only fell hard once, and my butt absorbed most of the shock.

So there are a lot of cool parallel insights here: When and why I leave physical awareness (i.e. I think I know it enough detail to be able to check out/automate my physical). How it is that I stay within energy (i.e. internal resistance struggle).

Ok, I'll continue tomorrow...after this one:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride within energy fluctuation to get things done, not realizing that the flip-side is an experience of not having enough energy to get things done. When and as I see myself procrastinating within a starting point of internal resistance from not having enough energy to to something. I stop I breathe. I realize this is a consequence of my habitual participation within using positive energy experience to become motivated. I commit myself realizing what the resistance energy is composed of/from.

See you tomorrow.

photo credit

Day 213 - Self-movement: Perspective

Today, I kept thinking about this perspective for some reason. It's the perspective of the detailed effort involved in a physical movement or set of movements to get a task done. This is hard to describe inside of myself, so I'ma write it out!

This perspective that I am going to do my best to describe it seemingly common sense movement. Great example: Walking across the street. What does it take to do that? FIRST, it's a turning of the head in both directions to check for cars. Then, there is a step, followed by another step, etc, but even before that there is a neck movement to place one's head slightly off balance in the direction we want to walk.

One of my real life examples from today: I waxed my snowboard for the first time, so maybe that was another reason why my movement-perception wasn't so automated. From one perspective it takes a lot of work, almost an overwhelming amount of work (thus the $8 alternative of paying someone else to do it). This overwhelming perspective happens before any time is spent. When one is willing to dedicate the time, the series of steps naturally unfolds when the tools and the know-how are available. Heat the iron, drip the wax, spread the wax with the iron, scrape off the excess, clean up the excess, turn off the iron. Even this quick description I didn't immediately think about having to toss the excess wax in the trash. Heck, we could have swept the floor if we wanted to be thorough.

The point of sharing this perspective is to unfold the decision process and bring a little awareness to the physical. I notice that I make quite a few decisions based on the perception of all the effort required to complete a set of physical movements for a given task. This "effort" is a loaded term. Effort is relative. How I relate to work determines effort perception. The relationship indicates a separation, and I think with today, for some reason, I was more tuned into what is required to complete physical tasks in a simplistic perspective that was intriguing. Just doing what has to be done.

The inverse perspective (instead of this perspective), is that the movement is automated. Decision to cross the street does not normally consider ALL of the physical movements/effort because there is a relationship toward these movements. Tilting the head forward is easy. Placing one foot in front of the other by bending the knee in conjunction with a minimal effort abdominal contraction is easy. The only real consideration that happens is how many of steps it will take.If the road is 7 miles wide (i know, crazy) then we may choose not to cross the road depending on the reward vs effort of walking that far.

Yes, this is a broad perspective, but I was intrigued with insight. It's not a new perspective, but I've never written about it before. It's a perspective I am drawn to and the primary reason I like to study parkour, free running, and everything related to balance. I really like trying to understand and gain mastery over the physical movement through space time...I think I like it because there is so much room to learn, grow expand my body vocabulary. The newness of learning how to balance on a unicycle is some kind of physical intimacy.

free use flickr image

Again, the inverse perspective would be that I already know how to...make a sandwich, or say with yoga, when I already know a posture or a movement, it is automated. I make a decision, and my mind just put my body there automatically, and I have room to think about something else. Ah, here lies the crux of it all. Long distance running, another example, on a treadmill even. The know-how of each physical body movement is squared away in the mind, and it leaves the space for us to zone out and think other thoughts and daydream. With parkour, there is more of a continual challenge and adaptation to the environment that keeps me more present with the physical reality. The main flag point of mind participation within parkour is when ego and pride step in, especially when others are saying "ohhhh, so cool, great job!" And that's how people get hurt: trying to uphold a reputation of being good or great instead of practically considering the physical limitations.

Ok, join me for some self-forgiveness tomorrow. There's a lot to this perceptual shift, and I want to see how deep I can go in releasing my physical movement programs. Also, I will report on what I notice in relation to daydreaming (separation from the physical) that occurs while I'm boarding down the mountain.

Day 172 - Glazing Over

This is a continuation from yesterday (Day 171 - Zoned Out Episodes) where I am continuing to open up this aspect of myself that seems impossible to overcome.

A friend told me today that she heard from someone who recently learned from a higher-up yogi that we should not judge ourselves for spacing out because sometimes we need it to recharge. I thought is was kind of cool because I didn't think of it as recharge. Yesterday, I was framing this phenomena as primarily a negative distraction and didn't consider it as a mental recharge. This could explain why I'm finding it so easy to drift off: Mentally, I crave it.

While I was free writing about some more Zone-Out dimensions earlier and have gained a little more insight into the extent of this mental behavior:

• It's easy in, and easy to stay in - I follow the thought, into another thought, into another...
• ends with glorified conclusion - insight, realization, connection
• Intriguing thought-train
• There is a feeling of comfort & safety associated
• I allow/excuse/justify drifting off when experiencing resistance to writing/work
• It happens while listening to others
• relating to pre-existing knowledge and/or formulating a response
• Loss of awareness of posture / all of physicality

So, bottom line: I do not support the mind as me to exist in separation any longer. When and as I see myself "recharging" my mind, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to breathe myself back into awareness of me within the physical reality that's stable and remain here always.

I commit myself to working through all the layers related to zoning out, where I let myself go free into mind without any real consideration/care for the world around me. I understand this will take some time, but without starting, I will get nowhere.

Prepare your minds for tomorrow's boatload of self-forgiveness, as I proactively remove some of these conditioned layers/relationships toward allowing my mind to freely take dominion over my awareness.

Thank you for reading.

I stopped eating donuts but thought this to be an appropriate image for today :) 

photo credit

Day 147 - Becoming Self-Honest

Q: What does this look like?

A: Every thought is considered.

When existing within the energy of a thought, it's like you just go with it, not taking a moment to breathe and see the thought in the entirety of its creation. We don't typically understand how the thought came up. We don't even like to take responsibility for them, often blaming the external reality as the cause of the thought.

We tend to miss the point of self in relation to the thought, and just go with the thought as if it is us, or we own it. Yes. We take ownership of our thoughts and conceptualize self in separation from what we think. This can look like judgment, fear, love, etc.

The point is, if we don't consider every thought, how can we be trusted as equal creators of the external reality. Our internals are so messed up with layers upon layers of self-deception within fear that we hide from thy neighbors. We are co-creators, one with all. Self-responsibility is essential.

Q: How does self-honesty come about?

A: Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider each thought as equal and one with myself as the creator, and to have instead simply allowed myself to exist within the feeling or emotion that was associated with the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to selectively focus on the thoughts that produced the most positive feelings and within this miss where I am in relation to the thoughts while I ride the positive feeling for as long as I can through selective thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in a negative thought-train whilst completely forgetting about my breath, not realizing that I've left reality to indulge in fear-based what ifs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get deeper and more specific, focusing most of my attention thus far on the general aspects of thought design.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the negative emotion of self-judgment for not being effective within my corrective writing because I have shied away from thorough and specific, self-honest investigation of one particular thought design at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect failure to not seeing quick results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving slowly, not realizing why I desire to move quickly through this process of self-correction and alignment with best-for-all interest.

I see here that I've opened several points that can be taken much deeper to reach a thoroughness that I have not yet before pushed myself to do. The list:
- desire to move quickly through process
- fear of failure
- self-judgment
- lacking specificity and depth
- fear of future within what-if thought-trains
- selective thinking / thought suppression
- riding in the emotion/feeling --> not considering origin of thought

In self-honesty, I commit myself to the process of real-time assessment of:
- Why a particular thought comes up?
- Why did I allow myself to participate in the experience of the thought?
- What connections can I make to this thinking pattern?

In self-honesty, the answers to these questions should come easily. To promote self-honesty within and as me, I have to take the answers and follow through with them. Once I locate the pattern and it's components, I commit myself to writing and moving through self-forgiveness. As the layers open up, I continue, I persist.

I commit myself to showing all that I am self-responsible within my application of self-purification for self and all in creating best for all play-outs and correcting self-interested acts/speech that is dependent on energy in polarity where the other must lose so I can win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not see, realize and understand that best for all, as a way of life, is also self-interest. I realize that spite, and ego rewarding acts/speech is the self-interest that must come to an end within becoming self-honest. I commit myself to realizing how I am one with my thoughts, one with my neighbors, family and strangers, one with all life here on earth, etc. Until it is done. Until I can be proud of this existence as a whole. Until then, no bullshit. I will be watching my participation, until it is in alignment with oneness and equality. Then I participate strictly within the physical as breath, as utter self-honesty, where all thoughts are related to physical reality. Until I am directing self and thought as self here.

Still confused about Self-Honesty? There are some intensely supportive people on the forums. If you want to assist yourself with guided structure, I highly recommend this FREE course.

See you here.