Day 385 - Weak or Strong: Stopping Polarized Reactions

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Writing out current relationship:

• To be seen as weak is like admitting failure. The most significant source of emotion comes from looking at myself through how others will see/judge me. Of course, this is not real, because it’s an internal, mental process of my own.
• Behind this is a fear that my projected, possible self-judgments will manifest in my world through other’s expressions. To protect myself from this fear, I utilize denial, blame, diverting attention, and physically avoiding the situation.
• I want to be in a position of strength. Why? This is safe from the fear of others negatively judging me as weak. This is also a power, an ability to accomplish my goals.
• Any signs of weakness reveal that I am not strong. Weakness becomes a hot button, setting myself into reaction.

Observation of above points:

            This is an EGO point. My ego is put into motion within fear energy and competition, being better than others. There is a desire to be more than others, and the fear of being less than others is even stronger. Why? The self-defining nature of weakness is perceived to penetrate through time, affecting who I believe myself to be, which means it will affect how I act “for the rest of my life,” which is in conflict with my vision for myself, my Religion of Self.

Goal:

            Letting go of this reactive programming that’s been limiting my expansion of myself from weak to strong in a specific dimension of self. To stop hiding my weaknesses from myself in various ways (i.e. blame, excuses, justifications, denial, distraction), so that I may accept myself as weak, and allow myself the opportunity to then strengthen myself within this dimension that I am self-honestly weak in.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being perceived as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with defending myself as ego when another points out that I am weak in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny within myself when I see that I am weak in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong without considering the process of moving from weakness into strength.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the moments where I become aware of a weakness when another points it out to me, to commence a self-honest investigation of this weakness and how I can turn it into a strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through the perceptions of others of me, so that when another sees me as weak, I must defend myself and deny this perception to maintain my positive definition/perception of myself.

Corrective Application Statements:

When and as I am being referred to as being weak in some way or another, I stop I breathe. I realize there is a potential gift here, wherein I can realize an area of myself that I can improve. I commit myself to stop reacting to implied weakness within who I am or who I believe myself to be. Within this commitment, I also commit to apply self-forgiveness when I miss a breath and go into an unsupportive reaction when someone perceives weakness within me in one way or another.

When and as I see myself defending my self-concept / ego, I stop I breathe. I realize that by internalizing the perceived weakness in self through taking it personally, I am sabotaging an opportunity for self-growth. I commit myself to stop the systemized perceiving of weakness within self that calls for a defensive reaction.

I see, realize and understand that this defensive reaction is a function of mind, as well as: me. I commit myself to taking full responsibility for my reaction to defend my ego. Despite how it feels automated, I commit myself to fully let go of the relationship to my own mind where I am a victim of it. This is separation. The integrated honesty here is that I allow my mind’s reactions because there was a time in my past where I automated this specific reaction because it served my self-interest. I no longer need this program to protect the idea of myself because I now realize that who I really am is not the ego/self-image. I am life, manifested. I am my physical body.

And so, I commit myself to utilizing my physical body to serve as an indicator for when I am in reaction within my own perception of an attack on my self-image, as strength. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am ‘strength’ and that I must preserve this self-definition by denying and not accepting the notion that I am weak in one way or another.

When and as I see my body become elevated in discussion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have initiated a mental program, I am reacting with a particular energy/emotion, and that I did not choose to behave this way in a single moment of self-awareness within and as the breath of myself as my body. I commit myself to, within a breath, assess who I have become, align the correction and live it as I exhale.

And this is how I transmute weakness into strength.

Day 380 - Careful Self-Branding and Personality Portrayal

Yesterday, I blogged about my starting point within blogging. Many times in the past, I have found myself writing to please you, the reader, instead of using this space appropriately for my individual process of self-supportive writing and investigation. The 'sharing it publicly' factor should only weigh in afterwards in the form of editing typos and clarifying what doesn't even makes sense to me.

The possibility of your negative judgment of my writing was the main backchat within my initial resistance toward starting this blog. Why? Because I wanted to make sure that when I started publicly expressing myself and producing content, that I did so in a strategic way to gain approval and influence on the interweb. I was so worried about carefully shaping my content, that I resisted and delayed producing anything. Even still I struggle with pushing myself to publish video logs because I am still justifying this point of needing to make a certain impression, especially because the video medium allows for higher visibility, transparency and is easier to consume.

I also experienced a high level of frustration yesterday when I had not successfully saved my new self summary on my LinkedIn profile. I had written it with extraneous care, considering how every sentence fragment could shape how readers perceive me. Funny enough, I was writing it simultaneously as I was working on yesterday's post, so the point eventually became obvious how I was writing within ego; however, I continued justifying that I need to carefully and consciously shape how others saw me, especially in the harsh world of business professionals. So, when I lost my self summary and had to rewrite it again, I was constantly reminded of how great I thought it sounded, how perfect it was, how I can never get it back exactly as it was. I recognized my intense reactive state and I wrote about it in my computer journal. I had let the point go for the night, and came back at it with a fresh brain today. I wrote it this time with a more carefree, 'give it my best' attitude, remembering that I can always change it again.

It is now time to walk the self-forgiveness on this point more thoroughly within the dimension of being paranoid about others are judging my online presence. In upcoming blog posts, I'll get more into the paranoia surrounding my perception of how others judge my offline presence, which is a biggie.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to firstly consider how other people may perceive and judge my online writing, not realizing that these judgmental people are actually in my head within a subconscious layer of my mind, and thus an extension of myself. Therefore, I am only really judging myself when I limit my expression in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to careful impression management creations as my written self summary on LinkedIn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when I lost my carefully crafted facade of myself as my written online identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach frustration to loss, not realizing the truth that I can never lose my authentic self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is imperative that I manage how others may or might perceive my character.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with the characters that I create and (attempt to) portray.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure when I do not successfully portray a specific character to invoke a specific, positive response in others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am is not a character, and that the characters I present are simply either effective or ineffective. In this, I now see realize and understand that an ineffective character only requires to be adjusted, and that failing to invoke the desired response in others is not something to be taken personally. I am not the personality that I present. Who I am is life, as an expression of what is best for all. And I commit myself to continue this journey towards unhindered self-expression within oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect success with positive responses/judgement from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach my self-definition with the character or public representation of myself in a particular situation that requires a certain personality suit.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I will make many mistakes when consciously representing myself in a particular way.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to make these mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when making mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making mistakes to my self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes in how I represent or express myself, not realizing that this fear is rooted in the belief that I am the personality that I create and live through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, not realizing that this fear is holding me back from effective, authentic self-expression.


When and as I see myself fearing that I will not effectively portray myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that the way I present myself is not directly linked to who I am, and thus, I commit myself to stop taking it personally within judgments, manifested or subconsciously projected.

When and as I see myself projecting subconscious self-judgments in the form of personalities/voices in my head, I stop I breathe. I realize that writing from a starting point of validated projected judgments severely limits my capacity to authentically express myself. I commit myself to stop the internal self-judgment backchat in the moment that I become aware of it, take a deep in-breath, hold it for a few seconds, stabilize myself back into my physical, breath out and express myself authentically in whatever situation.

When and as I see myself justifying an elaborate process of impression management while writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can always edit and make adjustments to my writing to portray myself more effectively after I've expressed myself unencumbered by voices in my head. I commit myself to first write for myself in getting my main point out, before I criticize and edit my writing.

When and as I see that I have made a mistake when presenting myself a certain way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to make edits and test out another way of presenting myself in my writing. This process can be repeated until I am satisfied. When in a real life interaction, I commit myself to accept when I make a mistake, let it go, and transition my expression back to the here-now moment and direct the interaction accordingly within common sense. I commit myself to not fear making mistakes. I commit myself to flag point whenever I see that I fear making a mistake, to further investigate the point.

When and as I see myself identifying with my mistakes, I stop, I breathe. I realize that who I am is not directly represented by the portrayal of a particular character or personality that I have created (consciously or not); though within this, I realize my responsibility for my physical participation, as actions and words, regardless of personality suit. I commit myself to remain emotionally detached from my mistakes, and instead, utilize them to make changes and improvements.

When and as I see myself reacting to positive feedback/judgement by taking it personally, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this reaction indicates an ego-oriented perspective, that charges this mind construct and substantiates both the positive and the negative within my disillusioned perception of judgment. I commit myself to breathe, be here, and express myself for the sake of self-expression and value creation in this world. Any feedback from others does not define who I am. No matter how much they assert and believe they're judgment is correct, I know confidently that who I am is determined in my starting point of my expression.

I commit myself to continue practicing self/character expression through words until there is no interference from the voices in my head. I commit myself to stop the self-judgment system. I commit myself to express freely within what is best for all.

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