Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire

Hot. The feeling of friction. When my body wants one thing and my mind wants another = resistance. The experience of diminished or faltering will. When my true will is perceived/labeled as a negative experience (i.e. homework), and my short-term, pleasure seeking will takes dominion. I now understand this to be the work of the mind within the framework of polarity. Pos/neg experiences that are only such because of a repeat allowance of my mind telling me "that's the way it is." Why/how? Well, that's what I'm figuring out: The root of all perceptual bias, based in specific past experiences. Taking this for granted, just letting the machine run = unintended consequence. Like procrastination. Without further ado:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work/homework/writing as a negative and tedious experience that is to be avoided or spent as little time with as I possibly can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a negative experience to the word 'tedious,' and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the patience to do what needs to be done according to what's best for myself and others, equally. This means 'pleasure seeking' as self-serving only, has no place other than as a life-distraction for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into seeking pleasure as a habit that is used when avoiding a negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through pleasure seeking, I am existing as a starting point of pain, so in relationship to procrastination, I hide the experience of pain associated with my work as I move toward the positive experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ever wait until the last minute to do work, and in this not seeing that I've short changed myself out of an honest expression of myself within my work. Within the negative association that placed onto work, I suffered unnecessarily through the delay of that pain, trying to make it go away without having to honestly do the work. This is the way of the cheater that takes shortcuts and lies about it to hide the layers of experience created without understanding how or why experiences feel a certain way. I understand that it's all creations of my past, just gotta find where...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to acquire the perception that work is a negative experience from parents/others, and for accepting that perception as valid, and for projecting that experience onto any and all work that wasn't immediately aligned with my self-interests.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to rush through my process and delay facing the resistances, and temporarily hiding them from myself within a positive illusion. I commit myself to patiently walking through and writing down any resistance that gets in my way. I own it, I allow it, I stop it. Simple, the design is simple, yet from the perspective of limitation, the task seems daunting. tedious, hard, impossible, not worth the effort...ya, a limited perspective indeed, clouded by numerous thoughts/feelings/emotions.

Nice artwork by  Kelly Posey

When and as I see myself moving from self-direction into delay as the seeking of positive experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that within this act of procrastination, I've wrongly accused work as such a negative experience (within assumption or future projection) that my mind actively seeks positive experience distractions that do not benefit me within my process of self-realizing all as one. I commit myself to continue facing resistance. I commit myself to stop simply allowing resistance as mind to direct my actions from day to day. I commit myself to digging deeper into resistance, like fear of failure, wasting time, etc. and to patiently persist in facing them and letting them go. I am here. I direct me. Stopping the bullshit takes more courage than I initially estimated, so this is a process of unraveling layers and building momentum within the courage to persist as self-honest.

The mind is to predictable to be fun, "been there done that" sort of thing...until you're jaded.

Join me in the pursuit of doing what's best for ALL always. You owe it to yourself ;)
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