Day 80 - The Praying Mantis Incident

9am
I found this little guy on the table in my back yard this morning. Instantly fascinated, I checked up on him all day. He was pretty stationary for hours on end. I would look at him and think about how he is just life, and about what he might be trying to teach me...like patience, stillness. The only time he moved was in response to my physical movements. Haha, his tiny little iris' inside his giant eyeballs would follow my position. He would kind of dance to my music. He was stable, and I kind of developed a relationship with him. I played with him and gave him a new surface to stand on:

5pm
Within my own mental creation, he became like a wise point of authority to me. Unwavering, here, no anxiousness to go anywhere or do anything. I asked him if he want to smoke weed with me...nope! In part, he motivated me to stay sober all day. His ability to have no drive to do anything but just be here in the physical reality was encouraging. I didn't realize how much I was in my head until a little later..

When I came home from an evening bike ride, he was gone! Aloud,  I thanked him for everything, for hanging out with me and keeping watch on me, for teaching me life lessons. I experienced a feeling of respectfulness. Quite a few moments later, my mother returned home all politically charged about Obama hiding his real identity, and I was reacting to her in disapproval for being so emotionally charged about it. Flustered by her presence, I stomped up the stairs to get a shirt on, effectively hurting the Mantis. I had left the backdoor open for my cats, and somehow the praying mantis found his way to my staircase, to teach me another lesson.

I felt terrible. I reacted heavily with discontent for having squished my friend. He was looking in critical condition with maybe a 30% survival chance. Despite his desire to stay clung to the carpet fibers, with a tool I was able to get him back to the table outside. I was concerned he wouldn't make it and half wanted to finish the job, but I just made a little bed for him outside.

10pm - post trauma
Now here I am, writing about my day of which the focal point was this creature. I learned that there is no need to be driven to be more than just simply here in the physical reality. I learned that I was in a mode of reaction when I stepped on him. I learned that I developed a relationship with an insect.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the praying mantis through the thought and desire to be more within the physical, not realizing that I already am in the physical equal and one with him as life manifested, and only the thoughts is holding me in separation of him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to formulate a relationship to this being to the extent that I felt great honor to be in his presence all day and then miserable for accidentally stepping on him. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how I've created an experiential relationship within my mind, following along the polarity of high and low. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thoughts and emotions associated with separating myself from this praying mantis.

Relationship to animals and insects to be further investigated.