The past two days, I haven't sat down to write through the point of resistance. Since re-framing how I use my handwritten journal as a complement to this JTL blog, I've amped up the feeling of seriousness to the point that I hit a wall of resistance. What charges this resistance is what must be explored if I am to effectively move forward.
- Fear of not clearly articulating a point, or not being able to completely address a whole point.
- Not being organized with what I write.
Two primary points. I'll spend a day on each. I realize that I've been trying to move too quickly through this self-investigation, deconstruction & realignment process. I mean, what's the point of trying if it amounts to nothing. From one perspective, we must try because only through practice can we reach our goals. From the perspective of self-honesty, I can see how my writings thus far, have been weighed heavily on my perception of how the reader will interpret my life. Though this lie, 'writing for self,' I have been writing for others and trying to appear as if I have been moving quickly through understanding. That which is not real, won't hold up. So, I've set myself up for failing within my writing application of self-forgiveness and corrective statements. It's frustrating how elusive the perspective of absolute self-honesty can be when I think so quickly. The quickness of thought, covers up the immediate sense of what's here. I disregard what's here with a more positive spin on reality that I allow. My mind thinks up a way to position my self-image (ego) as great/superior/knowledgeable, and I just go with that interpretation of reality instead of just using the common sense. It's not cool that I'm doing this. It's not cool that it's so easy to cover up and lose sight of the common sense reality. It seems so simple, and yet we lie to ourselves a considerable amount each day without even noticing how disastrous this act is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not realize when I am deceiving myself with positive spins on reality that suit my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can just make it all go away through the mere subscription to a self-created belief, especially if I can have others validate that belief.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others to validate my own created existence and for perpetually hiding through these built and reinforced belief systems about me and my relationships to the external physical reality.
When and as I see myself resisting to walk and write out a single point, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only effectively address one point at a time, so with patience, I let go of all the thoughts that come to mind so that I may write out and work with the first, most prominent point within writing. I commit myself to stopping the whirlwind of positive/negative spins on reality, and I commit myself to stop believing that my spin is the right interpretation of reality. I commit myself to stop creating illusions of myself wherein I attempt to escape the responsibility of actually facing a point in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate the point of self-honest responsibility within physical work for so long. TO be continued.