Day 48 - Older Brother Insecurities

     My brother was born when I was 2. Ever since then, I formed a spite complex. I recall the feeling of insecurity as I formed defensive reactions to his innocent expression. I was rather mean to him whenever I needed to protect or preserve that almighty ego of mine. Completely selfish, I would call him stupid, so I could feel smart. There is a general memory of me just being plain mean, putting him down without an ounce of compassion, just so I could feel good about myself. Reckless...stupid. Haha, I was the stupid one that whole time.

     As I looked at our high school portraits, I have one of those smirks, and he's got one of the most honest smiles. I think I was projecting my fear of myself onto him because he stood as a being of great integrity and honesty. I continued to maintain the ego version of myself through our interactions until I saw myself in action. It was like a snapping point, where I had just had enough of myself being a dick to him. So just under a year ago I was able to bring myself to tears while writing out self-forgiveness for for being an asshole to my brother my whole life. It's kind of a big deal. So in my beginning of taking responsibility for my behavior toward him, I was overwhelmed. I still have much to walk through as indicated by the unsettled feeling in me. So, even now that things have significantly improved between us, (at least on my side) I start to see how the patterned personality I created for myself in the context of my upbringing with my brother is not cleared. I still put others "in their place" so that I can feel in the superior position, as this is the picture of power I seek.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself by creating and constructing a skewed perception of myself within my mind in relationship with my brother. Being older made it easy to pick on him...I only wish I could have realized what I was doing earlier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my past through regret. I am one with all parts of my expression throughout time, and I must take responsibility for all of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to continue to run from facing the truth of myself as the accumulation of insecurity within my constructed personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build barriers to protect my ego. The abusive projection of my own insecurities is no longer accepted.

When and as I see myself move into a degrading ego attack, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I have a lot of inertia within this design and it will take patience and persistence to deconstruct this routine of ego protection. To fully walk myself out of this design and into the life that I am here, I commit myself to seeing/realizing/understanding every manifestation of my superiority complex within all of my relationships.

I commit myself to realizing how I use polarity to promote my self-conception because this isn't what life is about. I built myself up by putting him down, and all of this was in relationship to my mind...my selfish ego.

I commit myself to continually exposing and humiliating myself until I stand as an equal.

Thank you for everything brother.



Day 47 - Truth Trumps Money

     I just saw the movie The Campaign (2012), and overall, it's a funny stab at American politics. The core message is how our government is run by big money, and that it takes real guts to stand up for what you believe in & speak the truth. I enjoyed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I can take responsibility for the current world system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I must take responsibility for the current world system.

 ...I'm starting to realize just how much there is to do, as I begin to take responsibility for everything.

pic credit
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unwittingly allow our governance to become so intertwined with money and have that diminish the ideal of our true democratic voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the perception that the government is too big for me to have any effect of change within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as voiceless in a governmental system, placing all the blame on those with big money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming a politician whom will fail in upholding his ideals.

When and as I see myself go into the moment of which I abdicate governmental responsibility, I stop I breathe.

I realize that this post is continuance of Day 8, but also another media inspired entry that's related to my political involvement. A pattern..

I commit myself to standing up within myself to push through each specific fear that is disabling me from taking that next step!

Here we go.

Day 46 - Best for All @ Home

"Focus on what is best for all. Stick to one point no matter what and the outcome is assured. Anything that is based on forms of division, polarity, positive or negative, good or bad, pointless. An absolute waste. They go no where. Go to the solution that is best for all because such a solution do not have a positive or a negative. It is not a polarity. It is simply what it is, the best for all."

- Bernard P.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of what is best for all. I have seen myself applying what I think is best for all, rather than looking at the common sense of the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret what's Best for All as what's best for another. I have been leaving myself out of the equation when I would tell my mother how she should live. These polarized teaching statements activate the superiority-inferiority of knowledge construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what's best for all is what's best for another as well as what's equally best for me. By missing this point, our egos would have continued to clash, and I would have been kicked out of the house in due time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know what's best for others, ignoring what's best for me as an equal in the situation, and within this I forgive myself, for allowing myself to act in self-interest under the perception of what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that resources are scarce, and so within the context of living at home, my parents are in one essence, my bosses. I see how the roof over my head, and the food on the table are not to be taken for granted as they were in my past. I forgive myself for ever accepting and allowing myself to take for granted, the care of my parents.

--

When and as I see myself going into mind within polarity to justify or argue a point that I have seen in others, I stop I breathe.

I realize that in trying to teach others, I enter an ego-energy war, especially when my words are not welcomed nor asked for. In the classroom, we pay teachers to be superior. In life, people, including myself, only really want to make up their own minds. That is to be respected.

I commit myself to understanding what is best for all as an expansive look at each situation. Taking into consideration every aspect that is apparent to see if an action or statement will actually yield what is best for all, as me and you and whoever I'm talkin' to.

Above quote from YouTube video: Poison and the Snake,
Transcription, thanks to dtranscriptions.blogspot.com

 

 

Day 45 - Delay

thanks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay completing my daily tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from responsibilities through irrelevant, pleasure seeking outlets including but not limited to video games, socialization, tiredness, or seeking to accomplish random things out of line with my priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually delay the top priority tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay facing myself in each moment.

--

When and as I see myself falling into the same pattern of delaying or dodging the top priority task, I stop I breathe.


I realize that what I'm actually doing through this procrastination is participating in the fear of not wanting to fail, in one form or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure within my application of myself for myself, such that I delay actually doing what it is that I truly want to be doing.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing/understanding that it is fear of failure that is the point I must push myself through when I run from my priorities.

I commit myself to acknowledging the fear of failure as the force behind delay, pushing through that fear, and pushing myself to carry out the task at hand.

When and as I am in delay for another reason within the reluctance to face myself, I simply stop and I breathe.

I see, here, how and why I have chosen to shift my priorities, so that I may get back on track asap. This is the process of how I commit myself to self-direction within my breath. Step-by-step. Breath-by-breath.

Day 44 - Barely enough time to blog!

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself to dedicate enough time for a daily entry to this blog.

--

When and as I see myself turn away from the responsibility to blog, I stop I breathe.

I realize that when I shy away from the task that I have set for myself, I am being dishonest, through trying to run or hide from myself. Within this, I must realize that me then, is me now, is me in the future, so a commitment or promise to self to blog daily must stand stable through time.

I commit myself to being honest with myself and others within the words that I speak.

Day 43 - Seeking Validation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop and participate within the insecurity of my self that causes me to seek validation and confirmation for myself.

More specifically, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be apprehensive about expressing myself without the validation or approval from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be insecure with myself within the fear of others judgment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the desire for validation is actually covering my fear of judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the opinions of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the judgement is a true reflection of my character. And within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become highly invested in how my public character is judged by others.

--

I commit myself to stopping the program of needing assurance and validation to feel comfortable.

Photo from

Day 42 - Parental Attachment: Guilt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt-mode and when around my mother, such that I create a feeling that I must explain or justify myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character of worried concern for the validity of my actions when around my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I am only judging myself in separation from myself when I place the expected thoughts patterns of my parents onto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unwittingly create the experience of guilt and blame it on my parents' need to know all the details.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind in a way that causes me a feeling related to self-doubt, especially when around my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remain here as who I am within my breath. And so I go of into thought about how I can essentially protect myself for future interaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate plausible interactions with my parents, and within that, charge the polarity divide between us. These mental drama playouts do not serve what's best for all, rather they only justify my own perspective. This is not the way to effectively cohabitate with my parents after college.

--

I commit myself to staying here in my breath when I am not in the presence of my parents so that I do not, and will not, engage in the mental dramatic playouts of potential future interactions, that serve only me as ego.

I commit myself to self-honestly have a look at each point within my parents that bugs me, and especially the aspects that really bug me, so that I may see what points that I have allowed in myself that I will no longer accept. (more on this to come)

I commit myself to discover why and how I manifest the feeling of guilt, or need to justify myself, because blaming them is not the answer.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself and my parents through the introspection of my judgements of them as self-judgment, only.

Thanks, that's all for now.

Day 41 - Understanding the Nature of Thoughts

     Thanks to this: http://eqafe.com/p/quantum-mind-self-awareness-step-1, I've begun to get a sense for what/how/why and the why not of thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never investigated thoroughly the nature of my thoughts: where they come from, why do they come up in that moment, what am I reacting to, how can I get to the core of a thought manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think without regard for what the potential consequences may be for thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that there is an equal and opposite reaction for the generation of a thought within my physical body. They say stress kills you...thoughts aren't free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think without thinking about what it means specifically to have that thought, so that I may locate the origin / starting point to self-honestly address it with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shy away from some thoughts within a reaction to them that effectively ends the investigation of that point before it starts.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to carefully consider my thoughts as who I am as what I've allowed myself to exist as, when my real nature is of life and not thought.

 --

I commit myself to the process of deconstructing the multidimensional thoughts as they come up within self-honesty.

I commit myself to finding the origin of the thought so that I may effectively release that accumulation of suppressed energy with specific self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to standing one and equal with the thoughts and the building blocks behind them so I may take responsibility for what I have allowed myself to exist as and direct myself toward alignment with what is best for all.

I commit myself to the consideration of thoughts as who I am, and say 'till here and no further!'


Day 40 - Depth and Specificity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that only with a thorough investigation of a single point can I effectively release the mind's energetic binds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skim the surface of a point without being specific.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself from going deeper into each issue/point that I bring up in my self-forgiveness statements by not giving myself enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shy away from the specificity that is required to effectively let go of an energetic attachment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how ineffective I am within my application when I do not narrow down the exact issue.

--

I commit myself to more thoroughly investing each point that I bring under the radar.

I commit myself to putting in the extra effort to get accurate and specific with each item of self that I address.

I commit myself to understanding when I am glazing the surface to be able to dive deeper to get to the real structure of the issue.

I commit myself to discovering the nitty-gritty details behind each point as they open up with self-forgiveness.


cc



...to be more specific:

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tirelessly pursue the support structure of the mind to forgive myself for what I've constructed, accepted, and allowed to exist as within and as me.

I commit myself to the undying effort of locating the starting point of all thoughts, actions, words and then to apply self forgiveness within a breath that is utterly specific by design.

Day 39 - Self-Honesty as the Key of Keys



I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to understand the pivotal importance of being honest with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually lie to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any kind of lie to exist within my nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the flow at the cost of absolute integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-dishonesty, in any and every form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify, rationalize, spin, tweak, alter, delude or distort reality to suit me and my pre-existing ideas.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to confirm what I already know, instead of question it. To question everything I've built of myself takes some serious courage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I may not be able to do it, that I may not be able to stand for life, for what's best for all life unconditionally.

- -

I commit myself to courage.

I commit myself to reality.

I commit myself to here.

I commit myself to being me.

I commit myself to self-honesty

I commit myself to sharing self-honesty with all walks of life.

Day 38 - All Communication as Self-Talk

Check it out
I was listening to this life review of a sports fanatic that was gifted to me, when around the 8-minute mark, he talks about realization of being alone in this universe. And between that turning point, and the past week, really taking a look at the notion that each is a mirror, and that all my judgments can be turned back on to myself. It's like, everyone is showing me what I want to teach myself, through my words and their words. To be ultimately perceptive, and actually listen to everyone, hear them, hear myself, observe animals...there is communication everywhere, and it's all me.

This drastic, life-changing culmination point, hit me so hard, that I believe it to be the reason I passed out early last night during my usual blog writing time, avoiding writing, maybe it was just that it's kind of a big realization, and the consequences of it are hefty. I don't want to lie to myself / others. I don't want to be mean. I want to be clear with my communication. So all is on the same page as much as possible. It takes effort because it's so easy to not hear others as I get overwhelmed with my perspective / what I am planning to say...maybe it's another expression of the anxiety. I feel rushed in a lot of areas in life, but particularly in communication, the pattern I'm seeing is that I stop listening once my mind side tracks with the thought of something related to my agenda (not equal consideration of words, here). Also I notice that when someone starts speaking something unrelated or irrelevant to what was just said previously, I stop listening or get frustrated ...It's like being ignored. Deliberate or not, it's not listening or it's choosing to avoid.

I commit myself to no longer not listen or choose to avoid the words in the air, and further more I commit myself to self-honestly listening to myself and others, with patience at times, and with respect for life.

Listening to and sorting out my thoughts, my inner self-talk, there's always something to be learned, or a fear to be faced or directed by. To ask how is my mind set-up, to think a certain way, according what to preference or past fear-based experience. What a question! I am seeing more clearly where it is that I come from in my communication, and by this I mean what is the point of what I am saying. I see it in others: When they've become unaware of the choice to perceive their own intention within their word choice / reality creation...so why won't I allow myself to see this point of where it is I'm coming from within my own communication; because, I guess my ego programs like to be executed and hide it's intentions from me because it suits the ego. Cool. No more.

I forgive myself that i HAVE accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others within my perspective of communication, and so within this I forgive myself for not listening to others/myself when my mind goes into side-track-distract(ions), so I forgive myself that I allowed myself to get caught up in my mind's impulsed distraction, instead of staying here with the spoken words in the air...respecting all communication, as all communication is self-talk. Hear me, me!

During the times at which someone is too stubborn to speak at a level level, I recognize that it only requires more patience. Sometime, it's a lost cause, and I've usually at this point fallen into participating in the polarity of an argument to which only friction is caused and the oneness is lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to run or hide from the self-honest nature of communication (as speaking my own honest perception as well as hearing others), so within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the distraction of my mind away from the hereness of the conversation, dodging the responsibility to be open and honest with myself through listening to myself as well as others, one and equal.

To slow down = to listen. Easier to hear, perceive more...basically just not get to caught up in the mind.

Or at least recognizing when I am distraught with thought, so I can bring me back to my breath.

Thanks, that's all for tonight.

Day 37 - Control Freakyness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control my environment and the people in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can control my external environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can control my anxiety by attempting to control everything around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through trying to control my external environment, I create/amplify my anxious state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry and myself and others for attempting to control that which is not within one's sphere of control.

--

I commit myself to understanding how anxiety arises within me in each moment.

I commit myself to no longer trying to control my environment to appease my self-interested desires.

I commit myself to fully realizing the actual extent of my control of my self.

I commit myself to seeing when I am trying to align my environment to suit me.

I commit myself to self-alignment...meaning, I will correct and control myself within my environment only.

I commit myself to this process of realizing my power over myself, alone, to reach the point of maximum effectiveness in the world.

cc
Special thanks to this Earth Review post for perspective and support on control freaks.

Day 36 - Respecting the fearful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disrespect others' fear by judging it as stupid, dismissible, invalid, untrue or unworthy because within this I am not seeing the entire picture clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the fear of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am superior to the fear that others experience, and therefore do not need to consider that perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin a polarizing argument to defend my fearless position as if I was trying to convince the fearful one that the fear is invalid by brute force.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that different perspectives hold different starting points, and that when efforts to understand the differences are not made, the battle inside of polarity begins to intensify.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that each perspective is not the same is mine, and to be once and equal with other perspectives would allow me to remain here, and not be too involved in my personal perspective causing polarized friction.

--

I commit myself to seeing and stopping myself within judgment toward others' fears.

I commit myself to understanding how real the experience of fear within others may be.

I commit myself to slowing down and not getting to involved in my perspective that I deem superior.

I commit myself to realizing that my perspective is equal to others' perspective in regard to the value that each personally place within their own perspective.

I commit myself to walking this process of self-forgiveness with others' that are open to releasing their fears, and so I commit myself to asking others' if they would like to effectively remove a specific fear.

I commit myself to recognizing the fears I have in me, especially when I see that fear in others.

I commit myself to doing self forgiveness for fears within my experience as well as others' experiences.

cc


Day 35 - Dodging the discomfort of delay

     The concept for today's post is about using impulsed actions to deviate from the responsibility I have laid out in front of me. I realized, after a quick google search for "dodging discomfort," (yielding this article here) that the source of my discomfort is rooted in procrastination. It fits. I had been delaying the start of this post for about 20 minutes before I found myself craving a delicious snack. And now I realize that even my fingernail biting is one of these actions that I've paved a nice outlet for: It allows me to delay to take a break from the task at hand. While I maybe thinking about what the task is, I have left the moment of anxiety and discomfort with a distraction. These killer distractions that take you away from the presence of here, are trained procrastination outlets to deal with the discomfort of delay.

     My perception is that this point is ginormous: to cut all cravings and stick with myself here in every moment; no more accepted and allowed distractions. So, in a similar format to how I've chosen to walk out of my nail biting habit. I will consider this point every time I see it, then make the decision to clear the pattern with self-forgiveness, or run/hide and wait for the pattern's time loop to once more decide to self-honestly choose what's best for me and all, or deliberately suppress the procrastination with instant feel goods (i.e. food, video games, reading, chewing on my nails, etc./pick your poison) To begin to bring this point consistently into my awareness to be able to make this decision starts here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run into a specialized/hidden form of procrastination to deal with the discomfort that arises from procrastination. Holy crap, this is nuts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this uncomfortable feeling that arises in me is a consequence of not acting within the responsibility that I have decided to undergo in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how these cravings for yummy food and feel-good-fingernail bites are a manifestation of procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to procrastinate my responsibilities in created ways that almost had me thinking that I could dodge them altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to believe that I can effectively dodge responsibilities through removing myself from the equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, understand and realize my own created method for ineffectively dealing with responsibility through procrastination actions.

- -

I commit myself to show others that procrastination can be broken down and dismantled with a slow, honest look at self's actions.

I commit myself to prove to myself that I can handle my responsibilities.

I commit myself to understanding how and why I have chosen a particular expression as a form of delay.

I commit myself to facing within self-honesty the discomfort that arises when I procrastinate a responsibility, and to be keenly aware of what I do to alleviate that uncomfortable feeling of delay.

I commit myself to this process of unfolding my habits as the true nature of what I have been allowing myself to exist as/through.


Day 34 - Finger Nail Biting Update

Update to: Day 14 - Stopping Nail Biting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into acceptance of biting my nails, occasionally to alleviate an impurity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly try to fix my nails until they feel perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite and then continue to bite my nail. I thought I had cleared this point, but it's not done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reach a state of perfection for my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fingernail clippers within the same application of removing any and all impurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define impurities in my nails that require to be chewed or removed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just relax in relation to how my nails feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relieve tension through biting my nails.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to control my nail biting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others' opinions of me as a nail biter, and for fearing the definition of failure in relation to stopping nail biting.

I forgive myself for not seeing that I can give myself an unlimited number of fresh starting points, and that rather, biting is a moment to exercise self-honesty.

--

I commit myself to looking at my nail biting action through the lens of self-honesty.

I commit myself to stopping this nail biting habit.

I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with my nails and all expressions of my body.

I commit myself to showing others that I can effectively stop this habit through self-forgiveness and my commitment to self to stop.

I commit myself to effectively stopping the nail-biting energy surge, and further, uncovering where came from and how it started.

I commit myself to continue to stopping, using the initial reaction to find more points to deconstruct with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to being ok with how my nails feel in any condition, and only removing impurities with nail clippers within self-honesty, not taking off more than is needed.

I commit myself to checking in with myself in self-honesty to hold myself accountable for me alone.

I commit myself to continue to drive myself through this energy addition outlet, and then to remove the energy behind each bite.

Here we go, again.

Day 33 - Conversational Starting Point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider the other person's starting point within speech, and ignore my own.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see that my starting point was "you should change, because I'm right" and to only see the other starting point = "justification for why not to change."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come from a starting point within my speech of "you should change," as this is not based in equality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as an equal in conversation, starting point within my breath.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to first scrutinize my speech to check if the starting point is best for all or based in self-interest.

I forgive myself for not seeing that the emotionally heated temperament I had in me is embedded in my mind as a polarity outflow to which to no end is satisfying, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as other in this critical moment of choosing the frame/starting-point for my speech.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ego charge: To Be Right, such that I was trapped within it during the moment of speaking. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself within self-honesty and correct myself within my breath as what's best for all.

--

I commit myself to seeing and realizing when I am not aligned with what is best for all within my speech.

I commit myself to not continuing to participate in that ego charge once I've caught myself out of alignment of what's best for all within speech.

I commit myself to balancing my awareness of other starting point and my starting point within any conversation as to direct a process and outcome that's best for all parties.

I commit myself to myself in becoming the change and support for myself and through this support others without effort or an ego need to be right.

I commit myself to understanding what it is to be a True Activist (relevant support):
     "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that TRUE ACTIVISM will INVESTIGATE ALL THINGS and Not Just the Things Disliked, as What is Liked in a System Justifies and Protects what is Disliked, and Actual Change means Changing ALL THINGS and the Introduction of a Total New System, or Activism will just be TOKEN Actions Leading to Nowhere." - Creation's Journey To Life

...The theme of activism to be continued.

cc


Day 32 - Gluttonous Behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat beyond what is needed because I now realize the difference between eating for support to my physical body, and eating for mental enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat for mental enjoyment and for reasons of which the starting point is of mind, exceeding what is practically supporting my body. I can tell this through common sense of of prolonged physical discomfort in the torso area.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave more food when I am not hungry.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my craving of unsupportive food eating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a dishonest starting point within my snacking, where I see I am eating to fulfill me as mind through taste-satisfaction alone.

- -

I commit myself to recognizing when I am full, and to see for what reason I crave more food in each moment.

I commit myself, through this craving assessment, to be self-honest with myself, and eat within common sense.

I commit myself to applying active self-forgiveness when I catch myself eating for mental pleasure without my permission. No more running, no more hiding. I am here, to see what I eat.






Day 31 - Breathing Count Allowance

     While I was having a massage today, I was making great effort to stay with the breath count: In 1-2-3-4, hold 1-2-3-4, out 1-2-3-4, hold 1-2-3-4, repeat. I like this square breath because it keeps me out of my head. The benefit = I was much more receptive to the masseuse. I could feel my muscles relaxing, as opposed to tightening up when I had a thought and she would "fall off" the muscle. I could tell, for myself, keeping my mind synced with my physical breath was keeping my in my body.

     She worked on my neck and pectorals, opening up my chest. She also made notice of my breathing, and told me to "take a deep breath into my upper chest." I could feel stretching that was new to me. I had a closed cage for a long time. "It's like muscle memory," she said to me next; which I interpreted as getting used to using different muscles to expand my lungs. And so, my breath expanded in ability to take in more air.

     During the massage, I realized that keeping to my breath and trusting my physical body is the way to go. I thought, why can't I breathe with the square count all day every day, what's stopping me, then I returned to breathing. And now, I'm opening this up to see where it leads. Hope you enjoy reading my experience !

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze up and breath in only using some of my lung muscles. I commit myself to maintaining postural awareness through my conscious breathing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just breathe; and within that, to trust my breath, as my body, as me, as who I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been breathing with just a fraction of my lung capacity and I forgive myself that I have not given myself to chance to really breathe with absolute awareness in any and every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my mind to find the solutions to problems that my mind create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self to believe that it is too hard to remain here in my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create reasons why I should not stay here in my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my breath, and to fear letting go of my reactionary thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to go into a reaction, losing sight of my breath.

- -

I commit myself to using this square breathing pattern as an indicator as to when I am here in my body, or there in my mind.

I commit myself to returning to my breath as much as I will allow, in ever increasing increments until I am always here within and as my breath.

I commit myself to allowing myself to just breath, taking in everything for consideration, and trusting myself to do what's best for all (be it my body or my cat or the wasp stuck in the pool)

I commit myself to developing this trust within and as my breath as life, here.

I commit myself to life, here in my breath.


(In) 1,2,3,4 (Hold) 1,2,3,4 (Out) 1,2,3,4 (Hold) 1,2,3,4...thanks for the breath count Desteni, and thanks for the photo Jo


Day 30 - Underwater fears

     Swimming today. Turned into pushing myself to get across the pool in one breath. A familiar point came up: I've always been afraid that I won't be able to take my next breath soon enough. The panic/anxiety causes me to want to surface sooner than I need to. This is a variable fluctuation in terms of time,. but in terms of fear, I feel it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anxiety to take over my mind and physical when I am under water.

I forgive myself for not seeing that I need to prepare above water for the holding of my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear while underwater because I might choke if I try to inhale before I've reached the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient while surfacing.

I forgive myself for being anxious underwater, and within that I forgive myself for not slowing down to take a moment to collect myself within my breath prior to a prolonged, underwater expedition.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad or good within the label of an underwater breath holder...! Character..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the character that I am a holder of my breath underwater, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my ability to others' ability to hold their breath.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally live as an amphibious creature of this earth.



CC


I commit myself to a common sense approach to underwater swimming.

I commit myself to recognizing when I am anxious and need to slow down to breathe for a moment.

I commit myself to uncovering the source of my underwater anxiety, so I can completely remove this fear.

I commit myself to calm my mind, and just swim, listening to my body for when I need air.

I commit myself to absolute awareness of the moment as my starting point  before going under.


I commit myself to not sharing and comparing my character of being able to hold my breath for a longer or shorter amount of time.

I commit myself to here, underwater too :)

P.S. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious to take a breath before I have surfaced. ahhh

Day 29 - Self Judgement

     I have noticed my judgement patterns. Even though I don't judge people as much as some other people judge people, when I compare myself to others, I've already lost the game. To not judge is a hefty concept. It means giving up all those definitions and thoughts that placed order about my self-concept. The folks over at Desteni repeat Jesus, 'judge not, least ye be judged.' And so, I see how my intensely limiting fear of judgment from others, can only exist if I am judging myself. And the whole 'Oneness' thing must mean that if I judge others, then I'm really just judging myself. So, this is the beginning of me actually STOPPING self judgment as well as all judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others based in self comparison.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to separate myself from others through comparison and judgement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that through judging others I am judging myself and allowing myself to create the perception of being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the possible judgements from others, not realizing that it's all just self-judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself negatively as well as positively because see how both directions can limit my self expression and growth in awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping judgement as I will have to let go of any favorable impressions I've built for myself, and within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is value in my self-judgements.

- -

I commit myself to realizing when I am in a mode of judgment to STOP, within and as my breath.

I commit myself to recognizing all judgment as self-judgment, and to use that in my process as practical support.

I commit myself to stop when I catch myself thinking about how others may be judging me in any given particular moment.

I commit myself to refrain from placing value and emphasis within my thoughts as judgment.

I commit myself to not speaking within judgment, as it time-and-time again proves futile as support for others. I see it as self-serving opinions and it needs to stop here.

I commit myself to these above commitments, and when I falter, I commit myself to reestablishing a clear starting point whenever I need to until it is done.

Till here and no further.

CC

Day 28 - Self-doubt in writing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself within my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my previous writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I cannot write well enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone my writing for later improvement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write with the intention that someone else will read it and that they need to like it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to edit my self-expression for others to more easily relate with me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write for myself, free from anticipated criticism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate negative criticism of my expressive writings.

--

I commit myself to unconditionally writing what it is I initially sat down to write, from beginning to end.

I commit myself to not judging my writing as unworthy.

I commit myself to writing for myself, unhindered by anticipated opinions thereof.

I commit myself to to not judging my own writing.

I commit myself to no hidden agendas within my writing.

I commit myself to being true to myself within my writing.

I commit myself to just flowing my thoughts into my writing and NOT second guessing myself.

I commit myself to honesty, and recognizing when my writing is not honestly for myself.

I commit myself to writing to myself ONLY, as like Notes to Self, not rant toward others.

I commit myself to not fearing writing a less than perfect entry.

I commit myself to just writing the words that come up as they do.

Day 27 - Expanding on behavior expections

    The other night, my mom and I got into a fight. The point that I saw within me is surfacing more and more: I lay out an expected scenario of someone's behavior based on a past interaction that caused an emotional reaction in me. I never had forgiven myself for my my past reactions before, so when they come up in the present, it's not immediately apparent what the source of my emotion is. To slow down and see where this comes from and forgive the original point of origin is mission I am undertaking to defuse this nonsense.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize in  the moment that I am speaking from a starting point of my past, and I forgive myself for not slowing down to see where this feling comes from.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience an emotion that bubbles up from my past without realizing where it comes from, and I forgive myself for acting through/with this feeling as if it is a form of effective communication for behavior change...chaa right!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate reality by calling forth my skewed perception of past events and impose that perspective on others in hopes to change/avoid that behavior pattern I see in them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am judging people through this brand of imposing expectation, and that I haven't allowed myself to see that it is myself I am judging for it is myself that I am truly angry with.

--

I commit myself to exposing myself to myself within self-honesty in every moment that act in this way, and if I do not immediately realize it, I will still address it, rather than supress it.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing/understanding that I am to blame for the experience that I produce inside of me regardless of who or what it is in relation to.

I commit myself to walking through each point as it comes up, using self-forgiveness on the point of which the emotion originates from (that is the initial mental picture that pops up right before I open my mouth with an emotion loaded and running), until I stand clear and stable.

I commit myself to slowing down when I am moving to fast to see clearly where it is I'm coming from.

I commit myself to sharing this experience of transcendence on a particular point with the person or people I had that interaction with...and those who care to read this ;)

Day 26 - Past to expectation, emotions

     This point is engrained in the construct of wanting to be right and self-honesty, er, well I suppose self-honesty is engrained every step of the way. Finally unpacking some emotional debate between my mother and I, I saw my starting point was based in past experiences and used to project an expectation of which my mother perceived as an attack.

     She offered to help me out in the kitchen sometime if I ever wanted to try making a more complicated recipe. I, here, went into mind (without awareness, but + emotion) and brought up the image of my mom nit picking every movement I made in the kitchen because it isn't the way she is comfortable with that particular task being done. And so, I made a statement about the future expectation I had of her behavior, and with a variant of anger tainting the message, causing the perception of attack. I was attacking, out of anger.



      Had I not been emotionally involved with my past, I doubt I would have instigated that offensive conversation. This point of bringing up unresolved feelings from my past through manipulative expressions of anger is not legit. Thankfully, my mom, dad, and I were able to talk this out rather than letting the overwhelm emotion step in and end it.

Obviously, this one incident is not every past emotion that's skewed the expression of myself, and so I will have many point to write about that relate to this post's title, but for now I will get started with a few forgiveness statements. Whew..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and teach my mother how she has wronged me in my past by re-purposing an emotion I never let go of/had resolve for into converstaional attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger toward my mother because I thought she was the source of it, when really, I'm mad that the issue had never been resolved and that I took no responsibility for myself in that moment back in the day, when I could have resolved it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting upset with myself for not having done something in the past. My know-how's evolved through time, and I can only take responsibility for for my wrongs now/here, so there is no need to get frustrated at my past self. I can just bring him here and live the correction from now onwards.

Thanks, see ya tomorrow.


Day 25 - The social appeaser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my own intentions, concerns and desires when in the presence of others that I want to like me because I am overly concerned with their judgments of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and surmise others' thoughts/judgments toward me by using my self judgment as a guessing framework and also from various points of information collected about the particular relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use information to define my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the power of just being myself, one and equal with my breath, my mind, the other person's mind, as well as the other person's breath.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to dedicate lots of energy to becoming cool so that I might have an easier time in the social world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek that easy way out. < that's for another time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be honest with myself in expressing myself in every moment regardless of how I may perceive others' to perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making negative impressions of myself within others' minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a feeling of discomfort when I haven't conformed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others' reactions to my expression; within this, I forgive me for accepting and allowing me to behave differently.

--

I commit myself to a self-honest expression of myself, meaning that others' opinions and reactions to me shall not hinder my freedom within common sense reason.

I commit myself to STOPPING the discomfort I create as an internal experience when others' interject their beliefs at me.

I commit myself to STOPPING trying to guess what others' might be thinking about me, so that I may remain here within and as my breath.

I commit myself to showing myself and equal respect/regard as I do for others.

I commit myself to not making snap judgments and not using limited information to judge another's character.

I commit myself to no longer defining relationships based on information. Nothing but what's here will be real. No mental BS telling me the way it is or is supposed to be, not any more

I commit myself to taking this stand, and catching my mind in action as to promote the most pure relationships with others and myself, equally.