Day 48 - Older Brother Insecurities

     My brother was born when I was 2. Ever since then, I formed a spite complex. I recall the feeling of insecurity as I formed defensive reactions to his innocent expression. I was rather mean to him whenever I needed to protect or preserve that almighty ego of mine. Completely selfish, I would call him stupid, so I could feel smart. There is a general memory of me just being plain mean, putting him down without an ounce of compassion, just so I could feel good about myself. Reckless...stupid. Haha, I was the stupid one that whole time.

     As I looked at our high school portraits, I have one of those smirks, and he's got one of the most honest smiles. I think I was projecting my fear of myself onto him because he stood as a being of great integrity and honesty. I continued to maintain the ego version of myself through our interactions until I saw myself in action. It was like a snapping point, where I had just had enough of myself being a dick to him. So just under a year ago I was able to bring myself to tears while writing out self-forgiveness for for being an asshole to my brother my whole life. It's kind of a big deal. So in my beginning of taking responsibility for my behavior toward him, I was overwhelmed. I still have much to walk through as indicated by the unsettled feeling in me. So, even now that things have significantly improved between us, (at least on my side) I start to see how the patterned personality I created for myself in the context of my upbringing with my brother is not cleared. I still put others "in their place" so that I can feel in the superior position, as this is the picture of power I seek.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself by creating and constructing a skewed perception of myself within my mind in relationship with my brother. Being older made it easy to pick on him...I only wish I could have realized what I was doing earlier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my past through regret. I am one with all parts of my expression throughout time, and I must take responsibility for all of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to continue to run from facing the truth of myself as the accumulation of insecurity within my constructed personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build barriers to protect my ego. The abusive projection of my own insecurities is no longer accepted.

When and as I see myself move into a degrading ego attack, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I have a lot of inertia within this design and it will take patience and persistence to deconstruct this routine of ego protection. To fully walk myself out of this design and into the life that I am here, I commit myself to seeing/realizing/understanding every manifestation of my superiority complex within all of my relationships.

I commit myself to realizing how I use polarity to promote my self-conception because this isn't what life is about. I built myself up by putting him down, and all of this was in relationship to my mind...my selfish ego.

I commit myself to continually exposing and humiliating myself until I stand as an equal.

Thank you for everything brother.