Day 26 - Past to expectation, emotions

     This point is engrained in the construct of wanting to be right and self-honesty, er, well I suppose self-honesty is engrained every step of the way. Finally unpacking some emotional debate between my mother and I, I saw my starting point was based in past experiences and used to project an expectation of which my mother perceived as an attack.

     She offered to help me out in the kitchen sometime if I ever wanted to try making a more complicated recipe. I, here, went into mind (without awareness, but + emotion) and brought up the image of my mom nit picking every movement I made in the kitchen because it isn't the way she is comfortable with that particular task being done. And so, I made a statement about the future expectation I had of her behavior, and with a variant of anger tainting the message, causing the perception of attack. I was attacking, out of anger.

      Had I not been emotionally involved with my past, I doubt I would have instigated that offensive conversation. This point of bringing up unresolved feelings from my past through manipulative expressions of anger is not legit. Thankfully, my mom, dad, and I were able to talk this out rather than letting the overwhelm emotion step in and end it.

Obviously, this one incident is not every past emotion that's skewed the expression of myself, and so I will have many point to write about that relate to this post's title, but for now I will get started with a few forgiveness statements. Whew..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and teach my mother how she has wronged me in my past by re-purposing an emotion I never let go of/had resolve for into converstaional attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger toward my mother because I thought she was the source of it, when really, I'm mad that the issue had never been resolved and that I took no responsibility for myself in that moment back in the day, when I could have resolved it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting upset with myself for not having done something in the past. My know-how's evolved through time, and I can only take responsibility for for my wrongs now/here, so there is no need to get frustrated at my past self. I can just bring him here and live the correction from now onwards.

Thanks, see ya tomorrow.

Photo from Wikimedia Commons