This mysterious lady of few words has walked into my hospital room twice now since starting this 14-day iPad study. She silently allows the trash bags and roll of toilet paper in her hands communicate her purpose for entering my suite. Is she attractive? Yes, but I have only seen half of her face at most. She very much keeps to herself as she conducts her business, but when I say "thank you," she does grace me with a soft "your welcome" as she walks out the door.
After she left the room, I sat down to continue my Sudoku puzzle and was blessed with the most intoxicating, delightful scent that has ever entered my nose. I immediately recalled how much I enjoyed it the first time she dropped in for a brief visit. At this point, I was just sitting there smelling the air as much as I could, hoping it would stick around as long as possible. Phase 2: enter mind. I had been swept into a positive reaction that took me out of this world.
My mind fluttered to what I could/should say to her next time she comes. I wanted to compliment her, so I was trying various phrases and expressions in my mind to find what would have the best impact on her. After about 5 minutes of this hypnotically induced mind state, I realized that was in self-interest. for a moment, I tried to distort my intentions to fit the best for all framework with something along the lines of, "your perfume is very nice, but you don't need it because your already very pretty," but I eventually realized that everything I thought about saying to her about her smell was inescapably self-interested. I had gone into a reaction and my starting point was not clear.
I originally just thought I wanted to brighten her day. Then I realized that I wanted to reinforce and support her decision to use this particular perfume. Then I looked at myself, and began to realize what my motivation for saying something to her really was. I wanted to share a positive moment with this stranger to brighten MY day. A few moments later, I dug deeper and found what I really wanted. Gulp. I hesitate to share it with you now. (Oh and by the way, this whole process of moving through these realizations happened on a piece of scratch paper that I had been using to investigate some other points... just to be clear that this unfolding of realizations didn't just happen in the tides of my mind.) What I really wanted, on a deeper level that I couldn't at all see from that initial level of interpretating my motivation, was that I wanted a full look at her face, frontal view. I wanted to collect a picture memory that I could store and use to contribute to the Ideal Girl collage that I've been imprinting into my mind my whole life.
I was shocked. I couldn't believe my own self-honesty! But here I am. Finding this point had such a strong impact on me that I decided to share it here. Now, I'm in a committed relationship, but I have to be honest with myself: All my sex drive programming didn't just disappear! And I've never written about sexual attraction in relation to smell before. It hit me like Wham! So, my pencil hit the paper like Slam! ;)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to rewire my self-interest to fit inside of acceptable "best for all" parameters - and in this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my self-interested starting point was influencing my investigation of what would be best for all in this circumstance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in a positive experience within my mind after smelling this glorious scent.
I forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand how I am affected by pleasant smells within and through an unnecessary participation in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this pleasant smell, into a desire reaction, narrowly perceived through my ego's interest, instead of remaining stable within awareness of my breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly continue to go into my mind when a positive experience is involved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unwilling to let go of that which I desire.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is harmless to indulge in a positive experience, and therefore justified, and so NOT flagged for investigation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helpless when it comes to desires and urges arising out of my sexuality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a female possesses one or more traits that I find appealing, shift myself into my mind within a delusional starting-point fantasy of potential sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the breath awareness tool that I can use to ground myself in my body, and support myself to interact with anyone and everyone as equals.
When and as I see or smell a sexy female, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the reaction of going into my mind is not aligned into what is best for all. It is aligned with self-interest and also many variations of fear. I commit myself to using my breath to get into my flesh and bones, and realize that this person is also flesh and bones, no different from me for all intents and purposes.
I commit myself to making a clear and decisive movement within myself to stop myself from going into my mind and automatically shifting my behavior around attractive strangers.
I commit myself to flagging my reactions to attractive strangers for further investigation, so that I may remain stable in similar future interactions.
When and as I see myself trying to mold my self-interest initiatives into a framework of what is best for all, I stop, I breathe. I realize that my starting point is of self-interest, and I must first clear that before I can look objectively at what is best for all.
I commit myself to recognizing and stopping myself when I see myself TRYING use the best for all equation to preserve and hold onto my self interest.
When and as I see myself trying to preserve my self interests through mental gymnastics, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my self-interests. I realize that these narrow-view initiatives are not creating what is best for all, and I can no longer trust that my mind knows what I really want. I understand that I must stop and remove my impulsive, fear/desire constructs, to consider the bigger picture BEFORE I can act in the interest of what is best for all.
When and as I see myself moving into a desire for a positive experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this shift into the mind is limiting my perspective and ultimately my power to create what is best for all. I commit myself to constantly recognizing my responsibility to embody my potential and do what is best for all life, to the best of my capacity.
When and as I see myself floating off into my mind in a social situation, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back to the present moment that I'm presently sharing with one or more other individuals. I commit myself to remaining here in all of my social interactions, treating others as I would treat myself, with respect, with dignity. Treating others as the flesh and bones that I am too.
When and as weak points in my sexuality programming present themselves, I commit myself to first breathe, and then investigate the self-honesty of what is going on here, on paper, so that I may support myself to remove myself from the automated programming of my mind, and create myself in alignment with physicality, and the ultimate desire of physicality: Doing what is best for self, as all life.