Day 190 - Anger Departure

The other day, my mama and I were in the car and entering the arena of political conversation as things started to get heated. We arrived at our destination and the anger system demon reached it's fullest expression in my mother. My reaction was to leave her presence as I had no come back that could be of any value. So as I walked around the super market, the anger festered within me. I didn't really have a clear action plan, but instead of getting dinner with my mom, I decided to buy some of my favorite ginger snap cookies and walk home. When I saw her, I said "I'm just going to walk home. You need to be alone right now." I too needed to be alone.
Anger Controlls Him
Photo credit: Wikipedia

Here, my expression of anger was a mix of spite and responsibility. In the moment, I was more trying to teach my mom a lesson / establish control / put myself in harm's way (the cold weather & time lost). I only later realized (when working through my DIP lesson) that walking away can be an appropriate action when the alternative is bouncing the anger-ball back and forth. To wait out the anger and not keep feeding it is suggested. But like I said, I was more lost for words and expressing my anger with this more drastic & dramatic departure. Let's work this out for myself:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when my mom becomes angry and deliberately attacks me for not having a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express my anger with spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move my anger into backchat and internal conversation, instead of breathing and addressing what's here practically.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am actually angry with myself, and that I can actually learn why by seeing why I was anger at the other person. In this case, I was angry at her for repeated power-play, as an inconsiderate low-blow, despite any shared understanding we've reached on how I'm choosing to spend my time. When I turn that back to me, I see my struggle for display/confirmation of power over others and not being considerate of them as life/equals. Will address this dimension tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to hold onto the anger, as I held a grudge for several days after this event by not really speaking or interacting toward her.
--
When and as I see myself holding onto a grudge, I stop, I breathe, I become self-honest with myself. I realize that avoiding communication is not a practical means of conflict resolution. I commit myself to pushing through that barrier/fear/resistance of breaking the ice and speaking about the sensitive issue from the starting point of facilitating what's best for all. I forgive myself that I have not had the courage to speak up and facilitate conflict resolution communication as a self-honest expression of what's best for all.

When and as I see myself within a game of 'anger tennis,' I stop I breathe. I realize the anger as energy and not real, so it must come to an end as no energy can last forever. I commit myself to taking the position of the "lesser," the humble and patient state of beingness in interpersonal anger episodes, within this standing within the principle of what's best for all. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stabilize within best for all, and for allowing my self-interested inclination to flourish and crave to hit the anger-ball back to one-up my opponent. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my oneness and equality in moments of anger.

When and as I see myself moving my anger into my mind as internal conversation and backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that this kind of venting is an energetic reaction and participation that feeds my mind consciousness system and supports my nature as an organic robot. I commit myself to stopping the participation of internal conversation within the realization that it does not support me or what's best for all. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself realize that internal conversation does not support me as life in doing what's best for me and all. I see that it primarily only suits my self-interest in imagined outflows of continuing the energetic tennis match so that I may be able to win the fight later.

When and as I see myself angry at another person, expressed or within backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that when a point charges me enough to blame an external source for causing it, I am trying to show myself something. I commit myself to bringing all points back to myself so that I may walk the forgiveness and stand as a living walking example of self-honesty, as life doing what's best for all life, equally.

Figure out where you stand, for you: DIP Lite
Or join us on the forums to investigate your acceptances and allowances :)

Day 189 - Unintended Breath Departure

Or UBD for short, is basically when I have forgotten about my breath as I move into mind. This happens a lot, and most would say it's normal, "we all do it," or "it's human nature." Maybe so. I'm done with the preprogramed life style. Tired of the cycles of thoughts and reactions. So, to be practical about this, I must walk it all out point by point.

I'm going to focus on the most significant point I dug up the past two days. Yesterday, I sadly noticed how I've been walking process through this confirmation orientation. Very related to my externalized self-definition system, I've been kind of walking my process from the perspective of others. Now, this isn't super new. I realized it in Day 179 and several other days. The reason I say "sadly," and in general have self-frustration toward this topic of Not walking process for self, is because I've realized this before and even written SF on the point. This also came up the past two days: becoming angry at self for not succeeding in pattern-system removal on the first try.

This, and many other points related to resistance and internal self-definitions/relationships are still in the works. I've been in a routine of just writing about whatever comes up, the problem with that being how I've just been skimming the surface, delaying the self-honest self-forgiveness as I give into the resistance feelings and run to a more comfortable state of being. So with a breath and a new perspective, I write from me to me for me. Enjoy the read.

[Note: I am expanding the process of organizing these timely points in my side journal, so I do not get overwhelmed (fear of lostness) by them, and will have a plan for writing myself to freedom, one point at a time.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write for validation, placing my self-definition externally, as I write for approval and only through feedback do I see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instantly doubt myself, finding that I only trust what I can see of myself in others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself. ...Long pause here, as I go into all kinds of alterations and thinking that I should change the title so it'd be more relevant to this topic. Ahhh, it's so cool how I see myself not trusting myself while this aspect just intensifies, and I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can trust myself. Also funny that while writing about this one point, I am having many UBD's as I get side-tracked by my thoughts. Ahaha, now it's relevant again, and it stays :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow prolonged UBD's, forgetting to breathe and focus. And within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at myself and fear not being able to regain control of my directed attention, not realizing self is just a breath away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take a breath before every statement of forgiveness.
--
When and as I see myself writing in a flow where I have forgotten about me, here, within and as my breathing application, I stop I breathe. I realize that to start from breath is a point of stability. I commit myself to breathe through my self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within self-doubt thought from over-analyzing my words, trying to consider multiple others' potential perspectives, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a very habitually ingrained thought-behavior. I commit myself to not get discouraged when and as I see myself anxoius with potential judgment.

When and as I see myself within a UBD for any length of time, I stop I breathe. And from this breath, I make a decision to refocus on the initial task, or an agreement to go with the departure and return to the initial task in a reasonable amount of time.

When and as I see myself doubting that I can trust myself within my writing application, I stop I breathe. I realize I am always only a breath away from me, here. I commit myself to keep breathing. I commit myself to breathe when I am overwhelmed with thought.

Consciousness is extensive. Breath is stable. Let's do this! @ Desteni I Process



Day 188 - Finding My Breath

by Desteni Artists
Last night, I was kind of panicked thinking about how much I have to work out and still discover of my accepted and allowed lifestyle patterns. Overwhelmed and inadequate pretty much sums up my feeling. I realized that I am having an internal battle with myself  in relation to fearing nonacceptance of me by others. This problem is not to be solved within the relationship of others as I have been trying to do my whole life. This problem is solved by turning inwards to see what I have accepted and allowed within my relationship to myself. Where did I create a belief about myself as inadequate and in need of validation from others? This is a big question that I will have to solve in layers over time.

Today, I've been coming back to my breath more often than any of my days prior. There is a strength within it, more of a stability. Something I can trust.

Yesterday, as mush as I hate to admit it, I felt like I've been putting on a show within my self-forgiveness process. I've been so focused on getting it right and getting that approval from others. There have been posts that felt quite sincere as being an expression of myself, but in general, I've not been grounded within my breath. But I started this paragraph within an emotion toward myself, "hate to admit it," and this is anger. In my lesson material from DIP, there is a bit on "all anger as self anger." It rings true, but isn't immediately obvious. That's why I'm investigating!

I realize that I can always come back to the breath to stand up from within my mind. I also realize that all thoughts/feelings related to self-defeatism are of a mental participation and is not real. Only through my acceptance and allowance do these thoughts and feelings take hold.

I commit myself to take myself through process point by point. This feeling being overwhelmed and rushed is not working, so I must change to be effective. One of my favorite quotes from Lao Tzu is
"nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished." I am to be as nature within and as my physical body, within and as each in breath and out breath. One breath, one moment, one point, one process.

Tomorrow I will continue with some specific & honest expressions of self-forgiveness.

Day 187 - Continued Delay Discovery

I'm not done. Which leads me to think that, "well, if I have to write about stuff that I've already covered than I must not have already been effective." This thought tends to be followed by discouragement (like with my nails: a fall of which I still have been reluctant to stand back up from). Why? This discouragement tendency is  because of an internal relationship. Self defeatism. Unable.

Next relevant point to mind is getting ahead of myself. I'm not speaking/writing as one and equal with the living word of myself. And for this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compose words into a statement that is not one and equal as an expression of myself as life.

Here, I realize that I must not go into the reaction of disappointment, discouragement, frustration, giving-up. This is also the mind's expression. I do not allow it to direct me when and as I see it.

OK, another serious point: There is a feeling of instability within my writing. A hazy glaze at times; others, in control, clear, on point. There is a polarity here, and the feeling fluctuates within it.

So, I think I've discovered another layer: feeling good about my writing, insights, realizations, commitments vs. feeling bad about resistance to writing, lostness, not understanding, falling from commitments.

Which then leads me to think that, "have I been messing up? Have I been wasting my time? Am I unable to be effective?" Back to the beginning: Self-doubt

It's not as if I've made no progress, the flag points I've set are in effect and there is indeed overlap between process and real life. I just don't want to compromise myself any longer my making this process secondary to my 'normal' life as a system. I don't want to indulge in the carefree indulgences any longer. I don't want to fail in freeing myself from the cycles of self-abuse.

Writing isn't a magical process. It's simply me with me, moving me to be free. Haha, sounds magical.

In ways I have 'magicified' this process. I have placed it in separation of me in one way or another. I see others that are more comfortable with the self-forgiveness writing process, and somehow I keep seeing myself as behind and needing to get up to speed, but I have only ever moved myself to get up to speed when time presses me. Throughout school, time pushed me to a point of 'must do' for the tasks that I resisted. Why? Because I have been in the routine of weakness, or submission to the guilty pleasure, specifically, guilt from postponing what I know I should be doing.

I've created a fully ingrained habit for pushing aside my work for the fun side of life. Always, I look for chances to combine the two. Sometimes that looks like procrastinating one ask to get other work done. Sometimes I will decide to move into something productive because the task is social in some regard,. where my other-self reflection/definition is on the line.
--
I like how I can just flow and write as I would in my written journal for the two years before I started this JTL blog, but I realize that within this style I am just doing the fun part. I've long enjoyed self-discovery. What's relevant here is how I've defined self-forgiveness as not fun. Why? Fear of messing up = writing in separation as if the SF is not real/valid/appropriate/working. Where am I in the the SF statements? I am somewhere in the background, pushing myself to write through the resistance. Yet the resistance is linked to my ineffectiveness of separating myself from the living word....

A cycle. A positive feedback loop. If I do not become the directive principle of my words then why am I even writing the forgiveness? This is a key realization. So not only am I avoiding the depth, but the reason that I am avoiding depth is because of the resistance to process that is me actually/literally resisting process. Like we manifest our fear. Like I manifest my resistance. I didn't even realize that this experience of resistance is also literally me within resistance. I gotta stop this resistance, but first I have to find out where and why. I realize I have a long way to go to get this all out, but going to be with me and do it every step of the way.

Goal: Establish all points of resistance, all related outflows, each feeling/emotional experience, backchat, imagination, each part of me and my experience involved with each one point. That is process.

Bring self back here, and work with self practically through the turmoil and realizations. Breathe through the ups and the downs, breathe through the consequence.

I commit myself to making process a priority of my life. I no longer am going to sit back and wait for process to push me as I have been through allowing myself to wait until the last minute to compose each daily post.

When and as I see myself able to be existing for myself as what's best for me as all, I stop I breathe. Before the next moment comes into play without a full consideration for myself in that moment, I realize that I am able to direct myself and whatever direction I take there is consequence. Will I support what is best for me as life or will I compromise my self / my time?

To be continued...


From this YouTube Interview

Day 186 - Happy Be-Earth Day

Today is my birthday.


So what?

- People give me attention. I like it. Facebook has amplified this effect by making it easier for others to contact me.
- Family wants to treat me specially.
- I feel like it is a significant day more for introspective reasons and life assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need/want/like when others give me attention because it validates my existence in a way. - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the external attention I receive, where more attention = I am more. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am more than life, in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that my family will give me special treatment on my birthday. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to power trip and take advantage of the high/special position that I am placed in to dictate how things should go today, not realizing that this is an energetic resonance that I have long sought throughout my life: control. How have I missed my control freak character?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make one day, or even one moment more special than any other moment, where in this I accept and allow the mind to amplify and augment reality as I go off into it as a departure from reality here. - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to treat every day as special and significant to reflect on who I am / who I've become, so that I can direct myself to be productive and effective within every able moment.
--
When and as I see myself or a particular moment as more special than someone or some other time, I stop I breathe. I realize that my mind creates this feeling and through my participation within it, I create consequence within polarity. I commit myself to walk out of my favorite personalities/characters where I generate a conception of my self-worth in relation / comparison toward others. I commit myself to this equalization process until all is free.


Day 185 - Planning on the Fly and on the Ground

Yesterday, I revisited 'planning' and how I haven't been considering the all of the details of following through with a plan. I also found that I have been weak with the moment-to-moment planning, like with a very small window of time. Now, I'm thinking how I haven't really yet considered the planning of the long-long term. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so ambitious and disconnected from choosing one focus for my first career path. I actually haven't realized how extensively I've participated in half-ass planning my whole: The notion of being removed from my intentions, like not true to my word or myself and others.

The whole idea with moment-to moment planning is being able to structure my immediate plans for the next 5 minutes or less. For instance, I started this paragraph with the intention of explaining what I mean by moment-to-moment planning, something I'm not very well acquainted with. I usually just allow a mental flow to commence and run with it. On the fly, semi-editing my phrases and direction as I go. I do not intend to plan every action and movement...or do I? To not lose spontaneity, yet be self-directive. This is possible. I can plan to allow and not allow particular actions/reactions, and I can change my plans from a self-honest starting point assessment of my reasoning. I didn't plan the second half of this paragraph where I went into questioning myself, which leads me to believe that my curious character could use a little/lot of investigation.

Planning on the fly can only happen intentionally, or else I'm floating along planless or within this experience of vague planning. To bring the plan to the ground and consider all of the necessary aspects crucial to meeting the objective is the point that I haven't really been considering. Example: In college, I'd go out to party and meet girls, but often I didn't have an exit strategy that would successfully lead to sex. I remember imagining how bachelors must have a quiver of on-the-fly plans to be able to bring home lots of sex. Regardless of the scenario or the goal, without a plan, I get side-tracked more easily, I'm less confident, less of a leader of self and others. In my process of becoming the directive principle of this physical body, I plan to see where & when my mind leads me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not set a stable plan from moment to moment, and just going with the flow all the time, not realizing how this could get me nowhere quickly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how procrastination and vague planning is me abdicating my responsibility to be the self-directive principle of/within my life. Yesss, nailed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply go with the flow and be lead by the feelings of grandeur, excitement, curiosity, and many others, not realizing that I'm not on track in accordance to my will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider planning from a multi-dimensional perspective, where I know what I'll be doing in the next 5 minutes and how that relates to my day, month, year, life.
--

I could laugh at this photo for days. To me it symbolizes a lack of multi-dimensional planning awareness. To avoid ending up like this fellow, I commit myself to planning my day to include taking breaks and sharing moments with nature/people/pets.

When and as I see myself unintentionally going with the flow of things, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am currently not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to exposing my mind's favorite habitual directions so that I may realize how I've been existing without awareness of my breath as life.

When and as I see myself moving through a vague plan or creating one, I stop I breath. I realize that I must ask myself: who am I within enacting this plan? Without awareness of self in each moment, I am existing as a programmed organic robot. I commit myself to stop casually roboting (rotting) through existence.

Layer by layer, I commit myself to revealing all of my programs, so that I can once and for all get with the program of life, here, on Earth.

Day 184 - Effective Planning Application

In the beginning of this year (on Day 162), I had set a new year's resolution to become a better planner. Well, I later became aware (on Day 174) that setting an intention to change self based on a timeline, is an externalizing abdication of responsibility, and rather we need to internalize the responsiblity to change oneself in one, all, and every moment. It's true.

openclipart.org
My intention to become a better planner has come about through my new physical, daily task list, but I'm not 100% consistent nor comprehensive. I paid the consequence for it today by spending the whole day typing up a project that was a day late. It wasn't all bad though. I'm currently retraining myself to be able to type faster and without looking, and appreciated the practice in using the right fingers for the right keys. And Anu's story is always so fascinating: Reptilians – How I Justified taking Control of Existence - Part 84 - It was a fun interview to transcribe, but for the Spanish folk who only get to read the translation, they're going to miss out on the entertaining voice intonations! It's worth a listen. And now I'm off track...which leads my mind to another planning perspective: Moment to moment style.

For now, I am going to just reconsider Planning Applied, as planned :)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not plan my plans as a honest expression of myself. I can see myself still setting intentions outside of myself in a way were they are only considered once or a few times in the beginning, follow through = non existent.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider the entirety of action steps required for the completion of the task in contemplation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place a plan practically within a time frame in the physical. Written or typed or drawn. Mental is not acceptable because my mind is unstable...Some simple tasks can be mental, but I guess this is a point of self-honesty in knowing how I am and who I am within setting an intention. I ask myself: Is it idealized and distant? Or practical and here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my ability to get things done based within my past experience of successful procrastination. Here, I overestimate my ability and completely do not consider the consequences that came from procrastinating, i.e. less sleep, less freedom, stress, worry, general physical compromise (poor eating, nail biting, etc.), missing opportunities (social and otherwise: getting other work done, maybe attending a guest lecture). Point is, delay is not fun or cool, yet my mind likes to believe that "I can do it and get away with it, so I may has well."
--

When and as I see myself half-planning, I stop I breathe. I realize that a vague plan is really not at all a plan that is concrete or stable. I commit myself to re-educating myself on how to plan effectively. This will be done through practice and trial & error (where error's are examined).

When and as I see that I have failed to plan, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must have set another plan in separation of myself. I commit myself to not judge myself, and rather physicalize a new plan and to keep moving. To keep practicing carrying out plans is the only way I will establish the stability and comfortablity required to be an effective planner. It starts now, then, and whenever I need to do anything (which is all the time).

Here I plan, and Here I complete.

Day 183 - Going into resistance

There are several dimensions of resistance that I need to clarify here. There's the feeling of resistance that is to be pushed through when facing hard work. There's the reason for resistance as the why/how I've defined it to be 'hard' work. Ok, moving this into an outline format:

  • The feeling
    • it is undesirable
      • sleepy
      • "the last thing I want to do right now"
      • fear
    • it is accepted and allowed
      • Why?
  • The reason
    • definition toward ______
      • based in past experiences
    • fear
      • of judgment
      • of wasting time / incorrectness
  • The alternatives
    • are more fun
      • stimulate a positive reaction
    • are a distraction
      • delaying & creating compounding consequence
And that about sums it up (for now). To place this into a practical consideration: Prevent consequence by stopping the acceptance and allowance of the energetic feeling of resistance. Why do I allow resistance to direct and control my expression? It's like my dad always said, "electricity takes the path of lest resistance." That's how I imagine my mind to operate within and according to the pre-designed life I had for myself, but with the unforeseen tools of self-forgiveness and corrective writing application, I am empowered to fully understand my mind's natural operations and stand up from inside of myself within a deliberate breath, and direct myself as life.

I could just go on reacting, take the easy way, do and say whatever suits my self-interest, but where's the fun in that? I'm here to face all fear. I'm here to unravel the layering of constructed mental embodiment. Until I stand clear. Until doing what's best for all life as who I am is my natural expression through and with every breath. Until I am breathing and stable with every breath. Until then, I have work to do, and I'm not going to allow resistance to stop me. It might slow me down a little, but that's part of the consequence for allowing it to direct me for most of my life.

Goal: Run at resistance, not away from it.

Interesting how the tendency is to empower resistance by trying to ward it off with a temporary fix. You would think we'd learn all on our own that if our solution doesn't work permanently, then it's not really a solution. The answer to this dilemma is to be self-honest through time. Also, we need to know that a permanent solution exists...and if we haven't found one going into our adult years, I could imagine becoming jaded and skeptical with a hopeless submission to 'life on earth' as it is perceived to be...inescapable.

OK, back to me. I'm not jaded and skeptical...I'm enthusiastic and gullible..? Maybe lucky? Whatever. My birth conditions allowed me to hear the desteni message. And with that, I digress.

Also, interesting how I've been on a tangent, resisting getting to my self-forgiveness. So for that I say to self, "eh, eh, eh, not this time." And begin,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define resistance as more than I, allowing it to direct me and direct me and direct me, as if I am powerless to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going into an investigation of a resistance through a mere decision within a single breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I can re-direct myself within any moment through, with, in, and as my breathing. Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by the energy of resistance and not consider who I am or what I am accepting within each movement.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to forget to breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cross reference past experiences to validate and empower the resistance experience, and ultimately to submit to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be unsuccessful, and through that fear manifest the resistance that contribute to manifesting that fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how resistance is holding me back, weighing me down, and serving to move me only toward a temporary, experiential fix, not a real, permanently standing solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go for the easy, quick fix, instead of breathing and making the choice to move myself according to what the best available option is for me and ultimately for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from resistance, not realizing that this is the design of action that resistance exists for and renergizes with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into a more desirable activity for an extended period of time when I do not consider how/why I deviated from the initial task or when I plan to get back on track.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to delay and compound consequence, instead of breathing through the resistance as consequence, here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to just breathe through the feeling of resistance as consequence, instead of allowing myself to create more, new consequence through postponement.
--

When and as I see myself within resistance energy, I remember to stop and breathe. I realize that this is the most effective way to stop creating more consequence. I commit myself to stop simply allowing the energy of resistance to guide me through life.

When and as I see myself enjoying an quick fix, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am always aware of myself even to the slightest degree. I commit myself to seeing who I am within what I do in self-honesty as the awareness of myself as I breathe. Haha, this is ideal, and I can already see myself creating it in my imagination in separation of myself. SO, I breathe, and I get practical.

When and as I see myself submitting to resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that I would have to selectively consider my current circumstance or deliberately ignore/downplay aspects of my reality to allow the resistance to move me. I commit myself to investigating what I have missed or chosen to ignore/downplay in my present reality when I allow resistance. - - (Better. If I keep making commitment statements in separation as an ideal within a hope that if I say it enough it will become a part of me, I realize that I will make this process longer than if I just stick to practically working with one point at a time through real, grounded commitment statements as an expression of myself in self-honesty)

When and as I see myself creating consequence or delayed consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here to get this done, not dick around. I commit myself to working with myself seriously. Here, I realize that me 'dickin' around' = putting on a show for others. I wouldn't dick around if I was alone with myself.

When and as I see myself resisting change, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can work with the resistance in exposing me to me. I commit myself to run toward resistance and investigate it. I commit myself to no longer spend extend periods of time within a resistance re-direction where I am not aware of my breathing and my total circumstance, including all potential consequences.

When and as I see myself within postponement, I stop I breathe. I realize that there was an experience of resistance prior. I commit myself to investigating the resistance behind the postponement.

Goal: To stay focused at will.



Day 182 - Justified Aside vs Emotional Movement

Today I found how even a mental aside can be justified, so it not always strictly, mental vs physical in the context of distractions. The self-honesty factor helps to discern when an aside is justified or a waste of time. More specifically, I ask myself is this side task contribute to what is best for all? If so, does it take priority over the primary task? If not, why am I allowing self-compromise? The reasons why one would deliberately compromise self are a struggle to deal with because those are the acts that are habitual, learned, desired, and are frustratingly not best for all. They typically lead to a temporary positive reward/feeling. Ay, there's the rub.
pic link

Continuing from yesterday with relevant Self-Forgiveness, then onward to solidify the realizations of today.

Ah, firstly, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make self-forgiveness a chore of a puzzle wherein I experience resistance from a consideration/fear of how others will perceive my structure/continuity/correctness, effectively removing myself from the picture and making the forgiveness about others' perception, not writing from the heart and for myself alone. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize this point behind the experience of resistance. I now see how I can flow within self-forgiveness when I make it about me & for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not understand the why and how I let myself procrastinate instead of focusing on the next relevant point and continue my self investigation. Through that belief of not knowing, I was giving up before attempting to actually consider the why. I commit myself to stop giving into the feeling of resistance that keeps me stagnate in the moments of transcendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the unpleasant energy of resistance as "I can't," "it's too much/it's too hard," and through allowing these escape thoughts, I delay/avoid the unpleasantness instead of investigating it.

OK, design layout:

  • Temporary positive distraction
  • Temporary negative feeling placement
I see here that I've been very unstable within my relationship to doing work. I've been allowing the mental energy, without realizing it as that, to direct me within temporary emotionally driven experiences. This is a nice key to see the instability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually follow my emotions and feelings, and for not considering the whole picture - where I have allowed myself to simply seek immediate and temporary pleasures AND avoid dealing with projected dissatisfaction. This is when I place blame on something external for causing an unpleasant experience, and move away from that external object/person instead of investigating myself within that relationship. Where does the investigation lead? I guess I'll have to just wait and find out when that moment of specific self-investigation comes. (Example: like with how I started the forgiveness today: "Ah, firstly..." - that was an example of how I I found the source of the resistance toward the work/writing SF, which was not doing SF for and as me.) Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to run from the resistance and negative experiences instead of investigating them in relation to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to correctly investigate myself and so not try.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within investigating myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up before even making the effort to investigate certain particular patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this energy pattern of resistance and that I am able to go into the points of resistance within a self-honest investigation of self to determine the source of the feeling generation so that I may apply forgiveness and the corrective application statement.
--
When and as I see myself attempting to piece together and construct my self-forgiveness and corrective application writings from an externalized starting point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this creates a resistance or hesitation that I can flag point to bring self back to here. I commit myself to utilize the starting point of myself/for myself, here, when I am about to commence self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that running away from the negative experiences and toward a positive distraction is a temporary fix, wherein I do not consider what's best for all. I commit myself to address these moments of instability through careful investigation, making sure not to slip into overwhelmingness and given into the resistance of facing resistance.

When and as I see myself participating within an distraction, I stop I breathe. I, from this moment of self-honest self-awareness, discern if the side-task is justified within supporting my physical. I realize that the mental-supporting asides are energetic addictions. I commit myself to be patient with my self-investigation process, not to get frustrated by the resistance of actual self-change, and to allow myself the space-time to work out my addictions to self-compromising activities.

Today was monumental post in how it flowed from the beginning and new insight arose from the process of writing. The title started as "Justified Aside," and expanded as I opened it up more. I don't think I hit every point from yesterday that I wanted to let go of, so I'll be back.

Thanks. Enjoy your process.


Day 181 - Physical aside vs. Mental jump

Thanks Kitty!  pic from Day 10
When I don't know what to write or how to begin one of these entries, I have realized the effectiveness of just simply beginning to write. This was a particularly cool moment of deciding what to write on today because my cat helped me out. I was just beginning to get into my writing about how it is that I jump from one task to the next in a moment of even the slightest resistance toward the initial task, and my cat that I call "kitty" interrupted me. I talked back to her, "you just creep up to me, cast a single 'meow' and get my attention so easily." I realized that I was just writing about distractions, but this was a different caliber of distraction.

Physically induced aside vs Mental jump. This is what I wrote verbatim in my journal after excitingly thanking her for helping me achieve the insight that inspired today's post :)

A physical distraction is much different than my own mental thinking distractions, yet also very similar in how they both take my attention away from the present task. A physical distraction is more acceptable in my opinion, and when a physical distraction is unwanted, it's easier to say no to. A mental distraction with an energy attached, for instance, the energy of curiosity, is very easy to follow, especially when faced with a more mundane alternative, primary task.

So, the prevalent point I've been working with: "Procrastination," has a new perspective that I intend to utilize to cross-reference when I am having trouble focusing on a task or daily set of tasks.

Adding perspective:
Why do I follow the mentally induced distractions? Appealing, interesting, more interesting, don't want to forget it, fear I won't get around to it, now or never, only productive in pursuing these mental asides while procrastinating a primary task. Ok, some good stuff to work with here.

Why do I allow myself to deviate from primary task? Resistance (could be many reasons; case-by-case exploration here): Unsure, uncertain, fear of wrong, fear of criticism, fear of less than great...[note here, mental haze into vague guessing of what others will think of my writing as I bite skin on middle finger, right hand], too much work, straining. Ok, I have work to do in demystifying* external work. I've placed all sort of pre-conceived notions of experience likelihood onto external work (in separation of myself).

*"demystifying" is a vocab term I learned from Neo-Tech, a $100 book I bought from a mail-flyer when I was in 6th grade, haha. It was a very hard read that I never finished, but I pulled some pretty helpful concepts of how mind/reality operates. I consider it to be one of the first stepping stones of my truth-seeking journey. As I remember it, to demystify was essential to freeing oneself from the mind-controlled way of life where we just follow suit with the rest of the populace. ...It's actually quite like the notion behind self-forgiveness, now that I look at it. Interesting. General mindset toward Neo-Tech from outsiders: "cult," haha.

Back to here. Now in this example of writing about 'demystify' as a distraction or side-track time sink: it was physically induced through writing. I suppose I kept it going via a mental choice, but how else would I write. I am writing from the starting point of free-flow-figure-it-out, so it's chill. It's not an extensive distraction within avoidance of the primary task of writing this post.

...another distraction, physically induced by music, I started a search on YouTube for the original version of Our Day Will Come. As I was watching the video, I realized myself within the distraction, traced it back to how it started, then decided to let it keep playing in the background while I log what just happened. Back to here, I realize that I can always come back to myself to direct myself. I can always trace the source of my distraction in self-honesty. Bring self back to here is THE KEY of keys.

So, all my struggles with procrastination can come down to self remembering self here; just before writing this sentence, I started closing open tabs that I no longer needed. This was a secondary task that was physically induced by sight, after responding to the end of the song and turning on another version of the song. All it takes is that moment of "what am I doing?" "what was I doing?" Self-check.

Now, furthermore and interestingly, I've been checking myself because of the content of my writing. As I continue to develop my relationship to myself within my physical breath, I will have a more stable cross-referencing point of self-honesty. That's the goal anyways.

Regardless of the type of distraction, I realize that I can always stop, breathe, and check why I have allowed my self to move within the deviation. Sometimes, this can feel out of control / overwhelming. Self-forgiveness need be applied here for allowing the energy of overwhelmingness to take control and misguide oneself into helplessness.

Ok, enough for now. Thanks for reading, and I'll continue tomorrow with the self-forgiveness and corrective application statements.

Day 180 - Attempting to do Too Much at Once

Wow! OK. So, when I drink coffee, especially, I try to do lots of things at once. What ends up happening is a multitude of distractions and side tasks that commence, and I often take much longer to get to what I intended to do from the beginning. This is delay/procrastination, but also an ADD-like symptom of needing to always be doing something. Also, I see avoidance in how I took 3 hours doing side-tasks before I finally got to sit and write about this very design playout. Interesting how every time I face a point in me, it becomes intensified, as if to make it more clear for myself or become discouraged and submissive to it. Ah ha!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged and submissive when a personality design becomes accentuated and intensified as I begin to examine it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from particular personality designs and places them as greater and more powerful than myself, and so I submit.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as one and equal with each personality design that's amalgamated within me.
--
So this is kind of a big, primary design for me. I wrote about it on Day 2! The point of multitasking...I find that it mostly begins because of a lack of patience or willingness to wait even a single moment. If I'm not doing something I need to be doing something. Anxious to be efficient.

In the moment I make a decision to act, sometimes I don't even allow myself the time to commence. I just have another thought and move on that one. I've dealt with this for a long time, so it's no wonder that I'm still struggling with this point. It's pervasive and intrusive...and here I am separating myself from "it" again, apparently.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my anxious personality in separation of myself where I perceive it as more than, or in control of, me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself as this anxious character.
--
So, what will it take to stay focused? Ah, yes. There is a notable fear of forgetfulness. It's like I'm consumed by fear that I'll forget the new, secondary task, so mindlessly, I start doing that to get it done or at least started. The problem is that this can happen repeatedly and before I know it, I've not even started the primary intention/task and several hours have past by.

pic credit
I get overwhelmed just thinking about trying to get myself habitually on track and focused. It's not been my favored mode of existence, since...(1st memory to mind) doing math in the third grade. I enjoyed the concentration and simplicity and competitiveness to be done with my problem set first. So what's the difference (heheh, like subtraction) between my attention cohesion then and now?

I think that the key component to this equation is perceived simplicity/complexity. Rudimentary math has a clear answer, while this self-purification process seems highly complex. In reality, it may be extensive and quite involved, but the solution is simple: Self-honesty and self-forgiveness. Hmm, why then does self-change seem so hard to do? I could come up with a ton of reasons, but they're all just excuses...fascinating.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive process from the perspective of difficulty instead of breathing and realizing that I MUST walk one point at a time, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not remember to do the secondary tasks, and that I have not allowed myself to simply write it down and bring my focus back to the primary task.

That is the key. If all I did was commit myself to write down what comes to mind and act only within the direction that I have already set out for myself, I will have overcome this tendency to allow the mind to direct me. This is too extensive for one commitment to be simply stated. I have more to explore before I can seriously commit myself to this application. I do not want to create a bunch of compounding consequence of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to uphold my commitments, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to make a commitment from an energetic starting point instead of investigating and clearing the relationship(s) to make a stable choice of self-direction that stands throughout all of time.
--
When and as I see myself moving from task to task, within and before completing my primary task, I stop I breathe. I realize this is my mind within an avoidance/ADD pattern. I commit myself to recognizing and becoming well acquainted with this dimension of myself. When and as it becomes unbearable, I remember to breathe. I understand what it is to be the self-directive principle. I commit myself to writing where & why I allow secondary tasks to commence with a dismissal of my previous & primary direction.

For the most part, I am still opening up my relationship to "Attention Deficit Disorder" (not that I actually think I have a "disorder" that needs treatment in the form of pills. I have the tools of self-forgiveness and breath to help me focus and permanently change my attitude/attention as my work ethic). Chipping away, one bite at a time, no more running, here I go! :)

Day 179 - Self Pride

I've clarified for myself that I am walking several dimensions of my procrastination character. In the past month I've opened a lot up but I haven't been seeing it through. I have been advised by my DIP Buddy to write out and complete one point at a time, as this is the general general suggestion that has worked for those that have already been walking process for longer than I. It makes sense cause, once it's done, it's done and no time is being wasted trying to energetically maintain a physicalized idea of self-change. This is what I did for the month after I "stopped" biting my nails. Obviously, there are many more layers that I need to investigate/discover and work through (forgive and correct) before I can stabilize within real self-change. I have had success stopping habits (alcohol & drugs) without addressing all of the layers behind it, but I will need to dig up and let go of any attachments to memories, because currently, I am suppressing various mental images because I haven't spent the time to investigate the source of accepted/allowed self-definitions & fears.

Yesterday, I started looking at how disappointment in myself has been an accepted and allowed barrier to changing myself. Today, I'm going to balance the negative energy with the polar opposite positive energy: Pride. I haven't written a whole lot about any positive energies, mostly due to being unfamiliar with how to and/or not wanting to let go of them, but I'm ready to start.
cc

So, pride hasn't been realized as a barrier to productivity yet so I'm going to explore a bit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be prideful when I make other happy or think positively of me.

Haha, ok, that opened up a clear path. My mind went straight to how I place an emphasis on making others proud of me, and then to how that is a limitation within an authentic expression of myself within doing work. There is forgiveness to be done here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in how others see me and my work efforts, such that I miss myself and do work because of others. I have long only worked for others' positive judgments of myself. Ahh. (breath out)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and value on how others view my work, where in doing this I am not working directly for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work for others' judgments about me, not for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to please others first and foremost, and define success by how well others are pleased and happy because of me and my actions.

Dang, I literally defined success as making others pleased with my performance rather than simply considering myself only. By only considering how my actions feel within me in self-honesty, there is no point of comparison to feed pride to the ego, whereas when the starting point and emphasis is on other, I am ego within comparison. Look how fun this is to just write and self-realize shit :)

I think this mostly started in childhood, you know, trying to please the parents. There is a link to Day 62 that needs to be here, and I will continue to work with pride later on. I'm working on productivity related concepts at the moment, remember?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work for others reactions that I could internalize as validation/proof that my actions were right/successful, and ultimately that I am right and successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the chance to work with positive energies and hence limit myself investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in other's opinions of me and undervalue or even completely miss my self-honest opinion of myself in the process.
--
When and as I see myself being lazy because I am faced with no opportunity to please others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the only person that needs to be pleased by me within self-honesty, meaning that I am considering all aspects of how my action(s) are effecting everything and is best for all within that common sense consideration. I commit myself to redefining why I do work, so that I am working for me alone within the reference point of 'best for all.'

I commit myself to stop placing others before me to determine if I am successful.

I commit myself to take on my pride character, piece-by-piece, patiently, and miss nothing.

I commit myself to pleasing myself :)

Day 178 - Disappointment of oneself

Yesterday, I decided to take a real, close look at how it is that I keep trying to hide from myself. There are plenty of layers here, and I'm not going to allow myself to get overwhelmed by trying to decipher everything all at once. I am breathing as I write this continuation, where the focus is forgiving self for the conflict and frustration toward myself for my moments of weakness. Addiction is a prevalent point here as well, that can wait for tomorrow as I breathe and walk one point at a time :)
photo credit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself through not being able to stand strong and direct myself in the moment of change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that standing up within and for myself in the moment of change is not effectively accomplished through self-anger and the variants of experience including but not limited to disappointment, shame, and regret.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the inclination to become upset with myself for not standing as an absolute example of what's best for all always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by allowing myself to be within the emotional experience of self-anger or disappointment toward myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as disappointment, not considering or realizing this as a mind participation moment, stopping, breathing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember to just breathe and direct myself according to what is common sense in that moment, that which is best for me and all equally.
--
When and as I see myself becoming of disappointment, anger, frustration, regret, shame within and toward myself, I stop I breathe. I realize this does not serve me and is of a mind consciousness programming that I've accepted and allowed myself to copy from others while growing up. I commit myself to the simple recognition of this design play out. Within this, I commit myself to leave no stone unturned in my self-investigation process, and with a steadfast, persistent examination of each layer, I do not stop to feel disappointed for my past/present allowances.

When and as I see myself hung up on self-pity and the like, I stop I breathe. I realize this is only worsening my situation by existing within self-judgment instead of self-direction within and of the moment of awareness of my breath. I commit myself to purse the layers within and behind my attempts to hide from myself, until I am clear and effective within self-application in every moment. Patience. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and create another energy that will fade as this is the starting point of disappointment of myself...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so disappointed and ashamed of myself through failing to stop my fingernail biting habit that I've retreated or receded from further investigation through fear of failing again. This is why I must no longer allow the energy of disappointment to dictate my physical action(s).

I commit myself to keep moving within my process and flag pointing everything that gets in my way!

Day 177 - Trying to Hide

Desteni Artwork by Andrew Gable


If I wasn't so committed within myself to write everyday, I wouldn't be here writing this right now. I've been looking for distractions as if I was going crazy...I think I am crazy, and I'm just starting to really see it. I've been accepting and allowing myself to run and hide from myself most of today. What's fascinating me is that I've been doing this for a much longer time than just today. It's scary to think about. It invokes shame, regret, disappointment...

There seems to always be more, but even within this statement, I am holding myself back from the specific facing of each point through a design of saying "too much for me to see clearly" (in between the lines), and so warrant myself to give up on myself. This is some bullshit. I no longer allow this self-abuse to continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I've been giving up on myself within the thought that there is too much to be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and disengage when faced with an apparent circumstance where too much is at play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to fear and run from what's practically here when it seems like too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe and return to myself here, realizing that the feeling of too much is simply another reaction of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my reactions toward responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to escape from my reactions, not realizing that they are just compounding and becoming accentuated within and through delay.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for what I've allowed, not realizing how this anger is a reaction that isn't best for all. With the anger, I hold myself back from being effective within anything. Within the breathing application, I stabilize and direct myself as an equal and one participant with life in doing what's best for all.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not do what's best for me in every moment. I realize this is a process of becoming aware of my physical body through and as breathing, and so I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to run from my problems.

Temporary solutions are not solutions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is permissible to just try to cover up and hide my allowances within self. This is unacceptable. Take a look at the whole picture. How does this moment's action contribute to the whole/end game? Wasting my time with media and distractions is not much different than using drugs and alcohol. I am trying to hide that I am running from my problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and hide from myself that I am trying to run and hide from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from myself in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remember to breathe and direct myself in alignment with what is best for me and all. Until this is the dominant habit of my living expression, I write. I write my experience, share it with the world (because that's cool), and I face each and every inner dynamic of my being until I am wholly aligned with the best for all principle. Any thing less than best for all is not what I want.

Basically, it's time to grow up and become responsible for every aspect of myself. This is my mission. This is what I will wake up with in mind. I commit myself to stop running from my responsibility toward myself and all. I commit myself to stop trying to hide that I am hiding/running. I commit myself to practically applying myself within these words.

When and as I see myself trying to run, then trying to hide that I'm running, then try to hide that I'm hiding that I'm running, I stop I breathe. I realize that getting angry with myself is only another mental friction that I have also been trying to hide. I commit myself to stop hiding, running, and reacting toward the running and hiding with anger that I have tried to hide.

When and as I see myself within the experience of too much and move to run/hide this, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not effectively circumventing the situation as it simply compounds/delays the consequence. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see this pattern earlier, and for getting angry at myself for not having seen this pattern earlier.

Until here and no further, I commit myself to stop delaying without concern or consideration for the sum total of consequences that I am accumulating through postponement.

I commit myself to walking the multiple dimensions of this delay character that finds it permissible to postpone the inevitable facing of myself here. Because I am compromising what I can make of myself with every moment that I throw away in repetitive patterns of self-abuse.

I commit myself to breathe. Keep breathing. Keep moving.

I realize this isn't an overnight process, and while it may take some time to sort this all our for myself, this is not to be used as an excuse for further delay. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use this realization of non-instant self-transformation as an excuse to procrastinate. I commit myself to keep getting back up and on track within each and every breath. Write.

Day 176 - Point of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on within the same pattern of media consumption and ignoring my daily task list.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accentuate this point of change, believing it has a residual power that is larger than I, the creator of this internal conflict/friction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand equal as the point of change and with all associated energies that contribute to my downfall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not will myself to write about my limiting experience in that moment, and instead go deeper into delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am showing myself my accepted and allowed relationships through my habitual behavior patterns. I realize that I am my greatest teacher when I listen to my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be mindful of my habitual patterns, and when I am, I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept myself within it instead of stopping, breathing, and moving through the resistance in the point of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to follow the belief that "I have lots of time, I can do it later."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself in self-judgment for repeatedly falling into a familiar and undesirable habitual, physical pattern.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become equal and one with the point of change and all associated energies that contribute to the equation of my resulting behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to just go with the flow of my mind's desire, a.k.a., take the easy way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a fast learner to the point that I get frustrated with myself when I am not creating change within myself at a quick pace.

--

When and as I see myself in self-judgment related to falling, failing, not learning quickly, or changing instantly, etc., I stop I breathe. I realize that my reaction toward myself is of mind and not assisting myself in standing one and equal with all parts and becoming the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to educating myself at a pace unrelated to anyone else's pace where in that I do not participate in reactions of being a (+)fast learner or a (-)slow learner.

When and as I see myself willingly accepting and allowing myself to waste my time without consideration of my daily responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that this only really occurs when I do not set a hard time-stop agreement that practically places a limitation on pass-times for myself. I commit myself to commence an action plan so that I know where I'm going next and know what to do when my self-agreed amount of fun-time is over, so that I may practically direct myself instead of just going "ah, just one more game."

When and as I see myself acting recklessly with my time, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a moment requiring brutal self-honesty to stand within and as self-change in relation to using time wisely. I commit myself to writing this behavior pattern our for myself to see clearly, disengage from it, and to continue to press on with this process of perfecting the self. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to hold myself back with feeling constructs that I do not understand. I commit myself to understanding all acceptances and allowances of/within my beingness and living the correction.

I commit myself to stabilize within the point of change, applying self-change effectively, and investigating when I do not.

openclipart

Day 175 - Media & Entertainment


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not acknowledge how I am compromising myself through entertainment.

My biggest fall point in relation to getting work done is the satiating enjoyment of entertainment. Akin to zoning or spacing out, media allows me the opportunity to just let go and mindlessly consume mental stimulation. Here, though, this mental stimulation is not inherently bad. I am compromising myself because of the satiating factor: I long for it, I desire & fiend for it.

For example, drinking alcohol isn't the same as drinking recklessly. To enjoy a movie, television show, or video game responsibly is not the issue I am trying to capture here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear; fearing that I will not be able to overcome the desire to stop indulging in media/entertainment, placing the point outside of and larger than myself. This stops here.

To force oneself to stay in directive control is no easy process, yet it is entirely simplistic: Set goals, and don't allow self to deviate from the plan until the goal is finished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility toward myself within setting a goal AND moving self to complete it, while assessing in self-honesty, when I deviate.

I realize that I can change my starting point within any application. I realize that I may allow myself to indulge in media & entertainment within a self-honest agreement with self. I understand that when I disregard my goals and responsibilities as I move into neglect as I indulge in media & entertainment, I am not being honest with myself and am creating a necessary consequence for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I must stop my reluctance character, where I been disabling me from writing about this topic in fear of having to let go of that which I am not ready to let go.

This character design spans far and wide

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my irresponsible behavior within media and entertainment usage, and holding onto the perception that I must completely stop if I am to face this point.

When and as I see myself engaging media/entertainment without a self-honest agreement with self, I stop I breathe. I realize this is the point of change. I commit myself to uncovering and disengaging this character that likes to hide from consequence within distraction.

Ok, this is just an opening for today. I will continue tomorrow with investigating the multidimensional aspects of how I've oriented toward the use of media and entertainment.

Day 174 - No more New Year's Resolutions


"Don't let change get date raped" - Matti Freeman


New Year's Re-Solution : Recycled Solution...
English: New Year's Resolutions postcard
English: New Year's Resolutions postcard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
It's easy to forget that we committed to change so long ago (15 whole days!!)

This is a really interesting post for me. When I started this new year, I made 2 reasonable new year's resolutions: Be a more effective planner and, at some point, stop biting my nails. I didn't see the harm in utilizing a year change to motivate myself to change.

I have come to realize how by doing this, I compromise myself within change by pinning it to a particular date/time outside of myself, here.

This is a key.

Basically, if I change within the year's change, I am not only requiring an external definition for self-change, I'm also hindering my ability to change at ANY given moment.

This random free-use picture is nicely illustrating the perspective of someone ineffective, not armed with self-forgiveness, nor the awesome support offered by the Desteni group. Support yourself by investigating to understand real self-change and not end up asking: "What more can a poor man do?"

How about stop pretending to be a poor man and stand up for yourself by living real self-change absolutely!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change myself by depending on an externalized point, such as a new year, instead of realizing myself as the directive principle of self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the start of a new year can help me change, not realizing that only I can help me change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the the moment of change exists in each moment of applying that change, not just one moment in the past/future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to change within one breath, every breath, as me standing up inside myself within breath always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dis-empower myself through the design of hope, in that this year or this time, I will make a change because last time/last year, I wasn't able to.

When and as I see myself placing value within an something external to aid me in changing myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that true self-change happens inside myself and results in an everlasting agreement with myself. I commit myself to continue to acquaint myself with absolute change, where real, internal commitments with self stand eternally.

I commit myself to eternally standing within the principle of oneness and equality such that I will walk process until it is done, and then continue to assist and support all as me in realizing Self.

When and as I see myself inclined to make a new year's resolution with the rest of the people in my environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a moment of separation where I am placing the responsibility of change, at least in part, separate from me by giving it to the new year. I commit myself to investigating why I haven't already made the self-change in question. I commit myself to writing out the pattern of the desired self-change so that I can walk within real self-change absolutely.

When and as I see myself doubting that I can make a change in one moment of one breath that stands absolutely in all moments within every breath, I stop I breathe. Here, I realize my direct responsibility for myself and what I've accepted and allowed myself to become. I commit myself to not shy away from my acceptances and allowances, breathe, and direct myself in alignment with what's best for all life, no longer allowing the energy to direct me.

I commit myself to showing others that the process of self-perfection is real & possible. That no solution to our real problems can be due to the change of a calendar date. That we are all individually responsible to stand absolute in self-change made within, as and for self. I commit myself to exemplify this process of self-change for all.

Thanks, you're welcome, and to all a goodnight.

Day 173 - Delving into my mind's favorite escapes

Continuing from Day 172 - Glazing Over & Day 171 - Zoned Out Episodes


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I depart into a day dream.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that is it ok/harmless to wander off into my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that zoning out can be a beneficial recharge for the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become intrigued and invested in my mental wanderings, believing that it is warranted/justifiable because the end result may lead to a positive experiences of insight/realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move from physical task, to physical task without realizing the mental spacing out that happens in between, where I blindly follow along. I have referred to this process as side-tracking or "tangenting."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated with myself for getting side tracked instead of realizing how I became side tracked within self-honesty and stopping the mind's desire to automatically wander on to the next interesting/enjoyable thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unintentionally prioritize mental escapes when faced with work/resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is difficult to remain here and always present, and for allowing myself to use this as an excuse to give in to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to just zone out because it's easy and not tasking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect spacing out & comfortable/easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect breathing in physical awareness & difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to space out when listening to another speak. Within this, I forgive myself that I allow myself to become more fascinated with my own thoughts and/or fear not responding well. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear just being myself when in conversation with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being present and with my breath because I could get hurt when doing physical activities while participating in a mental augment/adventure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider myself within each breath that I take. This will be a process, and while I keep coming back to my breath, I commit myself to working through and facing all self-created points of fear that may stand in my way to self-realization, here.

I commit myself to recognizing and stopping a mental tangent escapade as quickly as I can. Within this, I commit myself to investigate why I was so fascinated to begin following my mind into the abyss in the first place to be able to effectively apply self-forgiveness for that point.

When and as I see myself resisting a task I have planned to do, I stop I breathe. I realize this is the point where I allow my mind to wander and distract me. I commit myself to not get overwhelmed within trying to stop this by remembering the simplicity of the self-assistance tool of taking a breath.

When and as I see myself faced with work, moving toward a distraction, and becoming overwhelmed with my choice to follow the distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have repeatedly been disabling myself from effectively bringing myself back on track within not realizing that the experience of overwhelmed/too difficult is just another allowed mental outflow of a relationship I have not yet explored in detail. This is a key. The key is and has been breathing. I stop, I breathe. I see my mind moving me. I stop. I, I breathe. I continue to breathe and direct myself with intention. I commit myself to stopping all emotional movements. I commit myself to not get angry at/toward self when I accidentally allow myself to participate within/from emotion, not realizing that anger is yet another equal, reactive emotional experience of mind participation.

When and as I see myself enthused with my own thinking when conversing with others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have not wanted to give this up, and will require to continually assess why/where I place value in my thinking processes that are in separation from physical space-time. I commit myself to continue my mental-self investigation.