Day 176 - Point of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on within the same pattern of media consumption and ignoring my daily task list.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accentuate this point of change, believing it has a residual power that is larger than I, the creator of this internal conflict/friction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand equal as the point of change and with all associated energies that contribute to my downfall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not will myself to write about my limiting experience in that moment, and instead go deeper into delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am showing myself my accepted and allowed relationships through my habitual behavior patterns. I realize that I am my greatest teacher when I listen to my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be mindful of my habitual patterns, and when I am, I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept myself within it instead of stopping, breathing, and moving through the resistance in the point of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to follow the belief that "I have lots of time, I can do it later."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself in self-judgment for repeatedly falling into a familiar and undesirable habitual, physical pattern.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become equal and one with the point of change and all associated energies that contribute to the equation of my resulting behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to just go with the flow of my mind's desire, a.k.a., take the easy way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a fast learner to the point that I get frustrated with myself when I am not creating change within myself at a quick pace.

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When and as I see myself in self-judgment related to falling, failing, not learning quickly, or changing instantly, etc., I stop I breathe. I realize that my reaction toward myself is of mind and not assisting myself in standing one and equal with all parts and becoming the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to educating myself at a pace unrelated to anyone else's pace where in that I do not participate in reactions of being a (+)fast learner or a (-)slow learner.

When and as I see myself willingly accepting and allowing myself to waste my time without consideration of my daily responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that this only really occurs when I do not set a hard time-stop agreement that practically places a limitation on pass-times for myself. I commit myself to commence an action plan so that I know where I'm going next and know what to do when my self-agreed amount of fun-time is over, so that I may practically direct myself instead of just going "ah, just one more game."

When and as I see myself acting recklessly with my time, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a moment requiring brutal self-honesty to stand within and as self-change in relation to using time wisely. I commit myself to writing this behavior pattern our for myself to see clearly, disengage from it, and to continue to press on with this process of perfecting the self. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to hold myself back with feeling constructs that I do not understand. I commit myself to understanding all acceptances and allowances of/within my beingness and living the correction.

I commit myself to stabilize within the point of change, applying self-change effectively, and investigating when I do not.

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Day 131 - Fear of stopping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the positively charged indulgences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the negatively associated indulgences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the mind and ending the pursuit of a higher energetic experience stimulus.

^ This is the point that I want to capture. It's broadly applied as the ending of the seeking a positive reward. A bunch of things come up. For me the first ones that come up are: taste of candy, taste of certain foods, sexual orgasm, winning video games, feeling of tobacco/drugs/alcohol, looking physically fit, successful status in society, parents, and peers eyes, and so on.

The problem with these experiences is that they dominate my time. If I'm being self-honest and responsible within my relationship to completing work, I can certainly still allow myself to enjoy life.  So the real issue here is self-direction vs mind-direction.  The moment of allowing my mentally impulsed desire to manifest into decision, directing me, instead of me moving from the awareness of my breath and doing what I know needs to be done. How do I know what needs to be done?

It's all about building structures of support for myself and then for others. Building support structures within the principle of Best for All, is it. So, when my time is being directed by my mind to get a simple positive reward, I realize I am mind-controlled. I commit myself to standing up within my desire, just as a fear, and laughing at it, giving perspective to it, and breathing...I stop I breathe.

And when the common sense direction isn't clear, I ask myself:

How can I best use my time right now that is supportive to myself, and ultimately all?

..to be continued.