Day 130 - Fear of inaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear action. In this, I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for myself and my fears that I have allowed to move me and/or keep me from acting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is real through my acceptance of it within me and as my directive force.

When and as I see myself move to the marching beat of a repetitive fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that my attachment to the fear is an accumulation of past experiences, and I commit myself to identifying my fear constructs that do not serve me in any way and releasing them with self-forgiveness. In this, I move me. I move myself with awareness of the fears as I stand up from within them, laugh at them, equalize with them, and direct myself through the resistance as fear that I have created to protect me from fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear, fear itself.

I commit myself to recognizing the fears that move me into delay/procrastination, so that I no longer allow them to simply direct me towards inaction.

I commit myself to showing that I stand as an example of fearless pursuit of supporting what is best for all life. Through this process, I share my understanding of oneness and equality so that others may take action and stand up to support themselves and all others within the equation of equality to collectively stop accepting and allowing the system of inequality and abdication of self-responsibility for our world system.

I commit myself to releasing fear and becoming effective within all applications of will.

Day 129 - Fear of Participating in Discussion


Throughout my life, there has existed a fear of participating. For instance, in the classroom, I would keep my hand down and seldom participate only when I was comfortable. Typically, I was sitting in fear that I wouldn't be intelligent. And the fear pattern has never gone away. I really have just allowed the fear to keep me silent or not shut up. I over participate in discussion when I'm confidently in the know, so that I can't be wrong. I forgive myself for allowing me to fear being wrong or insubstantial within my responses to others in any type of discussion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate in discussion because I have been fearful of looking stupid or being judged as having an inadequate answer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the fear of disapproval as self-judgment and so shy away from expressing my voice as an equal participant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the maintenance of a positive self-image such that I can portray to others that I am valuable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others won't see me as valuable or as having a valuable opinion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the fear that other may judge me negatively by suppressing my thoughts/opinion.

This point can be expanded upon and will be as I write more and reflect on my past behavior in the situation of collaborative discussion.

When and as I see myself shying away from participating in a discussion, I stop, breathe and bring myself back to the discussion topic. I realize that I am compromising my self-expression by entering into the backchat as internal conversation in my mind, contributing to and compounding the starting point of fear energy. I commit myself to recognizing when I depart from the moment of active participation by flag pointing the fear-driven thoughts where I am doubting myself through placing myself in imagined scenarios where others disapprove of or invalidate my opinion.

I commit myself to self-honest self expression. When this is too challenging, I commit myself to writing about the resistance, about why have I gone into internal backchat.

I commit myself to stopping the allowance of going into mind energy participation, and begin participating equal and one with the group in discussion.

I commit myself to realizing when I am suppressing my expression within the fear that others will judge me. I understand this fear as projection of self judgement. I commit myself to stopping self-judgment with the consistent application of self-honesty, breath and self-forgiveness.

Day 128 - Embarrassed by my fears

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the details of my resistance toward facing my fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become embarrassed or ashamed of the fears that I've allowed within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop the pursuit of getting to the root of my fears because I am afraid to admit them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as "weak" or "fearful" when I consider writing about my fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that fear is manifested within me as layers over layers and that I must persistently work through the current layer of fear to consistently apply myself within this process of letting it all go through the writing of specific self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself shutting down the self-investigation of fear because I am embarrassed to admit that the fear exists, I stop and breathe. I realize that I cannot remove the fear by suppressing it or denying it. I commit myself to push through this specific moment of resistance, so that I may continue to persist in decoding my fear constructs.

I commit myself to writing about how and why I am resisting to write about my fears (i.e. Today's post!)

I commit myself to examining the details of my resistances as not to allow them to overwhelm me into abdicating my responsibility of self-direction. I commit myself to stop simply allowing resistance/delay to take the wheel and steer me without consideration of Life and Equality therein.

I commit myself to taking that first step of admitting that I have specific fears so that I may face them. I understand that our typical reaction to fear is to hide it and this is because we don't know how to handle fear. Of course, I am speaking from my own experience and perspective. The experience of fear is uncomfortable, so the natural flow would be to shift out of it, ignore it, down play it, suppress it, sidestep or just refocus on something else with a more positive note. Now, I understand the pattern of re-emergence of fears, such that if I don't face them and forgive them, they come back. I commit myself to systematically facing fear, and to stop allowing energy to direct me into illusionary safe havens.

Commence mission: Face every fear.

Day 127 - Just getting by

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to taking shortcuts, where I have positively defined the experience of 'good enough' and 'least amount of work'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get by with the least amount of work and fail to consider how I have compromised myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how I've been compromising myself by allowing the resistances to move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am smarter by resisting resistances and taking shortcuts.

When and as I see myself considering taking a short cut, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am probably compromising myself within a justification where I am not being self-honest. I commit myself to self-honestly assessing the implications of taking a short cut.

I commit myself to stop the positively defined experience of just getting by as doing the least amount of work to be good enough.

I commit myself to stop allowing my resistances to move me through apparent 'choice' as avoidance of what I don't want to look at or do.

I commit myself exposing my self-beliefs, like being smart, so that I may see for myself how I've built up layers of justification for my limited perspective.

Day 126 - Some fears

- Fear of moving slowly or not picking it up fast. This is connected to my self-definition of being a fast learner, smart(er than others), and fear of death or loss of time as wasted opportunity.

Here, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear running out of time because I can't get my act together quickly enough.

Here, I breathe, and commit myself to remember to return to my breath when I am lost in an energetic experience. And I realize just how gripping these experiences can be (i.e. telling myself to stop biting my nails while consistently and continually refusing to obey my will), so this matter of stopping within breath and directing myself is an grandiose challenge and yet simplistically a matter of common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse myself by flipping between the polar perspectives of 'should do' and 'shouldn't do' wherein I compromise my awareness of myself as life where only common sense is acted on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my mind would just stop and remove myself from the responsibility that must and will be considered as I walk out of my illusionary reality mind creations and into the one physical dimension, where I stand for equality of all physical components.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this process can happen automatically, and I forgive me for allowing myself to fear that I can't (do it myself).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't be able to stand up in the face of my fears and resistances or that I will fail in trying.

I re-commit myself to this process of writing myself out. I see now that automatizing this process is not an option, that it is not a point and click, easy install (or rather uninstall), and I have my work cut out for me within taking responsibility for all of my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the end...to fear the end of my limited existence as the programs in my mind that I've so long trusted to guide me through my life experience.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize how I have been creating this world experience within my mind, and not realizing how I've been creating without me being present. I simply just went with the flow and stuck to positive thinking as it seemed to work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my innards as the inner workings of my mind that aren't positive and that have contributed to my life experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse positive thinking to live on a cloud, or a positively augmented version of reality that I closely identified with. I thank myself for recognizing this point.

And now, I forgive myself for falling into the intensifying energy addiction of mind as positive and negative experience, and not standing as the end of me as my abusive, self-interested method of life.

I commit myself to standing absolute.

I commit myself to taking into consideration the points of which I repeatedly fall into without any conscious physical direction (like nail biting and entertainment/delay), so that I may work out for myself the relationship to the point and walk the forgiveness and corrective application.

Thanks to all.

Day 125 - Pacing Process


As I walk along this path with Desteni, I've been experiencing a lot of resistance. Sometimes I even wonder if I had not lived by the self-definition of "truthseeker," I would have bailed by now, but even this thought is charged by my mind, looking for ways to separate myself from others. So, I'm sticking to my guns, because once you have them in your hands, letting go is giving up. I can't go back to normal mind-energy indulgence levels, but moving forward is not easy either. It like having to re-learn life or something...from scratch

Well, not quite from scratch. I get to work the self-perfection tools so kindly presented by Desteni, and I work with myself to rebuild my relationship alignments (who I am in relation to anything). So far, I've specifically chosen how to 'handle' my relationships for maximum advantage within self-interest because I realized that as success based on the positive feelings. So, my sense of self had always been constructed by, as & within that positive feeling. And so I moved toward increasing my perception/awareness and my ability to see and understand how I can influence more situations across contexts. So my life emphasized the process of building myself to be greater. One example of how is the notion of abstraction, where I would seek the generalized knowledge that could be applied to many situations to come. I'm sure that's not an unfamiliar concept, but I like "owned" it. I created myself to believe myself to be smart and able, WHILE always tucking away the doubts and fears that I am actually less than others or less than able or missing a piece of the knowledge puzzle (dumb).

So, this Desteni I Process that I'm knee deep in is forcing me to look at myself and my daily behaviors so that I will begin to take full responsibility for everything of my life, something I've never thought mattered a whole lot. I used to think that as long as I could be on the up-side of my interactions, I will have money and be successful for my whole life. Now, that equality has entered the picture, oneness too, I have no more wiggle room to bullshit around. I didn't realize how addicted I am to dickin around until work is thrown at me, and now I have a lot of work. Responsibility goes up, work goes up. Seeing this as a bad thing is the leading procrastination factor for me.

To break down why I see work as negative: Lazy feels good. Lazy is easy. Lazy is free (haha). Lazy is me.

I've always wanted to get ahead in life without having to work hard. That's not going to work, so my pre-self-direction path of being smart and living off of others not being smart (a general conception of how I used to operate), simply won't do. Desteni has shown me oneness and equality, and I can't go back because that's it. When I'm on my death bed, I'll have wanted to done all I could have to make this world closer to perfect. I want to have done my part. So, to re-realize my power within equality is not a simple process. It's ugly. It's me though too.

Here I am, writing through resistance (though it's not cleared yet, no). And if I want to achieve my death bed goals, I need to continually assess my starting points within actions and thoughts. In doing this I can check my alignment on the scale from self-interested entertainment time-waster, to living equality as whats best for myself and others in terms of living to effectively support all life on Earth.

Specific self-forgiveness and corrective application statements to follow.


Day 124 - Separation Shopping

I'm pretty much forcing this post out. I'm thinking of whether or not I should try to satisfy my greed character by participating in Black Friday. I see it as an adventure of watching consumerist zombies rampage, while I also fight to save a buck. So, it's like half entertainment, half work. It's a curious use of time. To willingly wait in line for the experience and maybe save some money, which is an interesting design of itself. It's like, somehow, if I think that I am aware of how They are controlling me, then it's ok to go for the deals. I hate the thought of supporting the consumerism character within me and of this world. And so,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to negatively judge myself and others for contributing to the current economic platform that we've been conditioned to participate in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize or understand how I've been conditioned to participate in the spending of money on deals, especially on Black Friday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others with the thought that, "these deal hunters are crazy and weird."

I forgive myself for not realizing, accepting or allowing myself as one and equal with the crazy/weird deal hunters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am different from the crazy deal hunters through thinking that 'their out of control with varied levels of intensity.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself as equal as the statement of being 'out of control with my attraction toward deals.'

When and as I see myself separating myself from others through a judgment of a generalized population, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am simply making an attempt to separate myself from the negatives I see in others and others' behaviors to exist only within the positively ego oriented experience of myself. And so, I commit myself to stop allowing myself to separate myself from myself through the judgment of seeing people that have apparently lost control to the system whereas I have not. I realize that I too have lost control to the system where I see it in others as a reflection of myself. No separation.

I commit myself to understanding the aspects of myself within consumerism and the current economic system, and to no longer think that I am above it and in control. That is self-dishonesty. With my breath, I shall shop and assess my application of self-honesty within self-realizing specific points of allowed separation.

Day 123 - Stuck In Idealized Intention

This past weekend, I took a trip back down to school to visit my remaining 'homies.' It was worthy trip despite the rainy weather and busy peer schedules. I had set the intention to re-examine my life from the varied perspective of being back in the college scene 5 months after graduating. Well, I quickly snapped back into my old habits, almost as if I hadn't left. Still, I placed priority on socializing over my homework/writing process. Here, is where I typically would get upset for failing myself, but instead, this time, I'm going to break it down!

The pros/cons approach to self-guidance, is kind of slippery. By that, I mean it is unstable or wavering in light of new or made-up information. So, I have a pattern of setting an ideal intention without considering the entire picture. Like a vague commitment, I passively lie to myself to feel good about decision up front, and fail to consider the space-time requirement of completion.Like, I don't really want to do the work, but it sure would be great to. Polarity friction within mind.
Starting point: idealized intention. A self-dishonest, cheater-like state where I can tell myself that I can be or do anything without considering the work involved. Separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I've been placing vague commitments as a weak starting point for self-direction and self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself through setting these hollow intentions without even considering the work required to follow through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be okay with lying to myself through incomplete and ambitious intention setting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set goals for myself with half a heart, set myself up for disappointment, and still believe that I am almighty and powerful in my ability to create, when all I'm successfully creating is the image/thoughts of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mind through creating an alternate reality, convincing myself that it is valid and can be true, and then not following through.

--

When and as I see myself making vague commitment of which I do not consider all the action steps and related factors, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am compromising myself by diluting my confidence in my creative ability. I commit myself to being thorough with my commitments.

I commit myself to being real with my commitments, taking into consideration all of the space-time that may need to be allocated, so that my intention is grounded in the confidence that I know I can and will get it done.

I commit myself to stop lying to myself.

I commit myself to stop hiding from myself that I am lying to myself through time.

I commit myself to self-honestly assessing my intentions and motivations.

Day 122 - Vacation to the past

Soon, I will embark on a six hour drive to visit my college buddies. It's been 5 months since I've graduated and left it all behind. It was a shocking experience to move from high social stimulus to low. There is much more time when I'm not involved in multiple daily relationships, but that time can lead to an experience of just rotting away, as only I am pushing myself. No school schedule or social schedule to keep things moving fast.

So, going back to visit my remaining friends will be a blast from the past. My goal this weekend is to compare the lifestyle differences to see how I have changed or not changed. How have my relationships changed or not changed? What did I miss most? Least?

It's going to be interesting, at least for me it will be. So stay tuned to see how I answer these above questions, and forgive points of my past behavior/personality that have lain dormant since I've moved back home.

University of California, Santa Barbara

Day 121 - Continuing the illusion

The process of walking out of the mind is like breaking down the illusion through self-forgiveness inspired realizations of self. The realization isn't enough to stop the illusion which is why we are instructed to write the corrective application statements and live them. If I'm aware of a certain facet of my mode of operation, and do nothing about it, realization will not automatically equate to change.

The desires are the positive; the fears, negative. These illusions are created by our minds and seem as real as anything from the stance of mind. My ego wants this and judges that, and this is the mind-walk we've all been doing for a long, long time. Me as mind wants to survive and continue the positive illusions, though I want to abolish the negative illusions like fears and self-doubt. Our tendency is to run/hide from our internal fears by creating a positive, outward appearance for others to see, and when we get that feedback/validation, all is well. The fears are at rest because reality is 'proving' otherwise.

Self-dishonesty is the subtle hiding of these mind illusions. So, self-dishonesty is the continuance of the illusion. Self-honesty is stopping the allowed mental experience creation overlay onto reality, breathing and living with the entire physical existence, here.

So, our fears and desires serve to keep us locked in to this experiential overlay creating. To deconstruct each point is like peeling back union layers of suppression. As we've become accustomed to our suppressions, they are comfortable/familiar. We created our personality / self-concept from them. These fear/desire mind programs that we inherited are still our creation, and in self-honesty, this is apparent. So, by no fault other than my own, I am continuing the illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from seeing the negative experiences of fear-based thoughts by covering them up though a movement toward a positive experience creation, not realizing that I'm perpetuating the illusion.

I commit myself to realizing how I am perpetuating the illusion and to become aware of when I am in my head and have forgotten about my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unaware of my mind within experiential creation, in separation of the awareness of my breath.

I commit myself to continue writing myself to freedom, on a daily basis, by working out the individual, specific points within my fear/desire illusions of mind.

When and as I see myself willingly continuing the illusion, I do not react with self-judgment. I realize that through writing the point out, I can work with it in physical space-time. I commit myself to slowing my experience down so that I stop jumping around from point to point in my mind and gradually align with the physical existence.

Day 120 - Stopping the illusion

When we create our perceptions of the world, there is typically a positive or negative association. When we live within a positive frame, we want to keep it that way. When we're down, we want to get back to the positive as quickly as we can. So, the pattern I'm placing into focus here is the positive/negative structure of experience. I call BS. It is ever more clear that these experiences are not stable, and so then I must not be stable. My whole life, I've assessed value in maintaining a positive frame, and so I did. I was more likable and could more easily get along with others if I kept the positivity going. I saw no reason not to; however, I now vague understand the relationship between positive and negative energy. I see it as made of the same substance, and you can't have one but not the other. They balance each other, as some universal law of balance. Good vs Evil, Right vs Wrong, Light vs Dark, Happy vs Sad, Love vs Hate, etc. This makes the world go 'round, no?

No.

The world is already going 'round, before and positive/negative experience is processed. We create these experiences kind of automatically in disregard of the spinning world. So, my understanding of the self-purification process that is laid out by Desteni is that we have to stop creating these experiential illusions. Why? Because we're addicted to them. Because we only consider ourselves within the pursuit of positive experience, not realizing that we are also contributing the the creation of the negative, internal experience.

STOP, I say! The crappy part is that stopping the positive experience is a negative experience. This is obviously balanced out by the stopping of the negative experience = a positive one. I was luckily born into privilege, and was able to figure out how to create a positive experiential frame within myself (to cover up the negative frames formed from fear). I participate in this process because giving up the illusion of positive so that I can stand stable and assist others in creating a world that's BEST for All ALWAYS is the life I've always wanted to live.

No more temporary illusions created by mind within polarity.

No more flip-floppin around with more regard for my own created illusion than for reality.

No more abuse of the physical world and it's equal, living inhabitants.

I commit myself to living in ONE world with ALL others as EQUALS, and ending the self created illusions of myself and others. While we recklessly create, we create inescapable consequence. Time to get our acts together. And by that I mean: It's time I get my act together.


Day 119 - Imagined Futures of Grandeur

Photo from flickr

Today I re-realized a long running pattern of thought-separation. I place myself in imaged futures of grandeur and hardly ever make efforts to manifest them. Having many imagined possible futures for myself without any real commitment, I call being 'overly ambitious'. There is a very positive feeling association when I imagine myself in a possible future where I am a successful, big shot in whatever field I'm think of in that moment; however, within this head play I never take the time to imagine how I will get there or which practical steps to take. This point was briefly opened up on Day 13 - Relationship with Future Self, where I address

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself by imagining many future selves and thinking that I could be all or many of them, without taking any responsibility for creating myself in alignment to these visions.

I commit myself to begin practically directing my thoughts to prioritize which steps I'll be taking towards which goals. I realize that I have many goals, and to narrow and focus which ones I actually want to pursue will be a process, and by giving myself the time and patience, I will be able to direct myself more effectively than continually allowing thoughts to just rush around in my head. Choosing which passions to pursue is a seemingly dreadful task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought/feeling that focusing my life path is dreadful or scary. I realize that my mind makes up this feeling-orientation, and it only stands as an obstacle or procrastination excuse.

I commit myself to living my physical self-direction, to stop the thought storm, and get to work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, or understand that I am not these future projections of myself, and also underestimate the actual effort of physically walking toward accomplishing these great goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am these future projections without having to do any of the work, and so by participating in the imagination in this way, I am removing myself from the realization that I must work to achieve.

I commit myself to stop amplifying the image of myself and my ability in separation from who I am in actuality, here, breathing, doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a dreamer in separation from a doer.

I commit myself to doing my dreams, and stopping the lofty ideals as potential, great accomplishments.

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed with the thoughts of life directions and future selves, I stop  I breathe. I realize that to stop separating myself from the million future selves / possible career paths, I must walk within a practical application. My life direction will unfold with me through this process of self-discovery. The more I write, the more clarity I will gain within myself, and I commit myself to the steadfast application of forgiveness of self to quiet the ambition storm.

Day 118 - Working Forgiveness

Continuing from the past two days:
Day 116 - Sticky Black Hole
Day 117 - The Sticky Black Hole, Out of Perspective

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the mind-mechanism of delay through following and accepting the pull toward the positive experience distractions, effectively suppressing myself within facing my work/responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress through delay. I've been effectively dodging responsibility through procrastination, waiting for the necessity as external force (i.e. time), to take responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing my self to see or realize how I've been completely avoiding self-direction through the negative experiences like work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a living hell for myself through participating with the thoughts/feelings that work is undesirable, instead of stopping them and simply moving myself from moment to moment, here in my breath.

I realize that I only create this undesirable experience toward work when I forget about my breath, and unconsciously participate in conscious thought. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe and instead allow the thoughts to create an experience that moves me away from my work.

When and as I see myself facing the undesirable experience of work and move toward a positive distraction, I remember to breathe. In this stopping of thought-reality-creation, I realize that work isn't so hard after all. It's just the application of my self willed direction.

I commit myself to realizing the negative experience I create for myself of work and stopping it within and as my breath. In these moments, I commit myself to applying self-forgiveness for the thought.

When and as I see myself resisting applying self-forgiveness of my resistance to work, I stop and breathe again. Here, I realize that the same point is compounding within the outflow. I commit myself to working through all resistance by slowing down and writing if I get too overwhelmed to speak specific self-forgiveness in the moment. Key.

I commit myself to stop allowing the resistance to do specific self-forgiveness to take me away from the application thereof. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that "specific self-forgiveness is so hard that I must stop, wait and delay the application until I have a better conception of what I am forgiving, not allowing myself to just go with it and get more specific as the point opens up. This is easier when I'm writing in a flow.

I commit myself to give it a go, and just speak self-forgiveness through the resistance, and if not immediately clear and specific, to write it out.

open clip art
I commit myself to the realization that this procrastination habit will not just go away overnight, and that only with my living the corrective application will I eventually break the spell. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the chance to take myself seriously in my self-directed behavioral change through the realization that this will take work/commitment to restructure myself accordingly.

Time to get to work.

Day 117 - The Sticky Black Hole, Out of Perspective

Black Hole Outburst in Spiral Galaxy M83 (NASA...
Photo credit: NASA
...When the effects of this mind construct I've deemed the sticky black hole are in motion, either I just don't see it or I do. When I do, I feel it. It's like I'm watching myself move backwards when I want to go forwards. I just allow it! The contradictory directions. The pull towards the distraction, and desire to get back on track suppressed as I move toward the desire. So, if I were to treat this as an addiction, which makes perfect sense, I'd have to walk out of it with the first step being admittance.

So, I admit there is a problem = stop hiding
2nd, identify all entrance points. Set red flags for each point of going into delay with self-interest
3rd, accountability.

Taking this and applying the tools I picked up from Desteni, I will write out the flagged entrance points. Why do I move into delay in this way? What am I avoiding, and why am I avoiding it? The writing will hold me accountable. The end point I have in sight is being able to still have fun, though without the suppressed responsibility on my back.

One motivation I see now, is how my work is more easily in a flow state when I have the clock pushing me. So, if I don't have a deadline as external motivation force, I experience real lag & resistance to accomplishing a particular responsibility. This addiction/routine shows me I've never actually been directing myself to do work by relying on my ability to do the bare necessity to get by. I justified this existence by loading up my time with as much positive experience as possible. Wasting time with friends/girls = justified as worthy of compromising myself because self-direction was a negative experience, and if I could 'get by' without it via successful procrastination, why wouldn't I? Sometimes my procrastination would lead to failure in accomplishing a given task, but it usually just lead to a rushed product, though I would always convince myself that is was good work.

Ok, before I let the overwhelmingness take hold (or the clock strike 12), I will stop here and take note of the patterns emerging, and continue with writing tomorrow some much needed self-forgiveness statements.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Day 116 - Sticky Black Hole


I woke this morning by quickly sitting up and saying aloud "I forgive myself!...for accepting and allowing myself to believe I'm stuck." Just before this I recall a hazy subconscious image of a sticky black hole that kept pulling my back in.

My immediate interpretation was that this stickiness is the delay/postponement/fall point, where I allow myself to fall back into the old habit, whatever it may be. This point of continually allowing myself to submit, to be stuck within my existence was frightening enough to wake me suddenly, but I've done this my whole life and have just been suppressing it with distractions, which is the black hole in one way. So not seeing and hiding this function of my conscious participation/direction, was the easy way. Just existing within and as the sticky black hole and not realizing it was a perpetual, sustained existence. As I've been working through the point of procrastination, it has opened up more and more.

Related posts:
Day 112 - Not wanting to face myself today
Day 108 - All Day Delay
Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fireDay 104 - Walking through resistance

And, I'm really starting to narrow and focus in on this design. How effective I've been in addressing the point has not been perfect at all, but I feel like I can't ignore this state of existence anymore. I can just sit back and watch myself fall back into the black hole that grabs at me. Though it seems like this force is separate from me, I realize that I am the black hole. I manifested it as a habit of allowing self to stand down and succumb to the energy pull (i.e. the sweetness of candy, the fun of online virtual battle games). The other part of this equation is the manifested negative experience of leaving the grip of the stickiness as the negative experience assumption of responsibility or self directing self.

This delay point is extensively ingrained within my being, and it will take time to see all the contributing forces of this 'sticky black hole.' As it is relevant to my day experience of myself, I believe I can overcome this force, layer by layer, with the self-forgiveness application that has already brought more awareness to the design. This is self-support, and this is why I write this blog. Any point can be walked through self-forgiveness if you have the courage to face the inner hurricane that cycles the same self-destructive thoughts/fears. 

Slow down the hurricane/black hole. Write yourself out for yourself to see. It's been pretty cool so far. Scary and overwhelming at times, but then I just have more to write about :)

Check out this process for yourself at the Desteni Forum
Or just hop straight into it with the new FREE introduction course: DIP Lite

This post will be continued upon as I continue to specifically unravel the design. Thank you.

Day 115 - Fearing the breakdown

A consistent theme I'm finding in my Journey to Life is being afraid to tackle the tough points. I feel like I just want this to be done without having to actually get down and dirty. The points that I have spent a lot time compounding within me, like biting my nails and any prolonged habit, are scary to face. Why? Because I fear the complexity. I fear not being able to be successful with one powerful blow. And I fear not getting validation for my efforts as immediate success.

Phew.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to have instant gratification within my efforts, such that I fear even trying when my chance of success isn't certain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing the complexity within and as me, not realizing that I must take this process slowly and thoroughly, point by point, one bite at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overwhelmed by a heavily compounded point, such as nail biting and other long term habits, and through this overwhelmed feeling, shy away from facing the point because I don't believe that can take it on yet. Delay is in here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone working through a 'large' point because I allow anxiousness to direct my beliefs that I must address the entirety of a point within one blog post, or even one self-forgiveness statement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will fail or forgive myself wrongly, and so back down and wait until I am more able.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than able to do what needs to be done, and not realize that I am just experiencing resistance to letting go, through self-forgiveness, of the patterns that I have allowed to define who I think I am for an extended period of time.

I commit myself to facing the resistance I experience within seemingly large points by just starting to write, and continuing as the point opens up. Taking that first step is essential.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't be effective, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear is actually keeping me from being effective. I commit myself to pushing through the resistances to face myself and when I shy away from writing publicly, I shall write the point out for myself first.

I commit myself to realizing that I can't walk this process in one step, and I no longer allow this as an excuse to not walk at all.

I commit myself to red flagging the experience of overwhelmed. Here, I stop I breathe. Begin writing.



Day 114 - Ego Realization

This post is continuing with the point I opened up on Day 7 - Starting Point within the Advocacy Character. It has to do with  insecurity manifesting as desire for validation/being noticed. I was pretty vague in addressing this point and it's apparently not clear yet. Ego is tricky to stand within and as and then stand up inside of it to change it, as self change. The point of living the change is emphasized by desteni, but I continue to overlook this. My ego has always sought validation to feel positive/content to ward off the feeling of being inadequate or disregarded. And so now I have to deal with the fear I manifested in my face!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anxiously seek for validation from others and not have the patience with myself to first stand as a practical, living example of the principles of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling inadequate/disregarded and within this, justify my movement toward attempting to validate my ego-position as the knowledge and information I have took illusionary ownership of through the act of belief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I've been trying to escape the responsibility of self change by focusing my process on becoming credible/noteworthy toward others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overlook the point of self standing as the change I would like to see in the world through allowing myself to define myself and self-worth according to others' perceptions of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define success as the positive experience of validation of my ego defined as the knowledge I've accumulated.


When and as I see myself in a state of fighting for my ego, I stop I breathe. I realize that while I have good intentions in mind, the method of which I have been trying to share the desteni perspective is one of dodging self responsibility and giving into the inclination to cover up my own fear of non-acceptance. I commit myself to re-aligning my process of self-purification to focus on myself and my own problems. Until I can stand as an example having walked individual points within my process, I have no place hypocritically preaching to others in hopes that they will validate my efforts.

I commit myself to patiently walking my process for myself.

I commit myself to stop taking personal ownership of what I believe is 'right' and must be shared with others from the starting point of seeking confirmation of knowledge and information through others as validation.

I commit myself to stop defining myself and self-worth through the eyes of others. I commit myself to stop the fear that I others will see my knowledge and information as invalid because I've not yet applied it and become a living example, needing no validation.



Day 113 - Flawed Electoral System

I heard on the radio today that in some places, like Australia, there is a fine for not voting. That's cool concept, but what about our electoral college voting system? How is it accepted that our votes are essentially predetermined depending on what state we live in? Bogus.

The bind of our election process seems to destroy the notion of democracy. I recall in a college political science class that this system is just the way it is. That it sucks, but we have to use it. I call BS. By whatever means necessary, a true democratic voting system where each life equals one vote must and will be established. I support a true democracy, the ideal that so many others also support, because the majority of people want what's best for all.

I voted for an alternative party this time around because I'm sick of the friction-war between the left and the right. Can't you all just see that we're all both left and right? This divide is killing us. The third party vote was my expression of discontent for both candidates. Wasted? I used to believe so. Some would say that I can't have my cake and eat it too. That I can't vote in a broken system and break the system. Maybe so, in which case, voting should not be my focus. It never really was, but when I look at how voting is kind of a lazy, complacent outlet for social change, I realize I need to be doing more for the party that I fully support even though I can't yet "vote" for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy within my process of establishing absolute self-honesty, not seeing realizing or understanding that my "vote" in this life is not bound by the restriction of our current electoral process. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize my own power as an equal with all to contribute to bringing about a world that supports life. End the abuse.

I commit myself to voting with my life's work.

I commit myself to supporting all life as equals, starting with myself. Here, I walk self-supportive corrective application for myself, and once I stand stable, I will support others as equals. This is my mission of self-honesty in realizing oneness and equality. Thanks.

Day 112 - Not wanting to face myself today

Avoidance


Been keeping myself distracted with video games and entertainment. This time it's about avoiding writing about this girl in part because I am wavering in confidence to be able to establish agreements as I have not spent the time establishing agreements with myself. This block of giving myself the time to work through 'tough' points because of fear of failure is really getting annoying. What is the hold up? The fear that I won't be effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being effective with my writing application in addressing 'tough' points, and allowing this fear to prevent me from trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape the reality of facing myself through various forms of entertainment as delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'effective' as already having the knowledge in my head before I educate myself through self-investigative writing.

I commit myself to continue writing out every point that I experience as resistance, and until I am stable in my choice to engage in entertainment, I no longer accept and allow me to run from facing the reality of my inner experience through media/entertainment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misuse time with/as media from a starting point of averting/delaying responsibility of writing/reading/work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually delay the process toward unconditional self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of this blog as something special and needing special substance to my entries, such that I allow fear of not being special to contribute to delaying any/all writing for self. I commit myself to write outside of this blog and no longer allow it as a fear-excuse within me to not write at all.


When and as I see myself wanting to move into distraction so I don't have to do what I know I should do, I stop I breathe. I realize that the work I know I should be doing is nothing more than self-expression, and the resistance I experience as distraction thoughts or the actual feeling of discomfort when faced with work.

I commit myself to decoding this feeling that I've allow within and as my experience toward work.

I commit myself to writing about my resistances, to work it out within and as me, and stop projecting my responsibility or avoiding it.

Thank you.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Day 111 - Writing out Agreements

Today went well. I pushed through a shit-ton of communication resistance/apprehension. I started the date off with some tea and a game of chess before siting down to attempt establishing agreements. I opened my laptop and laid down the clipboard. First, we read a response from my buddy Garbrielle related to yesterday: Day 110 - Laying down agreements. Basically, she suggested to establish agreements with self first, and linked me in to some more agreement resources. You can see the post here: Re: Dan's Journey to Life. And she has a good point. I am a bit shaky with my self-trust and application of living agreements...I mean Day 111 of 2555 or seven years of commitment to publicly writing my life experience of self-realizing. The words stand. I stand with my words. Simple. Real.

And so our first practical living agreements were written out on real paper. It took a lot of effort to communicate shared points that we could commit to. The experience was an exercise in being vulnerable. To speak fear points openly enough to turn it into something on paper, is not a comfortable experience, but we got through it ok. I stumbled a bit, she was patient with me, understanding. Overall, it felt really good afterward. Expressing some fear points with another and doing so in a productive, written agreements kind of way had an effect of feeling closer, more comfortable.

I had to start sometime. And I will continue. I commit myself to working with self-agreements to a point of stability within my practice.

This is to be continued, it always is. Day-by-day, I write to figure out what's going on inside me, and sharing it with anyone in the world is just kinda cool.


Day 110 - Laying down agreements

The first agreement was to meet tomorrow and establish some agreements.

When she agreed to try to establish some agreements between each other, my reaction was of satisfaction. I was pleased that she was willing to meet on my terms. This feeling of satisfaction is clearly self-deception of ego. I felt more comfortable and open, knowing that she doesn't reject my notion of "doing things the hard way" as I also spoke of "standard relationships being the easy way."

I'm so very uncomfortable writing about this topic, let alone speaking about it with her or anyone. I partially realize the benefits of establishing agreements with others, but I prevent myself from trying, because of this awkward feeling. There's nothing cool or fake about establishing agreements. It real, grounded, and clear. I still have to work through some barriers/resistance to the process because I'm still heavily conditioned to hide my feelings and only selectively present myself toward another to receive the highest self-benefit. Pretty interesting how hiding my feelings has caused huge divides between myself and a woman, though not apparently so. It was hidden.

Ok, so because I'm still learning about agreements, I'm going to direct you to two great blog posts on the topic that have helped me to clarify, so far, what I am thinking about enacting: maitedip.blogspot.com/search/label/agreement

And now for a little forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek a sexual partner within a hazy desire to calm the storm within me, where I look for and provide comfort. Come into my fort vs Come forth (the second blog about agreement by Maite), is two vastly different perceptions of comfort. Am I providing a fort for her to hide from herself in? Or am I seeking refuge from facing myself within my continued desire to be with a girl? Will I have the courage to come forth within self-honesty, speaking every practical point of self/other support?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been seeking a girlfriend, in part, to re-energize my ego as I attempt to further separate myself from the thoughts as fear and insecurities; as if, I was able to gain by presenting a pretty, painted picture of myself  to her that she would validate, and all would be fine and dandy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I was back in my past where life was easy, great, fun, and simple when I had a girlfriend with whom I never revealed my intentions were not to stay together forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the uncomfortableness of speaking and not figure out why I"m having trouble speaking an honest expression of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I "won't do it right" (establish agreements correctly).

--

I commit myself to recognizing when the backchat of "won't do it right" is holding me back from acting, where I will then apply self-forgiveness...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be petrified of being wrong or inadequate, such that it becomes a barrier to success/trying.

This fear of doing something or someone wrongly is intense. But that doesn't mean I'm going to back down. Rather, set the program: seek and destroy all thoughts related to "need to be right"
It's going to take some time. "Right," is who I've decided I want to be from a prety early age...interestingly, also existed a continued pattern of wanting to hide that I am always right. I guess this was to protect me from being wrong...haha, oh boy!

Again, one-step at a time. Set agreements with self and others. Keep slowing down until I can feel my breath. In any given moment, I breathe to stop the overwhelmingness or drive to make the world fit into my design. Knockin' down points, point by point...even now, I want to type a growl out into my computer as the energy of this paragraph has be worked up - overwhelmed. I breathe, and focus on the moment of what gets done next. Thanks. See ya tomorrow.


Day 109 - Self-Honesty in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compromise my self-honesty within a relationship so that I won't hurt her feelings or damage the positive image of myself in her eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my thoughts/opinions about another in a relationship, essentially dragging it on within a fear of her opinion of my opinion.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my plan to increase my attractiveness as the male ego is only taking me into consideration and not the other person, so I forgive myself for allowing me to carve the path for the ego as me with total disregard for the other individual as an equal being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear speaking honesty in a relationship through the fear of compromising my ego-image of being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place emphasis on me and my self image only within dating women, where I hide my true intentions that are self-interested.

I forgive myself that I allow and accept myself to support hiding within myself and the girl by spending time on the surface level and just allowing the backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into the backchat of my mind that is typically fear-based, and then not speak it to preserve my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to leave behind my awareness of the moment when with a girl as I go into thoughts of fear, insecurity and weakness. I hide these thoughts because they would compromise positive image of my ego that I believe myself to be and wish to project to have others see. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that who I am in the physical reality as touch and the words I speak is stable, and any fears that I have under the surface are of mind and not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to support the image of myself and the other, not realizing that by supporting our egos, I am supporting the lies and suppression in a journey into the common relationship. I forgive myself for not allowing me to unconditionally support what's best for all in every moment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get share the perspective of self-honesty and running agreements when entering a relationship in fear that I will not get sex and/or hurt someone's feelings.

--


When and as I see myself leave the awareness of the physical to move into thoughts, I stop I breathe. When I'm with another, I realize that the backchat is not supporting what's best for both. I commit myself to slowing down my thoughts and speaking with self-honesty. The supportive points that I wish to share can't go unsaid, because that is the point where I am really supporting the dishonesty as movement into another self-centered relationship.

I commit myself to stop thinking about my self-image as superior and more important that supporting both equally.

I commit myself to uncovering, peeling back and revealing where I have hidden my true intentions within a relationship especially related to sex and ego.

I commit myself continue writing and sharing with others the points I find related to ego-oriented relationshiping.

I commit myself to the courage to share the 'scary' thoughts and push through the resistance to speak self-honestly, and when I am unable to do so, I commit myself to writing about the point to discover the fears in play and delete them with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop worrying about how other's see me as this only supports the ego. Rather, I focus on breathing and speaking out of consideration for all and what's best for all.

I've already committed to self-honesty, so I commit myself to pursue the points where I still allow myself to be dishonest with self/other. This will take time, but this is not an excuse to support a standard relationship formation for unspoken self-interested reasons. PLAY IT SLOW DAN.

I commit myself to slowing down, and supporting myself with another within agreements to support each other as equals, as life.

photo credit: Joe Kou
Thanks and stay tuned. This relationship-agreement dynamic is probably going to get more juicy before it stabilizes as my expression of self-honesty in support of the best for both, as life. Woooo!

Enhanced by Zemanta

Day 108 - All Day Delay

A day with a hazy reference to time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay working all day with distractions like video games,   television programs, exercise, candy and smoking, not realizing that I was hiding from responsibility all day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste my time today and fuel this behavior through hearing another make the statement of not having enough energy to do work today and accepting this as permission to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from facing myself through writing about my night with the girl that I've been seeing, and not realize this point as contributing to my allowance of delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot completely clear a point that seems as large as stopping distraction, starting an agreement/relationship, and/or my nail biting habit, and not realizing that my delay was contributed to by this fear of not being able to clear a complex and integrated fear system within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply begin writing, and realize that I can continue to open up layers of understanding through the reflection of myself in writing and application through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately move into thoughts of possible distractions when faced with a daunting task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amplify any point by vaguely allowing myself to define the task/point as daunting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my relationship to work through the perception of 'daunting' or 'too much.' Delete. I commit myself to re-framing work from 'daunting' and/or 'too much' into a more self-supportive frame such as 'one bite at a time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear work as "too much for me to handle."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear any point as "too much for me to handle," and not realize that any seemingly large point can be broken down into it's components.

I have these connections to thoughts/memories with positive/negative emotional attachment. To destroy these bonds to the mind consciousness existence as programmed polar emotional response based in self interest, I'm going to have to take this slowly, and STOP allowing the 'overwhelmingness fear' to keep getting in my way.
--

When and as I see myself at a point that overwhelming to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must write down this experience of thought and sort out the perspectives/characters to understand where I'm coming from. I commit myself to slowing down my lifestyle such that I allow myself to the time to see where I'm coming from in thought, and to know my direction...this is too open. I don't believe myself within this last commitment statement.

So without further delay, I am now writing about this experience as example for the above realization:
  1. Slowing my lifestyle down is completely foreign and not grounded in reality, like a lofty goal.
  2. To understand where I'm coming from within every thought that pops up in my head, woah, talk about 'Mission Impossible.' This is a daunting task/point.
  3. To know my direction is a continual battle against clouded/hidden voices in my head. Typically, I am pleasure seeking because I haven't been 'exposed to the real world and hardened by tough times.'
There's a lot going on just here in breaking down one lofty/bs commitment statement. Food for tomorrow..

I commit myself to grounding myself within the application of work as a process. Within this I commit myself to writing about the experience I have in relation to the point of siting down to direct myself through working on a specific point.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to blame others through the excuse that if they waste the day that I can too. I commit myself to keep writing down my daily tasks the night before...this worked for two days, and it works in keeping productive and focused with a goal upon waking.

I commit myself to STOP running from points that seem daunting or like too much work for me to be successful. I commit myself to writing out each point, one at a time, grounded in space-time, not allowing the overwhelmingness direct me away from my goals.

I commit myself to staying self-honest within my writing. Most of today's post was an honest flow of my expression through writing. The lofty stuff, based on a thought of ideal = not real as myself talking about myself in self-honesty.

Thanks, that's all for tonight.