Day 106 - Living in Delay
I sit down, and after a few moments of thinking about what to write today, boom! I went right into delay. Mind races to find any 'good' excuse to get up and walk away from my computer. First idea, smoke a cigarette, second, go to the bathroom, third, finish doing the laundry, and for that I got up. I emptied my clean laundry into a basket brought it half way up the stairs and realized what I've been doing. IT'S THE SAME MODE I'VE BEEN IN THROUGHOUT SCHOOL. Wait until the last minute, because I can and because I can get lots of unrelated work done when I put off the important/primary work. I've had a consistent pattern of using delay as motivation to get other stuff done. Anything that I would deem important was better than facing the work in front of me.
I'm on a delay kick because it's becoming more and more clear with writing about it. I write that my mind makes diversion attempts to avoid the negative experience of doing work, and the next day I catch my mind doing just that! Writing --> Awareness. Cool.
Thanks to Anna for her vlog response to my Day 105, I was able to really get a sense for the community at large who all share this point of procrastination. So, it is my specific experience of this point that I will write about, as my experience is the composition of the pictures in my mind that must be released. I commit to move myself through the correction within the application of my writing. To stay focused and specific is my goal here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of other viable/justifiable options of behavior when I approach the space to do work, not realizing my mind within polarity, labeling work as negative and frantically looking for a positive experience. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I'm precisely doing as covering up the fears* through delay into a positive reward behavior, like getting other work done or playing with friends, etc.
*Fears = fear of not completing my work sufficiently is primary here, which is strange because through this fear, I have aversion to doing work, causing me to produce work that's often less than sufficient. The fear manifests itself through my participation within it... More investigation on this will ensue.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications for the activities I choose to do within delaying my primary objective, not realizing that in so doing, I'm compromising myself in being able to work effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of myself working as negative, and in this hiding myself from the enjoyable flow of work that I have also, often experienced.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I just procrastinate my work, I can focus on the enjoyment of my positive distractions, and skip quickly past the misery of rushed work, and then focus on the positive reward of having the work done, not realizing that this whole experience is orchestrated by me as a fear of work being a difficult and negative experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work as a difficult and negative experience within an assumption. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an assumption of work as a negative experience before I ever even gave myself the chance to approach the work without bias.
Refocusing: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue within a distraction without realizing the importance of applying myself effectively within the work that I am avoiding. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why I am in a state of avoidance with the work I choose to delay with distractions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blur my thoughts/feelings and make a hazy decision to delay my responsibilities.
When and as I see myself making a hasty decision to move into a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this form of self-dishonesty renders me ineffective in accomplishing my daily responsibilities. This is not acceptable.
I commit myself to investigating the negative point within facing my work.
I commit myself to stopping the distraction attempts through realizing what they are, and why they pop into mind.
I commit myself to approaching work without bias through a patient process of investigating the nature of the work that I have a reaction to, so that I no longer support my assumption/projection of negativity onto work that I have not yet done.
I commit myself to stop justifying bullshit. Self-honestly prioritize actions, then act.
I commit myself to examining the energies that might take me out of my mode of effectively addressing the work I have placed in front of me.