Day 98 - Spiraling out of control

If I don't do something, I'll continue to spiral out of control with the current level of commitment within self-direction. My relationships to everything and everyone have all been laid out for me. Either by my parents or by copying 'desirable' social traits. This filter was a chosen framework that I built and believed myself to be based on how to more easily obtain sex and money. This was how I've defined success, doing all that I can now to set myself up for the future. I used to label it within myself as "being a work procrastinator but not a life procrastinator." I see this separation as fundamental.

By investing into myself, or rather my future self, I was getting ahead in life; and this stood to excuse my lack of discipline in the moment. This equation balances, it is a polarity. I bounce back and forth not realizing this as mind playing a trick on me. Applying oneness and equality principles: I am not being honest with myself.

It's obvious! How can I possibly get ahead in life by procrastinating the work I have to do in the moment? By never asking myself that question, I never realized the detriment of being "a thinker." I thought is was a good thing to prepare for the future, and that by investing time in my head, I could figure things out more easily. I was lost in preparation, with a general lack of application. This point is baffling me on how widespread and ingrained it is. I see myself as a master in my mind (this is a particularly positive feeling when high), and then have nothing to show for it. Just an idea that goes straight to defusing the responsibility of action onto others, so I'm basically doing the heavy lifting with my mind. This isn't working. In fact, I'm spiraling (in my mind) out of control. Just a whirl wind of thinking that's slowing down my application of myself in the physical reality. By writing out the tornado of my thoughts, I'll be able to physically see all the pattern and recognize it for what it is instead of blindly just going with the flow.

I'm not being responsible or self-honest if I'm trying to walk the path of self-honesty. The partial approach to unconditional self-honesty, doesn't even make sense. Sure, it will take time to figure myself out and deconstruct and rebuild my internal structure of psyche within the flesh. But I can't get here by hiding. I feel spiraling out of control the more I think about how to hide. There's a strong charge in wanting to continue hiding. I'm more addicted to the secret mind than I thought...haha, because I was thinking with the secret mind, I didn't consider the frame, the absolute starting point of each thought.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am making progress along a path to realizing equality and oneness, instead of seeing that through 'progress', I have defined the existence of  not making progress, and allow myself to get lost in spirals of self-dishonest starting points, aka Time Loops.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate practically-applied-work from life-work. This seems like a huge point because there are many points where I've allowed this mental framework to govern actual behavior.

Tomorrow is going to be a long self-forgiveness day.

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