I'm sure I've done this search before, as this point of going into a relationship with a girl always spins my mind, hardcore. Especially in the beginning of all my relationships, my mind would rev up and over think everything until contact. Once there is at least a kiss, I start opening up, but never all the way. I've never let myself be vulnerable enough to give myself fully over to a girl. I had bright plans for future success, and girls only ever slowed me down with requests and feelings. So, my normal pattern in relationship with girls is to over-think the situation within my own self-interest, and then hide those thoughts from myself and her through focusing on the feelings and psychical sensations. I would vaguely justify the secret thoughts within me because I could still get physical and mental attention...vaguely thinking that means success.
When I first found Desteni and started reading about the point of self-honesty and agreements, I was straight scared. I avoided this aspect for a few years, because I wanted to carelessly "chase women" in my final college years. So now that I'm out of college, I've been looking for girl attention through dating sites and whatnot. Well I found a girl I'm pretty attracted to, and not just physically. Well 'bad' news, I can't just go with this like I always have. Falling into a relationship has always ended badly and I've identified the reason as the internal lies & backchat. Not being honest with another starts with self-dishonesty. My relationship to being honest has been pretty solid for awhile, since the spiritual stuff before desteni, I was into enlightenment and becoming pure/honest. So, I've been having trouble relating with girls, because I'm always thrown into a whirlwind of thoughts that I don't have the courage to speak out loud, because a fear of loss or a fear of hurting her.
Now, I have been playing it more slowly, as recommended by fellow destonians, and I am seeing how patience has been working. That google search this morning lead to this article When are you Ready for 'Agreement'? and as my morning reading, I've begun to see the the practical approach to supporting another being and self, within the framework of self-honest support of self and other in walking together in agreements. Good shit.
This post is just a warm up or breaking into of this point of relationships. There's a lot going within this, so I plan to take it slow and not let anything slide by. Self-honesty till I die!
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To be continued...
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