Day 94 - Nails and Fears

Ok, I planned to continue my doing work post from yesterday, but I haven't finished my mind map and self-research on the point. It will get done. So today, I wish to write about how I've been neglecting and repressing my nail biting point. I've been not wanting to write about it partly because I didn't want to look like a failure after believing I cleared this point over the course of 3 days (ending on Day 16).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the opinion of others that I am not effective.

When and as I see myself suppressing action because of a fear of what others may think, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm only building up the the same point of ineffectiveness through the allowance of the fear of the label 'ineffective.'
I commit myself to push through this fear and work through my nail biting, in fact, regardless of how long it takes.

Continuing, today I realized that I still have quite the charge behind the fear of having my nail ripped off. This girl was sharing a funny story of how it happened to her and I reacted going as far as saying "I don't want to hear it," half jokingly.

This charge was set by one of my original memories that lead me into the nail biting lifestyle nearly 15 years ago. My brother had an accident with the screen door and his nail was ripped off his finger. There is a visual image that pops up and is strongly associated with a feeling of "ahhhhh!" or intense aversion. I will focus on this one point today, as it is the foundation for this habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the image of losing a fingernail to a negative experience of discomfort within my mind. I have not experienced this myself, but through the imagination of how it would feel, I created an imaginary fear experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an fear based on an imagined experience in my head in relation to what I've seen.

I just noticed an interesting connection. In the second paragraph above, I alluded to how a fear within self, manifests. Fear of ineffective -> being ineffective, through or because of the fear. Now, I see that my fear of the pain associated with having no nail, happens to me every time I bite or clip my nail too short. HA! I've experienced the pain of which I feared, many times over, through the biting of my nails that I justified: Having short nails means I won't easily get my nail ripped off. I feel pain every time my nails are too short! This is incredible, to see how my fear is the opposite of effective in accomplishing the goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by biting my nails I decrease the risk of pain from exposure of the flesh under my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my fear is worthy and effective in its expression.

I commit myself to realizing when any fear is driving itself and creating an experience related to that fear without me knowing.

I commit myself to making sure that I know why I'm doing any particular action so that I may break down the bullshit and support life with the entirety of my expression.

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