Day 416 - Word Critic Bully Character

A little backstory before opening up this character:

While working through level 10 of my vocabulary building program, I came across the word infer, and slowed down to read all the definitions for it because I have long had trouble distinguishing between inference and deduction. This lead to a journey of understanding, aided by the internet and, well, Yahoo Answers. Reading through all the contributions from others, I was definitely starting to refine the boundaries of these two words for myself. Below is one of the more poorly rated answers, but I resonated with it. I thought was a really effective expression of her understanding. Then I expanded the 1 comment, read it, and went through a semi-heavy reaction as I closed the page in disgust of the nasty meanness of humanity online.




I reopened the tab to investigate what this reaction was. Rereading this, O_hutch may have been simply saying that it was funny, and not in a derogatory way. Regardless, my interpretation/reaction of the situation, was such, as to reflect my own nature; and so, I walk the necessary self-forgiveness, take responsibility for my contribution to this uncool aspect of our world/internet culture.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own and others' words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize my understanding of the importance of clear understanding of individual vocabulary words, and create a positive experience attached to perfect word choice and execution, and a negative experience/judgment of fumbling my words, incorrect word use, nonsense - and within allowing my mind to polarize and energize this point, I now see, realize and understand that I am absolutely sabotaging an awesome potential to support myself and those around me, putting my understanding of vocabulary to its best use.

Scenarios:

- Listen for the definition mismatch when listening to others. This is accomplished by attentively listening to the whole of the other person to get their context and how it influences their understanding/use of particular words, and then comparing and contrasting it to my understanding. Additional cross referencing is often required, as my contextual associations with my words could just as well be misaligned.

- Use my Vocabulary Builder everyday. This is most clearly an expression of putting my understanding of vocabulary to its best use.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my definitions and understandings of words are more clear, more refined, more accurate, and thus judge myself as superior to all around me (straight up ego design), and TOTALLY MISS how others choose their words according to their own understandings of them! It's kind of a..."duh" thing, but this also shows me how stupid and compromising it can be when I let my ego steer my perception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to others superficially and from the narrow vantage point of my current understanding, reactively ready to pounce on/judge others when they speak/write with any word-definition discrepancies to my own; instead of (correction) leveling with others and working to understand why/how they use their words to convey meaning, and resolve discrepancies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be fast and rush through information, and be the first person to correctly interpret what someone means, sometimes even before they finish speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as intellectual inferiors because of an inflated sense of having comprehensive understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others within and through operating from a partial understanding, inflated to seem to me like a better or more accurate understanding. I commit myself to humble myself and see the honesty of me operating within and from a partial understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my own understandings, which are actually inferences that I've been making my whole life.

I commit myself to be humble and willing to reconsider everything (311, thanks again for this song)!

I commit myself to actively realizing that we all don't have the same positioning and reach within the English lexicon, and take responsibility for creating shared understanding within what is best for all.

I commit myself to apply active listening to cross reference my initial interpretations and understandings with other potential meanings, especially meanings relevant to the individual speaking. This requires a humbleness and slowing down. Patiently taking in more information than I would normally cruising through my life at mind-speed.

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It's a rather obtrusive personality program in my life, specifically in the realm of communication, which was my field of study in college. Damn, no matter how much I know, I really do need to humble myself and keep learning, all the time.

Bottom line: To have an inflated self-perception of mastery within understanding = not chill.


More to come on: listening, bullying, words, and my life experience. Thanks.

Day 415 - Hearing or Watching Myself



I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear listening to my own voice, to cross reference what I’m saying before sharing it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on Garbrielle to vet my expression for me, and to have created our relationship to be this way in my mind – never letting her really know and understand that I want this of her because I’m embarrassed about this dependency relationship point because I know better and because Garb’s really independent and I don’t want to be seen as less than her – which I now see is one critical dimension of why I haven’t allowed myself to support and be supported in this relationship because I’m competing with her/others to validate myself, my standing in the world, in process, and in relation to my peers/others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am invalid, unworthy, “a zero”, an outsider, and someone who doesn’t have a voice, input, or impact in the direction of the world or my life circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being impotent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my expression when I go out on a limb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear energy to determine whether or not I go for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide myself behind my hands via fingernail biting because I am afraid that if others get a good look at me AND decide I’m unworthy of their acceptance, then I have lost big time; and that by hiding behind my hands as an underlying objective within nail biting is a deliberate self-sabotage point so that I cannot be truly judged as who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving it my all because I fear being judged for who I truly am.

I commit myself to listen to reread my writings, listen to my voice recordings, and watch my videos.

Then, I commit myself to investigating any reactions, clearing them with SF aloud, and if anything still remains, I'll consider what practical edits would help me express the nature of what I am trying to say.

I commit myself to publishing myself much more frequently.

I commit myself to sharing myself with others, no matter how much ego-based resistance I generate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance to sharing myself within and through my participation in egocentric comparison judgments.

I commit myself to just getting myself and my process out there. No fear.

I commit myself to understand that I amplify my efforts in process by sharing myself! Exciting times ahead readers!

Thanks.

Day 414 - Holding Form


This is a very cool concept I've been playing with recently. In our minds, we utilize imagination to generate pictures. When we're thinking about something that we want (or don't want!), the thought can sometimes be paired with a mentally rendered picture. Furthermore, that picture and thought may come with a distinct and strong feeling; perhaps nostalgia, or dread.

With the word form, I'm talking about a fairly complex entity. The form refers to a specified, cognitive creation. As an internal form, the general or specific qualities that define this form are stable. Throughout our day, we erratically move through various forms or understandings about what is going on what what should happen next. Sometimes a form is fed to us: by parents, preachers and advertising. Any idea can really be seen as a form. An uninvented invention, is but a form until the form holder moves the form into physical existence.

Get it?

Ok, the next part is the how. How do you move form into physicality? There is no one way, and there are many specific forms requiring specific journeys into life. So, what am I saying? I'm saying that truly, the how is irrelevant. It's not worth any preemptive, cognitive burden. When the moment is here to walk the how, that creative moment is potentially a lot of fun. Downstream creative focus is one of the most enjoyable value creation activities that we can participate in. So if the "how problem" is solved, what's the missing ingredient?

The holding part. Take a form and hold it. Also take care in how you hold it. But this how is a practical and essential! It is the difference between holding the form of happily enjoying an ice cream cone after dinner, to fearfully holding the form of an attacker that's always looming in dark allies.

The "holding patterns" phenomenon warrants mention here too. A habitual perception, where the pattern is held in somewhat of a rigid way, often fear-based. It's a repetitively, internally experienced form (or fear) that the mind overlays/projects onto the external world, causing us to make physically-based decisions in a totally twisted way. This can severely limit our utmost potential in this lifetime; and you can forget about having a dynamic & creative application of supporting what is best for all. I'm sure you can think of many examples of how specific holding patterns have shaped your life, for better or for worse.

I choose principle-based holding patterns as my corrected living solution. It takes strength, which requires clarity.
best for all brain

So,

Get clear.
Get strong.
&
Hold forms that are best for all.



- thank you -

(if you've enjoyed this post and can relate, please leave a comment and share how you're understanding this concept. I will certainly expand on it because I didn't even get to words as forms ;)

Day 413 - Ability to Respond



Since the beginning of my relationship to the word Responsibility, I've seen it as undesirable and to be avoided when possible.

Something clicked in me when I was listening to a recent EQAFE interview (here), and I immediately started writing self-forgiveness. In approximately 5 minutes, I wrote:

Responsibility (response ability)
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility, in and as a definition of having to do unnecessary work.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define responsibility as an undesirable and often externally imposed force upon me.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that less responsibilities is equal to having a better quality of life.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I've got a tainted version of 'responsibility' integrated in me, and that I have continued to accept and allow myself to thus try to avoid responsibility.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear responsibility as a risk, wherein I am held responsible if something goes wrong.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am responsible for the good that I create in my world.
  • I commit myself to realigning the definition of responsibility within me as:
    • the ability or power to respond, in alignment with what is best for all.
    • taking the initiative to leverage my awareness/understanding to create a best for all movement.

Several days later, I continue:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'll mess something up, creating self-doubt that leads to inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can dodge responsibility, within this not seeing, realizing or understanding my responsibly within the choice to participate or abdicate.


Herein, I establish the measure of my personal responsibility within and as my utmost expression of effort in creating that which is best for all.

By this measure, I commit myself to apply self-honest introspection when and as I see me abdicating my ability to respond as/in my highest expression. Else, I commit myself to breathe, look, and direct best for all outflow.


Thanks.

Day 412 - Commitment to Speak Daily Self-Forgiveness




Over the past year +, I've been practicing speaking self forgiveness out loud, and I've noticed a pretty significant shift in my process. The main difference is this sense of solid, grounded movement. Like, if you're familiar with writing the self forgiveness out on paper or on a blog or whatever, sometimes it seems like it's not all sticking, or "I must be missing some dimensions, that must be why the SF isn't taking hold."

I've many times revisited the realization that self-forgiveness is only effective when paired with the corrected living application. The way I understand it is that the self forgiveness removes energetic blocks that lock us in repetitive, unwanted behaviors. With clearing that old instruction out of the body, it's now up to SELF to finish the job and create the corrected code to live by.

So that's a very important aspect, but what I'm looking at for this post is the specific difference of writing self forgiveness versus speaking it aloud.

As I'm currently understanding it: The writing is kind of the structure, blueprint, code that is contains the power. Like a key. I like this key analogy that just came to me! Writing out the self forgiveness is like fashioning the key for a mind-body system "lock." When writing out the self forgiveness for self, I can be astoundingly specific, because within and as me is also the equality: Self = Lock. So, it is highly beneficial to leverage writing as a tool and a medium, for exacting a precise key.

Now, when I sound the self forgiveness, out loud, using my vocal chords and diaphragm: this is the turning of the key. Living the words in my voice = having the key in the lock, and turning the key. Physical application. Using my body as an instrument, and playing a coded symphony to the demise of a particular ailment. It's like tuning the body.

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So, at this point in my process of understanding how everything hangs together, I am ready to commit to a daily application of spoken Self Forgiveness. I know clearly, and first-handedly the value of this practice, and I see no reason not to incorporate this into my daily routine. I'm going to start with a 90-day commitment, and go from there. I'll keep you posted.



Cool related audio from Bernard:
2012 - When Self Forgiveness is Real?