Day 177 - Trying to Hide

Desteni Artwork by Andrew Gable

If I wasn't so committed within myself to write everyday, I wouldn't be here writing this right now. I've been looking for distractions as if I was going crazy...I think I am crazy, and I'm just starting to really see it. I've been accepting and allowing myself to run and hide from myself most of today. What's fascinating me is that I've been doing this for a much longer time than just today. It's scary to think about. It invokes shame, regret, disappointment...

There seems to always be more, but even within this statement, I am holding myself back from the specific facing of each point through a design of saying "too much for me to see clearly" (in between the lines), and so warrant myself to give up on myself. This is some bullshit. I no longer allow this self-abuse to continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I've been giving up on myself within the thought that there is too much to be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and disengage when faced with an apparent circumstance where too much is at play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to fear and run from what's practically here when it seems like too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe and return to myself here, realizing that the feeling of too much is simply another reaction of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my reactions toward responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to escape from my reactions, not realizing that they are just compounding and becoming accentuated within and through delay.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for what I've allowed, not realizing how this anger is a reaction that isn't best for all. With the anger, I hold myself back from being effective within anything. Within the breathing application, I stabilize and direct myself as an equal and one participant with life in doing what's best for all.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not do what's best for me in every moment. I realize this is a process of becoming aware of my physical body through and as breathing, and so I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to run from my problems.

Temporary solutions are not solutions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is permissible to just try to cover up and hide my allowances within self. This is unacceptable. Take a look at the whole picture. How does this moment's action contribute to the whole/end game? Wasting my time with media and distractions is not much different than using drugs and alcohol. I am trying to hide that I am running from my problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and hide from myself that I am trying to run and hide from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from myself in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remember to breathe and direct myself in alignment with what is best for me and all. Until this is the dominant habit of my living expression, I write. I write my experience, share it with the world (because that's cool), and I face each and every inner dynamic of my being until I am wholly aligned with the best for all principle. Any thing less than best for all is not what I want.

Basically, it's time to grow up and become responsible for every aspect of myself. This is my mission. This is what I will wake up with in mind. I commit myself to stop running from my responsibility toward myself and all. I commit myself to stop trying to hide that I am hiding/running. I commit myself to practically applying myself within these words.

When and as I see myself trying to run, then trying to hide that I'm running, then try to hide that I'm hiding that I'm running, I stop I breathe. I realize that getting angry with myself is only another mental friction that I have also been trying to hide. I commit myself to stop hiding, running, and reacting toward the running and hiding with anger that I have tried to hide.

When and as I see myself within the experience of too much and move to run/hide this, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not effectively circumventing the situation as it simply compounds/delays the consequence. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see this pattern earlier, and for getting angry at myself for not having seen this pattern earlier.

Until here and no further, I commit myself to stop delaying without concern or consideration for the sum total of consequences that I am accumulating through postponement.

I commit myself to walking the multiple dimensions of this delay character that finds it permissible to postpone the inevitable facing of myself here. Because I am compromising what I can make of myself with every moment that I throw away in repetitive patterns of self-abuse.

I commit myself to breathe. Keep breathing. Keep moving.

I realize this isn't an overnight process, and while it may take some time to sort this all our for myself, this is not to be used as an excuse for further delay. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use this realization of non-instant self-transformation as an excuse to procrastinate. I commit myself to keep getting back up and on track within each and every breath. Write.