Continuing from yesterday with relevant Self-Forgiveness, then onward to solidify the realizations of today.
Ah, firstly, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make self-forgiveness a chore of a puzzle wherein I experience resistance from a consideration/fear of how others will perceive my structure/continuity/correctness, effectively removing myself from the picture and making the forgiveness about others' perception, not writing from the heart and for myself alone. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize this point behind the experience of resistance. I now see how I can flow within self-forgiveness when I make it about me & for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not understand the why and how I let myself procrastinate instead of focusing on the next relevant point and continue my self investigation. Through that belief of not knowing, I was giving up before attempting to actually consider the why. I commit myself to stop giving into the feeling of resistance that keeps me stagnate in the moments of transcendence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the unpleasant energy of resistance as "I can't," "it's too much/it's too hard," and through allowing these escape thoughts, I delay/avoid the unpleasantness instead of investigating it.
OK, design layout:
- Temporary positive distraction
- Temporary negative feeling placement
I see here that I've been very unstable within my relationship to doing work. I've been allowing the mental energy, without realizing it as that, to direct me within temporary emotionally driven experiences. This is a nice key to see the instability.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually follow my emotions and feelings, and for not considering the whole picture - where I have allowed myself to simply seek immediate and temporary pleasures AND avoid dealing with projected dissatisfaction. This is when I place blame on something external for causing an unpleasant experience, and move away from that external object/person instead of investigating myself within that relationship. Where does the investigation lead? I guess I'll have to just wait and find out when that moment of specific self-investigation comes. (Example: like with how I started the forgiveness today: "Ah, firstly..." - that was an example of how I I found the source of the resistance toward the work/writing SF, which was not doing SF for and as me.) Cool.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to run from the resistance and negative experiences instead of investigating them in relation to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to correctly investigate myself and so not try.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within investigating myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up before even making the effort to investigate certain particular patterns.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this energy pattern of resistance and that I am able to go into the points of resistance within a self-honest investigation of self to determine the source of the feeling generation so that I may apply forgiveness and the corrective application statement.
When and as I see myself attempting to piece together and construct my self-forgiveness and corrective application writings from an externalized starting point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this creates a resistance or hesitation that I can flag point to bring self back to here. I commit myself to utilize the starting point of myself/for myself, here, when I am about to commence self-forgiveness.
When and as I see myself within resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that running away from the negative experiences and toward a positive distraction is a temporary fix, wherein I do not consider what's best for all. I commit myself to address these moments of instability through careful investigation, making sure not to slip into overwhelmingness and given into the resistance of facing resistance.
When and as I see myself participating within an distraction, I stop I breathe. I, from this moment of self-honest self-awareness, discern if the side-task is justified within supporting my physical. I realize that the mental-supporting asides are energetic addictions. I commit myself to be patient with my self-investigation process, not to get frustrated by the resistance of actual self-change, and to allow myself the space-time to work out my addictions to self-compromising activities.
Today was monumental post in how it flowed from the beginning and new insight arose from the process of writing. The title started as "Justified Aside," and expanded as I opened it up more. I don't think I hit every point from yesterday that I wanted to let go of, so I'll be back.
Thanks. Enjoy your process.