Next relevant point to mind is getting ahead of myself. I'm not speaking/writing as one and equal with the living word of myself. And for this, I forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compose words into a statement that is not one and equal as an expression of myself as life.
Here, I realize that I must not go into the reaction of disappointment, discouragement, frustration, giving-up. This is also the mind's expression. I do not allow it to direct me when and as I see it.
OK, another serious point: There is a feeling of instability within my writing. A hazy glaze at times; others, in control, clear, on point. There is a polarity here, and the feeling fluctuates within it.
So, I think I've discovered another layer: feeling good about my writing, insights, realizations, commitments vs. feeling bad about resistance to writing, lostness, not understanding, falling from commitments.
Which then leads me to think that, "have I been messing up? Have I been wasting my time? Am I unable to be effective?" Back to the beginning: Self-doubt
It's not as if I've made no progress, the flag points I've set are in effect and there is indeed overlap between process and real life. I just don't want to compromise myself any longer my making this process secondary to my 'normal' life as a system. I don't want to indulge in the carefree indulgences any longer. I don't want to fail in freeing myself from the cycles of self-abuse.
Writing isn't a magical process. It's simply me with me, moving me to be free. Haha, sounds magical.
In ways I have 'magicified' this process. I have placed it in separation of me in one way or another. I see others that are more comfortable with the self-forgiveness writing process, and somehow I keep seeing myself as behind and needing to get up to speed, but I have only ever moved myself to get up to speed when time presses me. Throughout school, time pushed me to a point of 'must do' for the tasks that I resisted. Why? Because I have been in the routine of weakness, or submission to the guilty pleasure, specifically, guilt from postponing what I know I should be doing.
I've created a fully ingrained habit for pushing aside my work for the fun side of life. Always, I look for chances to combine the two. Sometimes that looks like procrastinating one ask to get other work done. Sometimes I will decide to move into something productive because the task is social in some regard,. where my other-self reflection/definition is on the line.
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I like how I can just flow and write as I would in my written journal for the two years before I started this JTL blog, but I realize that within this style I am just doing the fun part. I've long enjoyed self-discovery. What's relevant here is how I've defined self-forgiveness as not fun. Why? Fear of messing up = writing in separation as if the SF is not real/valid/appropriate/working. Where am I in the the SF statements? I am somewhere in the background, pushing myself to write through the resistance. Yet the resistance is linked to my ineffectiveness of separating myself from the living word....
A cycle. A positive feedback loop. If I do not become the directive principle of my words then why am I even writing the forgiveness? This is a key realization. So not only am I avoiding the depth, but the reason that I am avoiding depth is because of the resistance to process that is me actually/literally resisting process. Like we manifest our fear. Like I manifest my resistance. I didn't even realize that this experience of resistance is also literally me within resistance. I gotta stop this resistance, but first I have to find out where and why. I realize I have a long way to go to get this all out, but going to be with me and do it every step of the way.
Goal: Establish all points of resistance, all related outflows, each feeling/emotional experience, backchat, imagination, each part of me and my experience involved with each one point. That is process.
Bring self back here, and work with self practically through the turmoil and realizations. Breathe through the ups and the downs, breathe through the consequence.
I commit myself to making process a priority of my life. I no longer am going to sit back and wait for process to push me as I have been through allowing myself to wait until the last minute to compose each daily post.
When and as I see myself able to be existing for myself as what's best for me as all, I stop I breathe. Before the next moment comes into play without a full consideration for myself in that moment, I realize that I am able to direct myself and whatever direction I take there is consequence. Will I support what is best for me as life or will I compromise my self / my time?
To be continued...
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| From this YouTube Interview |
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