Day 190 - Anger Departure

The other day, my mama and I were in the car and entering the arena of political conversation as things started to get heated. We arrived at our destination and the anger system demon reached it's fullest expression in my mother. My reaction was to leave her presence as I had no come back that could be of any value. So as I walked around the super market, the anger festered within me. I didn't really have a clear action plan, but instead of getting dinner with my mom, I decided to buy some of my favorite ginger snap cookies and walk home. When I saw her, I said "I'm just going to walk home. You need to be alone right now." I too needed to be alone.
Anger Controlls Him
Photo credit: Wikipedia

Here, my expression of anger was a mix of spite and responsibility. In the moment, I was more trying to teach my mom a lesson / establish control / put myself in harm's way (the cold weather & time lost). I only later realized (when working through my DIP lesson) that walking away can be an appropriate action when the alternative is bouncing the anger-ball back and forth. To wait out the anger and not keep feeding it is suggested. But like I said, I was more lost for words and expressing my anger with this more drastic & dramatic departure. Let's work this out for myself:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when my mom becomes angry and deliberately attacks me for not having a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express my anger with spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move my anger into backchat and internal conversation, instead of breathing and addressing what's here practically.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am actually angry with myself, and that I can actually learn why by seeing why I was anger at the other person. In this case, I was angry at her for repeated power-play, as an inconsiderate low-blow, despite any shared understanding we've reached on how I'm choosing to spend my time. When I turn that back to me, I see my struggle for display/confirmation of power over others and not being considerate of them as life/equals. Will address this dimension tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to hold onto the anger, as I held a grudge for several days after this event by not really speaking or interacting toward her.
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When and as I see myself holding onto a grudge, I stop, I breathe, I become self-honest with myself. I realize that avoiding communication is not a practical means of conflict resolution. I commit myself to pushing through that barrier/fear/resistance of breaking the ice and speaking about the sensitive issue from the starting point of facilitating what's best for all. I forgive myself that I have not had the courage to speak up and facilitate conflict resolution communication as a self-honest expression of what's best for all.

When and as I see myself within a game of 'anger tennis,' I stop I breathe. I realize the anger as energy and not real, so it must come to an end as no energy can last forever. I commit myself to taking the position of the "lesser," the humble and patient state of beingness in interpersonal anger episodes, within this standing within the principle of what's best for all. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stabilize within best for all, and for allowing my self-interested inclination to flourish and crave to hit the anger-ball back to one-up my opponent. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my oneness and equality in moments of anger.

When and as I see myself moving my anger into my mind as internal conversation and backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that this kind of venting is an energetic reaction and participation that feeds my mind consciousness system and supports my nature as an organic robot. I commit myself to stopping the participation of internal conversation within the realization that it does not support me or what's best for all. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself realize that internal conversation does not support me as life in doing what's best for me and all. I see that it primarily only suits my self-interest in imagined outflows of continuing the energetic tennis match so that I may be able to win the fight later.

When and as I see myself angry at another person, expressed or within backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that when a point charges me enough to blame an external source for causing it, I am trying to show myself something. I commit myself to bringing all points back to myself so that I may walk the forgiveness and stand as a living walking example of self-honesty, as life doing what's best for all life, equally.

Figure out where you stand, for you: DIP Lite
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