Day 188 - Finding My Breath

by Desteni Artists

Last night, I was kind of panicked thinking about how much I have to work out and still discover of my accepted and allowed lifestyle patterns. Overwhelmed and inadequate pretty much sums up my feeling. I realized that I am having an internal battle with myself  in relation to fearing nonacceptance of me by others. This problem is not to be solved within the relationship of others as I have been trying to do my whole life. This problem is solved by turning inwards to see what I have accepted and allowed within my relationship to myself. Where did I create a belief about myself as inadequate and in need of validation from others? This is a big question that I will have to solve in layers over time.

Today, I've been coming back to my breath more often than any of my days prior. There is a strength within it, more of a stability. Something I can trust.

Yesterday, as mush as I hate to admit it, I felt like I've been putting on a show within my self-forgiveness process. I've been so focused on getting it right and getting that approval from others. There have been posts that felt quite sincere as being an expression of myself, but in general, I've not been grounded within my breath. But I started this paragraph within an emotion toward myself, "hate to admit it," and this is anger. In my lesson material from DIP, there is a bit on "all anger as self anger." It rings true, but isn't immediately obvious. That's why I'm investigating!

I realize that I can always come back to the breath to stand up from within my mind. I also realize that all thoughts/feelings related to self-defeatism are of a mental participation and is not real. Only through my acceptance and allowance do these thoughts and feelings take hold.

I commit myself to take myself through process point by point. This feeling being overwhelmed and rushed is not working, so I must change to be effective. One of my favorite quotes from Lao Tzu is
"nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished." I am to be as nature within and as my physical body, within and as each in breath and out breath. One breath, one moment, one point, one process.

Tomorrow I will continue with some specific & honest expressions of self-forgiveness.