Day 238 - "I can't do it" in my Imagination

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I went rock climbing today for the first time in a long time, and I conveniently got a bit closer to my "I can't do it" character. There was one particular spot that I was stuck at, and my forearms were starting to turn to fire. And to reach the point of 'giving up' I had imagined the possibilities and nothing seemed to work. I couldn't make the reach. I 'gave up.'

Thankfully, my belay buddy caught me and wouldn't let me down. I was throwing a mini fit while I contemplated a second attempt with what little strength I had left. Thanks to her stubbornness, I got the chance to hang out, 40 feet above the ground, and cool off. Eventually I found the needed foot hold that I had missed while frantically imagining the possibilities that all led to failure, and I was able to finish the climb.

This imagination dimension is just one piece of this puzzle that I utilize to persuade myself that "I can't do it." I will continue to write about the other character dimensions in upcoming posts. This character is as good as any for getting acquainted with these dimensions that are behavioral blueprints of the mind in a way. I will soon make a post that overviews these character dimensions that are essentially the foundational components of each personality we have created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the possible scenarios/options that do not work and lead to failure, instead of taking a breath and really examining all possibilities that are here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to operate and based my decisions from an imagined version of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can imagine opportunities and the play outs of each scenario better from within my mind than I could if I was just operating within and from the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to figure out what is here in a moment and so rely on my superior observational powers of imagined reality play outs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and retreat away from a goal when the going gets tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate imagined failure to motivate myself to become the "I can't do it" character/personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was operating from a panicked, energy state of mind when I was going through imagined possibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the physical and focus all my attention on a limited rendition of reality.
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When and as I see myself imagining "all" the possibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may missing opportunities I haven't uploaded into my mental video player. I commit myself to flag pointing the "I can't do it" character and backtracking to see how I have convinced myself that "I can't do it."

When and as I see myself imagining failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have diminished what is physically here into/as a mental representation of what I think might happen. I commit myself to the realization that I am not considering reality when I am imagining. I know this will take awhile before I am comfortably living self-trust within each and every here-moment as the breath and to be able to make this my starting point of every decision. I commit myself to familiarizing myself with the character dimensions / mind blueprints so that I am able to see the activation sequence more readily. This way I will be more able and prepared to STOP the personality before it possesses me.

When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do it" because I have imagined all the possibilities and reached a conclusion of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that if failure is inevitable from a starting point assessment based within the physical reality, I would then make a common sense decision. I realize that if failure seems likely based on a starting point of mental processing, I need to take a breath and get back to what is really here. I commit myself to stop thinking that I know it all, because from this mental 'knowing' I realize I do not know what I do not know. I breathe. I keep coming back to reality. I stop the characters when and as I see them. It could be an instant stop. It could take a month of writing. I am no longer concerned with being able to always be able to stop the character from the get-go because I realize that some of these personalities are deeply ingrained into my physical-flesh.

No more panicked judgments of reality. Slow down Dan.

Day 184 - Effective Planning Application

In the beginning of this year (on Day 162), I had set a new year's resolution to become a better planner. Well, I later became aware (on Day 174) that setting an intention to change self based on a timeline, is an externalizing abdication of responsibility, and rather we need to internalize the responsiblity to change oneself in one, all, and every moment. It's true.

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My intention to become a better planner has come about through my new physical, daily task list, but I'm not 100% consistent nor comprehensive. I paid the consequence for it today by spending the whole day typing up a project that was a day late. It wasn't all bad though. I'm currently retraining myself to be able to type faster and without looking, and appreciated the practice in using the right fingers for the right keys. And Anu's story is always so fascinating: Reptilians – How I Justified taking Control of Existence - Part 84 - It was a fun interview to transcribe, but for the Spanish folk who only get to read the translation, they're going to miss out on the entertaining voice intonations! It's worth a listen. And now I'm off track...which leads my mind to another planning perspective: Moment to moment style.

For now, I am going to just reconsider Planning Applied, as planned :)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not plan my plans as a honest expression of myself. I can see myself still setting intentions outside of myself in a way were they are only considered once or a few times in the beginning, follow through = non existent.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider the entirety of action steps required for the completion of the task in contemplation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place a plan practically within a time frame in the physical. Written or typed or drawn. Mental is not acceptable because my mind is unstable...Some simple tasks can be mental, but I guess this is a point of self-honesty in knowing how I am and who I am within setting an intention. I ask myself: Is it idealized and distant? Or practical and here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my ability to get things done based within my past experience of successful procrastination. Here, I overestimate my ability and completely do not consider the consequences that came from procrastinating, i.e. less sleep, less freedom, stress, worry, general physical compromise (poor eating, nail biting, etc.), missing opportunities (social and otherwise: getting other work done, maybe attending a guest lecture). Point is, delay is not fun or cool, yet my mind likes to believe that "I can do it and get away with it, so I may has well."
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When and as I see myself half-planning, I stop I breathe. I realize that a vague plan is really not at all a plan that is concrete or stable. I commit myself to re-educating myself on how to plan effectively. This will be done through practice and trial & error (where error's are examined).

When and as I see that I have failed to plan, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must have set another plan in separation of myself. I commit myself to not judge myself, and rather physicalize a new plan and to keep moving. To keep practicing carrying out plans is the only way I will establish the stability and comfortablity required to be an effective planner. It starts now, then, and whenever I need to do anything (which is all the time).

Here I plan, and Here I complete.

Day 181 - Physical aside vs. Mental jump

Thanks Kitty!  pic from Day 10

When I don't know what to write or how to begin one of these entries, I have realized the effectiveness of just simply beginning to write. This was a particularly cool moment of deciding what to write on today because my cat helped me out. I was just beginning to get into my writing about how it is that I jump from one task to the next in a moment of even the slightest resistance toward the initial task, and my cat that I call "kitty" interrupted me. I talked back to her, "you just creep up to me, cast a single 'meow' and get my attention so easily." I realized that I was just writing about distractions, but this was a different caliber of distraction.

Physically induced aside vs Mental jump. This is what I wrote verbatim in my journal after excitingly thanking her for helping me achieve the insight that inspired today's post :)

A physical distraction is much different than my own mental thinking distractions, yet also very similar in how they both take my attention away from the present task. A physical distraction is more acceptable in my opinion, and when a physical distraction is unwanted, it's easier to say no to. A mental distraction with an energy attached, for instance, the energy of curiosity, is very easy to follow, especially when faced with a more mundane alternative, primary task.

So, the prevalent point I've been working with: "Procrastination," has a new perspective that I intend to utilize to cross-reference when I am having trouble focusing on a task or daily set of tasks.

Adding perspective:
Why do I follow the mentally induced distractions? Appealing, interesting, more interesting, don't want to forget it, fear I won't get around to it, now or never, only productive in pursuing these mental asides while procrastinating a primary task. Ok, some good stuff to work with here.

Why do I allow myself to deviate from primary task? Resistance (could be many reasons; case-by-case exploration here): Unsure, uncertain, fear of wrong, fear of criticism, fear of less than great...[note here, mental haze into vague guessing of what others will think of my writing as I bite skin on middle finger, right hand], too much work, straining. Ok, I have work to do in demystifying* external work. I've placed all sort of pre-conceived notions of experience likelihood onto external work (in separation of myself).

*"demystifying" is a vocab term I learned from Neo-Tech, a $100 book I bought from a mail-flyer when I was in 6th grade, haha. It was a very hard read that I never finished, but I pulled some pretty helpful concepts of how mind/reality operates. I consider it to be one of the first stepping stones of my truth-seeking journey. As I remember it, to demystify was essential to freeing oneself from the mind-controlled way of life where we just follow suit with the rest of the populace. ...It's actually quite like the notion behind self-forgiveness, now that I look at it. Interesting. General mindset toward Neo-Tech from outsiders: "cult," haha.

Back to here. Now in this example of writing about 'demystify' as a distraction or side-track time sink: it was physically induced through writing. I suppose I kept it going via a mental choice, but how else would I write. I am writing from the starting point of free-flow-figure-it-out, so it's chill. It's not an extensive distraction within avoidance of the primary task of writing this post.

...another distraction, physically induced by music, I started a search on YouTube for the original version of Our Day Will Come. As I was watching the video, I realized myself within the distraction, traced it back to how it started, then decided to let it keep playing in the background while I log what just happened. Back to here, I realize that I can always come back to myself to direct myself. I can always trace the source of my distraction in self-honesty. Bring self back to here is THE KEY of keys.

So, all my struggles with procrastination can come down to self remembering self here; just before writing this sentence, I started closing open tabs that I no longer needed. This was a secondary task that was physically induced by sight, after responding to the end of the song and turning on another version of the song. All it takes is that moment of "what am I doing?" "what was I doing?" Self-check.

Now, furthermore and interestingly, I've been checking myself because of the content of my writing. As I continue to develop my relationship to myself within my physical breath, I will have a more stable cross-referencing point of self-honesty. That's the goal anyways.

Regardless of the type of distraction, I realize that I can always stop, breathe, and check why I have allowed my self to move within the deviation. Sometimes, this can feel out of control / overwhelming. Self-forgiveness need be applied here for allowing the energy of overwhelmingness to take control and misguide oneself into helplessness.

Ok, enough for now. Thanks for reading, and I'll continue tomorrow with the self-forgiveness and corrective application statements.

Day 172 - Glazing Over

This is a continuation from yesterday (Day 171 - Zoned Out Episodes) where I am continuing to open up this aspect of myself that seems impossible to overcome.

A friend told me today that she heard from someone who recently learned from a higher-up yogi that we should not judge ourselves for spacing out because sometimes we need it to recharge. I thought is was kind of cool because I didn't think of it as recharge. Yesterday, I was framing this phenomena as primarily a negative distraction and didn't consider it as a mental recharge. This could explain why I'm finding it so easy to drift off: Mentally, I crave it.

While I was free writing about some more Zone-Out dimensions earlier and have gained a little more insight into the extent of this mental behavior:

• It's easy in, and easy to stay in - I follow the thought, into another thought, into another...
• ends with glorified conclusion - insight, realization, connection
• Intriguing thought-train
• There is a feeling of comfort & safety associated
• I allow/excuse/justify drifting off when experiencing resistance to writing/work
• It happens while listening to others
• relating to pre-existing knowledge and/or formulating a response
• Loss of awareness of posture / all of physicality

So, bottom line: I do not support the mind as me to exist in separation any longer. When and as I see myself "recharging" my mind, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to breathe myself back into awareness of me within the physical reality that's stable and remain here always.

I commit myself to working through all the layers related to zoning out, where I let myself go free into mind without any real consideration/care for the world around me. I understand this will take some time, but without starting, I will get nowhere.

Prepare your minds for tomorrow's boatload of self-forgiveness, as I proactively remove some of these conditioned layers/relationships toward allowing my mind to freely take dominion over my awareness.

Thank you for reading.

I stopped eating donuts but thought this to be an appropriate image for today :) 

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