Day 298 - Under the hood of Self Doubt

Continuing from: Day 297 - Doubting Myself

Yesterday was a little introduction to my self-doubt character. Today I want to add some depth, still maintaining the perspective that this personality is a huge umbrella of points that I must face.....I just wandered off into a cool thought of creating an info-graphic map of my mind. Perhaps when I get closer to Day 2555, I will build a visual based on this blog. Heck, I could get started now. Day dreaming aside...actually this relates. I've come to realize that these day dreams are one of the key components of self-doubt. How? Let me explain.

I was searching for some perspective on 'doubt' in the wiki and found this blob of self forgiveness (here, and scroll down a little) related to "Desire of being Special." From there I drew a little map of how I might connect my spaciness design to self-doubt. To verbally walk you through it: My self-belief that I am special, leads me to think I will be able to obtain 'easy wins' in life, then reality hits, and I go into conflict and uncertainty. From there fear of failure grapples me to the ground.

This little cycle is nice and neat! I'm happy to have drawn it out. There is still room to expand if need be, but for now I have plenty to work with. Altogether now, out loud:
;)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get what I want more easily than others can because I am special or gifted in some way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to day dream about how I will achieve great feats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my imagination so powerful that once I have an idea, all the hard work is irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how important hard work is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can just get others to do the hard work, once they are on board with my great/special vision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape hard work my whole life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that my thoughts are special and superior to others' thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing reality and diminishing the realness of imagined greatness in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can beat reality if I am smart enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others seem dumb, so I could preserve and strengthen the idea that I am smarter than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the imagination of my ability, instead of realizing the actual value of practical application.

• In this I realize that by emotionally investing myself as the imagination version of myself that I've created the circumstances of uncertainty and self-doubt, for I am constantly reminded of the reality that is all around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fight and suppress reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually attempt to validate my own inner reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wrong about who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know who I am though imagining the best version of myself that I could, without considering who I am in the context of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure because then my inner, imagined reality of myself would shatter, and I would be lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in how I think others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct the belief of who I am, based on how I think others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear failure.

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When and as I see myself thinking about how great I will be in an imagined future, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, one and equal with the physical reality. I commit myself to start connecting my thoughts to reality by considering the practical steps that are required to achieve my vision. By doing this, I will have a grounded decision framework, instead of acting on an emotional whim whenever a 'brilliant idea' strikes.

When and as I see myself as inherently superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize I am in for an uncomfortable, humiliating experience of myself within the domain of my ego. I commit myself to remember to breathe when in the company of others, and thus realize myself as and equal and one expression of life / chunk of physical.

When and as I see myself afraid to face reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have built an expectation, based on past memories. I commit myself to start looking more closely at the memories with which I construct expectations that I invest myself in, causing fear of it not happening how I imagined it / failure within a moment of reality.

Much still to go. Thanks for reading me.

photo credit

Day 262 - DIP Lite Spot: Am I Special or Am I Not

I'd like to start off by sharing how great my experience with DIP Lite has been. I starting walking it along side the regular Desteni I Process and find it to be a awesome source of additional support. No matter what you're doing or where you're at in your life, I wholeheartedly recommend this free online course to learn about effective self-support through writing.

After my blog post yesterday (Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?), I continued to expand on the fear of failure point within DIP Lite because my writing prompt tied in so nicely. Below, I've included a screen shot of what it's like to be on the inside of one of the modules. (Step 2 does not ask to place SF and commitment statements, I just felt like doing it) Click the image to go to the main webpage for the course!

In my life, I've noticed that the inferiority fear was the primary point that I reacted to in an interpersonal interaction. I've found that my desire to be more/greater was like a blinding self-interest, and I was simply not very considerate of others. In fact, for most of my life I've only cared about others as far as it involved me. If I didn't see the benefit to self, then I wouldn't really care. I was an asshole at times for certain.

It's interesting how this egocentrism has its root in being afraid of being less, unimportant, insignificant. Within upholding this self definition of being special, there is a desire to want to progress really fast. I even put on my resume "fast learner" haha. Identifying as a fast learner kind of implies that I am smart, better, more able than the average learner. Letting this self-belief go unchecked has more consequences than one would casually consider. I'll expand more on this fast learner character tomorrow.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider what directly affects me and solely benefits me in self-interest when interacting with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've sabotaged many relationships by considering only myself within the belief that "I am special and matter more than others."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is difficult to be one and equal with everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can learn how to act in alignment with oneness and equality faster than others, not realizing that I want to maintain superiority within myself.

When and as I see myself within a "I am special" state of ego where my equal and one consideration for others is nonexistent, I stop I breathe. I realize how I am abusing my relationships with others to suit my positive self-image. I commit myself to flag point the times when I come off as rude, harsh, or just plain inconsiderate toward others to stop, breathe and check who I am in relation to another.

When and as I myself complacently being mean to degrading toward others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am within a state of negativity that I do not even realize, and that breathing application is essential to bring myself back into a stable, considerate self. I commit myself to no longer allow myself to just go with it after I realize my superiority complex at play. I commit myself to change who I am in relation to another even if it might seem weird that I change my character mid-interaction with another.

When and as I myself justifying my superiority/specialness character with "ahh, it's too hard to change and humble myself," I stop I breathe. I realize it's as simple as that.  I commit myself to flagpoint every moment I tell myself that I can't change, step down, humble myself for any reason (I.e. embarrassment, shame, anything that could deteriorate my reputation and specialness), so that I may investigate where I am still holding onto a pattern of personality that is strictly self-interested.

When and as I see myself attempting to hold onto superiority through being special, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is nothing wrong with having a superior skill set, but if I subscribe to the illusion that I am superior in ways that are not valid, that's not chill. I commit myself to educating myself in reality and stop thinking that I know everything already. BS. Will continue with this point tomorrow.

Thanks for reading :)

Day 186 - Happy Be-Earth Day

Today is my birthday.

So what?

- People give me attention. I like it. Facebook has amplified this effect by making it easier for others to contact me.
- Family wants to treat me specially.
- I feel like it is a significant day more for introspective reasons and life assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need/want/like when others give me attention because it validates my existence in a way. - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the external attention I receive, where more attention = I am more. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am more than life, in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that my family will give me special treatment on my birthday. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to power trip and take advantage of the high/special position that I am placed in to dictate how things should go today, not realizing that this is an energetic resonance that I have long sought throughout my life: control. How have I missed my control freak character?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make one day, or even one moment more special than any other moment, where in this I accept and allow the mind to amplify and augment reality as I go off into it as a departure from reality here. - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to treat every day as special and significant to reflect on who I am / who I've become, so that I can direct myself to be productive and effective within every able moment.
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When and as I see myself or a particular moment as more special than someone or some other time, I stop I breathe. I realize that my mind creates this feeling and through my participation within it, I create consequence within polarity. I commit myself to walk out of my favorite personalities/characters where I generate a conception of my self-worth in relation / comparison toward others. I commit myself to this equalization process until all is free.

openclipart

Day 167 - Got to get here quick! pt.3

When and as I see myself motivating myself within comparison, I stop I breathe. I realize this has been a large contributor within how I've learned to move myself in this world system. I commit myself to investigating self-honest, self-direction that involves no energy displacement within a relationship, but instead is a movement from within a breath that is common sense and best for all.

The past 2 days I have been taking a look at my orientation toward the haste energy, looking to see where it comes from. Why did I incorporate these particular aspects of haste within my personality?

Reasons:
Fear of being worse / inadequate / not special / behind / unsuccessful
Fear of losing opportunities / experience

That's just what first comes to mind, and it already a lot to work with. So I'll begin and see where my typing fingers take me.

cc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being worse than others in a way where I am left in the dust, powerless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not special. But what really matters is that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to be special to be at the top of society and have positive life experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling behind and not being able to catch up to where I could have been if only I didn't fail or compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of failure and so fear taking risks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was attracted to risky behavior within myself in trying to hide that I was actually afraid to take serious risks, especially in relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear non acceptance and rejection from others, and for allowing myself to place my self-worth in the hands of others. I now realize that I have been creating my self-concept from what I see of my self in others as mirrors (their reactions to me). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on how others react to me. I commit myself to decoding my self-definitions based in relationships to my external, and realigning the notion of self-discovery with out fear of what I may or may not be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear missing out on life and the glorious experiences that I could obtain within fleeting moments of opportunity. This is also a big point. Feeling a tad overwhelmed again: "how can I address this giant mode of existence that I long ago defined myself in relation to? I just unpacked/discovered the possibility of self-discovery without defining myself in separation/relation toward others. These are both huge points!"

Well, Dan, keep breathing and give yourself the time to write it out for yourself, so you can see the whole design of it all...

When and as I see myself rushing to be the best that I can be so that I do not end up being less powerful in relation to others, I stop I breathe. I realize this point is largely why I stopped studying math, for when it got more difficult and others started becoming better than me, I shut down..THIS IS IT. This is the design of relying on comparison for self-worth, self-value, self-definition. I commit myself to slowly working through all of these points related to my hasty life orientation complex.

When and as I see myself fearing loss of experience or opportunity for experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that the game of mind, What If? is only a game of mind and based in separation of self, here. I commit myself to working through the layers of this mental process. I commit myself to stop allowing my fear of loss program to compromise the effective application of myself in every moment of every breath.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special, I stop I breathe. I realize this is a whole other massive point that will require a serious amount of space-time to walk through because I have spent a serious amount of space-time participating within and as feeling special/great/greater. I commit myself to flagpointing the moments when I go into feeling special, so that I may write and deconstruct the underlying design herein. I commit myself to not judge myself when I catch myself feeling greater than another. Simply, I take note of it, and work it out for myself in a this self-honest process of self-discovery. I am not here to ego battle any longer.

So, the basis of today is, I've been rushing to become better, from a starting point of fear of being worse/less. This energy stops here. I commit myself to the stability that is here within each moment of self-honest self-direction that requires no energy-relationship to move self.

Self-discovery is fun!

to be continued for at least 2388 more days :)

Related articles

• Day 145 - Fear of losing ______.
• Day 165 - Got to get here quick!
• Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF