Day 317 - Supporting Myself Through Resistance

There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.

If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.

So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.

Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.

Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.

When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.

Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.

When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.

When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all.  I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.

I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.

Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.

To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:

Day 297 - Doubting Myself

flickr

It's vicious habit. When watch myself spiral and go into a state of being that I had no desire to be in, I play victim without a clear target for blame. In this type of situation, I'm pretty sure that I know I am responsible for my behavior and mental state, but I suppress it and turn to a confused state. This confused state is also uncomfortable, so it gets suppressed too. At this point, I've buried all evidence of self-responsibility, including the irresolution. I am left with no other option than to carry on, and so make the choice to do so as effectively as I can - meaning focus on the next motivation, stay happy, stay intrigued, be cool.

This is a pretty intimate writing investigation. I've never really spent the time to see this pattern, this doubt character and all the mental processes that are within it. Though I may exist as this, even presently, I have the power to change. The Desteni group has played a pivotal part in my path of self-introspection. They say write, I resist. I resist for a little over two years. Damn. I can't even begin to wonder where I would be now if I was serious and proactive from the get go, but I don't because I'm here now.

Getting stuck in the past is the cause of self-doubt. I mean, why would I doubt myself without a preconceived idea of how I might fail, based in my past? I wouldn't. If I was just here, I'd have no reason to doubt me. I would only be able to express me, and herein lies a key: If I am not simply here, where, how and why am I hung up on my past?

Like a little child, I must keep asking "why" to get to the bottom of any personality formation. I realize that I'm not going to walk through and release all the dimensions of my self doubt character in clump. I've tried that in earlier posts. Even now I have this same feeling of clarity and insight into myself, that I react to by thinking/feeling that now I see everything and I'm ready to change RIGHT NOW. Such an ego moment. Flag point: "I see it all" / desire for self-change right now. Now, I understand I need to give myself the time to really walk each and every step.

Step 1 was start writing, check.
Step 2 could be different for everyone I suppose. I focused on getting comfortable with forgiving myself while holding my sights on this mysterious concept of self-honesty. The more I slow down and really consider each thought/energy/movement within me, the more I see where I can apply self-honesty. It's certainly a process. They call it the process of self, and it looks something like this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have everything sorted out within me as soon as I reveal to myself the tip of the ice berg of a single personality manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have it all sorted out before I start sorting it all out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my self-investigation because I fear failure / rejection / criticism because I have placed more weight on what others think of me than what I think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things would have played out differently, not realizing how this state of thinking is contributing to and creating myself here now and in the future. I am determining my future through my hang ups on the past. This has to stop. How? Be here. How? Breathe. Also, investigate the layers and patterns that I participate in given certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my past reactions, and thus play victim of my residual/momentous past self instead of breathing and being here with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix my past self. *click* That's what I've been trying to do all along. I've been focused and frustrated trying to change the unchangeable self of the past.

I'm going to let this settle. Join tomorrow for added depth.

Day 286 - Self in Context of Human Rights

Spending even a little bit of time researching the current human rights affairs leaves a feeling of overwhelming disappointment. There is all this and that going on about human rights, but no one* is really doing anything to prevent the atrocities that take place on this planet. No one can have peace of mind without a a sweet monetary cushion. So really, the only people who can have the luxury of protected rights are those who can afford them, those that can afford legal defense and mitigation....ooo, that word is charged negatively in me. I don't know about you but I become somewhat enraged with the thought of the fortunate humans taking advantage of their fortunes to mitigate life circumstances to remain in a bubble, whereas the less fortunate human beings get no other option but full force misery. Word of the moment: Unfair

I have particular relationship to unfairness that I've been half aware of since my little brother was born. Now, I realize that all this time that "I wanted things to be fair," I actually only cared I was dealt a hand of unfair cards. As long as I was moving through circumstance of fairness or better, I was content. Through this, I unfairly treated others and my brother in particular. He was the easy target that I used to practice getting my way. I didn't realize the consequences of my behavior until I started studying the Desteni material. It is here that I really started considering who I am, instead of just what I want. I welcomed the core message of Self-Honesty, and so began process.

So far, I'v been very focused on myself. I understand that I need to work out my quirks to stabilize with an awareness of self so I can prevent unnecessary consequence. I'm not with every breath just yet, but progress is being made as an accumulation of awareness. A practical example: Flag pointing that feeling of superiority. I've been much more considerate of the awareness/stance of others when in conversation. This is just one aspect of the superiority/inferiority construct, and I still have a lot to walk through related to my inferiority complex - which is where I started from when I began constructing my ego drive for superiority.

What does all my personal baggage have to do with human rights? This relates to the point I addressed in yesterday's blog: Day 285 - Responsibility to Myself as Existence as a Whole where I basically connected my self-responsibility to worldly-responsibility (with plenty of room to elaborate in posts to come; it's a process). For now, I commit myself to spend a nice blend of my time writing for self here and for self as all through the equal human rights campaign.

I commit myself to spending the time to investigate human rights as an equal and one relationship with how I've committed myself to spending time on my individual process. It's time to get crackin: All for One and One for All style :)

Special thanks to Marlen's Equal Life Rights post! Check it out.

Day 262 - DIP Lite Spot: Am I Special or Am I Not

I'd like to start off by sharing how great my experience with DIP Lite has been. I starting walking it along side the regular Desteni I Process and find it to be a awesome source of additional support. No matter what you're doing or where you're at in your life, I wholeheartedly recommend this free online course to learn about effective self-support through writing.

After my blog post yesterday (Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?), I continued to expand on the fear of failure point within DIP Lite because my writing prompt tied in so nicely. Below, I've included a screen shot of what it's like to be on the inside of one of the modules. (Step 2 does not ask to place SF and commitment statements, I just felt like doing it) Click the image to go to the main webpage for the course!

In my life, I've noticed that the inferiority fear was the primary point that I reacted to in an interpersonal interaction. I've found that my desire to be more/greater was like a blinding self-interest, and I was simply not very considerate of others. In fact, for most of my life I've only cared about others as far as it involved me. If I didn't see the benefit to self, then I wouldn't really care. I was an asshole at times for certain.

It's interesting how this egocentrism has its root in being afraid of being less, unimportant, insignificant. Within upholding this self definition of being special, there is a desire to want to progress really fast. I even put on my resume "fast learner" haha. Identifying as a fast learner kind of implies that I am smart, better, more able than the average learner. Letting this self-belief go unchecked has more consequences than one would casually consider. I'll expand more on this fast learner character tomorrow.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider what directly affects me and solely benefits me in self-interest when interacting with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've sabotaged many relationships by considering only myself within the belief that "I am special and matter more than others."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is difficult to be one and equal with everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can learn how to act in alignment with oneness and equality faster than others, not realizing that I want to maintain superiority within myself.

When and as I see myself within a "I am special" state of ego where my equal and one consideration for others is nonexistent, I stop I breathe. I realize how I am abusing my relationships with others to suit my positive self-image. I commit myself to flag point the times when I come off as rude, harsh, or just plain inconsiderate toward others to stop, breathe and check who I am in relation to another.

When and as I myself complacently being mean to degrading toward others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am within a state of negativity that I do not even realize, and that breathing application is essential to bring myself back into a stable, considerate self. I commit myself to no longer allow myself to just go with it after I realize my superiority complex at play. I commit myself to change who I am in relation to another even if it might seem weird that I change my character mid-interaction with another.

When and as I myself justifying my superiority/specialness character with "ahh, it's too hard to change and humble myself," I stop I breathe. I realize it's as simple as that.  I commit myself to flagpoint every moment I tell myself that I can't change, step down, humble myself for any reason (I.e. embarrassment, shame, anything that could deteriorate my reputation and specialness), so that I may investigate where I am still holding onto a pattern of personality that is strictly self-interested.

When and as I see myself attempting to hold onto superiority through being special, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is nothing wrong with having a superior skill set, but if I subscribe to the illusion that I am superior in ways that are not valid, that's not chill. I commit myself to educating myself in reality and stop thinking that I know everything already. BS. Will continue with this point tomorrow.

Thanks for reading :)

Day 199 - Exploring Indecisiveness

I have had trouble making decisions for a long time, so I can safely say this is a large point that I can't get out thoroughly in one post. I've spent a lot of time these first < 200 days opening up points, and not really sticking to one and walking it through to completion. I aim to become more specific and focused in the coming days, but for now, I continue to expand on what I've found with my initial investigation of indecision.

First things to mind are a fear of the future / making the wrong choice / making less than the best choice for myself. In this I discovered that I have always been primarily considering what is best for me. Anything that ultimately served my self-interest was how I made decisions.

Couple that with doubt / fear of making the wrong decision, and we have indecisiveness. The way I've framed it is a step backward into uncertainty from the perspective that my choice is already made: that which best serves me as a mind consciousness system organic robot human.

So, when I discovered Desteni just over 3 years ago, I went into existential shock and started to fit in the concept of acting in the interest of what's best for all. Had I not been all into spirituality and reading a book called Oneness by Rasha, I probably would have more readily rejected the Desteni message. Anyway, in this transference process of self-honest, self-investigation, I'm finding a lot of crap that I never wanted to ever take responsibility for. Thanks to me as life, I am here, walking out of my mind through breathing and this writing process.

What I have deduced from this little exploration: Indecision can be used as a flag point for self-interest. Best for all decisions are common sense and could be termed "the responsible thing to do." And indecision and mind chatter is likely me fearing that I can't figure out what is the best choice for me.

Interesting. I just ran this through testing: Sit here and write this post vs. Watch a TV show called Touch with my parents. I find that the internal debate is only in mind as thoughts accompanied by feelings. I would like to go watch television and allow myself to relax and enjoy a nice, easily-consumed story. What is best for all is me facing me. I chose to delay again, and I suffer the same consequence of having to miss out on whatever. There is also a distinguishable flow to writing that happens in contrast of the choppy indecisiveness, but I'm not ready to explore this point yet. <- Doubt that I should have ever written that. Almost deleted. It stays.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into a mental chatter about should I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the 'wrong' decision as defined by what is not best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can make a wrong decision. There is only the choice of self-honesty in every moment. Do I try to deceive myself within this, or do I do the common sense option.
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When and as I see myself trying to mentally figure out what to do, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am either trying to justify self-compromise, or I am choosing to support what is best for me as an equal as life. I commit myself to further investigating indecision in the context of when it arrives, and to breathe some common sense into all my future decisions.