There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.
If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.
So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.
Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.
Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.
When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.
Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.
When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.
When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all. I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.
I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.
Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
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To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview: