Since I've started writing this blog, I've known the true purpose is to support myself in understanding who I have become, so that I am best prepared to produce actual, lasting self-change. The conundrum was that I only knew it, and wasn't really living it. For some part I was, but my focus was oriented very similar to how I oriented my focus in school: Delay, and get it done at the last minute because I have to (because of some external reason). This attitude carried over into my Desteni I Process, because that's all I really knew when it came to doing work.
That being said, now I find that I have begun to actually write for me. How can I tell? I've released the concept that I need to have a post done everyday according to an external guidance or recommendation. Don't get me wrong. I do see the value in making the time to write a post everyday. There are benefits to it that I am still realizing the value thereof, such as stability, planning, follow through and dedication. So, now they've missed more days lately than I am used to, some different self-perspectives are popping up, and I'm starting to see how I'd automated my daily posts without considering my starting point purpose!
That now being said, I still feel like I'm writing in a voice for a general audience, rather than a raw, authentic, 'note to self' voice. So, I realize that it will be a process for me to get a hang of self-writing for self alone. As I remove the layers of my automation, I realize new patterns will emerge. I must face the entirety of me in time. One pattern at I time, I commit myself to deconstructing the specific qualities of my various characters, so that I can gain root access to my physical body, from which I then commit myself to restructuring myself in alignment with what is best for all in the context of when/where/how that specific quality of me is present.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk process from a starting point of separation where I have defined myself in relation to how I think others will perceive me through my writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my starting point in separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist process because I believe I owe myself to my readers and others that might hold me accountable for my "daily" writing commitment, not realizing that I've only ever been sabotaging myself, alone. I realize this is for me. Others may or may not benefit on a side note, but I write for me.
Ok, this is going to to be interesting. I'll start experimenting with a more core writing voice, just naturally letting my self flow write to myself. I have have experience in doing this in my hand written process journal, but even there I recall writing while thinking about how what I write may come off to a future reader that isn't me. Contrived. Inorganic. Artificial. This must stop. It's not best for all, or even anyone. Self-writing is what is best for me and all, especially when I publicize my work.
Ok Dan, sleep. Tomorrow, write some awesome, articulate insight while finishing up that unfinished post from a few days ago. Self, out.
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