Day 330 - Always A Fight


It goes something like this: I get into a fight or a disagreement, and my reaction is to protect and defend my position at all costs. I get consumed by my desire to come out on top. In extreme or subtle circumstances, I will go to unfair lengths to defend my original perception. In a family situation, it is easy to be more harsh. In relationships with people that are less established, my knowledge superiority thoughts are likely to be suppressed. So it's not to be taken for granted when I am with family as there is a lot that can be learned by observing my reactive expression while in a comfort zone.

Ways and whys I would take my home-life experiences for granted:
- typical interaction
- blame

That pretty much covers it. There's a lot to look at in blame, yet the concept is simple. Every time I'm in my head telling myself it's their fault for my current experience, I can't see my own responsibility in any given situation. I literally do not want to see how I am responsible. Resistance to humility.

This is a critical point to look at. Not wanting to "step down" is at least half the reason I so adamantly strive to be right when in an argument. Interesting to consider the momentum that builds. Once I'm already in an argument, it's much harder to humble myself, back down, and/or admit that I'm wrong. Prevention is the best cure, and I'm in the business of doing what best for all, so it's time to figure out the pattern(s), understand it, recognize it, then stop it before it starts. Walk it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself resist being wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself with/as superior knowledge, such that when my facts are challenged, I am personally invested and I compulsively assert my defensive attack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I 'lose' in a battle of wits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with being right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others so that I can preserve my 'being right' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unfair in conversation by selectively up-playing the facts that support my preexisting knowledge-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm right and not consider that I might be wrong, especially when my perspective is built on a narrow foundation (too few facts).

When and as I see myself resisting to step down and actually consider the other person's perspective, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's not that bad because I am not the knowledge. I commit myself to walking through that discomfort of humility. I commit myself to stopping the ego need to be right.

When and as I see myself feeling a need to be right, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my ego. I realize that I am within my ego. I commit myself to realizing myself as my breath.

When and as I see myself repeating this pattern, I stop I breathe, I realize that I am here again. I commit myself to realizing who I have become in that moment, and taking the steps to return to the breath and support what is best for all.

When and as I see myself mistreating another by not actually listening to them and I'm in my own head trying to figure out how to make them listen to me, I stop I breathe. I realize my responsibility to communicate effectively. I commit myself to becoming the best listener that I can be. I commit myself to stop focusing only on my own perspective when in conversation.

When and as I see myself feeling confident, I stop I breathe. I realize this feeling as a reaction to my knowledge structure. I commit myself to taking a closer look at how I've constructed my perspective and looking for possibilities for how I am wrong. Haha, critical thinking 101

Thanks for reading, reader. I was consciously focusing my writing voice toward myself this time (Day 329 for context). If you notice a difference, or have a suggestion for me, please leave me a comment.