Day 331 - Fighting with Myself

A broad topic, but yes, I am becoming more aware of this internal conflict and struggle between doing what I know needs to be done and doing what I want to do. I've given myself plenty of time to study and look at this internal interaction that is utterly useless, only supporting the master design of procrastination. What I've found is consisting of two key insights: 1) I am reliant on reacting to the external to determine my drive and work ethic, and also imagining how others with judge me based on my efforts and accomplishments; 2) The act of the internal fight directly supports that which I'm resisting, manifesting the delay point.

1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire an external reason to motivate me. I realize that there is inherent separation of myself and that which is obtainable as a reward for my efforts. In this, I become addicted to and dependent upon a reward. Internal self-motivation is so foreign that I have allowed myself to keep taking the easy way, that which is known.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a source of external motivation to be personally better off in some way. I realize that this is not stable or sustainable through my experience. When there is now immediate reward, I postpone my responsibilities until I no longer am able to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to direct myself according to what is best for me and all in a moment of deciding what I will do in the next moment. This is the most pivotal moment, and to underplay the importance here is the beginning of the internal conflict, as back and forth, indecision.

2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this internal conflict and feel that I am in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a mind within a polarity oscillation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by participating within internal conflict as indecision, I am energetically charging this particular mental design of delay, giving it life, justifying its existence. I am enslaved to the systems in my mind and I do not realize it the majority of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too hard to self-realize as the breath, as life, as the physical that is here in equality and oneness.

credit
When and as I see myself waiting for a motive, reward or psychological benefit of some sort to commence working on a given responsibility, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing my decisions out on paper if I am having trouble reaching the common sense action in the context of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself in a critical moment of deciding what to do next, I stop I breathe. I give myself that one breath to bring myself back here, to myself in the physical. I commit myself to not give into the internal fight with myself, realizing that in doing so, I have handed my responsibility to direct myself over to my mind system that will bounce my consciousness back and forth (polarity), generate energy that builds and builds until I feel I have no/less power to will myself one way or the other, and I give in to procrastination.