Day 351 - Attached to the Memories of My Habits

There are so many points to write about and realize, and I'm just delaying the whole process because I'm stuck in an emotional relationship to my past choices and unwittingly perpetuating destructive patterns because I haven't really forgiven myself specifically.

Writing is not a habit that I can afford to stop. I have seen how much I'm progressed through writing, why stop now? I have been writing less consistently for awhile now and in general I see it is because I'm stuck in memories. My past contains memories that are familiar in respect to who I am in relation to my environment. So, my comfort zone is literally composed of memories. In this process of self expansion, I have to let go of my familiar, comfortable relationships to people/places/things to discover who I am in relation to the new and unfamiliar people/environments. And I'm now realizing that it's not just expanding my relationship to various nouns, it's also letting go of and discovering new: verbs!

Changing a habit or two can change your entire life. I am finding myself in a position where I have the tools to change all my habits from self-interest based to best for all based. This will not just change my life, but will also have a significant ripple effect. Leading by example, with the example being a consistent, principled living, with the principle being to act in the best interest of all. But I've gotten ahead of myself before, and I recognize this haste pattern, so I commit myself to slow down, and walk a physical timeline that is in alignment with this principled living. Firstly, I have to change one habit. Funny, you'd think that'd be obvious.

I am now making a decision to change one fundamental habit that will most certainly make my life easier: Giving up.

There are many, many moments for which the decision to uphold a new habit, or shut down a bad habit, must be applied. This is the area where I stumble. I understand what it would take to change myself, but I don't yet have the practice to confidently stick to the commitments I make. This plays out most severely in my relationship with nail biting. Alcohol was the first habit I stopped, but with this point my memories were already mostly seen in a negative light. Stopping consumption of donuts wasn't very difficult because it was so specific...interesting. With donuts, my starting point was to test myself, and although I have been successful, I still occasionally pursue other sweets to satisfy that sugar craving. Stopping porn was a bit more stubborn, but once I was clear in my relationship to it as intentional disillusionment and saw how it was affecting my relationships with real life women, I stopped it permanently. (For more support with stopping porn, check out Porn+Alt+Delete)

What can I learn from here? Where exactly am I stumbling? It appears that the successful implementation of a new habit depends on a few factors, some of which include specificity of the new habit, comprehensively understanding the motivations of the old habits, as well as understanding the basis of the new habits. Through writing, I commit myself to slow down and expose my existing habits and all relevant components thereof, AND I commit myself to write the specifics of the new habits, to be clear within myself of the alignment and choice to follow through with a permanent self change.

I'll expand more on changing habits in the days to come. I am currently walking through nail biting, and procrastination (still)<--note: self-judgement. And I have to walk the physical process of writing, accepting my current state, so that I may choose to stop allowing what I've been accepting. The beginning and the end, together as one, the key to self-change. Remove this self-judgement, for in a stance separation, I am disempowering myself to be able to direct myself as one and equal with all parts of me that I have been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through a perspective of knowing what I should be doing, while my physical participation doesn't cooperate. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself, within myself, into and as an idealized concept/image and a real/physical. Within this, I realize that I am creating a friction and frustration from the mind perspective of the image/ego, looking at myself in the physical, in separation, and seeing inconsistency. I commit myself to take a breath and move within the realization that I am my physical body, instead of just judging myself and creating friction and then getting no where.

I commit myself to take the necessary step and do what it takes to produce real, lasting self change. Step by step, I forgive and release my inconsiderate, self(only) interested personalities and habit sets, to align my living, physical application and habits with what is best for all.

Day 331 - Fighting with Myself

A broad topic, but yes, I am becoming more aware of this internal conflict and struggle between doing what I know needs to be done and doing what I want to do. I've given myself plenty of time to study and look at this internal interaction that is utterly useless, only supporting the master design of procrastination. What I've found is consisting of two key insights: 1) I am reliant on reacting to the external to determine my drive and work ethic, and also imagining how others with judge me based on my efforts and accomplishments; 2) The act of the internal fight directly supports that which I'm resisting, manifesting the delay point.

1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire an external reason to motivate me. I realize that there is inherent separation of myself and that which is obtainable as a reward for my efforts. In this, I become addicted to and dependent upon a reward. Internal self-motivation is so foreign that I have allowed myself to keep taking the easy way, that which is known.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a source of external motivation to be personally better off in some way. I realize that this is not stable or sustainable through my experience. When there is now immediate reward, I postpone my responsibilities until I no longer am able to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to direct myself according to what is best for me and all in a moment of deciding what I will do in the next moment. This is the most pivotal moment, and to underplay the importance here is the beginning of the internal conflict, as back and forth, indecision.

2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this internal conflict and feel that I am in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a mind within a polarity oscillation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by participating within internal conflict as indecision, I am energetically charging this particular mental design of delay, giving it life, justifying its existence. I am enslaved to the systems in my mind and I do not realize it the majority of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too hard to self-realize as the breath, as life, as the physical that is here in equality and oneness.

credit

When and as I see myself waiting for a motive, reward or psychological benefit of some sort to commence working on a given responsibility, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing my decisions out on paper if I am having trouble reaching the common sense action in the context of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself in a critical moment of deciding what to do next, I stop I breathe. I give myself that one breath to bring myself back here, to myself in the physical. I commit myself to not give into the internal fight with myself, realizing that in doing so, I have handed my responsibility to direct myself over to my mind system that will bounce my consciousness back and forth (polarity), generate energy that builds and builds until I feel I have no/less power to will myself one way or the other, and I give in to procrastination.

Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?

Continuing from yesterday: Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

I've been writing a bit about this on the side, and I realize that there is a lot that goes into this force that the wall represents. Even inherently in the example, there is separation between myself and the wall.

Today's post is primarily about where I've found the illusion of separation playing out within my mind, as me in relation to overcoming a challenge, breaking through the wall, the resistance. For the longest time, I've been operating with the thought that I am special..and what are the consequences of that?

• I require to uphold a positive reputation in alignment with that
• I need other's to reflect that I am special
• When that doesn't happen, I am living & breathing my fear of failure/inferiority

Art by Kelly Posey

This thought is a killer. It kills my life, haha. It's not cool, and I commit myself to decomposing this system design. I realize that this will not happen fast. I realize that if this one particular system is allowed to exist within me, I will realize the consequence as a first hand experience of failure, failure to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think so highly of myself that if I were to fail, I would be ashamed and embarrassed, not able to recover, loss of self-definitions as "smart/cool/superior/able."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself within and as my ego, an imagined self that is shiny and perfect. This here is an essentially key. I hold myself as something superior within me. I've created this personality of striving to be that because I FEAR THAT I AM NOT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be great, wonderful, spectacular; not realizing that for this desire to exist, I embody the lack of these qualities. This system feeds into all of my interpersonal relationships where I am attracted to those that poses those qualities, so that I may learn them myself. In this, I now realize that by doing so, I am placing myself as inferior.

This is interesting. So, I could go my whole life climbing this ladder of power/coolness, all with the starting point of fearing what's inside me - this fear that I am less, I am inadequate. And heck, I could probably do a good job, I've been pretty successful with the personalities I've created for myself. It's like a suit for social situations. Only sometimes I hear myself thinking that "I can't do it" that I'm unable or not worthy. I have a little theory that the most successful people in the world are the most dishonest with themselves. That was my destiny. That was my version of success. That is how I learned to play the game of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life into a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to move fast through process because I am special and able and I want to prove that to everyone, not realizing how I am compromising myself by separating myself from physical reality through/within my idealized ego representation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego. And in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my inner self-image through facing the reality of myself which is often in alignment with the contrary. I live in fear. I am motivated by fear to show myself that I am not what I fear.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to live out a scenario that is in opposition to that fear so that I can prove to myself that I am not this fear, I stop...I breathe. I realize that this inner struggle to trump my fear by acting in opposition to it, is the wall living it's purpose. My barriers are born of this internal battle. This friction is the composition of the wall in may cases.

I commit myself to stop making life a game where I require to overcome fear of failure by force and through dependency of my self-definition being my ego - the externalized self, based on how I perceive others to perceive me.

When I stop trying to uphold a tailored self-image of success, I give myself the space to work with the fear, forgive the fear, let it go, and create a self that is a living expression of success within and without, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my inner reality of fear of failure/inadequacy is my reality and thus brought to life. As within - so without.

I commit myself to, at the end of the day, begin a process of taking a look at who I have been within myself during the events of the day. This reflection will serve to bring awareness to where I still allow my personalities to take the wheel because of a fear that I am still attached to.

And I let the writing flow. Self-honesty in every breath, here I come.

Day 251 - Embarrassing to Underperform

Voluntary Embarrassment by Brittanysoup

Today, I had a lot to do, and a lot of time to do it all. It's embarrassing to admit...so I will, for the sake of self-honest investigation! I began the day with a solid work ethic/attitude, and it surprisingly decayed with the opportunity to allow it to.

Why did I allow distraction and mind system take over? Good question. I do not want to see this point. It is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing? In my DIP lesson material this month, I took a closer look at embarrassment. At the base of it, embarrassment is really just a fear of change with fear of loss at the root. To phrase it practically: I have this idealized idea of myself, and when it doesn't align with how others see me, I lose that idealized idea of myself because my externalized self-definition (a.k.a. looking glass self) doesn't mach. I construct who I see myself as through the feedback of who I am according to how others perceive me, and yet I also formulate this internal idealized self image.

Now, taking a step back to look at this design: It appears that I am holding myself back from a stabilized work ethic by living with an internal friction, created by the internal idealized self and the external feedback self. This is a point of polarity, and there are a few dimensions within it. It's starting to get messy, so I'm taking this slow and writing out each detail as it becomes clear to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a strong and hard worker in separation of my actual lived work ethic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this internal self-definition of strength as a positive work ethic when I cross reference with reality and what others would see/think of me if they were to know the truth of how I am actually spending my time. In this, I hadn't realized how others can be a point of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide from others the reality of myself as my lived application of myself to delay the onset of facing the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to maintain an internal, positive self-concept with the impression that by doing so, I can avoid the negative feeling of actual, lived underperformance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear embarrassment and further compromise myself by suppressing the realization of the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define positive thinking as valuable. In the face of reality, a positive, internal self-concept is an illusion and a deliberate denial of the harsh truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been living in denial so that I could simply maintain an internal feel-good happiness that I was able to manifest most of the time, completely suppressing all the bad shit I didn't want to see/acknowledge/announce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others will think of me if I am completely honest with myself.
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When and as I see myself within an internal friction/conflict of trying to maintain an internal, positive self image, I stop I breathe. I realize that by ending this battle, I can see what is really here. What am I trying to hide from others? Why? I commit myself to breathing and asking myself these questions in preparation for writing self-forgiveness to release the pattern of self-compromise of semi-deliberate ignorance.

When and as I see myself embarrassed, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've created an unstable self-definition that I am afraid to lose. I commit myself to digging deeper into all points of instability within myself while breathing. Without the breathing, I am impossibly lost in polarity, reaction and overwhelmingness to be able to clearly see my dynamic participation in the mind.

When and as I see myself in a state of stubbornly fighting for my positive/idealized, internal self image, I stop I breath. I realize this as a subtle, yet deliberate ignorance of reality. I realize this as avoidance. I realize this pattern for what it is. I commit myself to stop accumulating consequence by choosing to be self-dishonest in a moment of necessary humility.

For now, this is all I am comfortable committing to. I have realized a consequence of writing/speaking when it's not for self, with self, of self. Tomorrow I'l get into sounding self-forgiveness, getting to work, and stabilizing as the living word. Thanks for reading me.