Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

This is going to be a free flow writing to bring in more perspective on this wall of resistance. I have begun to solidify my realization that I do not require to let the feeling and emotions control me (Day 253 - Post Breaking Point). Even as I sit and write this entry several hours earlier than usual, the experience of distraction tendency/energy is all over the place.

I sit to write and BAM, I hit the resistance wall. Now, through all of my writing, as I described on Day 253, I am becoming able to direct myself instead of simply reacting. In most, if not all, of my prior experiences of hitting this wall, I would let the wall knock me on my ass.

I would suppress the fact that I need to get through the wall. I would distract myself with an array of alternative activities from media to food, even exercise. I try to ignore the wall, divert my attention, and ideally, still remain productive, taking on other mini-walls or whatever.

The only time I would put in the effort to overcome the wall was if I justified it with a need to do so. Usually this was time. "If I don't do it now, I'm screwed." And this life methodology was way more consequential than I ever realized. I created survival situations to motivate myself. Compounding laziness.

As I wrote about yesterday, all I cared about was moving fast. Instead of realizing who I am in relation to the wall and to breaking through the wall, I suppressed that and started running along the wall, hurdling the easy stuff (secondary tasks) until I was forced to face the wall.
Solution:  Examine my relationship to the wall.
For example:
What do I believe the wall is made of? A powerful energy
Who will I be on the other side? Unburdened 
Who am I by remaining within the current relationship with the wall? Weak
What does that say about me? Submitting to a force
Is the wall really more powerful than I? No, because I am able.
Did I create the wall somewhere along the way? Yes, because it's an internal relationship
What will it take to get through it? Perseverance
What will it take to completely remove the wall? ...

The wall is a residual energy of resistance. When I am forced to overcome the wall via some external force, the wall has won. The purpose of the wall is to delay me. So every subsequent wall of resistance is the same wall, the same internal relationship with procrastination. The only way to permanently remove the wall is by releasing my definition of it, as that which holds it in place and substantiates it.

This is interesting. It's time to get walking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the wall is a greater force, and not realize myself as the creator of the wall, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the wall, not realizing what this suppression means as a completion of the cycle and purpose of the wall (aka. the wall wins)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak/unable in relation to the wall and the resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather suppress who I am in relation to the wall than to stand and disintegrate the wall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can disintegrate the wall by removing the self-defined relationships that substantiate it.

When and as I see myself facing the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize what this wall is. It is a residual energetic programming that I created over time so that I could remain in a positive (easy) experience of myself. I commit myself to exposing the underlying dynamics of my relationship to this wall of resistance.

When and as I see myself within a feeling of "not wanting to do this right now," while scanning for distractions, I stop I breathe. I realize this moment is the breaking point. I commit myself to showing the wall what I'm made of. I am physical substance. The energy cannot and will not direct me without my acceptance and allowance. In this process, I become aware of how energy typically moves me, I forgive myself for allowing it to, and I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality.

When I say I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality, I mean I am not longer going to just allow my wall to stand as a more powerful energy. I am the wall. I am the consequences of the wall. Will I continue to accept myself as this, or will I assert myself as equal and one with the physical reality that is here as me?

When and as I see myself trying to suppress the wall and divert my attention to other 'worthy' tasks/activities, I stop I breathe. I realize that the wall isn't going to go away if I keep feeding into it like this. I commit myself to breathe and move, as I did today when sitting down to write my blog before the time pressure forced me to do so. As I breathe and move, I am realigning myself as the authority of the physical to build an existence that is best for all.

When and as I see myself sitting down next to the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not moving to get through the wall because the wall of energy manifested an excuse or justification within me to not try. I commit myself to patiently removing the wall brick by brick, pattern by pattern, until it is done.

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