Day 277 - Expansion and Growth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear growing and becoming more responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear, not realizing how I'm holding myself back from growing and expanding my self expression through fearing fear and fearing myself as fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I might find by expanding myself through self-honesty.

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I've realized some interestingly resilient resistance when it comes to self-change and ending some of those deeply ingrained habits. In particular, I am thinking about my nail biting habit that I keep turning away from. I have heard that biting fingernails is related to limiting self-growth/expansion. It makes sense from a literal perspective, and also from a psyche consideration. I begin nibbling whenever I am nervous, anxious, and/or fearful of a future oriented event, and through this frightfulness, I limit my range of expression to a mere quandary. It's like I shell up to to protect myself/ego from that which I fear. Finger tip to mouth is a closed posture, related to thumb sucking (which I also did)...and I overcame that through a reward system my parents had placed for me...oh dear.

I wasn't at all planning on this connection.  When I was really young, I stopped sucking my thumb so I could get the Grape Escape board game I saw on the television (commercial). All I had to do was stop the habit for 30 days, which took the visual form of placing gold stars on a calendar. I was excited for my prize, and each day I was motivated to get a gold star. Years later, the 'door opened up' for me to revive my oral fixation when the screen door closed on my brother's hand. His fingernail ripped right off, effectively traumatizing me. This vivid childhood memory has been what I thought was the start of this nail biting habit, but not I see there is more to it than just one incident. I also recall the thought that having long nails was a feminine attribute, deeming ridicule as valid. I also resented each moment when my brother would scratch me.

So, I have a lot more now to work with in relation to the nail biting point. Another point I wanted to make: The 'interestingly resilient resistance' that I've been experiencing in relation to stopping my habit is, in part, due to trying to take on too much at once by looking at the point from a distant perspective. I visualize it as standing up over a 5 foot diameter, 2 inch regression in the dirt, and I need to keep digging this hole until it's at least 4 feet deep. It also feels like I've been using the Self-Forgiveness trowel, and I really need to pick up the SF spade and begin shoveling more effectively. And by that I mean I can be using self-forgiveness more effectively by getting specific and thorough, instead of quick and general. I've been more of a big picture guy, so maybe that's another reason I resist getting into the nitty gritty. 

Back to my original point: (fear of) growth and expansion.  Nail biting is but one physical form of this fear. The internal resistance I feel in relation to putting myself 'out there' falls under this umbrella as well. I realize that the only effective way to deal with all of this is by focusing on one scoop at a time. 

Key points:
  • Nail biting is just the surface conception or physical manifestation of what's going in relation to my fear of expansion and growing into self-responsibility
  • Ending habits within a reward system has consequences:
    • habit is transformed; not actually stopped through understanding and self-will
    • strengthens relationship to being externally motivated, instead of internally self-willed
      • Self-Honesty & Self-Forgiveness are keys to Self-change. Self-Will is using the key.
  • Resistance flag point
    • check if point is too general. "What else is going on within this?"
    • check for fear of self-expansion. "What do I fear here? Why?"
I'll continue with self-forgiveness and corrective application tomorrow.

For now, I'm going to re-read my nail biting support from the Desteni forum here: Establishing Self-Trust to Stop Serious Habits. Thanks for being here to read me.