Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?

Continuing from yesterday: Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

I've been writing a bit about this on the side, and I realize that there is a lot that goes into this force that the wall represents. Even inherently in the example, there is separation between myself and the wall.

Today's post is primarily about where I've found the illusion of separation playing out within my mind, as me in relation to overcoming a challenge, breaking through the wall, the resistance. For the longest time, I've been operating with the thought that I am special..and what are the consequences of that?

  • I require to uphold a positive reputation in alignment with that
    • I need other's to reflect that I am special
      • When that doesn't happen, I am living & breathing my fear of failure/inferiority
Art by Kelly Posey

This thought is a killer. It kills my life, haha. It's not cool, and I commit myself to decomposing this system design. I realize that this will not happen fast. I realize that if this one particular system is allowed to exist within me, I will realize the consequence as a first hand experience of failure, failure to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think so highly of myself that if I were to fail, I would be ashamed and embarrassed, not able to recover, loss of self-definitions as "smart/cool/superior/able."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself within and as my ego, an imagined self that is shiny and perfect. This here is an essentially key. I hold myself as something superior within me. I've created this personality of striving to be that because I FEAR THAT I AM NOT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be great, wonderful, spectacular; not realizing that for this desire to exist, I embody the lack of these qualities. This system feeds into all of my interpersonal relationships where I am attracted to those that poses those qualities, so that I may learn them myself. In this, I now realize that by doing so, I am placing myself as inferior.

This is interesting. So, I could go my whole life climbing this ladder of power/coolness, all with the starting point of fearing what's inside me - this fear that I am less, I am inadequate. And heck, I could probably do a good job, I've been pretty successful with the personalities I've created for myself. It's like a suit for social situations. Only sometimes I hear myself thinking that "I can't do it" that I'm unable or not worthy. I have a little theory that the most successful people in the world are the most dishonest with themselves. That was my destiny. That was my version of success. That is how I learned to play the game of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life into a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to move fast through process because I am special and able and I want to prove that to everyone, not realizing how I am compromising myself by separating myself from physical reality through/within my idealized ego representation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego. And in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my inner self-image through facing the reality of myself which is often in alignment with the contrary. I live in fear. I am motivated by fear to show myself that I am not what I fear.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to live out a scenario that is in opposition to that fear so that I can prove to myself that I am not this fear, I stop...I breathe. I realize that this inner struggle to trump my fear by acting in opposition to it, is the wall living it's purpose. My barriers are born of this internal battle. This friction is the composition of the wall in may cases.

I commit myself to stop making life a game where I require to overcome fear of failure by force and through dependency of my self-definition being my ego - the externalized self, based on how I perceive others to perceive me.

When I stop trying to uphold a tailored self-image of success, I give myself the space to work with the fear, forgive the fear, let it go, and create a self that is a living expression of success within and without, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my inner reality of fear of failure/inadequacy is my reality and thus brought to life. As within - so without.

I commit myself to, at the end of the day, begin a process of taking a look at who I have been within myself during the events of the day. This reflection will serve to bring awareness to where I still allow my personalities to take the wheel because of a fear that I am still attached to.

And I let the writing flow. Self-honesty in every breath, here I come.