Day 332 - Getting To the REAL Point

My process so far has felt a bit "at a distance" from myself. Why? I've been protecting myself from my internal thoughts. The notion of exposing my inner thoughts, letting go of the charge of secrecy, sharing my true inner movements with the world = some scary shit to do. Why? Responsibility.

Skipping around on the surface with general points is a pattern I recognized earlier on. I only opened that point up Day 248, but I realize now how much more attention this needs. To be specific within myself takes a lot of guts. More than I had initially realized. When I started this process, I was kind of in the frame of mind of "yeah, 'best for all', I get it. I agree" with an attitude of just sign me up for the ride. As if I could just buy a ticket to the entrance of a theme park and throw myself into a pre-designed experience.

Now, I've made it to the farm. I'm actually here with the original Destonians, and when I ask for some support, it is no new-age fluff. That's for damn sure. For instance, when chatting with Bernard, he asserts his communication in a way that doesn't allow you to formulate some "nicer" interpretation of what's really going on in the head. In retrospect to our chat, I see how apparent it really is to see myself stray from my original mental movement. There is a delay between what comes up first in the mind when asked a question, and the process of selecting an interpretation to hide one's original reaction.

What I've learned, from this is that I'm reluctant to be self-honest about my internal reality because I am embarrassed. I don't want to even admit to myself what's going on in my head. Even now, I am so wrapped up in wanting to dance around the real points going on in me. To push through this resistance is going to be a challenge worth while. Why?

If I continue to resist myself as a mess of internal reaction, these reactions will persist. I will remain as the unchanged, victim of my mind. To actually take responsibility for what is going on in me is the name of the game. With an understanding that 'this' is me, my thoughts are me, I am able to make a decision with clarity. It's not an instantaneous thing. It is a process of looking at myself without interpreting my thought/feelings/reactions in a way to benefit my ego, which I apparently like to do very much, but to write it out, really see where I am coming from, forgive myself for the SPECIFIC points that I've been holding onto.

What's interesting is that I don't want to face these points. I would prefer my secret mind to stay secret, as I'm sure you could imagine. But frankly, even though I'm Dan ;) I must direct me, to be free. I'm really not enjoying all the repetitive mental push-pull bull. I can temporarily deny myself the truth of myself, but for what purpose? The point is just going to return. Until I have understood myself in relation to that point and actually live the self-corrected application, the point will not be transcended.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that the process of self is just another automatic system that only requires a 'yes' as my total responsibility herein.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by who I've become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that taking responsibility for the points that exist within me would make me less. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I do not give attention to or suppress the nasty thoughts inside me, that I am better off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself in separation of my thoughts, that I am safe from them if I can hide them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect myself from shame and embarrassment by temporarily hiding the truth of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bail out and return to the surface when the rush of embarrassment energy floods my experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to run from myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can effectively cover up my inner thoughts and live a life of managing and fighting the specific backchat and inner personality dynamics.

I commit myself to stand up and push myself through the necessary writing, to realize myself, and to ultimately change myself through living as the directive principle of my life, of life.

In posts to come I'll be working more closely with myself. I do not allow myself to go on wasting time, walking around the forest. I move me, or I react. When and as I see myself reacting to my reaction, I stop I breathe. I realize the correction is not some distant, "Harry Potter" type of solution. I commit myself to discovering and understanding what it means to take responsibility and really live the correction.