Day 433 - Communication: Opening up

I'm finding it difficult to open up and share myself more deeply, and I think that's because I've got a lot of nasty thoughts moving around in the deeper dimensions of my mind. "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all," I hear my mother demanding. To purify this: If I don't have something nice to say, go write it out and take the points back to myself within the process of initiating self-correction, so that I may embody the solution and live as the example of how I'd like to see everyone else living, regardless of if anyone else does or not!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up and sharing myself because I want to hide the nasty thoughts I have about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up and sharing myself because this makes me vulnerable and weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT open up because I fear being attacked, and not recognize the opportunity to embrace potential attack, as this could help me shed more layers of ego and specify my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ridiculed, rejected, disparaged because I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore vulnerability within communication, while actively realizing my ego's propensity to take the reactions of others personally, and expressing myself anyway.

I commit myself to push myself further exploring these two dimensions of communication withholding patterns that opened up here: hiding my secret mind nastiness & vulnerability/ego issues.

When and as I see that I am withholding my communication because what I have to say is not nice to say, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I do need this practical "guard" over my mouth so as not to offend others and make matters worse. I commit myself to investigate myself, in writing on my own time, regarding the specific point of nastiness that I wanted to speak, so that I may purify myself within the point and clarify my expression to support what is best for all...instead of just spewing my mind.

When and as I see myself stopping from speaking because I fear others with react with mild to severe disagreement, I stop, I breathe. I realize that fearing the responses from others because of my inclination to take it personally is drastically limiting myself and my potential contribution in expressing myself with others. So, I commit myself to push through these moments, and embrace the reactions of others, learn from them, embrace myself, and know that I will live to see another day and continue to specify my expression to be more agreeable.

I commit myself to releasing this layer of ego protection (from ridicule, rejection, disagreement) in part by embracing this journey to life, sourcing my strength from life and clarity rather than from relative ego standing; and in part by ending my participation in dishing out ridicule, rejection, and hasty, ill-considered disagreement.

I commit myself to opening myself up within communication by practicing with my partner, and by releasing my secret mind backchat in private writing, to purify the point I want to communicate about before vocally expressing it.

Opening up is cool. Let's all shed our layers and get real here!

Day 367 - Participating in the Creation of a Shared Reality

As the only person at the new years party that doesn't drink alcohol, I found myself awkwardly putting my fist up into the mix of plastic red cups as one of the random party goers announces a toast. Just before I did so, I was standing back and observing the situation as an outsider. The spirit of togetherness was embedded in that 'cheers' speech, and the guy said to no one in particular, "come on! I know we can all get in on this." That's when I realized he was, in part, talking to me. Getting everyone involved was more important than the fact that I didn't have a drink in my hand.

It was at this moment that I could see the dynamic of a shared reality in contrast to just observing the scene without even a real awareness that you're even in the room yourself! I reflected on it a bit, and the implications of this realization are expansive, and I will do my best to articulate them here to solidify my understanding and embodiment of them, and to share them with you. I will expand on each with context in posts to come as I commence the process of integrating this concept into actions.

The first and coolest aspect of this realization is that regardless of whether or not you choose to participate in the group dynamic or not, one is still creating reality. In the context of the all-inclusive cheers example, my lack of participating would have had a particular effect on the rest of the group. The main point being that we each have a presence when in a room with other people, and when we're here with people in our immediate environment, we're either within a shared reality, or we're in our minds within a temporary alternate reality.

I don't know about you, but throughout my life, I've spent a lot of time in my own little personal reality, observing and judging those around me. This is where it gets extra interesting: In relation to those around me, I formed opinions and judgments about who I am. This 'who I am' is a mental projection reality version of myself that is idealized and likeable and successful in every area of life. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, my physical participation with others hardly ever matched my internal self-concept formed through judgment. In truth, I actually held myself back from shared reality creation because I have long held a dynamic judgment toward myself, a fear that I would be seen in the same negative light that I see in others.

Moral of the story: judgments are really self-limiting judgments projected onto others, AND this design of judgment is one of those individual alternate mind realities that take us away from the shared group reality. So, just one example of how the mind screws us out of having a good time. But see, the mind is not to blame so much as it is self's choice to go with the mind, into a reality that is not here, is not shared with those in our company. With that:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from others, and within that, suppress myself from fully participating with the shared here-moment, let alone initiate a shared reality. I see, realize and understand this critical moment of being swayed from physical reality up into a mind created reality that primarily includes just myself. I see, realize, and understand how the mind utilizes my identification with the ego-self as a way to justify a prolonged departure into a reality that looks at various dynamics in relation to self as ego only; general examples being fear of judgment, and desire for praise/recognition.

I commit myself to slowly working through each point of self-judgment that the mind uses to keep me invested in alternate realities instead of just walking with common sense from moment to moment. Illustrative personal example from last night: During a drinking game, I observed the only girl left standing in an utter state of inebriation as she continued to attempt getting the ping pong ball in the cup. She was ready to stop and no one would disagree, but the rules of the game and the unspoken need/desire to make it to the end prevented anyone from standing up and saying "enough!" I debated it in my alternate reality creation, playing out the consequences of what would happen if I did assert myself into the situation. The result of this internal debate tends to always favor the mind in terms of protecting the ego, and that's exactly what happened. I eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't my place to interfere with her choice to play the game. I then projected this conclusion onto the other players of the game, and it seemed to fit their behavior, so I let it go...but did I really let it go? The length of this paragraph shows me that I'm still attached to this moment. There was a lot of mind participation in just this one moment, and I will need to break it down even further.

Side note: This is one reason I resist blogging. A story can open up into another point, and then that point opens up to reveal an interesting dynamic that runs even deeper. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist blogging because I fear that I might write too much on a point that's not directly related to the title of the post, and within this also fearing that if I don't continue to write on the tangent point, that I might miss a critically supportive insight. The solution: Breathe.Take your time. Moving fast is how the mind likes to move (feels good, ego). Moving slow is not, but allows for articulating complexity and bringing a concept into a structured understanding that can be integrated into living application.

More on all this to come. Thanks for reading.

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Day 332 - Getting To the REAL Point

My process so far has felt a bit "at a distance" from myself. Why? I've been protecting myself from my internal thoughts. The notion of exposing my inner thoughts, letting go of the charge of secrecy, sharing my true inner movements with the world = some scary shit to do. Why? Responsibility.

Skipping around on the surface with general points is a pattern I recognized earlier on. I only opened that point up Day 248, but I realize now how much more attention this needs. To be specific within myself takes a lot of guts. More than I had initially realized. When I started this process, I was kind of in the frame of mind of "yeah, 'best for all', I get it. I agree" with an attitude of just sign me up for the ride. As if I could just buy a ticket to the entrance of a theme park and throw myself into a pre-designed experience.

Now, I've made it to the farm. I'm actually here with the original Destonians, and when I ask for some support, it is no new-age fluff. That's for damn sure. For instance, when chatting with Bernard, he asserts his communication in a way that doesn't allow you to formulate some "nicer" interpretation of what's really going on in the head. In retrospect to our chat, I see how apparent it really is to see myself stray from my original mental movement. There is a delay between what comes up first in the mind when asked a question, and the process of selecting an interpretation to hide one's original reaction.

What I've learned, from this is that I'm reluctant to be self-honest about my internal reality because I am embarrassed. I don't want to even admit to myself what's going on in my head. Even now, I am so wrapped up in wanting to dance around the real points going on in me. To push through this resistance is going to be a challenge worth while. Why?

If I continue to resist myself as a mess of internal reaction, these reactions will persist. I will remain as the unchanged, victim of my mind. To actually take responsibility for what is going on in me is the name of the game. With an understanding that 'this' is me, my thoughts are me, I am able to make a decision with clarity. It's not an instantaneous thing. It is a process of looking at myself without interpreting my thought/feelings/reactions in a way to benefit my ego, which I apparently like to do very much, but to write it out, really see where I am coming from, forgive myself for the SPECIFIC points that I've been holding onto.

What's interesting is that I don't want to face these points. I would prefer my secret mind to stay secret, as I'm sure you could imagine. But frankly, even though I'm Dan ;) I must direct me, to be free. I'm really not enjoying all the repetitive mental push-pull bull. I can temporarily deny myself the truth of myself, but for what purpose? The point is just going to return. Until I have understood myself in relation to that point and actually live the self-corrected application, the point will not be transcended.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that the process of self is just another automatic system that only requires a 'yes' as my total responsibility herein.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by who I've become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that taking responsibility for the points that exist within me would make me less. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I do not give attention to or suppress the nasty thoughts inside me, that I am better off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself in separation of my thoughts, that I am safe from them if I can hide them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect myself from shame and embarrassment by temporarily hiding the truth of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bail out and return to the surface when the rush of embarrassment energy floods my experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to run from myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can effectively cover up my inner thoughts and live a life of managing and fighting the specific backchat and inner personality dynamics.

I commit myself to stand up and push myself through the necessary writing, to realize myself, and to ultimately change myself through living as the directive principle of my life, of life.

In posts to come I'll be working more closely with myself. I do not allow myself to go on wasting time, walking around the forest. I move me, or I react. When and as I see myself reacting to my reaction, I stop I breathe. I realize the correction is not some distant, "Harry Potter" type of solution. I commit myself to discovering and understanding what it means to take responsibility and really live the correction.

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Day 318 - Am I Serious?

I just discovered an interesting design in myself that I had not really considered before. I was reading this post from A Skeptic's Journey to Life called The paranoia of "not being taken seriously", and when I started to relate to it, memories popped up of me deliberately going into an non-seriousness to avoid conflict and/or judgment.

What is it that's going on here when I feel I need to act less than seriously? There are a few things coming up, and I hesitate to slap a quick answer on this question. I will need to spend some serious time with point :)

First thing that comes up is not wanting to take responsibility for / own up to a particular perception that I have made. As if I'm trying to escape a potential embarrassing situation that I have created through thoughts in my secret mind (the stuff I don't want to share). Like for instance if I have made a negative judgement of someone, I would have departed from physical hereness to create this thought, and when I return there is a sense of needing to explain myself. Or maybe it's a shame for even having gone there. Perhaps this moment of internal discomfort is a reaction to not being able to be completely open and honest with my company. It appears there is compounding consequence for participating in the secret mind.

There is also this idea that I hold that being less serious is attractive. I am able to get more positive social reactions with a lighthearted and positive demeanor. I've always liked when people like me, so to be funny has held a value that outweighed being serious and honest with myself and others.

To be serious with myself...why does this point stand out to me? There must be a bit of sorting myself out to do before I understand what's going on here...Why am I not serious with myself? What am I afraid of? How has this relationship of seriousness with self affected how I've been living my life? interacting with others?

I stop, I breathe.

Reckless ego. Caring only about what appeals to me, not considering the totality of consequence and personal responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.

Without self-honesty, I'd still be lost in my mind creating consequence that I wouldn't even take responsibility for. I see now how I've hurt others and myself by not being serious, and just allowing my mind to keep selective focus and keep moving forward with little regard for anything outside of my narrow focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the total effect of my choices through and as not taking responsibility for my thoughts, words, and actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what I do not like about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to hiding the personal responsibility of consequences that are not pleasant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selective with my perception and value placement. While I may have been aware of the consequences that I am responsible for, it is no longer acceptable to let particular incidents slide by because it is uncomfortable to recognize consciously.

Going deep. Stay tuned.

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