Day 367 - Participating in the Creation of a Shared Reality

As the only person at the new years party that doesn't drink alcohol, I found myself awkwardly putting my fist up into the mix of plastic red cups as one of the random party goers announces a toast. Just before I did so, I was standing back and observing the situation as an outsider. The spirit of togetherness was embedded in that 'cheers' speech, and the guy said to no one in particular, "come on! I know we can all get in on this." That's when I realized he was, in part, talking to me. Getting everyone involved was more important than the fact that I didn't have a drink in my hand.

It was at this moment that I could see the dynamic of a shared reality in contrast to just observing the scene without even a real awareness that you're even in the room yourself! I reflected on it a bit, and the implications of this realization are expansive, and I will do my best to articulate them here to solidify my understanding and embodiment of them, and to share them with you. I will expand on each with context in posts to come as I commence the process of integrating this concept into actions.

The first and coolest aspect of this realization is that regardless of whether or not you choose to participate in the group dynamic or not, one is still creating reality. In the context of the all-inclusive cheers example, my lack of participating would have had a particular effect on the rest of the group. The main point being that we each have a presence when in a room with other people, and when we're here with people in our immediate environment, we're either within a shared reality, or we're in our minds within a temporary alternate reality.

I don't know about you, but throughout my life, I've spent a lot of time in my own little personal reality, observing and judging those around me. This is where it gets extra interesting: In relation to those around me, I formed opinions and judgments about who I am. This 'who I am' is a mental projection reality version of myself that is idealized and likeable and successful in every area of life. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, my physical participation with others hardly ever matched my internal self-concept formed through judgment. In truth, I actually held myself back from shared reality creation because I have long held a dynamic judgment toward myself, a fear that I would be seen in the same negative light that I see in others.

Moral of the story: judgments are really self-limiting judgments projected onto others, AND this design of judgment is one of those individual alternate mind realities that take us away from the shared group reality. So, just one example of how the mind screws us out of having a good time. But see, the mind is not to blame so much as it is self's choice to go with the mind, into a reality that is not here, is not shared with those in our company. With that:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from others, and within that, suppress myself from fully participating with the shared here-moment, let alone initiate a shared reality. I see, realize and understand this critical moment of being swayed from physical reality up into a mind created reality that primarily includes just myself. I see, realize, and understand how the mind utilizes my identification with the ego-self as a way to justify a prolonged departure into a reality that looks at various dynamics in relation to self as ego only; general examples being fear of judgment, and desire for praise/recognition.

I commit myself to slowly working through each point of self-judgment that the mind uses to keep me invested in alternate realities instead of just walking with common sense from moment to moment. Illustrative personal example from last night: During a drinking game, I observed the only girl left standing in an utter state of inebriation as she continued to attempt getting the ping pong ball in the cup. She was ready to stop and no one would disagree, but the rules of the game and the unspoken need/desire to make it to the end prevented anyone from standing up and saying "enough!" I debated it in my alternate reality creation, playing out the consequences of what would happen if I did assert myself into the situation. The result of this internal debate tends to always favor the mind in terms of protecting the ego, and that's exactly what happened. I eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't my place to interfere with her choice to play the game. I then projected this conclusion onto the other players of the game, and it seemed to fit their behavior, so I let it go...but did I really let it go? The length of this paragraph shows me that I'm still attached to this moment. There was a lot of mind participation in just this one moment, and I will need to break it down even further.

Side note: This is one reason I resist blogging. A story can open up into another point, and then that point opens up to reveal an interesting dynamic that runs even deeper. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist blogging because I fear that I might write too much on a point that's not directly related to the title of the post, and within this also fearing that if I don't continue to write on the tangent point, that I might miss a critically supportive insight. The solution: Breathe.Take your time. Moving fast is how the mind likes to move (feels good, ego). Moving slow is not, but allows for articulating complexity and bringing a concept into a structured understanding that can be integrated into living application.

More on all this to come. Thanks for reading.

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Day 335 - I'm so dumb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot do something because I have never done it before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can do anything without having walked a process of practical application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back from exploring my potential because I am afraid to find out the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality of myself and thus a loss of the projected ideal self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not able to manifest the ideal self as a leader AND through trying I risk the realizing this fear through seeing my inability to lead myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the space and time to develop my potential.

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When and as I see that I have become defeated by failure to act, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible to push through this fear and act, understanding that I will not be perfect, that there is a process of actual living application one must walk before such a level of self-trust / confidence is real. I commit myself to stepping up to the plate and taking the risk of non-perfection or failure to assert myself within the process of self-perfection. To take the first step is crucial. This reality is a lived reality or else it's not, meaning to live in the mind dimension in separation of reality. This is not where I want to be living. I want to be here, moment to moment participation: Living.

When and as I see myself standing by to assess and observe a situation of which I can participate in but have suppressed my expression and gone into backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am capable of more than I realize, and the only way to find out is through pushing through this resistance, mess up and fail a few times, adjust and adapt, and continue walking the next point until I stand clear. I commit myself to pushing the practice of flawed application. This is process. This is this blog. To begin living this point in real time communication will be uncomfortable at first. Push. Mess up. Do not take this personally. Self is not who self thinks self to be. Don't fall into this trap over and over and over again. Learn. Humble. Move. Practical.

Day 249 - Getting Grounded in the Physical

It just occurred to me that I haven't been as physically grounded as I could be. It's a concept that I'm familiar with, but I have not really been applying it. The concept of 'being grounded,' is not grounded. My perceptions are often not lived. My knowledge acquisition is bearing minimal fruit.

This is a very general point, but it's chill because I don't judge myself for writing to generally as I had prior to yesterday. Now, I see that this is foundational work that is completely worth my time until I am abusing the generalized topic platform to avoid going into depth. I'll see this when I am writing the same stuff for the same points (time to go deeper). The main idea: I can walk a general point specifically :)

The goal here is...to basically just get started:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work within my head space, utilizing my mind to observe and bring perspective for the sake of knowing, not realizing that I'm blocking my physical participation while participating in my own mental world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the significance of physical participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place extensive trust into my mind processing to the point that I felt that my ability to comprehend was really what needed attention. I have always sought understanding for the moments when I might need to apply it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination for the sake of setting up social situations where I could use knowledge and information to 'win' a conversation. In this I have defined a central driving point to be better than others through knowledge and information that only practically served me to be superior in an imagined, possible situation/conversation/argument.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated to walk with Desteni so that I could realize my ego fulfillment of being 'right.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue the physical world because I do not like what I see, and instead retreat to the confines of my mind where I was "all knowing" and protected from the things I didn't want to see in the external and internal. My knowledge and information platform has never been complete, yet I would act as if it was. For that, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be present with the external world, finding my internal world to be more comfortable. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a participant in the external. I had always referenced my internal first, and when I had to exert myself in the world, I was always less comfortable and full of doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I feared living in the physical world by creating multiple imagined scenarios where I was confident and strong in my self presentation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my internal world is not reality despite all the evidence that the external provided all these years. I would only ever pay attention to the confirmation of my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to orient my receptiveness and observations about my outer world participation when it suited my internal worldview..allowing any conflicting information produce a fleeting emotion of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress each moment of 'failure' in the context of the external world not being in alignment with my internal, imagined self-definition that I created in separation of real world context.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my insecurity comes from this point of not participating in the real world, at least in part. I am simply under practiced within and as real world participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be timid or lazy about speaking my self-forgiveness aloud, not realizing the power of the spoken word that is ground, here, into the physical.
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When and as I see myself spending an extended period of time in my head contemplating social scenarios that are my imagined potentials of what reality could be or could have been, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here in this moment and responsible to direct myself according to what needs my attention in that moment. I commit myself to stop recklessly day dreaming about how things could be, and start using my mind beneficially to place myself in a situation and observe what comes up within me, note the reactions and attachments, speak the self-forgiveness and place myself back into that scenarios and see how I have changed and what still needs to be looked at.

When and as I see myself zoned out while in the company of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am a current participant in this shared moment. I commit myself to stop fearing that I am less than others and within that fear go into an internal contemplative reaction instead of participating in ever physical, here moment.

When and as I see myself imagining how I am or will be superior in a social scenario, I stop I breathe. I realize my responsibility to myself to expose who I am and why I am participating in this fictitious mental play out. I commit myself to continue investigating, in depth, my attachment/desire to be better/superior.

When and as I see myself "knowing it all," I stop I breathe. I realize this design as a positive feeling, and commit myself to flag point it. When the feeling arises, I commit myself to stop, breathe and direct the situation from an encompassing perspective, where I am not tailoring my speech in reaction to pride in such a way that I only confirm what I know. Blah. Not chill.

When and as I see myself physically frozen, contemplating my self-doubt/fear/inferiority, I stop I breathe. I realize myself here. I commit myself to supporting myself with my breath to be present with every word that is in my immediate environment (this will require practice, don't get discouraged. Rather immediately return to the present, and make a mental note to replay the scenario later in the day, and see how I could have acted differently according to the point that charges me).

When and as I see myself reluctant to put in the offer to speak my self forgiveness, I stop I breathe. I realize that not every situation will work for me to speak self-forgiveness, and I also realize this can easily be an excuse. I commit myself to giving myself more time to sound self-forgiveness aloud.

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Day 215 - Where am I in Self-Movement?

As a continuation of the past two days:
Day 214 - Self-movement: Continued Expansion
Day 213 - Self-movement: Perspective

To sum up these days: I had begun to conceptualize being with the physical movements vs being involved in the mind while moving. Being in the physical, with the physical, and aware of the physical is the goal. Being in my mind while physically moving is how we get hurt and/or create unintended consequences. One of these mental layers is an effort overlay on physical tasks, where the delay/resistance steps in and makes things more difficult than they really are. It's these kind of energetic relationships that unintentionally sabotage our lives with. To get back to living, to walk the journey to life, we have to dispel these energetic, physical assumptions that are killing us. Here, I'm going to forgive the initial layer(s) of movement. From conscious distraction into physical awareness. This point will continue to unfold as time goes on.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more efficient if I can think independently of space-time, where I allow my thoughts to wander unrelated and without regard for the present moment. Note: Big one; key attachment point to thought; multitasking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move my body in separation of my thought. Example: thought goes into an alternate reality while my finger nail starts finds its way to my mouth. Scary to think of how often this happens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is too hard to stop this abusive pattern of nail biting, and I commit myself to reconsider this point with the knowledge that nail biting in itself isn't the problem, it's who I am behind the act that needs correction (i.e. the many dimensions of anxiety).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automate my physical behaviors without considering the starting point of the automation as what is behind the encapsulated energy relationship toward the physical movement(s).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships toward my physical movements. This opens up an overwhelming number of thought-trains. So much of me has been automated. Scary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of the extent of which my life is augmented by energetic relationships toward the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care that I have augmented reality and have chosen to live through this mental copy of reality, not realizing how/why I chose to live this way in the first place. There are many moments of which I encapsulated a physical experience into an augmented, energetic relationship. For examples: sex, money, truth, soccer, writing, work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by my existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation of my physical body through my mind. The mind is so quick and entertaining.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mind is me and superior to the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move my body without considering my environment in detail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know where my body is in space-time, as opposed to a constant, experiential awareness of my physical body and environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from awareness of breath into consciousness awareness on a regular basis. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the physical breath and energetically relate to it as 'less important than thought/energy.'

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When and as I see myself in separation from my breath while exercising or doing any physical movement, activity or task, I stop I breathe. I realize that from a breath starting point, I am better able to consider reality and what is best for all. I commit myself to recognizing where difficulty arises as stubbornness of mind when attempting to regain breath awareness.

When and as I see myself moved by fear or anxiety, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's just a programmed, energetic relationship play-out and only I am too blame for for what I allow myself to exist as/through. I commit myself to taming the energetic relationships that have been automating my life through self-investigation, forgiveness, and these commitment statements. This process is me directing me in the physical, to move from energy into life awareness. Who I am in self-movement has everything to do with this entire 7 year journey to life. Please bear with me. And Dan, remember to bear with yourself.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed with my current self-existence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only work with myself one breath at a time. I commit myself to being patient with myself in this process of releasing energetic relationships that narrow my perceptual awareness of reality.

When and as I see myself existing in a dragged out head space, I stop I breathe. I remember that I am here within my physical body, one and equal with the physical. I commit myself to investigating the more apparent, repetitive thought patterns that I find myself participating in. For example, when I keep worrying about what others are thinking about me instead of remaining stable in reality, connected to my breath, I will examine the nature of my worry, the starting point, and related components.

When and as I see myself trying to take on multiple points, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can't walk all the points at once, and I also realize that it is more effective to laser focus in on one point. I commit myself to walking whatever comes up that is related to my top priority point that I'm currently walking. For instance, delay has been a predominate theme by choice so that I may more effectively walk process. And I'm glad to say I have seen a rise in my productivity levels.

When and as I see myself giving my directive power over to the mind, I stop I breathe. I realize that mentally induced experience is not really real, and that only through my acceptance and allowance of that experiential outflow, does it seem real. I commit myself to increase my comfortability with breathing through my energetic reactions so that I may calm down and find the source origin of the relationship.

This is a work in progress, and until my breathing application is consistent and my mind no longer dominates my awareness, I walk it out. My overall reflection of this post, I am been walking a large, broad point the past three days, and I intend to utilize this perspective (which is now more grounded) to reach for more depth and specificity of my favorite mental programs. Thank you(rself) for reading.