Day 368 - Releasing Body Image Attachment

Wikipedia: Masculinity

This is one of those posts that I resist writing because I have an idea about how it won't get finished, it won't be effective, or it's too soon to make this process point public. I'm not standing for my mind to tell me how to behave anymore. If I see a point that I need to address, do I really want a fear of incapability to direct me away from the process of true self-change. Any significant and real change is a process. Which leads me to ask myself: Am I going to continue to allowing my immediate self-judgment mechanism sabotage the process of self-change before I even start?! Trust me it gets old. Save yourself the time and just push yourself to focus on physically verifiable moment-to-moment progress. Today I start with just a small chunk of this personality system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how others make judgments of my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a perfect body image so that I will have an easier time being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked without making an earnest effort or investment in my personal relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be desired, and within this be able to get closer to beautiful girls without having to initiate a conversation and risk being rejected.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work out within the starting point of wanting to look more fit and have a 6-pack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place personal value in how I look, where through doing so, I define myself by my appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach value to a mental construction of beauty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a socially constructed concept of what is beautiful or ugly, not realizing that I'm reducing my perception of others to an extremely superficial relationship. This is not how I want to be treated, thus I must stop treating others this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my appearance to the value of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that who I am as one and equal with this physical reality has nothing to do with my appearance as rated by a societal standard.

*I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider the dynamic of fear of rejection within my motivation to become better looking, that I have hidden my fear of rejection behind a wall of positive feedback about how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through others' compliments, where in I become more confident when someone would say I am handsome.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to look more closely at this dynamic of processing compliments on my physical appearance. I know that I have always felt a little awkward when I get a compliment, and it looks like I have been trying to conceal how this affected my self-concept because I didn't want to admit that I do define myself by and through my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant about my participation in the beauty/ugly polarity mind construct, and so have feared/desired looking a certain way and have judged others for how they look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce my perception and reality of other people down to a snap judgment of sex appeal, completely missing the opportunity to form an authentic connection with another (piece of myself).


When and as I see myself judging another based on their appearance, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are many physical indicators that inform me about another, but limiting my interaction with others because of imperfect physical symmetry is unacceptable. I commit myself to unconditionally open myself up to others, and investigate when a reactive judgment takes place within me. When this happens, I commit myself to write self-forgiveness and release any attachments to the pre-judgment construct in my mind. Ex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my pre-judgments are valid and correct without being 100% sure, and I commit myself to make a physical effort of communication to assess an individual.

When and as I see myself sizing up myself or another on the scale of beauty/ugly, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a mind game, and it's a severe limitation on reality through a narrow perception. I commit myself to align my starting point in social interaction within a stabilizing breath, and to no longer allow my judgment of physical appearance affect who I am while interacting with anyone.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed withing this mind construct of beauty/ugly judgment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is just a mental usurpation of my awareness based on past perspectives, desires, fears, etc. I commit myself to stabilizing myself when and as I see that I am affected by my secret mind's judgment about another's appearance.

As more comes up in relation to this mental phenomena, I commit myself to write and walk the process of understanding myself as this mental phenomena first, so that I can take responsibility for creating with and through it, then forgive it and let it go. Who I am is not a mental judgment. I no longer support this system within consciousness. I will support myself in stopping my participation within it first, and then when I am stable within this one point, I commit myself to support others to see this point for themselves when the opportunity arises.

Thank you.

Day 336 - Sleeping Awake

When I'm resisting a particular task or set of tasks, and I do not direct myself to work effectively, one of my mind's favorite ways to deal with this situation is to send a signal of tiredness. If I follow this pull to the bed, then I end up losing a lot of time. I certainly could have pulled myself together and finished at least one of the responsibilities, but I went for the feel good instead.

Lots to open up here. I can look at the relationships toward specific tasks / responsibilities. I can look at past moments where I've initiated tiredness. I can look at the practical process of 'pulling myself together'. With understanding there is a temporal process required to physically change the patterns that constitute oneself, I commit myself to finding any way I can make a small change in alignment with the goal of becoming the directive principle of my resting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "oh, let me just rest my eyes for a moment."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and hide the risk of falling asleep when I given into a tiredness moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am able to remain in control of my mind when I give in to tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are practical physical support steps I can take to snap out of a tired state of mind, such as a cold face wash or a bit of water in the eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to direct myself out of the tiredness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this tiredness emotion that washes over me is a product of the mind and only as powerful as I allow it to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a victim relationship to the tiredness energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the tiredness energy, stand one and equal with it, and direct myself within a breath stability.

When and as I see myself nodding off while facing a set of tasks, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am going into a familiar reaction of avoidance through tiredness. I commit myself to flag this point, to take a breath, and really consider all of what is going on in this moment. Where am I going? How can I move myself into a directive awareness to stop this energy possession?

When and as I see myself "resting my eyes," I breathe and commit myself to an actual agreement of how much longer I will rest my eyes. I realize that there alternative solutions to warding off tiredness besides just sleeping it off. I commit myself to discovering these methods and baby steps toward stabilizing myself as a directive force.

When and as I see myself as inferior to my tiredness, I stop I breathe. I realize that I created this feeling. I commit myself to standing one and equal with my feeling tired, and directing it/me as the totality of myself in alignment with what is best for all. Get it done!

A key point within post is "taking baby steps." I'm now becoming increasingly aware of how I will not change if I do not change, but to Change can very easily seem like "too much." Then I get overwhelmed and resort to something like avoidance through tiredness. I am not finished with my relationship to sleep, but today was a step. Process happens one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Change through tiny steps if necessary. To look back on my life and realize all the moments I could have changed but didn't, it's going to be displeasing. Solution = figure out how to take one step at a time.

Thank you.

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Day 332 - Getting To the REAL Point

My process so far has felt a bit "at a distance" from myself. Why? I've been protecting myself from my internal thoughts. The notion of exposing my inner thoughts, letting go of the charge of secrecy, sharing my true inner movements with the world = some scary shit to do. Why? Responsibility.

Skipping around on the surface with general points is a pattern I recognized earlier on. I only opened that point up Day 248, but I realize now how much more attention this needs. To be specific within myself takes a lot of guts. More than I had initially realized. When I started this process, I was kind of in the frame of mind of "yeah, 'best for all', I get it. I agree" with an attitude of just sign me up for the ride. As if I could just buy a ticket to the entrance of a theme park and throw myself into a pre-designed experience.

Now, I've made it to the farm. I'm actually here with the original Destonians, and when I ask for some support, it is no new-age fluff. That's for damn sure. For instance, when chatting with Bernard, he asserts his communication in a way that doesn't allow you to formulate some "nicer" interpretation of what's really going on in the head. In retrospect to our chat, I see how apparent it really is to see myself stray from my original mental movement. There is a delay between what comes up first in the mind when asked a question, and the process of selecting an interpretation to hide one's original reaction.

What I've learned, from this is that I'm reluctant to be self-honest about my internal reality because I am embarrassed. I don't want to even admit to myself what's going on in my head. Even now, I am so wrapped up in wanting to dance around the real points going on in me. To push through this resistance is going to be a challenge worth while. Why?

If I continue to resist myself as a mess of internal reaction, these reactions will persist. I will remain as the unchanged, victim of my mind. To actually take responsibility for what is going on in me is the name of the game. With an understanding that 'this' is me, my thoughts are me, I am able to make a decision with clarity. It's not an instantaneous thing. It is a process of looking at myself without interpreting my thought/feelings/reactions in a way to benefit my ego, which I apparently like to do very much, but to write it out, really see where I am coming from, forgive myself for the SPECIFIC points that I've been holding onto.

What's interesting is that I don't want to face these points. I would prefer my secret mind to stay secret, as I'm sure you could imagine. But frankly, even though I'm Dan ;) I must direct me, to be free. I'm really not enjoying all the repetitive mental push-pull bull. I can temporarily deny myself the truth of myself, but for what purpose? The point is just going to return. Until I have understood myself in relation to that point and actually live the self-corrected application, the point will not be transcended.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that the process of self is just another automatic system that only requires a 'yes' as my total responsibility herein.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by who I've become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that taking responsibility for the points that exist within me would make me less. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I do not give attention to or suppress the nasty thoughts inside me, that I am better off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself in separation of my thoughts, that I am safe from them if I can hide them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect myself from shame and embarrassment by temporarily hiding the truth of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bail out and return to the surface when the rush of embarrassment energy floods my experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to run from myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can effectively cover up my inner thoughts and live a life of managing and fighting the specific backchat and inner personality dynamics.

I commit myself to stand up and push myself through the necessary writing, to realize myself, and to ultimately change myself through living as the directive principle of my life, of life.

In posts to come I'll be working more closely with myself. I do not allow myself to go on wasting time, walking around the forest. I move me, or I react. When and as I see myself reacting to my reaction, I stop I breathe. I realize the correction is not some distant, "Harry Potter" type of solution. I commit myself to discovering and understanding what it means to take responsibility and really live the correction.

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Day 302 - I Process Competition

...is unacceptable.

Recently, a friend of mine started her Journey To Life blog (Breathe), and I am continually impressed. The writing is thorough and honest. My problem is how I am comparing myself, and the mental processes that come from that are utter self-sabotage and in no way supportive for self or other as what's best for all. My ego has revealing itself repeatedly, and I can no longer allow myself to suppress this design of wanting to be more/better than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another in the individual process of self-realization, self-responsibility, and self-honesty otherwise known as the Desteni I Process, with the intent to measure and weigh my effectiveness in my own process - treating it as a race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see another human being is doing well / better than I, by wanting to "one up" and do even better myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this desire to "one up" another so that I do not even see, realize or understand my motivation surge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-motivated to give my absolute / unconditional best effort for myself within my individual process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the energy play of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the creating a energetic game of competition in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I take on this orientation / perspective / relationship toward another, I am also motivated to see them do worse / fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish, greedy and competitive, while holding the concept of what's Best for All on a pedestal instead of as a working principle to live into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my personal responsibility to embody and live the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather support myself within an illusion that this process is a race because I find it easier to measure my value by comparison instead of within utter self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the spoken word to portray myself in a way that doesn't carry over into my living application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special, and thus react when this is threatened by reconstructing my perception and/or changing my behavior to prove myself as more/greater than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this human race baggage into my process and not realize it by judging it as 'bad' and thus suppressing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I suppress what I think is bad so I do not have to face it and change. It is my mind trying to preserve the familiar program. This is not who I am and I do not allow this any longer.

This, specifically being the act of hiding what I don't want to see, to remain within my predictable, reaction relationships to others and my environment. To be self-honest is to not allow exactly this mental behavior. I realize it is a process, a process I commit myself to walking to completion regardless of how fast or slowly others move in their own process. My motivation comes from myself, here, wanting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself hiding my motivations from myself and/or others, I stop I breathe. I realize that NO ONE benefits when I allow shameful motivations to run rampant within me. I commit myself to investigate these points that I fear revealing. First to myself. Walk it through in writing. Understand self's motivations. Where they come from. Breathe. Forgive. Let it go. This fear is not required to live. This fear is in fact standing in my way from effectively applying what is best for all, as shown here today.

When and as I see myself comparing my effectiveness within DIP to how others are doing from an ego stance, I stop I breathe. I realize that no matter how this pursuit ends, my starting point isn't best for all, and so my result is not best for all. I commit myself to really breathing and considering what will yield a best case scenario for all participants.

I commit myself to learn from others and apply myself more effectively in my own process. In doing this, I can encourage others to also apply themselves more effectively. The design of this is similar to competition, but the motivation is stable as self doing what's best for self and all always, and the desire to undermine, cheat, compromise another being in their individual process is nonexistent. Best for all is incredibly better than pure self-interest, and become more and more apparent as I understand and let go of my personal fears that define me and separate me from my neighbors.

I commit myself to mapping my ego. This would be a fun self-directed project to see myself. I'll publish it here, so stay tuned!

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see my ego comparison / competition thought activation. I realize this is not me as life. This is my uncompassionate self-centered personality. Flag point it. I am here, committed to supporting myself as life as an inherent expression of what's best for all, and I will not continue to race with other humans.

Time is ticking. It's silly to waste it in an ego mind game that isn't real. This silly notion that I am special and need to constantly fight to prove it is not worth my effort. We are all special, so none is special. The question is: who is willing to put in the effort? Which means the real question is: Why don't I put in maximum effort? Much more journey to come.