Recently, a friend of mine started her Journey To Life blog (Breathe), and I am continually impressed. The writing is thorough and honest. My problem is how I am comparing myself, and the mental processes that come from that are utter self-sabotage and in no way supportive for self or other as what's best for all. My ego has revealing itself repeatedly, and I can no longer allow myself to suppress this design of wanting to be more/better than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another in the individual process of self-realization, self-responsibility, and self-honesty otherwise known as the Desteni I Process, with the intent to measure and weigh my effectiveness in my own process - treating it as a race.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see another human being is doing well / better than I, by wanting to "one up" and do even better myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this desire to "one up" another so that I do not even see, realize or understand my motivation surge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-motivated to give my absolute / unconditional best effort for myself within my individual process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the energy play of competition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the creating a energetic game of competition in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I take on this orientation / perspective / relationship toward another, I am also motivated to see them do worse / fail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish, greedy and competitive, while holding the concept of what's Best for All on a pedestal instead of as a working principle to live into reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my personal responsibility to embody and live the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather support myself within an illusion that this process is a race because I find it easier to measure my value by comparison instead of within utter self-honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the spoken word to portray myself in a way that doesn't carry over into my living application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special, and thus react when this is threatened by reconstructing my perception and/or changing my behavior to prove myself as more/greater than.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this human race baggage into my process and not realize it by judging it as 'bad' and thus suppressing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I suppress what I think is bad so I do not have to face it and change. It is my mind trying to preserve the familiar program. This is not who I am and I do not allow this any longer.
This, specifically being the act of hiding what I don't want to see, to remain within my predictable, reaction relationships to others and my environment. To be self-honest is to not allow exactly this mental behavior. I realize it is a process, a process I commit myself to walking to completion regardless of how fast or slowly others move in their own process. My motivation comes from myself, here, wanting what is best for all.
When and as I see myself hiding my motivations from myself and/or others, I stop I breathe. I realize that NO ONE benefits when I allow shameful motivations to run rampant within me. I commit myself to investigate these points that I fear revealing. First to myself. Walk it through in writing. Understand self's motivations. Where they come from. Breathe. Forgive. Let it go. This fear is not required to live. This fear is in fact standing in my way from effectively applying what is best for all, as shown here today.
When and as I see myself comparing my effectiveness within DIP to how others are doing from an ego stance, I stop I breathe. I realize that no matter how this pursuit ends, my starting point isn't best for all, and so my result is not best for all. I commit myself to really breathing and considering what will yield a best case scenario for all participants.
I commit myself to learn from others and apply myself more effectively in my own process. In doing this, I can encourage others to also apply themselves more effectively. The design of this is similar to competition, but the motivation is stable as self doing what's best for self and all always, and the desire to undermine, cheat, compromise another being in their individual process is nonexistent. Best for all is incredibly better than pure self-interest, and become more and more apparent as I understand and let go of my personal fears that define me and separate me from my neighbors.
I commit myself to mapping my ego. This would be a fun self-directed project to see myself. I'll publish it here, so stay tuned!
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see my ego comparison / competition thought activation. I realize this is not me as life. This is my uncompassionate self-centered personality. Flag point it. I am here, committed to supporting myself as life as an inherent expression of what's best for all, and I will not continue to race with other humans.
Time is ticking. It's silly to waste it in an ego mind game that isn't real. This silly notion that I am special and need to constantly fight to prove it is not worth my effort. We are all special, so none is special. The question is: who is willing to put in the effort? Which means the real question is: Why don't I put in maximum effort? Much more journey to come.