Day 296 - SHADOWGUNing my life away

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Ok, finally. Time to face this bullony. I am addicted to an addictive video game. I have wanted to write about it before but the thought of actually changing and letting this particular addiction go is rather frightening. Very similar to weed actually, so I know I can do it. I realize this is not just about the game. This is about who I am in relation to it. That is what needs to be examined and purified.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay responsibilities and hide that decision by immersing myself within this virtual world of killing virtual people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I am driven to play this game because of my ego desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize the feeling of winning before facing reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally moved by the excitement and opportunity of winning, as well as the frustration of losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed, frustrated and driven to win whenever I lose a battle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly immerse myself in a video game to not have to face/realize the importance of time and opportunity in the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point because of shame/humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't do it, because I don't want to give up something that feels so good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can still indulge responsibly by considering my responsibilities in the context of my day/week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with whatever means necessary as not to have to face myself in this moment here.
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When and as I see myself entering a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I continue along this path, I have made a choice of self-deception and thus prioritized and justified self-dishonesty. I commit myself to identifying and investigating these moments of distracting myself to determine where my value system is not in alignment with what is BEST for me and all.

When and as I see myself emotionally invested in the outcome of a video game, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow. I commit myself to setting agreements with myself when I am participating in an indulgence so that I remain the authority of myself and not simply let my emotions determine the length of time that I indulge.

When and as I see myself possessed with an energy to win, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is who I am, and I commit myself to not suppressing who I am so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself suppressing points because I am ashamed, I stop I breathe. I realize there are several dynamics at play here: I don't want people to see who I am ESPECIALLY if I fail in producing actual self-change. In a way this is a helpful reference point to keep me honest within my writing, but if I allow the fear to discourage me from walking the corrective actions, I go nowhere and potentially project blame. I commit myself to run at my problems, accentuate the shame, until even I cannot bear it, what ever it takes to realize that I am the creator and the created of who I think I am in the experience of myself.

When and as I see myself playing SHADOWGUN, I stop and take a self-honest breath. Is this really what I want to be doing? What is my justification? Valid? - meaning is this something that I have agreed with myself is okay to do? Will I not regret this? I realize that more often than not, I play video games to procrastinate responsibilities and in so doing, I compromise a lot of time to be doing things I would actually much rather be doing. I commit myself to walking through every delay design that I still subscribe to, so that I may stabilize within self-agreements and enjoy life to the fullest expression, and within this, assist and support others to also enjoy life to the fullest expression.


If you're new to this blog, and the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I congratulate you to making it to the bottom, for one :)  Secondly, check out the DIP Lite course and see if it's something that interests you. It's life changing stuff when you begin giving to yourself as you have wanted to receive all along. Enjoy.