Day 432 - Strengthening Weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak, and so try to hide the weakness that I see in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak, and get caught up in the energetic experience of guilt and shame, and try to suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if I am seen as weak by others, then I must be weak, and so take take extra precaution to not let others see my weakness.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace the exposure of my weaknesses with humility, strength, courage and resolve to take on the challenge of strengthening each specific weakness I identify within me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the strength and courage it takes to be honest with myself about my weaknesses.

--

When and as I see myself hiding from my weakness, or trying to hide my weakness from others, I stop, I breathe. I realize that suppressing awareness of weaknesses in such a way, is a grave weakness in character. I commit myself humble myself and own my weaknesses. I commit myself to transforming weaknesses into strengths, through careful self investigation.

When and as I see myself fearing judgment from others because I don't want to be identified in any particularly negative manner, I stop, I breathe. I realize that such a fear would not exist in me if the self-judgment was not already present within me. I commit myself to face my inadequacies, own them, and direct myself into acceptance or a self-correction process.

When and as I see myself feeling shameful about a character flaw or weakness in me, I stop, I breathe. I recognize this flag-point with gratitude, for shame is the secret to self-realization. I commit myself to embrace shame, and utilize it to walk substantial self change.

I commit myself to embrace weakness, vulnerability and strength.

I commit myself to develop my living potential, in facing all that I have become.

I commit myself to be stronger everyday.

Day 391 - Submissive Conflict Avoidance, Ridicule & Leadership

In the Desteni leadership development group, we started investigating 'tough minds' in society and our responsibility in relation to them. There are people out there who react to their environment and people around them, having little or no time to stop themselves. Many others, myself included, have a mind that allows us to hold back or suppress our reactions, especially the reactions that would social conflict or awkwardness, for example. So our exercise is to find a person in our life that we reacted toward with blame and judgment toward their expression, and to bring that point back to self. Here I am sharing my process with this exercise:

Archetype/Character: goes with the flow to a fault, lacking leadership of others, submissive conflict avoidance.

Me in relation to this point- especially with women, I do not like this aspect of myself where I wait for another to lead/initiate to avoid facing the fear of failure/rejection/ridicule. When I also look at my brother in relation to me, I see how I've ridiculed him in a fool hearted attempt to distance myself from being the victim of ridicule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and fight for the position that I can be separate and protected from victimhood of ridicule by ridiculing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ridicule others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show affection for others by ridiculing them when they express anything that I deem worthy of ridicule because I am justified in showing them this point at home/in a close relationship, to help them prevent public ridicule or ridicule from a stranger or love interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that my justifications for ‘teaching’ others where/how they can be ridiculed through reacting to their expression through ridicule, are fears that I have within me that I have accepted and allowed to shape myself as mind, and so shape my life in the external.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of an opportunity that is a result of a weakness within me that can be judged/ridiculed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to strengthen others through ridicule and judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear public ridicule, and within this, fear being defined by others in a negative/weak way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘weakness’ with the word ‘negativity.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within myself by principle. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the reactions of others. And within this, I realize that who I am is who I am as standing principle within myself and without in my lived participation in this world and with every interaction.

I commit myself to now take the lead and go with it.

I commit myself to fail in my process toward self-perfection, within the awareness that I commit myself to always get back up and test a new way in the next moment, until I am stable in success.

I commit myself to stop ridiculing others’ weaknesses.

I commit myself to turning my ridicule back unto myself.

I commit myself to no longer fear public ridicule, as I now define myself by who I know myself to be as the principles I stand for and express myself through.

I commit myself to showing others that I am not swayed by their ridicule.

I commit myself to intentionally subjecting myself to ridicule, so that as the energy reaction comes up within me, I can utilize this moment to breathe and release this pattern that I no longer accept and allow myself to believe to be who I am.

I commit myself to stopping the self-construct belief system that is defined through me giving others the responsibility to define myself…interesting.

TBC

Day 317 - Supporting Myself Through Resistance

There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.

If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.

So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.

Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.

Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.

When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.

Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.

When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.

When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all.  I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.

I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.

Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.

To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:

Day 316 - Proving Resistance is Powerless

I'm peeling back the layers. The composition of my resistance energy is still not completely understood, and this means that further investigation will be required before I stabilize this stance of self-mastery. I've noted how I move from overwhelmed through a reaction to giving up. Example: "too much work to do > I can't effectively do it all" > delay & distraction. I abandon my whole task list because of an emotional reaction of being overwhelmed. It's utterly ridiculous from the stand point of doing what works. The emotion overrides the common sense application of myself.

Side note on self-mastery: To achieve self-mastery, there must be a self-slave. This is a polarity concept, and when it's participated in and lived, a split personality is created: Self as a Master and a Slave. To live as real self-change, there is only ONE self that acknowledges self as the problem and the solution, and takes the responsibility to move into and as the solution. In this specific case of mastering myself in relation to resistance, I will need to recognize and accept the responsibility of each relevant point that is part of this resistance feeling reaction that I've programmed into my living flesh over the years of participating in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and react by going into a powerlessness character, allowing the resistance energy to be accepted as greater and more powerful than I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the resistance energy through placing myself as a victim of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my resistance as separate and more powerful that who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the solution of pushing / willing myself through the residual effects of my relationship with resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance in separation of it - not realizing this is like feeding the fire, building friction and ultimately giving in to the same resistance that I thought I was fighting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unknowingly amplify my experience of resistance, through separating myself from it, placing myself in a victim relationship to my own mind, and secretly rooting for the resistance to win so my desire for the distraction can thrive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have not been seriously wanting to stop the resistance because I wanted to indulge in a desire that I was hiding from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the desires I am ashamed to admit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my secret mind to continue on in secrecy because...I am still attached to my ego.

I stop, I breathe.

Today went well. Not perfectly. Tomorrow is another day. Will I allow this writing release to disencumber me for the moment and then allow myself to fall back into the same habit? No. Why, I have been here too many times. Tomorrow will be a reflection with living commitments to self. Thanks.

photo credit

Day 302 - I Process Competition

...is unacceptable.

Recently, a friend of mine started her Journey To Life blog (Breathe), and I am continually impressed. The writing is thorough and honest. My problem is how I am comparing myself, and the mental processes that come from that are utter self-sabotage and in no way supportive for self or other as what's best for all. My ego has revealing itself repeatedly, and I can no longer allow myself to suppress this design of wanting to be more/better than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another in the individual process of self-realization, self-responsibility, and self-honesty otherwise known as the Desteni I Process, with the intent to measure and weigh my effectiveness in my own process - treating it as a race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I see another human being is doing well / better than I, by wanting to "one up" and do even better myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this desire to "one up" another so that I do not even see, realize or understand my motivation surge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-motivated to give my absolute / unconditional best effort for myself within my individual process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the energy play of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the creating a energetic game of competition in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when I take on this orientation / perspective / relationship toward another, I am also motivated to see them do worse / fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish, greedy and competitive, while holding the concept of what's Best for All on a pedestal instead of as a working principle to live into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my personal responsibility to embody and live the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather support myself within an illusion that this process is a race because I find it easier to measure my value by comparison instead of within utter self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the spoken word to portray myself in a way that doesn't carry over into my living application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special, and thus react when this is threatened by reconstructing my perception and/or changing my behavior to prove myself as more/greater than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this human race baggage into my process and not realize it by judging it as 'bad' and thus suppressing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I suppress what I think is bad so I do not have to face it and change. It is my mind trying to preserve the familiar program. This is not who I am and I do not allow this any longer.

This, specifically being the act of hiding what I don't want to see, to remain within my predictable, reaction relationships to others and my environment. To be self-honest is to not allow exactly this mental behavior. I realize it is a process, a process I commit myself to walking to completion regardless of how fast or slowly others move in their own process. My motivation comes from myself, here, wanting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself hiding my motivations from myself and/or others, I stop I breathe. I realize that NO ONE benefits when I allow shameful motivations to run rampant within me. I commit myself to investigate these points that I fear revealing. First to myself. Walk it through in writing. Understand self's motivations. Where they come from. Breathe. Forgive. Let it go. This fear is not required to live. This fear is in fact standing in my way from effectively applying what is best for all, as shown here today.

When and as I see myself comparing my effectiveness within DIP to how others are doing from an ego stance, I stop I breathe. I realize that no matter how this pursuit ends, my starting point isn't best for all, and so my result is not best for all. I commit myself to really breathing and considering what will yield a best case scenario for all participants.

I commit myself to learn from others and apply myself more effectively in my own process. In doing this, I can encourage others to also apply themselves more effectively. The design of this is similar to competition, but the motivation is stable as self doing what's best for self and all always, and the desire to undermine, cheat, compromise another being in their individual process is nonexistent. Best for all is incredibly better than pure self-interest, and become more and more apparent as I understand and let go of my personal fears that define me and separate me from my neighbors.

I commit myself to mapping my ego. This would be a fun self-directed project to see myself. I'll publish it here, so stay tuned!

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see my ego comparison / competition thought activation. I realize this is not me as life. This is my uncompassionate self-centered personality. Flag point it. I am here, committed to supporting myself as life as an inherent expression of what's best for all, and I will not continue to race with other humans.

Time is ticking. It's silly to waste it in an ego mind game that isn't real. This silly notion that I am special and need to constantly fight to prove it is not worth my effort. We are all special, so none is special. The question is: who is willing to put in the effort? Which means the real question is: Why don't I put in maximum effort? Much more journey to come.

Day 297 - Doubting Myself

flickr

It's vicious habit. When watch myself spiral and go into a state of being that I had no desire to be in, I play victim without a clear target for blame. In this type of situation, I'm pretty sure that I know I am responsible for my behavior and mental state, but I suppress it and turn to a confused state. This confused state is also uncomfortable, so it gets suppressed too. At this point, I've buried all evidence of self-responsibility, including the irresolution. I am left with no other option than to carry on, and so make the choice to do so as effectively as I can - meaning focus on the next motivation, stay happy, stay intrigued, be cool.

This is a pretty intimate writing investigation. I've never really spent the time to see this pattern, this doubt character and all the mental processes that are within it. Though I may exist as this, even presently, I have the power to change. The Desteni group has played a pivotal part in my path of self-introspection. They say write, I resist. I resist for a little over two years. Damn. I can't even begin to wonder where I would be now if I was serious and proactive from the get go, but I don't because I'm here now.

Getting stuck in the past is the cause of self-doubt. I mean, why would I doubt myself without a preconceived idea of how I might fail, based in my past? I wouldn't. If I was just here, I'd have no reason to doubt me. I would only be able to express me, and herein lies a key: If I am not simply here, where, how and why am I hung up on my past?

Like a little child, I must keep asking "why" to get to the bottom of any personality formation. I realize that I'm not going to walk through and release all the dimensions of my self doubt character in clump. I've tried that in earlier posts. Even now I have this same feeling of clarity and insight into myself, that I react to by thinking/feeling that now I see everything and I'm ready to change RIGHT NOW. Such an ego moment. Flag point: "I see it all" / desire for self-change right now. Now, I understand I need to give myself the time to really walk each and every step.

Step 1 was start writing, check.
Step 2 could be different for everyone I suppose. I focused on getting comfortable with forgiving myself while holding my sights on this mysterious concept of self-honesty. The more I slow down and really consider each thought/energy/movement within me, the more I see where I can apply self-honesty. It's certainly a process. They call it the process of self, and it looks something like this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have everything sorted out within me as soon as I reveal to myself the tip of the ice berg of a single personality manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have it all sorted out before I start sorting it all out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my self-investigation because I fear failure / rejection / criticism because I have placed more weight on what others think of me than what I think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things would have played out differently, not realizing how this state of thinking is contributing to and creating myself here now and in the future. I am determining my future through my hang ups on the past. This has to stop. How? Be here. How? Breathe. Also, investigate the layers and patterns that I participate in given certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my past reactions, and thus play victim of my residual/momentous past self instead of breathing and being here with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix my past self. *click* That's what I've been trying to do all along. I've been focused and frustrated trying to change the unchangeable self of the past.

I'm going to let this settle. Join tomorrow for added depth.

Day 296 - SHADOWGUNing my life away

Popular Android game - here

Ok, finally. Time to face this bullony. I am addicted to an addictive video game. I have wanted to write about it before but the thought of actually changing and letting this particular addiction go is rather frightening. Very similar to weed actually, so I know I can do it. I realize this is not just about the game. This is about who I am in relation to it. That is what needs to be examined and purified.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay responsibilities and hide that decision by immersing myself within this virtual world of killing virtual people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I am driven to play this game because of my ego desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize the feeling of winning before facing reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally moved by the excitement and opportunity of winning, as well as the frustration of losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed, frustrated and driven to win whenever I lose a battle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly immerse myself in a video game to not have to face/realize the importance of time and opportunity in the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point because of shame/humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't do it, because I don't want to give up something that feels so good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can still indulge responsibly by considering my responsibilities in the context of my day/week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with whatever means necessary as not to have to face myself in this moment here.
--
When and as I see myself entering a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I continue along this path, I have made a choice of self-deception and thus prioritized and justified self-dishonesty. I commit myself to identifying and investigating these moments of distracting myself to determine where my value system is not in alignment with what is BEST for me and all.

When and as I see myself emotionally invested in the outcome of a video game, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow. I commit myself to setting agreements with myself when I am participating in an indulgence so that I remain the authority of myself and not simply let my emotions determine the length of time that I indulge.

When and as I see myself possessed with an energy to win, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is who I am, and I commit myself to not suppressing who I am so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself suppressing points because I am ashamed, I stop I breathe. I realize there are several dynamics at play here: I don't want people to see who I am ESPECIALLY if I fail in producing actual self-change. In a way this is a helpful reference point to keep me honest within my writing, but if I allow the fear to discourage me from walking the corrective actions, I go nowhere and potentially project blame. I commit myself to run at my problems, accentuate the shame, until even I cannot bear it, what ever it takes to realize that I am the creator and the created of who I think I am in the experience of myself.

When and as I see myself playing SHADOWGUN, I stop and take a self-honest breath. Is this really what I want to be doing? What is my justification? Valid? - meaning is this something that I have agreed with myself is okay to do? Will I not regret this? I realize that more often than not, I play video games to procrastinate responsibilities and in so doing, I compromise a lot of time to be doing things I would actually much rather be doing. I commit myself to walking through every delay design that I still subscribe to, so that I may stabilize within self-agreements and enjoy life to the fullest expression, and within this, assist and support others to also enjoy life to the fullest expression.


If you're new to this blog, and the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I congratulate you to making it to the bottom, for one :)  Secondly, check out the DIP Lite course and see if it's something that interests you. It's life changing stuff when you begin giving to yourself as you have wanted to receive all along. Enjoy.

Day 292 - Living Best For All

Continuing with the theme of these recent posts:
Day 288 - Best For All Support
Day 289 - Anxious to Change the World

There is this feeling that I identified today that has been looming. I've written a little about it and now I have reached enough understanding to express myself in words. It's a shameful realization, but that's great because the SF releases my once buried program that has had a detrimental effect in my interpersonal interactions.

Here's a direct transcription of what I've hand written earlier today:

My drive to share the Desteni Message is tainted. It is logically justified through "Best for All," and is not purely an expression of what is best for all.

What comes up?

• Shame 
• Failure
• Fake
• Success through persistence w/ SF 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure & a fake through my initial attempts to adapt/orient to the message of what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time within self-pity. 

-- expanding now --

I understand that I've been basically mad at myself for not applying/living the best for all principle. I've taken a long path of projecting this and then trying to get others to understand the merit here, before I personally embody and bring this principle to life within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a lack of understanding of what it is to live in alignment with what is best for all, and to within this establish myself within a superior teaching position based on knowledge and information of the principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I know what is best for all through a limited knowledge construct that I've established after a few years of reading. Silly.

I commit myself to being patient with myself in this journey to life in becoming a living expression of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself teaching or wanting to teach others about the best for all principle, I stop I breathe. I realize that my ego has gotten the best of me for most of my reactive life. I commit myself to continue educating myself on when and where I am living within the limitations of mind as reactions that serve my ego, until it is done.

Until it is done, I breathe, and I continue my self-investigation. This is my right to life. Through educating myself first, I commit myself to support others when and as I am able.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure in supporting others. I stop I breathe. I can really only speak to what I know as my personal experience. Live here, and all will be clear :)

The Equal Life Foundation support all in equality and oneness. It's a group worthy of your 'Like.'
First step's first. Educate oneself. Breath in: I commit myself to educate myself within every personally relevant pursuit in alignment of whats best for all.

Desteni Art

Day 219 - From Shame to Self-Correction

In response to this blog: Creation's Journey To Life - Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realization
And continuing with my back story in relations to my self-investigation with the Desteni tools,

I wish to reflect on a past experience that I had written about 2 years ago. It was Christmas 2011 and my family had decided that instead of buying gifts we would take a vacation to Hawaii. It was a lot of fun for most of the time, but interesting family dynamics popped up that week of close proximity.  In retrospect, I realize that I have been highly egocentric when I'm with family. In the context of others, depending on my comfort level, I would show or hide the cockiness/self-importance. I will continue to unpack my self-importance character soon.

This is a story about deep seated shame for who I am in relation to my brother. He is two years younger than I and I have abused him my whole life by putting him down so I could feel superior. I essentially used him to propel my mental concept into a state of superiority / confidence that I would bring with me into the rest of my relationships with my peers. Lets just say I was petrified of failure and inferiority to such an extent that I didn't care about my negative effect on others. It hurts to write this out. Shame 2.

Shame 1: Which this post is supposed to be focused on. While I was on the airplane, I had a real moment of realization, like really powerful. I had fought with my brother about wanting to sit in the isle seat, (I like the freedom) but my boarding pass indicated that I had the window seat. This gave him the chance to assert his control by not permitting me to trade with him (consequence, reflecting my past behavior toward him). When we had just taken off and exciting things were to be seen out of the window, my brother had looked over to see out and I placed my hands over the window so he couldn't see.

That was my response. Another power-play, so that I could again have the last say. Preserve my control over him. I still react to this writing with quite a sadness (indicating point isn't clear yet). I sat with my mind and after the emotions of the moment subsided, I thought to myself how I've been doing this shit for way too long. A different emotion came up, one of great shame/sorrow. I spoke one forgiveness statement under my breath, and couldn't hold back the tears. Funny, that he was sitting one seat away, listening to music, while I am sobbing and writing forgiveness about how poorly I have allowed myself to treat him...as if I hadn't really, realized it before...maybe only acknowledged it lightly, then back to my self-centeredness, likely.

"I forgive myself for continuing to allow myself to play childish ego games with my brother. I now respect him as an equal."

At least this is what I have written. You may read the raw writing below, as I have decided to include it in this post. This moment stands out hardcore as a moment of self-change through deep shame. And my relationship with my brother has greatly improved since then. Not perfect, I'm still learning. But there was a real change. It was the most moving realization I had ever experienced. It was also the first time I had really worked with self-forgiveness on an intimate, hard-hitting, personal level.

I haven't gone back to look at what I wrote until today, which was kind of a cool experience in itself. Having this self-made record of stuff I thought was significant at one point in time is going to be fun to go through, and I bet I will find many opened points that can be walked more thoroughly with writing self-forgiveness. Tomorrow, I will expand on this writing from my old red process journal with a flow of self-forgiveness and just take it from there. Thanks for reading me.

Day 203 - Shameful work

Haha. "Ahhh, what shame I have for this work I have done!"

This is the polarity of taking pride in my work. So, it is to understand that I'm not trying to stop doing work worth of pride. I am stopping my pride reaction toward my work because if I keep priding myself in certain instances of work, I will continue producing work where I react shamefully toward.

This is polarity. Same system of mind. One is positive, one is negative. No separation. One system.

Consequence of taking pride = feeling shame. One balanced system. Why does it have to balance out? asked the skeptic. I do not fully understand why but it relates to oneness and equality, where one system has to be balanced equally because the separation is the illusion. So the feeling of pride is the illusion that when participated within, is exactly the same as the consequence of shame. Both are participatory/feeling illusions, created by ourselves.

And so this is what process is all about: stop the illusion and stabilize with reality. This way, I am not creating polarity consequence that is an unnecessary illusion experience that must result from attempting to maintain the positive experience of the system design. And I go:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of participating in positive experiential reactions as the equal and opposite must manifest. The design of infinity: a sideways 8, as representative of each system. Stop in the middle and stop looping back and forth between the poles of experience that were never really real to begin with. We create them, they are real for us in terms of feeling them. They are bullshit when compared to reality. Maybe emotions are thought to be akin to drugs. Get high and come down. Wanna stay high, but can't. Guaranteed shitty come down. Had we never taken the drugs, that point would be stable from the get go. But since we do feel our programmed emotional responses, it takes a process to stop. I would consider Desteni to much like an emotional rehabilitation for the human conditioned minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself so that I may fulfill my underlying "feeling-need" to produce shameful work. This is what I had done tonight. I gave myself 45 minutes to write this post. And now I am here writing for the clock again, instead of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again use time as motivation, in that compromising my ability to really write for me and my own process. Writing for me alone, would be me writing me without this BS illusion that I MUST pump out one post a day, and that I DREAD having to do this HARD WORK that I have attributed to the process of self-investigation. More importantly, here, I must look at the relationship I have created within delaying hard work.

Points for further investigation:

• The relationship to habitual resistance toward work
• why unpleasant?
• ha, it's like coming down off an emotional high
• desteni i process = hard work
• experience of difficult is a mental augmentation again (though DIP certainly requires work)
• examine relationship to difficult
• 1st thought = difficult yoga pose -> "breathe through it"
• breath through resistance

When and as I see myself compromising myself because I feel a "feeling-need" that I must live out the consequences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must stop cycling through the infinite structural design of made-up feeling-experience. I commit myself to giving myself the permission to stop and breathe and chose self-direction. I commit myself to stopping the feeling experience that is off being to tired/unable to move myself.

Breathe. Move.

Breathe.

Day 202 - Pride in work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to complete my work, or even these daily writings, at a level of perfection as would be defined externally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set an "objective ideal" that is perfection outside of myself and to work toward that. Within that I am reaching for perfection from a state of desiring to be perfect. Why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear criticism of my work, indicating that it is not perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have perfect work to not have to experience the humility of producing work seen as bad or less than perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to reach a level of quality that is outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define what is quality work in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am participating in a mental polarity of producing bad/good work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just simply do work to the best of my ability. That is all.

--

When and as I see myself striving to complete a level of quality in my work that is defined according to what I think is perfection and only able to be praised, I stop I breathe. I realize that in desiring to produce work that would allow me to rest easy, knowing that it is perfect and not needing to be touched, or changed ever again, is a mental process within polarity of mind. I commit myself to stopping this self-judgement and bringing myself back here to produce the best quality of work by putting 100% of myself into my work.

This is a big point (as they all are). And within this statement, I see doubt. I fear that I am breezing by too easily, and that I will again experience a downfall in not being able to actually stop striving for perfection with my work. And, haha, within that statement, I see that I have an underlying desire to be perfect within this one post, such that I will have this point complete, over and done with by the end of this post.

When and as I see myself attempting to be perfect by completely walking through an entire mental construct in just one post, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is NOT a real, external standard of what or how one of these JTL posts is to be or accomplish. I commit myself to writing these posts within self-honesty as self-here, directing me fully, not hiding.

There is no 'right' and 'wrong.' There is only process, and it is a work in progress. When a point is clear, I move from here. Until then, I write and write, without judging my writing by any external standard, only discerning if I am self-honest within my writing. Self-honest writing is when I am directing my writing. This process is about self-investigation for the means of self-forgiveness to ultimately realize self, here. This is my focus. This is the orientation of my self-honest writing. Pride is something I'm giving up because it does not support self awareness within and as the breath. Pride is a mental construct intimately connected to the polarity of it, with is shame. I have produced shameful work. I have brushed it aside and chosen to just focus on the positive work that I could take pride in. This stops here.

Note:  Desire to not place picture, easier/faster. Also, prideless...vs prideful vs shameful. End it all and left with what? Placing a picture is to invite readers to read. It is effective. Simple. Mind is desiring to not place a picture (shame) which is the polarity of pridefully placing a picture. Stop the mind. What makes sense? A cute kitty picture.

"OMG. Is this perfect enough??"

...or 2

"thanks for reading!"