Day 203 - Shameful work

Haha. "Ahhh, what shame I have for this work I have done!"

This is the polarity of taking pride in my work. So, it is to understand that I'm not trying to stop doing work worth of pride. I am stopping my pride reaction toward my work because if I keep priding myself in certain instances of work, I will continue producing work where I react shamefully toward.

This is polarity. Same system of mind. One is positive, one is negative. No separation. One system.

Consequence of taking pride = feeling shame. One balanced system. Why does it have to balance out? asked the skeptic. I do not fully understand why but it relates to oneness and equality, where one system has to be balanced equally because the separation is the illusion. So the feeling of pride is the illusion that when participated within, is exactly the same as the consequence of shame. Both are participatory/feeling illusions, created by ourselves.

And so this is what process is all about: stop the illusion and stabilize with reality. This way, I am not creating polarity consequence that is an unnecessary illusion experience that must result from attempting to maintain the positive experience of the system design. And I go:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of participating in positive experiential reactions as the equal and opposite must manifest. The design of infinity: a sideways 8, as representative of each system. Stop in the middle and stop looping back and forth between the poles of experience that were never really real to begin with. We create them, they are real for us in terms of feeling them. They are bullshit when compared to reality. Maybe emotions are thought to be akin to drugs. Get high and come down. Wanna stay high, but can't. Guaranteed shitty come down. Had we never taken the drugs, that point would be stable from the get go. But since we do feel our programmed emotional responses, it takes a process to stop. I would consider Desteni to much like an emotional rehabilitation for the human conditioned minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself so that I may fulfill my underlying "feeling-need" to produce shameful work. This is what I had done tonight. I gave myself 45 minutes to write this post. And now I am here writing for the clock again, instead of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again use time as motivation, in that compromising my ability to really write for me and my own process. Writing for me alone, would be me writing me without this BS illusion that I MUST pump out one post a day, and that I DREAD having to do this HARD WORK that I have attributed to the process of self-investigation. More importantly, here, I must look at the relationship I have created within delaying hard work.

Points for further investigation:

  • The relationship to habitual resistance toward work
    • why unpleasant?
      • ha, it's like coming down off an emotional high
  • desteni i process = hard work
    • experience of difficult is a mental augmentation again (though DIP certainly requires work)
      • examine relationship to difficult
        • 1st thought = difficult yoga pose -> "breathe through it"
          • breath through resistance
When and as I see myself compromising myself because I feel a "feeling-need" that I must live out the consequences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must stop cycling through the infinite structural design of made-up feeling-experience. I commit myself to giving myself the permission to stop and breathe and chose self-direction. I commit myself to stopping the feeling experience that is off being to tired/unable to move myself.

Breathe. Move.