From Day 187:
So, I think I've discovered another layer: feeling good about my writing, insights, realizations, commitments vs. feeling bad about resistance to writing, lostness, not understanding, falling from commitments.And shown throughout the past few days. I'm realizing that there is a feeling associated with a work/project/writing that varies based on the circumstances. Something like self-pride and self-pity, but the feeling is more internally felt as did I succeed or fail to be effective. What is effective writing?
well done/nice job = thorough, yet concise and clear in capturing/framing the concept.
The polar opposite of good. Fear of failing to be good = overwhelmed, incoherent, inarticulate, skimming the surface by allowing fear/resistance to guide me away from a real investigation of self.
So far, I've done a lot of procrastination in my JTL posts. Why? Because I accidentally attributed it to external point of working for the group. I better understand now, how this is a practice of writing for self. I'm here to write me out for me and all to see. The priority is not to prove that I am a certain way for others, or even logically for maintaining my sponsorship into the DIP program. I'm writing here for me to get clear within me, while allowing feedback/support from/for others.
So, another layer of resistance toward this writing can be found by investigating what is behind my feeling reactions toward my writing. Go!
|Click Me ^|
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply revel in the positive feeling of accomplishment without further investigating why this feeling reaction comes up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be taken over with pride when I write a 'good' post.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into doubt and fear when I write a 'bad' post.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within this, I am existing in a polarity reaction game and so compromising my stability within my writing application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I'd rather shoot for the positive reaction reward than stability within what is effective. In this,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself participating in the polarity of positive-feeling rewards that balances the negative-feeling consequences in regard to my personal feeling-reaction toward my writings.
When and as I see myself driven to post a 'good post,' as defined by my personal, positive reaction towards it, I stop I breathe. I realize that operating within this framework is not a stable expression of self, rather an energy based motivation. I commit myself to decoding all energetic motivations, especially where I have made an external source point of motivation within my mind (i.e pride, pity).
When and as I see myself motivated to appease or please others with my writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this mental participation is balanced with the polar fear of rejection, incorrectness, and/or negative emotions of worry, distress, anxiety overwhelmingness, etc. I commit myself to peeling back the layers of external motivation points so that I may gradually become more acquainted self-movement from within the physical. I commit myself to writing from the starting point of my breath, here.
When and as I see myself writing post with a forced external point of motivation, like when I have procrastinated and am being pushed by the clock to perform, I stop I breathe. I realize who I am within my writing is an important point of consideration. I commit myself to reflecting on what resistance lead me to wait to work with myself within this writing process of my Journey to Life. I commit myself to writing out the pattern of resistance for myself to learn from. I realize within a proactive approach to my process, and by writing about my reflection in my side journal, I will have plenty of content to write through self-forgiveness and corrective application statements on the daily!
Let us all take responsibility as the singular point of self. Write yourself to freedom..or don't. It's your "life" to live as you please, and incur the consequences. End the illusion of blame. It's all you.